[krampus]

My father is obese with knee pain and sleep apnea and he has suffered from inherited depression since he was in elementary school. Our conversations often turn to death and mortality and he has said some extremely morbid things in relation to his own passing.

As his daughter and someone who loves and respects him, I feel like I should encourage him to get healthy so he'll live longer and be happier. He was a star athlete when he was younger and it's very sad to see him this way. Both my mom and I have worked off our extra pounds and adapted healthier lifestyles and he says he is proud of us.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I know weight loss and lifestyle overhauls are deeply personal, but sometimes all it takes is someone saying something.

[stacygee]

JUst from myself... someone talking to me was never going to get me to start this. I had to get myself to start it. I think the best way is to be a good example and show them little things that may help. Take him on a walk down the driveway and back, and then down the street and then down the block. Bring him healthy meals that he might enjoy. Show him how good you feel from losing weight.

Good Luck

Stacy

[katy trail]

it depends on the person. yes he has to really want to change. but i wanted to change, but i might have kept gaining if my dh hadn't pushed me, and got me started.
wish i had some good advice. have lots of empathy. both my sisters need help improving their health too.

[angelskeep]

I think you can support HIM and probably that is all. Unless he wants help to change his lifestyle, then he won't change. And the more pressure he feels the less likely he is to want to listen. Just my opinion. A couple of observations: if he is depressed and not taking medication, he may be able to get meds that will help him feel better about EVERYTHING including changing/improving his lifestyle. BUT neds can make it harder for a person to lose weight.

I would still siggest that maybe you try to help him with the depresion part, and then go for the walks, eat healthy meals etc with him. Not to get him to change anything, but to share you own healthy lifestyle. And no matter what, keep reminding him how much you love him. And how much you want to be able to share your walks, meals etc. Maybe it is enough to help him to just feel better about this day than to try and think that far ahead?

Good luck and hugs to you for being a great, caring daughter to your dad.

Barb

[krampus]

Thanks everyone for your support...it's hard to see people you care about stuck in self-destructive cycles! In my case I live on the other side of the world, which probably makes me more worried.

He is taking medication for the depression, which possibly spurned the weight gain. Like my boyfriend (helloooo Freud!) he has a family history of alcoholism which means he loves sugary foods/eating in general. Come to think of it, his entire side of the family seems to have weight problems.

[maryblu]

Oh, my goodness, I feel for you so much! I just spent the evening with my BFF and she is extremely overweight, depressed and saying she is accepting death, even welcoming it. I feel so helpless.

The two things that people who have managed to live with depression talk about most are the importance of exercise and the involvement of loved ones..of course treatment and therapy are important, but Linda Dano has said that exercise is the number one treatment for depression, at least hers. The good news is that you can make it fun and draw your dad out into something. ...the adventure and fun is your challenge, but I hope for both of you that it is *doable.

The other really documented treatment is is Omega 3..Fish Oil capsules, like from the Zone.

Good luck and hugs.

[ANewCreation]

It's never a good idea to initiate these conversations, people just get defensive and hurt. However, if he brings it up (and it sounds as if he does) then I see an opportunity for you to simply say to him, 'Dad, how can I help you?' Just listen to what he has to say. If he has no concrete ideas then simply let him know that you are there for him and he can always let you know if he needs anything.

It bears repeating that weight loss has to be the individuals decision and they have to pursue the idea. We can certainly be a support system for them and help them out if they want, but in the end that's all we can do.

[dudesmom]

My husband always says that he wants to lose weight and eat healthier and exercise, though he never does. I think he would feel better and feel better about himself if he actually did something, but the most I've ever seen is a few days of better eating followed by a lapse back into old habits, sometimes worse than ever. We had a weight loss contest for a little while, but we stopped for a week when we had company and never went back to it. I don't know what to say or do to make him change, I can only hope that one day he will be inspired to change for our sons. I hope you find a resolution to your problem.

[rainbowstripe]

I feel you on this but I don't know if there is a nice way you can do it. And even if you do talk to your dad, he has to want to change on his own.

My dad was obese for years and I felt terrible, but then so was I, so was my mother, so was my sister. He got diabetes and was forced into making better choices and lost a bunch of weight and is now probably one of the healthiest people I know. My mum lost weight too as she supported him in his healthy eating.

I decided for myself to lose weight because the thought of having diabetes as something I'm genetically prone to was scary enough - not to mention I was/am unhappy being overweight. For me now, it's my sister I worry about. She is not a lot taller than me but she is a whole lot bigger and her eating scares me, particularly when I know she wants to have children in a couple of years. It just appears like she's accepted being overweight and thinks it's her only option - that or she can't imagine giving up the food she eats in the quantities she eats.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope that my sister will come to a realisation soon that she needs to change to be healthier, but in the meantime I don't think there is much that I can do.

[krampus]

There is no such thing as hijacking! I want to hear everyone else's stories and inner conflicts, too.

Not much I can do seeing as I'm in Japan and he's in New York, but I'm here for him and my mom is too and at the very least he knows we love and care about him.

[mandalinn82]

I worry a lot about my dad. I try to be the best model of behavior I can be, and when I'm cooking, he's eating lovely healthy things. But more than that would, sadly, be overstepping.

I do a lot of worrying, though. A LOT.

[krampus]

Too bad our worrying and love can't be converted to "for every time we have a concerned/worried thought about our dads, he loses 1 pound!"

[Cookc04]

Hmm if he is on medication but he still is depressed - maybe he needs to have his meds reviewed.

[shannonmb]

Is your dad being treated for his sleep apnea? I hope with all my heart he is, because if not, in my opinion it is going to be near impossible for his depression to be treated effectively or for him to make any sort of meaningful lifestyle changes. I have very severe sleep apnea, and that was my experience before being treated.

Please tell me he is using a CPAP!?!

[kaplods]

Originally Posted by krampus

but sometimes all it takes is someone saying something.

I don't know if this is really true. I've never met anyone who wasn't keenly aware that their obesity put them at greater health risk (especially when the person has other health issues and have watched loved ones lose the weight).

He has to be asking himselve a thousand times "if them, why not me?" What are your words going to do, that his own haven't?

I've known that obesity was unhealthy since I was five years old, and was put on my first diet. I tried for nearly 40 years to lose the weight, ultimately only getting fatter in the process (with a few short-lived exceptions when I was on amphetemine diet pills at 14, and on Nutrisystem in my early 20's, and after a herniated disk in my mid-20's).

I was raised in a family that held nothing back. Statements of concern, nagging, begging, pleading, yelling, punishing, lecturing (lots and lots of lecturing), even bribing didn't work - they only made me feel stupid, lazy, crazy, and utterly hopeless.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't express your concern or your willingness to help, just be very careful how you do it (ideally in response to him bringing up the subject), and don't expect miracles. He may or may not be willing or able to change. Change is rough, even small changes. Which by the way, if you notice even a small change, praise the heck out of it.

The first active step toward change is contemplation - thinking about changing. You and your mother through your success have given him a lot to think about, and there are some very positive signs that he is making that step. If he were resistant to the idea, he wouldn't be expressing his pride in you and your mom. He'd be quite or sullen about it. He'd avoid the topic.

Me suggestion would be to talk to him about your weight loss, not about your wanting that for him, too (unless he asks). Even if he does ask, I think you'll get a lot more positive response from something like

You know, Dad when I started, I didn't think weight loss was possible. I expected it to be really difficult and miserable, but it's been easier and more enjoyable than I expected it to be. I thought I'd have to give up everything I enjoy, and instead I found there are a lot of really delicious foods that are healthy (Don't lay it on too thick, or it becomes a very thinly disguised lecture)

than you would from

Dad, I'm really worried about you, and if you don't do something about your weight, you're just killing yourself.



On a separate note, if he's not on a cpap or bipap machine for the sleep apnea I would HIGHLY recommend it. The only reason I was willing to try weight loss again was because of the 20 pounds I lost WITHOUT TRYING after I started using the cpap. My pulmonologist told me that I might lose a significant amount weight without trying once my sleep improved, and frankly I though he was off his rocker (I had never experienced incidental weight loss, or even effortless weight loss in my life).

The weight loss wasn't even the best result of using the cpap. The better sleep was life-changing. It was like coming out of a coma, or being cured of zombihood.