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Old 11-24-2010, 06:15 AM   #1
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Default Weight Influencing Relationship - Advice?

This is a bit hard for me to type, but I am so in need of some advice or just understanding...

I have a wonderful, loving relationship except in one aspect - my weight. I lost about forty pounds last year and it was great. 'Ahem' was happening more than ever! But then I started having gallstone attacks (this is what happens when you lose too rapidly) and had my gallbladder removed by emergency surgery Jan. 2010.

Recovery from surgery, a really rough time with depression, moving house (after living with the stress of living next to criminals), a long winter (I have SADD) and being ill all added up to me gaining all the weight back. Down to the exact pound where I started losing last year.

I'm back on track and losing again, but having had me at 220, having me back around 260 (currently) means... Well... "Ahem" just isn't happening. There have been excuses, but I finally got straight to the point and he admitted that while he loves the me he sees inside, the outside just... isn't appealing.

Now, I think I have been handling that news well. I sort of saw it coming - even though that didn't seem to soften the blow any - so I knew I had to get back on track. And I am. But in the interim... I'm having a hard time keeping my emotions about that 'news' in check as well as feeling upset about the lack of the intimacy that comes with 'ahem'.

So what I'm getting around to is: Has anyone had their weight influence their relationship? What do you do? How do you cope? How do you even deal with the emotional burden of having heard that from your partner?

Like I said, I think I'm dealing rather well with it, but in the back of my mind there is that niggle, that little voice reminding me...

Help?
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:48 AM   #2
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Honestly, people are so much more than how they look. Would he be uninterested in you sexually if you got gray hair, wrinkles, became disabled, etc.? I would never tolerate being treated like that, honestly I think it's shallow. If he feels that way it's his prerogative, but I would never lose weight for a man or stay with a man that wasn't attracted to me. I realize that my views are a little extreme and I certainly don't mean to offend, but I think you deserve someone who loves you for YOU.
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Old 11-24-2010, 07:07 AM   #3
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I just couldnt put up with that sort of thing. Sex involving how you look for a man in my eyes just makes the woman an upgraded right hand. Sex for how you feel doesn't go toward looks at all. I just...ugh. I'd hit him. I can't stand people like that and I have to keep reminding myself that is isn't ALL men. Like a mantra. Guuuh.

So my suggestion would only to be to say almost -exactly- what the poster above me said. "What about this and that? When I age? When YOU gain weight am I supposed to be open minded and okay with it? Because I expect you will say yes. Also, with this attitude what makes you think I would want you when I do lose the weight? I should be losing it for me. NOT YOU."

But...I'm a little Draconian with these sorts of situations.
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Old 11-24-2010, 07:44 AM   #4
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Quote:
I have a wonderful, loving relationship except in one aspect - my weight.
I think this should read "I have a wonderful, loving relationship except for one aspect - my partner's problem with my weight."

Is there some magic day when he's going to want sex (with you) again? Will you celebrate your goal weight by him saying "you are now attractive to me again, I permit you to touch me."

I don't know your living situation, but maybe the best thing for both of you (since it's a shame he has to be dating someone who is fat) is for you to break up while you lose weight. Then when you are appropriately thin you can decide whether he's the one who gets to see you naked. (Or, better yet, you can be free to find someone who wants to see you naked no matter what your size.)
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Old 11-24-2010, 08:10 AM   #5
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I think there are many different types of love.

I've known people who started in a regular sexual relationship, and who love each other, find that the sex part fizzled out completely - leaving them with a good, loving friendship. If you are completely honest - was the sex SO good when you were 40lbs lighter?

Also, there is a lot to be said about how your feelings toward yourself - maybe you had much more confidence and energy at 220, making you much more sexually attractive?

I'm certainly not justifying his behavior. You are already suffering from depression and weight gain - I think the last thing you need in your life is someone else who is critical of how you look on the outside. Let's be honest - if he gained weight, you'd never say anything that would make him feel unattractive or unsexy. You deserve respectful, loving treatment from your partner.
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Old 11-24-2010, 08:12 AM   #6
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OK so unlike most people I am going to go against the "norm".

I personally have had weight affect my relationship as well. But not how you are probably thinking. First, a lot of it was a me thing. My fiancee thinks I am sexy no matter what (or so he says) but I get in my head. If "I" do not feel sexy and attractive, how can I even "ahem". And when I can manage to do it, I am thinking about what I LOOK like the whole time. Obviously this is not a good thing.

But secondly, and this is where I go against the norm...I think that it is ok for your boyfriend to say/think/feel that you are not as cute heavier than smaller. I can tell you, that as much as I love and adore my fiancee, when he has gained some weight the physical "thing" is just not there. I just cannot look at him and get all mushy inside like I do when he has lost 50lbs, and he is a big boy. 6'2 and 280 currently (he just lost about 30lbs). I do not think that it is shallow at all. While it is nice to think and say that love for the person inside trumps attraction for the person outside...it is just not true. I would love love love it if my fiancee had "Brad Pitt" abs, and he would love it if I had "Angelina" boobs! Does that mean that we love each other any less? Nope. It just means that fit is physically sexier to us both. "ahem" is ALWAYS better when we are slimmer.

I personally think, that if you start loving yourself, and feeling sexy and attractive for yourself, he will naturally follow. Confidence is sexy, regardless of the size person that it is in. Learn to love and accept yourself, and make yourself sexy and healthy, and you will probably discover that "ahem" is better and more frequent. So, I do not suggest breaking up with him, or hitting him or getting irritated with him. I suggest being glad and happy that he was honest with you (even with some prodding and coaxing) and in turn you being honest with your feelings about the admission. Work together and talk about it, and make the weight loss a together thing.
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Old 11-24-2010, 09:26 AM   #7
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What people find sexually attractive has nothing much to do with thought processes. What turns one person on won't necessarily turn another person on.

Regardless of what your boyfriend says, his inability or unwillingness to have sex with you may have other causes than simply your weight gain. Your weight may just be something easy to point to.

You cannot let your weight loss or gain be dictated by what another person wants. Please read that sentence again!

Relationships come and go, and they also change. What if you go and lose that weight just for HIM, and then it turns out he still doesn't want to "ahem"? Would you give up and eat your way back up again?

Your motivation has to be about you, what YOU want, and what is healthy for YOU. Being attractive to others should be way down the list and be a by-product of getting healthier.

Good luck on your weight loss!
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Old 11-24-2010, 09:33 AM   #8
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I agree with lazylioness here. Sex is about physical attraction and we cannot control what we are and are not attracted to. It's a sort of harsh and unfair reality that doesn't make him a bad person and is no one's fault. It is terrible to hear though - I'm not sure I could ever relax and be myself if my boyfriend flat out told me he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight.

Confidence is attractive to everyone - it sounds like you'd want to lose weight even if he weren't a factor. Work on yourself for your own purposes. You come first! Besides, there are surely loads of other men out there should you decide staying with your current man isn't going anywhere.

Is all intimacy out the window or just the naked kind? I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

*big e-hug*
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Old 11-24-2010, 09:37 AM   #9
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I happen to agree with lazylioness. I think that it is easy to say that your partner sould love you no matter what and be attracted to you no matter what but our minds just dont work that way.
My husband and I have the opposite problem in that although he has admitted that he is more turned on by my fit and trim body he still wants to ahem all the time and I find myself begging to leave the lights off or trying to hide imperfections and obsessing over how certain things look and that just isnt sexy.
I would however remind him that just because he isnt ready to ahem right now doesnt mean you should remove all physical contact and perhaps as you begin to regain self confidence and become more fit the ahem will just happen. If he refuses any kind of contact than it is a different story and I would walk away from that because nobody deserves to be in a relationship where you cant even get a hug, hand hold or kiss because you've gained weight.
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Old 11-24-2010, 09:54 AM   #10
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as an addition to what I said, and had brought to light by the last two posts....

Intimacy comes in ALL forms not just naked ones. Are you still holding hands, looking at each other in the eye and laughing, touching each others face or arm just because? The list could go on. There are a million close, intimate things that you do in a solid good relationship that have nothing to do with naked activities. IF those are all still there, if you can catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of your eye doing something so "him" and smile about it, and he can do the same with you, just ride this out. The "ahem" will come back and in the meantime, use the little things to connect on a deeper emotional level.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:56 AM   #11
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I do agree that, especially for men, sex can be more about physical attraction. And I wholeheartedly agree that sex is better when both partners feel good about their bodies and are willing to put it all out there. But I honestly don't see how the handholding, hugging, kissing, and giving each other 'the eye' can happen on a true intimate level if there is a cut-off point based on weight. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even be able to touch him without wondering if my body is grossing him out. I personally couldn't be in a relationship like that, I'd rather be by myself than constantly wondering if the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone is okay with kissing me and whatnot when my clothes are on, but THAT'S where he draws the line. It's cliche, but what if a woman got breast cancer and had to go through a double mastectomy, chemo, etc. Would he be there to hold her hair back when she is throwing up? Or after the hair falls out? None of that is sexy, but a true lover would be there to help, not to ADD feelings of insecurity and embarrassment.

I have absolutely no advice on what you should do in your situation, OP, but that is how I feel about a love relationship. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband would be there for me no matter WHAT happens to my body in this life, and he wouldn't be my husband if I didn't feel that way. And I feel the exact same way about him.
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Old 11-24-2010, 12:08 PM   #12
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shannon..quick question, if you had breast cancer, had a double mastectomy and lost your hair, would you be wondering if your body grossed your husband out?

I would.

Yes, physicality comes and goes. Sometimes we are fat, sometimes we are not. Sometimes our hair is gray and sometimes we get wrinkles. But there is so much more to intimacy beyond the naked part.

Personally, I feel more beautiful when my fiancee looks into my eyes and touches my face, than when he is all feisty and naked. At that moment, I "forget" what I look like and just enjoy being in that moment. The thoughts of what my body looks like, comes with the naked parts. So there can absolutely be intimacy with a "cut off point". I do not like looking at his big ole belly any more than he likes looking at mine, that does not mean that we do not absolutely share touching and extremely intimate moments more often than we share naked ones.
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Old 11-24-2010, 12:26 PM   #13
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Lioness, I am in total agreement with you about intimacy, and that it doesn't have to be any kind of precursor to nakedness. I think it's much more important than the actual act, and that more love can be shown in a glance and a touch than what happens in the bedroom. For sure! But if I actually knew there was a "line", I'd be real nervous about when it would be crossed regardless.

I'm thinking hard about your question. Yes, I suppose I would be wondering if my husband found me repulsive if I lost my hair and one/both breasts. In fact, I'm sure I'D find myself repulsive. I also found 350 lbs repulsive, and I find that even with less weight, it's becoming apparent that things are going to be hanging here and there in a decidely unsexy fashion. I have actually talked to my husband about this, and in a weak and ugly moment I asked him how he can even love me when I look like this. Bless his heart, we had recently watched Avatar, and he told me it was like the scene when the guy was back in his human body, they looked into each other's eyes and said "I see you". Yes, he is corny! But I thought that was so sweet, and really left me knowing that no matter what, he knows and loves me for me and that an extra layer of fat, hanging skin, amputation, isn't going to change that.

All that said, the "ahem" has been great since I've lost some of my weight! I'm just thankful that I know first-hand that when the chips are down, he's going to want to "ahem" with me no matter what, because he loves me. And when we're old and maybe parts don't work anymore, etc, we'll sit around and talk about all the "ahem"ing we did at all my different weights back in our younger years.
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Old 11-24-2010, 12:35 PM   #14
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Right absolutely. I feel the same way about my honey...but if truth honestly be told....six pack abs are infinitely sexier on a physical level then the pony keg that he currently carries around. That in no way shape or form means that I do not love him or find him sexy on a level that has nothing to do with his physical appearance.

I just think that the OP got an honest answer from her boyfriend. And that is commendable. Better she know that and deal with it, than not know and think everything is honkey dorey. Yanno? The boyfriend should not be beaten up because he finds her more physically attractive when she is thinner. While weight loss should be for you, and not someone else, sometimes knowing that someone else would like the better version of you more..helps. And lets face it, I doubt that any of us think that we are the better version of ourselves heavier.

Make sense?

yes husbands, wives, etc should love you regardless of what you "look" like. They should totally love the person inside of the shell. That without argument is true. I just think that because the physicality changes and "fades" with time, that if you or your spouse is not happy with the current version of yourself, then you need to talk about it together and change it, if it is that important.

Now, here is another question. If you found 350 pounds repulsive, and admittedly you did. Why is it not OK for him to find that same 350 lbs repulsive?

BTW not trying to be argumentative at all . Message board forum hard to "read" people. So, if I am coming across as upset, totally not meaning to be.
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:05 PM   #15
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I've decided this thread has strayed far from real-world sex lives and has become theoretical and philosophical. And so...

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