My husband and I made this weight loss pact together, that we'd support each other etc... At first he was very strict, overly so, then gradually has gotten to the point he's just not trying anymore. He's been offering to bring home fast food, go out to Chinese buffets and snack snack snack. He just bought a 5lb tin of movie-theater popcorn from the Boy Scouts. Last night after dinner he made a turkey breast so we could have turkey to put into salads etc. I thought, GREAT!! that's quite a time-saver. Unfortunately, he wrapped the entire thing in bacon and cooked it. BACON. He said that's to keep it from drying out and give it flavor.
Then this morning I kinda hit my wall with it. He stepped on the scale, and since mid-late September, he has gained 7lbs. It didn't affect him. See, my husband can lose his JOB over his weight problems. He's in the military, and has already failed PT tests. I love him dearly, and I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad because he already has enough self-loathing to deal with, but he's actively making choices that hurt him. He's taking medication to help with his depression, but he doesn't think it's helping. I think it's because he drinks beer while taking it, which also adds calories.
He came home for lunch today, and instead of having some spinach salad with turkey meat with me, he made gravy, turkey and mashed potatoes. He told me I HAD to try some. I resisted for a long time, then I decided to have a nibble, then more. I'm frustrated. AND I'm sick. All that fat and grease has turned my stomach into a rumbling, tumbling mess. I know he doesn't control what goes into my mouth, but it's a lot freaking harder when I have all those bad foods (GRAVY FOR PETE'S SAKE?!?! HOW CAN I SAY NO?!?!?!?!?!) sitting right in my face.
This is something you probably don't want to hear and it's easier said than done, but you're going to have to leave him to his own devices. There is nothing you can do to force him to make healthier choices. You can bring up how much it scares you that his job could be in jeopardy from his inability to pass PT tests, and I would hope that he would respect and think about what his wife is telling him. You can also make sure you bring to light that you're making a team effort and you want to work together to reach both of your goals (your weight loss, his passing PT tests).
Despite what happens with your conversation, what you can do is continue to make healthy choices for yourself. 90% of weight loss is a mind game, and when you have those temptations in front of you, the only options you have are to say yes or no. My ex husband used to eat crap. Crap all the time. Make sure you have the foods that help you remain on track readily available at all times, and eventually, you won't even look twice at your husband's gravy.
I think you're gonna have to muster up the strength to resist and remind him that you are eating healthfully now and you're saving gravy for Thanksgiving. I might be the gentle reminder he needs. Sometimes, you might just have to be the one to say "you can have some but I will pass b/c I am working on this goal." Seeing your motivation might help him when his motivation wanes.
Having a healthy diet doesn't have to mean the end of good food, you just have to portion it and control how much of it you eat. If you can also figure out ways to cut fat and calories out of it, that's a bonus.
Bah! I'm with you! My husband suffers from depression too and it's AWFUL! And the meds do not work. My husband's job isn't at stake, but his health is. He has high BP, high cholesterol and is borderline diabetic with just a modest weight gain. He is one of those individuals who needs to be at his optimal weight just to be healthy.
He has asked me to nag him, so I am lucky there! But he is also completely unmotivated. Even with permission to nag, it doesn't do any good.
I don't know...these men of ours have to want it bad enough. And the depression just plain sucks. It certainly does not help matters.
When I had a similar issue with my husband I told him I really needed to talk to him and I wanted him to LISTEN to what I say, not just hear me.
My husband has Multiple Sclerosis so diet and exercise and all of that are VERY important for him and his illness. In your case it affects not only his health but his job- and if he is the only one earning income that's even more important.
If he really eats bad I have heard research shows vitamin deficiences (particularly vitamin D) can contribute to depression. I'd get him started on some multi-vitamins ASAP. It might take a month or so for him to notice a difference but they DO help (you might want to start them with him cuz even I found out I was vitamin deficient despite how healthy I ate). I'm not saying for him to stop his medication but these might help (and he should see his doctor if his medication isn't helping).
So anyways I just sat my husband down and came from an area of concern. I told him I loved him, that I wanted to grow old with him, and that I only say this because I am concerned.
After that I just walked away and left him to think about it- and since then things have changed so much (this was months ago). He has cut out so much fast food, he now has been exercising WITH ME the past 3 weeks, he eats the food I make and doesn't complain, when we eat out he doesn't go crazy eating the bad stuff, he's more conscientious about his choices, and the best part is he's cut out all soda except his one can at work with lunch, which I am FINE with. He now drinks mostly water and it's great IMO
I also think you need to flat out REFUSE any food he gives you that doesn't belong on your plan, he tries to get you to eat these things so that he doesn't feel bad eating them. Don't give in! Even if you have to put your foot down and walk out of the area he's eating at, do it.
I hear you. My husband is a chef. In the past he's said things to me like "I'm making pasta it's light" while stirring a pot of whipping cream on the stove to make a cream sauce.
whipping cream. That's right. That is what they make cream sauces out of.
Right now I kinda have the opposite problem. He's started playing soccer again this fall and is eating a little healthier. Only at meals, still occasionally having a chocolate binge or bag of chips. Withing 2 weeks you could actually see that he'd lost weight already lol
My boyfriend was terrified when I decided to change my diet. He kept saying it was going to bring the end of "us" because we had done so many things that were centered around food.
He also thought it wasn't going to last, because in previous years, whenever I had said that I wanted to start eating healthier, I would go off my good intentions, succumb to his Chinese food or Mexican food suggestions, and off the plan I would go.
This time, I stuck to it. He didn't know if I was going to get off the wagon, of course. He would tempt me. I would throw food away. I would say no. I would close my eyes and remember that I was making a choice for myself. I ordered salads when we went out. I made the point that I was in it for ME.
Now, a year later (yes, it took that long), he's finally taking a look at his own weight and diet and realizing that he can't be healthy and overweight himself. He's seeing me lose my pounds and seeing that I'm happy and full of energy.
Does my guy battle with depression? We both think so, but he doesn't take medication for it. I'm hoping that he's seen what I can do and that losing weight will make him feel better. My next step is to get him to start taking vitamins.
He's seen me walk the walk, and he's seen that I'm serious about it.
You may have to do the same thing and show your husband that you're serious about your own health.
Thanks guys. I did remind him of my goals, mainly that I want to be at or below 145 by Thanksgiving. He said he supports me. Ok. Great. I told him once I got home from errands I would also like to go to the gym. He said great, he'd take care of dinner and I could eat once I got home since he was home at 2pm.
I ran my errands and got home around 4:00, I went inside to drop the groceries and my son off, and go to the gym, but hubby had fallen asleep playing video games, and my daughter was sleeping in the living room. He has started dinner, some roast beef, and it was in the oven. A burner was on on the stove with nothing on it but whatever... I tried to wake him up and he didn't want to get up. I reminded him I was going to the gym, and he said he was just too tired to make dinner. So he told me what he wanted me to make, how to make it, and then went back to sleep. Both kids were throwing tantrums because they were hungry, so I cooked dinner.
He's STILL asleep and it is 6:30. He was very nasty when I tried to get him to help me open a jar, so I left him alone. I wish he felt better.
He did tell his doctors he still had a lot of depression and anxiety on the meds, so they increased his dosage since he was on the starter dosage.
I started out eating very well for dinner. I had about 3 ounces of beef, 3 cups (seriously!!) of salad, and a little less than 1/4 cup of mashed potatoes. After dinner, while I was cleaning up, I found myself mindlessly snacking on the leftovers. The kids wanted a small snack, so I made them 1/4 of a pb&j sandwich. I licked the pb off my finger, and boy was that a mistake. 1 1/2 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches later, and I'm sitting on here whining. I am SO disappointed in myself. I haven't even made any significant progress yet and I'm already screwing up.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 10-07-2010 at 06:40 PM.
Actually its very difficult to control the food and foodies always go for some more spicy.. more interesting and most best foods ever.. its dearly to resist the food.. even I love it and my hubby can't control on it.. but still we work out on decided pact!!
I think if you really want this, you are going to have to do it regardless of what he does. You can't let your success depend on someone else, especially if they are not striving for their goals. I suggest you just do your thing with your journey and it may just inspire him to get in the game.
He fell asleep with a burner on and a child in the house?! I believe I would have had a screeching, caniption fit that he would not have been able to sleep through! It would have been the catalyst that drove me over the edge.
Thanks guys. I did remind him of my goals, mainly that I want to be at or below 145 by Thanksgiving. He said he supports me. Ok. Great. I told him once I got home from errands I would also like to go to the gym. He said great, he'd take care of dinner and I could eat once I got home since he was home at 2pm.
I ran my errands and got home around 4:00, I went inside to drop the groceries and my son off, and go to the gym, but hubby had fallen asleep playing video games, and my daughter was sleeping in the living room. He has started dinner, some roast beef, and it was in the oven. A burner was on on the stove with nothing on it but whatever... I tried to wake him up and he didn't want to get up. I reminded him I was going to the gym, and he said he was just too tired to make dinner. So he told me what he wanted me to make, how to make it, and then went back to sleep. Both kids were throwing tantrums because they were hungry, so I cooked dinner.
He's STILL asleep and it is 6:30. He was very nasty when I tried to get him to help me open a jar, so I left him alone. I wish he felt better.
He did tell his doctors he still had a lot of depression and anxiety on the meds, so they increased his dosage since he was on the starter dosage.
I started out eating very well for dinner. I had about 3 ounces of beef, 3 cups (seriously!!) of salad, and a little less than 1/4 cup of mashed potatoes. After dinner, while I was cleaning up, I found myself mindlessly snacking on the leftovers. The kids wanted a small snack, so I made them 1/4 of a pb&j sandwich. I licked the pb off my finger, and boy was that a mistake. 1 1/2 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches later, and I'm sitting on here whining. I am SO disappointed in myself. I haven't even made any significant progress yet and I'm already screwing up.
I hate, hate, hate the sleeping. My husband goes to bed a half hour before I do, gets up two hours later than I do and takes a mid-morning 3 hour nap while I'm at work. I can't express politely how that makes me feel. And what I really hate is that when he's laying comfortably in bed at night, I'm putting away the dishes that our boys didn't properly put away, making their lunches, putting them to bed and then cleaning their bathroom. What grown man goes to bed at 8:00? I go to bed early because I'm up at 5:00.
I have learned to take out my aggression at the gym. It feel SO good! I can just put all that aside while I am spinning or lifting. I can think about it and fuel my workout or I can just let it go. Either way, it's a great way to handle it. I focus on me and my dieting needs first and my husband's second. I'll be honest, that makes him angry, but hear me on this...we deserve it.
I know you want your husband to get into this with you, but truly it has to start with you. We're now at the jealousy stage. He wants what I have achieved without actually working for it.
Also, as you know, depression can be cyclical. It sounds like he's at a low right now, as are we. Try to catch him when he's at a high state. That has worked for us in the past and he had a longer high period than normal. Unfortunately *I* lost the energy to keep him on track, so here we are again.
I guess I don't understand lots of things. Why would you make your kids a snack right after supper? They should have been plenty full on the Roast Beef and mashed potatoes...which I am also confused about. If you are doing the cooking why don't you make what you want...not what hubby dictates. (I'm guessing you wanted mashed potatoes too.) It would have been MUCH eaiser to throw some baked potatoes in the oven with the roast instead of peeling, boiling, mashing. Lot less calories too. I'm kind of thinking you are the one sabotaging your weight loss, not your husband.
I was wondering about the PB&J sandwiches as well. It sounds like you need to take charge of your diet and that of the kids. You cook what is good for you, what you need to lose weight and your husband has a choice of eating it or making his own food. I'm not married, so I can't give much advise on how to deal with him, but I have a lot of experience with kids - and picky ones at that. You just don't give them the choice to make bad decisions.
Make veggies and meat for dinner. If they don't like it, too bad. But don't offer them sandwiches afterwards. They'll eat when they are hungry enough. If they can't handle it at all, give them a choice between grapes and baby carrots, or any other healthy food they like. That way you don't put yourself in the situation where you start snacking off the kids' plates.
I know it's going to be tough. When I worked as a nanny, we started changing dinner routines. We only cooked South Beach foods and the kids - they were 10 and 7 at the time- were only allowed to eat what was for dinner. I can tell you that there were tears at dinner almost every night for a good 6 months . But it IS worth it, believe me.
Resisting temptation is difficult. I live with my parents right now and my dad is eating an entire chocolate bar almost every night - in front of me. I want nothing more than to dig in, but I don't. YOU have to make that choice - and you can do it . Even if it's hard. Even if your husband can't be supportive. Because honestly, unless you make the commitment to yourself, it won't work.
I'm sorry you are struggling, and I'm also sorry you don't have a super supportive husband who does his fair share of everything and prepares healthy meals when he gets home earlier. In a perfect world, that would all be in place to help you along.
As we know, this is not a perfect world, and anyone with a perfect husband, raise your hand! I'll be calling the Guiness world record people to come over and take a pic of him.
I want you to take this with the respect that's intended -- you are making excuses for continuing your behavior. The hubs didn't cook a proper meal, he flashed gravy and bacon at me, the kids wanted the PB&J snack.
This is about YOU, no one else. Yes, it is a terrific idea to model healthy behaviors for your husband and your kids. Ideally you will be doing most of the shopping so a lot of junk is not brought in. REQUIRED is to make sure there are healthful things for you to eat even when hubby DOES decide to go to the store and buy bacon to wrap the turkey breast in. I have to ask, who bought the bacon?
The rest has to come from you. You CAN make a sandwich for your kids without having 1 1/2 for yourself. If you, too, are needing a snack, grab an apple or a handful of almonds while you make the sandwich. If your hubby cooks and wraps the meat in bacon, scrape it off.
I find a lot of it is "detoxing" and habit. And also a MAJOR learning process. You are learning your triggers -- one bite of peanut butter, and it's ON! Okay, you can avoid doing that in the future. Once you get into a really good mindset and pattern with yourself and get rid of those nasty cravings initially, it will become easier and easier. Sure it's going to be a little harder to get that under your belt in your household if you are surrounded with the stuff, but I guess it's a question of how badly you want it.
Hubby isn't helping...
But he is also completely unmotivated. Even with permission to nag, it doesn't do any good.
but whatever... I tried to wake him up and he didn't want to get up. I reminded him I was going to the gym, and he said he was just too tired to make dinner. So he told me what he wanted me to make, how to make it, and then went back to sleep. Both kids were throwing tantrums because they were hungry, so I cooked dinner.
. But it IS worth it, believe me.
