Tired of Fighting and In BADLY Need of Support (long post)
Kinda a long story so I apologize ahead of time.
My fiancé and I have been together for nearly 4 years now (4 years in Dec). When he and I got together I was 17 years old and weighed ROUGHLY 175 pounds which was right at the top of my 'ideal' weight limit as suggested by blah blah blah. And I was aiming to drop about 10 pounds or so to get more in the middle of that range.
Well anyone who has been in love knows how that works out. The first 6 months he spoiled me rotten going out to eat bringing me chocolates the whole 9 yards which of course made me put on some weight. Somewhere around the 7 month mark he came to me saying he wanted me to loose some weight because he missed being able to give me piggy back rides etc. I reacted...in a not happy way.
From that point on my weight became and issue of top argument. Every time it ended in me saying I would lose weight but being so depressed and resentful about the whole thing it never happened.
During that time I was diagnosed with PCOS and was put on birth control for that. 2 and a half years went by and I gained more and more till I reached my current weight of 240 pounds. I went to the doctor to find out I am also insulin resistant.
Because of the resistance I crave sugar and carbs non-stop all the time. I am tired and listless. I am currently on Metformin (as of about 3 weeks). In the last 8 weeks I also developed tendinitis in my ankle when the tendon 'popped out of its groove in the bone' and was very hard for me to walk though that pain is finally starting to fade.
My fiancé is no longer dogging on me about my weight. He does his best to never bring up my weight but the fact I know he is wishing for it is just as bad. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy all the time but its still very hard for me to believe him. I have developed an obsessive mental aggression toward skinnier girls when he is around. I am constantly comparing myself to them and become depressed due to my size.
Even though he doesn't talk about it anymore I am constantly down about my weight. I avoid mirrors and wont put makeup on unless I do it in the car mirror where I can only see my face. I feel like I'm trapped by my own conditions. My ankle is still recovering making working out difficult and I am constantly loosing the battle with my cravings for sweets and carbs. At one point I cut candy/sweets/etc out of my diet for a month and dropped 20 pounds but as soon as I started again I gained it all right back.
I am so tired of fighting and feeling sad. Because of the PCOS I feel like I'm broken. When I started the birth control it killed my sex drive just adding one more thing to my mental 'whats wrong with me' list. I try to eat healthy but I have ALWAYS preferred carbs my whole life and trying to cut them down/out is proving to be very hard. I despise the taste of salad no matter what dressing. The only real 'greens' I like are peas and green beans. I work full time and I'm in college when I'm not so I don't ever have time to 'prepare' meals. Its always out of a can in the microwave on the go. I don't get home most nights till 11-midnight.
I would kill to be down to my original target goal of 165. Along with my weight-loss goal I would also like to be able to run a mile and be able to do at least 2 pull ups.
I need support/ideas/etc.
Last edited by RobertsKitty; 08-27-2010 at 02:14 AM.
Excuse me, but your man sounds insensitive. How would he like it if you told him that you see a certain type of guy wth other girls and get upset cause you don't have that?
One of my BFFs has PCOS plus a bad back and she's gained some weight because of it. Luckily, her husband is very supportive and understanding. This is what you deserve. It's a hard situation and you need someone on your side.
Are you taking anything for your depression? I started taking something for mines recently and am now ready to get back on the WL wagon.
If you wanna talk, I'm here and so are the other 3FCers.
No I'm not currently taking anything for my depression, nor frankly do I have the money to (college is a pain). I have suffered through depression since as far back as I can remember, always about my looks (due at that time/age to the teasing of school mates). I have tried to work myself up to talk to the college's psychologist but I simply can't bring myself to talk face to face with anyone.
I grew up getting made fun of for voicing my feelings and never did find a voice till I found the internet in the form of my first online 'relationship'. To this day I cannot properly voice what I try to say. I know what I WANT to say but when I open my mouth random goop comes out instead of the nice perfectly formed sentences in my head.
I might see if I can't get in to the family doctor at some point. I REALLY hate having to take pills for ANYTHING but maybe if I could be a little more upbeat the whole weightloss diet thing wouldn't be so hard.
The main problem I have is when it comes to depression people tend to like me to 'talk about my feelings' and I am simply not comfortable with that so I'm at a bit of a crossroads.
And no offense taken. I love him to death and 99.9% of the time he is a saint. I can't blame him for having preferences, everyone does and I would love to lose weight for him. He is just frustrated and when he gets mad he says stupid stuff he doesn't mean and he always apologizes for. I know its partly my fault for making all the promises I never kept. I'm determined to keep them now. I just wish I had before the PCOS/Insulin Resistance developed and made it a million times more difficult.
Last edited by RobertsKitty; 08-27-2010 at 02:38 AM.
well I'm kind of in your same situation I'm 29 y/o I have been over weight for the past 8 yrs I used to be 120 lbs I used to get all the attention when I go out all the guys wanted to talk to me. my boyfriend at the time used to get so jealous. now here I am lbs. straggling my self to loose it but is very hard I gained so much weight that my fiance was not comfortable with been fat and he left me when I was 3 month pregnant. I'm so determine to loose it now I'll do it for me and my daughter she is 6 y/o and just cause and fat she thinks is ok to be fat and when I tell her not to eat a lot that she is going to get fat she say is ok cause mommy is fat and pretty. is hard and I know how u feel I get very depress sometimes I even cry thought out the night. I know this time I will do it my mind is set to do I have an appointment Monday 8/30 to see the Dr for the bead diet lets see how is work.
First of all...you are NOT alone. Most of us on here are where you are or have been where you are. 29 days ago I was 227...stress up the wahzoo...cholesterol, high blood pressure, triglicerides through the roof. No energy, cravings...I could go on and on. I have made more excuses for myself that I really believed then I have chins. Trust me I have had a lot of chins! You have to embrace yourself...all the quirkly wounderful things that make you YOU. I like to call it being a "FINE WINE." Whether you drink or not everyone can appreciate a fine wine. The best grapes struggle....the sweetest most flavorful, most complex grapes struggle. They literally grow sideways on a hill, fight for the sun and water..but man, they make the best wines. Most of us out there have struggled in life. We spend so much time beating ourselves up about what shoulda coulda been...what we coulda shoulda done. STOP! Stop right now. Embrace your struggles, the journey life has given you. No matter what, it has been yours. You are a fine wine. Your struggle has made you deep, complex, sweet and I'm sure a person that people gravitate too. You probably push people away because of the way that you feel about yourself. Stop! Love yourself...you deserve it!
I tell myself every single day that I'm a fine wine. I've been through abuse, bad relationships, divorce, eating disorders..you name it. Through this struggle I have become my very own brand of fine wine. I'm proud of that. A fine wine finds a way to survive. I know you can too..not just survive but flourish. If you can't walk because of your foot...get a 2 pound weight and do some arm exercises. Not sure which ones...google it. Let nothing stop you from your dreams and your goals. Nothing. Find a diet (lifestyle) that you can live with and go for it. Every day you do nothing is another day of staying the same. It takes the first step to change the rest of your life.
I've lost 20 lbs over the past 29 days. I've been blogging about my personal journey..self discovery, and of course struggles. I welcome you to take a peak. fatmeltchallenge.blogspot.com
Oh, hun, I SO understand! I've been insulin resistant since high school, and dx with PCOS in my late 20s. It's a real pain in the patootie! And I completely understand about feeling "broken", especially with the PCOS, since it's so entwined with my being female and all that it entails. Plus, it makes it doubly hard for us to lose weight.
That being said, you CAN do this. You are definitely not alone. Check out SoulCysters for PCOS -specific support.
I've found that the only thing that helps, diet-wise, is cutting back on carbs. I highly recommend the "Insulin Resistant Diet" book (I got mine from my library). It helped explain to me how carbohydrates spike my blood sugars, and how my body can't deal well with them. And it explained in easy terms how I can link carbs with protein and balance the amounts, so that my body can deal with it better.
The other thing that really helps, though it's hard to hear, is exercise. Even 30 minutes of walking each day makes a serious difference in whether I'm losing or not. And it's amazing what it does for my mood, especially if I'm feeling down.
So, you are NOT alone. You CAN lose weight. And IR/PCOS are not the end of the world, even if they require some adjusting to.
Is Robert your fiance? If so, I think it's a little worrisome that you call yourself "Robertskitty". To me, that suggests your sense of who you are, your core identity, is rolled up in his esteem--which may be the reason your weight is making you panic. You feel like it's going to drive him away, and you won't be you anymore if he leaves you. That kind of blind fear makes it really difficult to solve your problems in any kind of rational way--it'd be like asking someone in a burning building to alphabetize a stack of papers. It's really impossible to come up with a sensible plan for diet and exercise with The End Of The World bearing down on you. If this is the case, I really, really, really recommend you find some way to get yourself into the counseling services at school. Have him schedule the appointment and drive you, if need be. It doesn't matter if you are inarticulate--that's their job, to help you find the words. This is the best thing you could possibly do for yourself and your relationship--the kind of fear and depression and anxiety you are suffering makes it hard to be a full and complete partner.
I am PCOS, and personally I found chemical BC to be terrible for my moods and my sex drive. It also contributed wildly to my weight gain. I'd talk to your doctor about going off it. If she feels a period now and then is essential, see if you can take it intermittently or if there is some other way to bring one about..
Schmead: I WISH the reason was just for having a period. The reason I'm on the BC is because without in my cysts were growing out of control and causing me huge severe pain. I would spend weeks of the month bedridden due to how extreme the pain is. If I miss more than 4 days of BC in a row my cysts start growing again and the pain gets worse as they grow and pop. My gynecologist was very concerned that the rate at which they were growing and popping that it was only a matter of time till one popped against a wall and burst out causing internal bleeding. When I had an ultra sound my right side was literally full of innumerable amounts of cysts, her best guess was in the hundred-2 hundred range. There is also quite a bit of scar tissue in my overy on the right side making all those cysts even more squished up in there. Sometimes if I stretch wrong it will make a cyst shift over to the wall and I double over in pain. Thankfully squirming around some will normally make it 'retreat into the depths' and the pain stops. So as much as I would LOVE to be off BC thats not viable.
Also, I wouldn't worry about my forum name. It is the name I use for alot of online stuff. When I join forums the name 'Kitty' is nearly always taken. I had a forum suggest combining my name with the name of a loved one. RobertsKitty is always available so I just use it without thinking anymore because it is easy to never have to worry about my name being taken!
Thanks for the support everyone. My biggest problem is I LOVE carbs. I always have since I was a kid. Its very difficult for me to cut them out of my diet.
Last edited by RobertsKitty; 08-27-2010 at 08:25 AM.
I don't think you need to cut anything out of your diet, just maybe re-evaluate your plate. Moderation and exercise are both key. And both will not only help with weight loss, but with the other stuff too. I'm sorry for your troubles and wish you the best of luck with your health and your relationship.
Thanks for the support everyone. My biggest problem is I LOVE carbs. I always have since I was a kid. Its very difficult for me to cut them out of my diet.
I don't know a single person alive, (fat or thin) that doesn't love carbs. But the difference between the fat and the thin is that the thin people love them and leave them, and a fat person loves them and can't leave them. In my humble opinion fat people are addicted to them...
I love carbs. Sugar, cookies, pie, candy, ice cream, bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, fruit...you name it I LOVE it. I loved it to 333 pounds. I had to break-up with carbs, (in sugary forms mostly...the others are not as addictive to me.)
I think in order for you to lose weight and keep it off, you are going to have to do a 180 on the food. You can live without sugar, and you're going to have to give it up for awhile if you want to get the weight off. You *MIGHT* have to give it up forever if you want to keep it off, but you can cross that bridge when you get there.
You can do this, but sorry, the excuse "I love carbs" won't get you much sympathy from me... We all love carbs.
Yeah, I don't think the loving carbs has anything to do with the PCOS. Loving carbs complicates PCOS...but the other way around is not true, that I'm aware of. PCOS is not holding you back from switching to healthier carbs...YOU are.
I have PCOS as well, diagnosed Feb '06 when trying to conceive a third child. I lost that child, thank you PCOS. I have been fighting this weight gain for 10 years and when I was diagnosed nearly five years ago now, I thought FINALLY! I have an excuse! But it isn't an excuse...it's just a further obstacle. And for some of us, it's not as bad as we make it out to be. I'm sorry to hear about the painful cysts...I thank my lucky stars I do not have that issue. I do have painful ovulations, but that's a 12 hour problem once a month. No biggie.
After three months of restricting my calories, switching to all healthy complex carbs and losing 30 pounds, I pretty much reversed my insulin resistance. You don't have to get to goal to make amazing achievements like that! I reversed my high BP in that amount of time too, going from 155/105 to 116/64 (my old high school routine BP). My severe acid reflux is gone! All of that happened in the first three months.
My carbs now come in the form of sweet potatoes instead white, whole wheat bread, fruits, vegetables, quinoa, and steel cut oats. No more rice, white bread, white potatoes, chips, pop, instant oatmeal, or instant anything for that matter. Most of what I eat is homemade from scratch. And I don't miss any of the "no more" list. I don't miss it at all. The hardest from that list to give up was the pop. The first time I got sick I whined and complained. But it's been about 10 months now and I don't miss it. I haven't had a drop in all that time.
I'm not an extremist though. I eat lots of food I do love, and I eat ice cream and chocolate!! I just eat those in severe moderation now. I've stopped eating things I don't love, like cake. I could take or leave cake, so why do I ever take it? I no longer mindlessly eat sweets just to get the sugar kick. I have my can't-live-withouts (CHOCOLATE) and I plan for them.
You can do this. You really can! And I bet you can get off the metformin. I did!
I will say this I am very lucky in that I HATE all things carbonated. I'm sure that helps. My main problem is as I said time really prevents me from home making anything. College student and working and everything else I simply don't have time. The best 'cooking' I can do is throw a pizza in the oven. Don't get me wrong I'm a great cook when I have time but time is a severe issue as is money. I normally I have about 20 bucks every 2 weeks to spend on food if that much.
My main lunch time meal is normally cambells soup and maybe something from the vending on the 10 minute break between work and class. What are some cheap fast on the go options (if any) I don't really ahve acess to a refrigerator and my home is 45 minutes away from campus which makes 'running home' between not an option.
I would try automating your meals, eating the same things for snacks and lunches and then adding variety to your dinners.
So breakfast might be steel cut oats made overnight in the crockpot. Simple. Regular oatmeal (NOT instant) is good too but I'm not sure about the crockpot part)
Hard boiled eggs are awesome!
Almonds/walnuts: Expensive, but awesome
Fresh fruits in season: bananas are great little prepackaged bits of nutrition.
Maybe make a few things ahead of time and freeze them or have them ready to grab from the fridge in the morning. Take an insulated lunch box with an ice pack.
I would suggest getting a cooler with ice packs. When I was in college, I made my meals in advance and packed them. No cafeteria. I allowed myself one Americano (espresso) with 1/2 oz cream if I really wanted to buy something.
You CANNOT use "no time" as an excuse. You are enabling yourself to continue poor eating habits when you do that. A lot of women here have (lots of) small children, full-time jobs, full-time college, all at once! You need to make yourself a priority (which it sounds like your are getting increasingly depressed by not making yourself a priority).
Cut out 10 minutes a day from something - whether it is sitting down, hanging out with your fiance, checking your email, whatever it may be. No time is not an excuse. You must have at least 10-15 minutes in a day to spare for your physical or mental health? What could possibly be more important than that?
Tired of Fighting and In BADLY Need of Support (long post)
We all love carbs.
You really can! And I bet you can get off the metformin. I did!
