[JenMusic]

I’m kind of processing this as I write, so forgive me if it’s a little babbly.

I’ve been overweight or obese my whole life. I’ve always felt HUGE (although, looking back on pictures from elementary school, I was more “chubby” than anything). By the end of high school through college, I was 200+ pounds at 5’2”.

This, naturally, had effects on my self-confidence. I was a music major in school, studying voice. This meant singing regularly in front of people and I was never comfortable. I don’t think I ever verbalized the connection then, but now I’m sure it was because I hated the way I looked and felt ashamed.

I’ve always had a good group of close friends, though. That helped, and I’ve always known (whether consciously or unconsciously) that I should love me for me. And I’m older now – 32 – and I think part of the process of becoming older is caring less about what other people think and more about how you feel. Plus, I’m pretty far down from my HW and feel pretty good about how I look most days. If you had asked me last week about my self-confidence, I would have said I felt pretty good about myself.

Then yesterday I had a bit of an epiphany. I’ve recently moved and am trying to find a new church in my area. Church shopping can be hard, because you don’t really know anyone and don’t know the system at the church you’re trying, and it can all be a little awkward, even when it’s a good experience. The closest thing I can compare it to is the first day of school as a new kid.

Anyway, yesterday, I was getting out of my car in the parking lot of a new church, and trying to psych myself up. Out of nowhere, the thought popped into my mind, “You don’t have to be ashamed of being fat anymore.”

WHAT??? Where did this come from? Have I really been carrying around shame for my body for my whole life? Do I hate myself? Do I like myself better now (and consequently, feel more worthy of attention/love from others) purely because I fit into smaller size clothes?

This is a big deal to me for couple of reasons. First, I want to have feelings of self-worth separate from appearance (obviously, I already do, but apparently my appearance matters more to me than I thought). I think this is important for me but also because I don’t want to be judgmental of others who are overweight – if I’m judging myself, how can I not end up judging others?

Secondly, I’m worried that I’m depending too much on what will happen after I get to goal. I’m worried that I’ve developed unreasonable expectations – like life will be perfect and everyone will love me and nothing will ever go wrong. I KNOW that these are ridiculous expectations, but if I’m honest about it, I do think that life will be better when I’m thinner.

I honestly don’t know what I’m asking here, and I’m sorry if this is just a giant ramble, but I needed to get it off my chest and would love any input or thoughts.

[mommy1028]

Life will be better when your thinner because you will be healthy. I don't think that anyone should love you more or less because of your size. I am one of those people who constantly worries what others are thinking about my weight. The looks from others have things running through my mind like " she is huge " or " what does she do sit and eat all day". Honestly though I do not sit and eat all day and I know that I am HUGE but what they don't know about me is that I am trying hard to lose this weight. I am eating healthier and I am exercising more now than I ever have in my life. I want this for me! I want to be thin and healthy. Their opinions of me and what they think my body should look like does not matter to me anymore. I am doing this for myself, my health, and most importantly so I can live to see my daughter grow up and be able to run and play with her without needing a break. It's what you think about yourself that matters. Good luck in your weight loss I'll be cheering for you!

[RobinD]

Oh, what a wonderful post. It has really resonated with me, and I need to give this a good mulling over. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Also, congratulations on your success so far!

[EagleRiverDee]

That is a great post. What an epiphany! It's rare for our sub-conscious to assert itself like that, but how wonderful for you!

[Robin41]

People do quickly make assumptions about obese people upon first meeting. That's a simple fact and there's probably a million years of evolutionary reasons for it. No matter how secure you are in yourself, you can't help but be relieved that first impressions will now be based on your personality, or your smile, or whether you wore a beautiful or a god-awful sweater, and not on your weight. I think it's perfectly natural and it doesn't mean you hated yourself before.

Life is easier when you're thin. Basic everday tasks are easier, you're less tired at the end of the day, you don't spend a lot of time worrying about whether you'll have a heart attack if you decide to run for a bus. That doesn't mean you don't have problems but truly, they do seem more manageable than they did before.

[caryesings]

Originally Posted by Robin41

People do quickly make assumptions about obese people upon first meeting. That's a simple fact and there's probably a million years of evolutionary reasons for it. No matter how secure you are in yourself, you can't help but be relieved that first impressions will now be based on your personality, or your smile, or whether you wore a beautiful or a god-awful sweater, and not on your weight. I think it's perfectly natural and it doesn't mean you hated yourself before.

Life is easier when you're thin. Basic everday tasks are easier, you're less tired at the end of the day, you don't spend a lot of time worrying about whether you'll have a heart attack if you decide to run for a bus. That doesn't mean you don't have problems but truly, they do seem more manageable than they did before.

Well said.

[paris81]

Thanks for posting your thoughts on this, it's always good to see other people struggle with similar questions throughout the process!