Oh god, oh god, oh god this is bad. In gym on Friday we had a surprise fitness testing. I weighed 198 pounds. 198. One more time; 198. 1.9.8. I'm two pounds away from 200 and I don't even know how much I ate today! I am already down a seriously dangerous road here, I'm gaining it back faster than I lost it. My weekly caloric intake for every day is probably going to be 3,000 because I've just completely went off the deep end. I know you've read this from me before but I didn't realize how bad I was until this week. I've started making myself throw up after binging. I know that 3FC doesn't deal with this but it pertains to my point. I was watching What's Eating you? On E! And there was this one guy, Andrew. The things he did, the things he said, he was like the male counterpart of me and I was becoming him and it scared me. It scared me how much alike we thought and how much alike we are and I don't want that. My size 16s barely fit, I can see more fat in my face, I don't want to be one of those stories where "I gained it all back..." but I don't know how to get back on track. I've been writing things down, thinking about my emotions, but all those bad emotions just keep coming back up.
During the day I'll do fine but then I get home and it's a food free for all. I can't stop because it's just me and my thoughts and food and it's been hardwired in my brain that food=happiness. I can't, for the life of me, bring myself to stop because...because I don't know why. I need help.
I urge you to look for a therapist, doctor, and/or registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders so you can begin to get a handle on this. Plenty of resources are available--you have to be willing to look for them.
I wish I could help you, but no one on a website can be there for you all the time--and we're not professionals!
Good luck! I'm sorry things are so rough for you know.
__________________ "My religion is kindness." --His Holiness the Dalai Lama
I agree with above, definitely get some professional help.
Take a deep breath. You're going to be okay. Try not to binge, try not to purge. Put a healthy plan in place, stick to it, post here. You know you can do this, you've taken the first step by reaching out here.
I'm with JayEll. You need to consider a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. You are very brave for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Weight management can be a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. Your body will be damaged more by bingeing/purging than by gaining back a few pounds. You can do this. Good luck to you.
BUNNY ~ I agree that you could benefit from some kind of counseling; and maybe even help to set up a food plan. Do you have any support groups near you that you could go to? Getting out of the house in the evening may help with this issue; keeping you busy and with other people too.
You are able to go all day without overeating but when you get home, you have problems. Who buys the food in your house? Are you with your parents, a partner, or alone? DO you have healthy foods and snacks in the house so you can grab something good while you prepare dinner? How about a cup of tea or 50-50 juice & water (ie cranberry juice).
It's one thing to overeat apples and another to eat a whole loaf of bread. Do you take a daily vitamin to make sure you are getting your nutrients in? Besides journalling your food intake; maybe start a "FEELINGS JOURNAL" to express your feelings. What are you feeling when you binge?
I have read that binging can be a substitute for a NEED that one has: like love, intimacy, friendship, loneliness, boredom, depression or sadness, hurt feelings, plus fears and insecurities, etc. These are the feelings that we need to address, instead of using food to soothe them.
Life is full of stressors, and the "bad" emotions will keep coming back up until you find another way to address them. You need to replace them with "good" emotions and good feelings ...
I like to read good books & stories; listen to positive music; write uplifting songs; come here to this site for support & a sense of community (for good health & WL). This kind of thing can take some time to iron itself out; but a good plan of action can help you too.
Make up a schedule of something to do each night: go for a walk; visit a friend; go a park; go to a gym; go to a show; go shopping; go site-seeing; go to a nice restaurant for dinner, etc. These are stop-gap measures until you get to the root of the problem.
Am sending up some prayers for you tonight too. Hope something here helps you in some small way ...
First off, I don't think you are bulimic, you're just desperate. I'm not even going to lie, I'm chuked my food before out of guilt. It was only a handful of times, and I knew it was terribly wrong and never did it again. First things first, don't barf your food up! You know it's wrong, it is not the way to handle things. If you overeat, you overeat. It is not the end of the world. Keeping your caloric intake down by means of purging isn't the right way to lose weight, and I know you know this. Your jeans may still fit the way you like, you won't feel good ONE bit about what you did to keep it there. Just own up to your eating. It isn't the end of the world honey. Earth will continue spinning and the sun will rise tomorrow.
So you're getting off track. I know how it feels. Once you start, it's so hard to stop and get the will power to get back on track. But you can't be so hard on yourself. You're right when you say that you associate food with happiness. But there's a few things you need to remember.
1) The taste of that food PALES in comparison to the way you will feel being at a healthy weight. IT PALES IN COMPARISON. You'll be able to stroll into any store and buy whatever you want. You will admire the way you look every time you look in the mirror. Boys will flirt with you all the time. And you'll feel an immense sense of accomplishment knowing that you've done, at a very young age, what many people never even attempt. Trust me on this. I may still be chunky by some people's standards, but I feel fabulous every single day. I can't imagine how much more amazing it must feel to be at goal.
2) Tell yourself no. It's sort of empowering when you remind yourself that YOU are in control of your own life and your own decisions. You CAN tell yourself no. You won't die, or waste away. It is psychological. No matter what excuse your mind comes up with, like "Psh, I might say no THIS time, but next time I won't, so why does it matter?" Just say no to yourself anyway. One good decision snowballs very quickly. And if it doesn't, then so what. Keep trying until it sticks! It will.
You can do it! I love love love seeing your progress on here and I KNOW you can and will be successful. Just stop throwing your food up. If you can't control that, you should definitely see a professional. But some part of me thinks it's not that (as I have been in your shoes young duckling.) But keep in mind I'm not a doc. But I believe in you! You can do this!
I don't know what to say, I've had these feelings before too ...all I can do is offer understanding and let you know my heart hurts reading your post. DON'T give up on yourself. You have accomplished so much...you really have! You need to take a step back...maybe reinventory your house with healthy alternatives and get rid of all the unhealthy stuff your a while.
What is it that you're binging on in the evenings? Get it out of your house. No ifs ands or buts. Make yourself a plan. Map out your food schedule in advance. Know where each and every morsel, bite, crumb, lick, dollop and bite are coming from ahead of time. Much easier to stay on plan when you've got one. Make sure to have healthy lower calorie foods on hand and nothing else. No exceptions.
You fell off the wagon. Time to jump back on. Remember you don't drown in the water by falling there, you drown by staying there. So pick yourself up. Now. Today. Right this minute. Bad eating begets more bad eating - where you are now. But good eating begets more good eating. So make a vow, a pact, a promise, a pledge, a something - to stay on plan for 7 days. You can re-asses after, but promise yourself for 7 days you will stay strictly on plan. Take it one day at a time; one hour at a time. By the end of that little tiny period (probably much less by the way), you will be firmly back on track.
Bleh. Thank you everyone. I'm just really bummed about all of this. I know I'm not bulimic, I don't do it every time I eat or even every binge, but I know it's not okay.
On a side note, would these past few weeks hurt my chances of giving blood in any way?