I have been on this weight loss journey well over a year now and have lost to date 131lbs. For the last year my bf and his mom have seen most of my transformation. My boyfriend has been very supportive, as well as his mom, however I'm starting to notice a change in his moms attitude towards how much I'm losing. One minute shes telling me how wonderful I look and how I've accomplished SO much and then next she talks to me as if I don't know what I'm doing and that stuff I've learned about losing weight isn't correct.
A couple days ago she had asked me how my weight loss was going. I let her know I hit my 130lb lost goal, as well as my no-longer-obese goal; She just gave me the strangest look. Yesterday night she wanted to talk to me about that. She wanted to know what this whole "obese" thing was because as she told me "I'm not even overweight, how can I be obese?!" I tried to explain to her BMI, height to weight ratio, body fat and she said it was a load of **** and I shouldn't listen to it because "I look fine." Then when she asked me how much more I plan to lose, my answer completely shocked her; I want to lose 29 more pounds to bring me to a healthy 140lbs. All she could say was that I'm going to be too thin! She's on a daily basis telling me that one day I'm just going to be gone (as a joke that I'm losing weight). "your going to be nothing but bones if you lose 29 more pounds!" she says. And again, I tried to explain to her that is a healthy weight for me (5'3" tall), but she just doesn't understand. I know she means well and is just concerned but it really is irritating.
Shes always telling me, I need to eat more some days and drop my calories back down so my body doesn't get used to the same thing everyday (zig zagging calories) which I do when I hit plateaus...but shes telling me to eat more everyday! I've explained to her when I zig zag and she just doesn't get it. Shes always offering me "junk food" and I've tried to tell her that eating more doesn't mean eating bad! I just don't know what to say anymore. She is a really nice lady and I know she cares about me, but how do you deal with someone like this. Right now shes hounding me about drinking more cranberry juice (since I've had kidney issues) she wants me to make sure I'm drinking enough water and flushing out my system, but I only ever really drink water and don't want to drink my calories. "You NEED to drink at least 2 cans or cranberry juice a day!" she says. And today shes actually going to pick up some herbal full body detox stuff for her and I to do together O.o which I don't have a problem with, but just her forcefulness about stuff is hard to handle sometimes. If I don't want to do something I say so, but I feel scared doing it at the same time because well...shes my elder ya know?
Sorry for the long story, I just needed to write it all out...I don't know how to handle this situation.
Could you offer to talk to your doctor for her? You know 'You know, maybe you are right. When I go to my doctor next, I will ask her about my weight goal and see if it's reasonable." OF COURSE your doctor will say that it is reasonable, because it is, and this gives you an authority to fall back on. You can also promise to talk over your plan with your doctor and "make sure it's healthy". Of course it is, but you having that conversation will reassure her.
You know, I would just call a moratorium on all health and weight-loss talk, period. Next time she unloads on you just say, "Oh so sorry, I'm not discussing health or weight loss these days *little giggle* -- don't want to become obsessed you know and bore everyone around me to tears! So, have you seen that new movie with George Clooney yet, it looks great!?"
You can't out-talk a person like you are describing, so don't even try. Just don't engage on those subjects, period. And stick to your guns. Everytime she says something related to your health or weight loss just make the little lock and key mime over your pursed lips. Eventually she'll give up when you don't engage her. It will be alot more peaceful for you.
Last edited by My Michelle; 08-31-2010 at 05:50 PM.
I don't suppose you can just smile and nod? That's my approach with my mother. People don't have a concept of how much weight is and what it looks like distributed on the body. My mom's eyes bugged out of her head when I told her I wanted to lose 100 pounds and no one in my family would admit I was ever obese. I always heard "Obese is just a label. It doesn't take into account blah, blah, blah." But the fact was I WAS obese.
Now, when anyone, but especially my mom, ask how much more I want to lose, I tell them I am really happy with my body right now. (Because that's what they REALLY want to hear.) And then I say I'd like to lose a few more pounds.
You're in a tough situation. I wonder if she's worried that once you reach your goal, you'll leave her son? She's possibly conflicted about feeling happy for you and worrying about you being too smokin hot!
I think you should tell her that you really appreciate all her advice and encouragement, and just change the topic. Every time she says anything about it, just be really vague. For example, if she asks you how much weight you want to lose, just say, oh, I don't know....and switch the subject. Don't discuss anything health related with her. After a while, she'll get the picture.
Of course it's best to be straightforward and just tell her to stop meddling but it's really hard to do that and not offend her.
Another option is to ask your BF how he thinks it would be best to handle the situation...since he knows her best. Maybe he can tell her to cool it a bit.
I don't have insurance at the moment and can't afford a doctors visit
At some point in the next year you will see a doctor about something--at the very least, you'll make a trip to PP to get BC, I assume, or go to a student health center to pick up free condoms. Talk to the nurses in those situations. All you need is someone with some vague authority to say "Oh yeah, that's fine".
Can you make everything a little joke? That's what I had to start doing at one point.
For example when she says you need to drink Cranberry juice, say something like..."Oh...I LOVE cranberry juice with a big ol shot of vodka!"
When she asks how much more you want to lose as her how much SHE thinks you should lose. (This one always got to me too...like why are you asking how much more I want to lose if you don't think I should lose anymore? People only ask "how much" questions when they think a person HAS more to lose...if they didn't think you should lose more, they would assume you are at goal...)
When she pushes junk food on you tell her that you made a $100 bet with a friend that you could go 10 days without junk food.
Just humor her, and then like My Michelle said if she doesn't stop, just kind of avoid the subject.
Next time she unloads on you just say, "Oh so sorry, I'm not discussing health or weight loss these days *little giggle* -- don't want to become obsessed you know and bore everyone around me to tears! So, have you seen that new movie with George Clooney yet, it looks great!?"
Well now THAT won't work...a George Clooney movie that looks great???
Seriously, though, I think whoever said to talk to your boyfriend about it had it right. He knows his mom better than most people so he should be able to advise the best way to approach her.
, "Oh so sorry, I'm not discussing health or weight loss these days *little giggle* -- don't want to become obsessed you know and bore everyone around me to tears! So, have you seen that new movie with George Clooney yet, it looks great!?"
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My Michelle I heard Dory's voice saying this when I read it and it made me lol!
I like the being vague and changing the subject. I'm dreading this stage because I KNOW my family is going to act like this. (they did it to my grandma when SHE lost weight) "Mamama is looking so ill. she needs to eat something. she is wasting away. her eyes are sunken etc" (Grandma looks great! She is at a healthy weight now. The only change now is you can see her wrinkles more but,hey,she's 89 years! She has EARNED those wrinkles!!
So I know it is only a matter of time before they switch to me.
The problem is that everyone in my fam is overweight so they have a very skewed perspective about what looks "normal" or "healthy"
I found that when I lost weight, and got down to a healthy weight, people around me really started getting uncomfortable! I don't know why that was either...I don't know if it made them question themselves, or if they didn't know how to view me as 'normal' or what - but people just got plain weird. My mom was the worst of them! I got to the point where I would just say "Yeah, there are different ways to do everything" or I just plain wouldn't discuss my goals or how much more I planned on losing. Its a shame, especially when those same people are the ones you leaned on for support while you were in the process.
This might sound like a bit of a weird question... but is your boyfriend's mum overweight herself? Sometimes I've found that those sort of responses (e.g., "you can't lose that much weight, you'll disappear", etc) tend to come from people who are larger themselves, and know it isn't healthy, but don't really intend to do anything about it, and therefore say negative things about weight loss in other people. I once lived with a girl who was quite seriously into the obese range on the BMI, and she'd always tried (and failed) at various "diets", and she tended to be the most negative when I told her what my overall goals were (e.g., telling me that my goal weight or dress size wouldn't "suit" me, etc).
Anyway, I think your idea of keeping the conversation vague if she brings up weight loss, and changing the subject, is a great thing to do. This may well completely stop what she's doing, since if you're not giving her any material to pick at (e.g., numbers, targets, etc), she can't really make those sorts of remarks. If she manages to continue despite that, I guess you might need to be a little more direct with her, but I'd definitely try this strategy of vagueness first and see how it goes! Good luck.
tinycities - Yes she is quite overweight and I've also thought maybe that had something to do with it. She has never shown interest in losing weight herself, shes always been the type to almost be proud of the fact shes bigger. My bf is quite the opposite of his mom, hes thin and fit, and since meeting me he's gained about 10lbs which his mom likes to point out as a "good thing." My boyfriend doesn't mind the extra 10lbs, however he is VERY aware of his body and doesn't plan on gaining any more than that.
See, that's totally why I said that about people questioning themselves! The WORST critics I had when I lost weight was from people who were overweight themselves...it was like they could see me slipping away from 'the club' and wanted desperately for me to be fat again so they would have someone to commiserate with, and to not feel guilty about having a chocolate bar/soda/rack of lamb for snack.
I just don't know what to say anymore...
