Ugh ... "If You Want To Get Married, You Better Keep Losing Weight"
 

I am a caregiver for my aunt who has MS related dementia. She is very much mentally aware but prone to some delusions.

Last night I was doing her laundry and we were talking about my future, I mentioned wanting to get married and she pauses and goes ...

"You're going to be really mad at me for saying this. But if you want to get married, you better keep losing weight."

Instantly devastated. I now that I'll be successful in my weight loss goals, but my body will never be the way I want it to look, I've done some serious damage to it through my massive weight gain. Does this really mean that no man will ever love me?

I've never been one to say 'weight doesn't matter' because I think it does. Physical attraction has to be there in a relationship for it to really work ... but blah. I didn't need this now.

I was already feeling SO bad about myself, and that just made it worse.

The right guy will be attracted to you either way. I was almost 280 when we got married. Don't let that kind of thinking get you down, because it's so not true.

It just really broke my heart. I've always worried that I'm not good enough for someone, and this kind of just cemented it. And I mean, from a family member? :(

I hope that it isn't true, and that I am able to find someone based on how wonderful of a person I am.

Of course physical attraction is a part of it, but weight doesnt' determine physical attraction.
I started dating my sons father at my highest weight, and to this day he still stops out of now where some times and just says "You're beautiful" That was at 248 - 190 and everything in between.

Don't feel bad about yourself, look how far you've already come, be PROUD of yourself!

I started dating my husband when I was just under 300 lbs after I had lost 70 lbs. I've known many women who met their partners/SOs/spouses/etc when they weighed well over 200 lbs.

I also dated other men prior to dating my husband, even one guy that became a stalker (not good) and I weighed 350 lbs at the time! So anyway, I think overall, you shouldn't dwell on your weight in terms of dating. One thing you may need to work on is your self esteem. I think that helps the most. Even if you don't believe it now, fake it.

Your aunt has MS related dementia so she doesn't have the checks and balances in her mind now that most of us do. That is, forgive her for what she said and go on with your life.

You have done a remarkable job of losing the weight. Don't let a comment from a loved one who has dementia bother you.

Just keep on doing what you have been doing, and when the time is right, the right guy will show up in your life.

The right man is out there for you, and will be attracted to you for who you are, not your weight. I met my hubby, I was over 200 pounds, and at my hightest, was 275. He's been through my weight ups and downs and doesn't care either way.

Family will always be brutal, no matter what, so take everything with a grain of salt. You are beautiful and someone will love you for it.

I met my hubby at 215ish and married at 230ish, and he tells me I'm the love of his life, or I'm beautiful ALL the time.

When it's the right person, they will love you for YOU and not what you look like. And yes, physical attraction is part of it, but its not all of it. :)

And... don't be so hard on yourself. You have to learn to brush some things off! :hug:

Nope. Not true. I met DH at the start of my gain and he's seen me 165 - 265 and pregnant to boot.

Besides, bodies age -- Women have babies. Hair goes grey.

It doesn't matter before or after the wedding.

And keep this in mind too -- we get to pick our friends and spouses. We just inherit our relatives... and some of them we wouldn't pick out if we could have had a choice.

Add that your aunt has dementia... I'd just let it slide and try not to pay attention to that stuff.

My dad has PTSD and says all kinds of crazy stuff too. I know its the disease talking, not him. It hurts when he does it and I'm in the moment with this ugly comment just let out in the air. But I eventually get my perspective back and can move past it and not dwell.

GL!

A.

Physical attraction doesn't always mean being attracted to an attractive body. (Yeah, that wasn't an an awkwardly worded sentence, not at all. :dizzy:) Even at my highest weight my husband was all over me, because it was -me- and he found -me- beautiful. And yes his attraction has grown since I've lost weight, but that has more to do with me being comfortable and actually not minding when his hands wander now because I feel less awful about my weight. I know that I'm probably going to have issues after I lose weight (I'm prepared for loose skin considering I've been overweight my entire life and it already feels loose, stretch marks, etc), but he's the only person I know won't care.

Does that mean every guy will be able to see past the outside? No, some people are very shallow. But there are a lot of guys who will. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" isn't just a saying, though sometimes it seem like it with the strict perception of beauty that's shoved in our face all the time. Yeah, I agree that a trim, fit, and "tight" body is more sexually attractive. But when you get to know the person the body matters quite a bit less.

Thank you so much everyone, and thanks for sharing your experiences with me. It really hurts to hear something like that from a family member when I thought they were the ones who were supposed to be telling you how beautiful you are.

I just hate to think that my weight really plays such a huge roll in me finding love in my life, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month for four years, and it gets hard sometimes.

I know I'm not a hideous beast, and I know that I'm a fun and happy person to be around and that people want to spend time with me but whenever I think about why I'm single the real reason it comes down to is me being overweight.

The truth is, that's probably not what it is at all - it's probably that I don't go out and meet people as easily as others, but it's hard to put that in perspective when I feel so badly about my weight.

So not true. Weight can be or become a factor, but it certainly isn't for everyone or every situation. It does not necessarily effect physical attractiveness. Physical attractiveness does not necessarily effect your ability to find love. Physical attraction is subjective, and widely varied. Physical attraction is a non-issue to a lot of people. Physical attraction can grow. Things that used to bother you can become a non-issue or a turn on. Most importantly physical attraction is NOT and SHOULD NOT be the main factor in a relationship!

I understand your concern, but seriously, you are hurting yourself by thinking this way. Have confidence in yourself. You will find someone, and they will love you for all of you: heart, mind, body and soul.

This reminded me of one of my favorite sonnets:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Translation: Love is eternal. Beauty is not.

I met my husband about 20 lbs from my highest weight. Dating put on an extra 20 lbs, andwhen we married, I was at my highest weight. My hubby is a big guy too (though I think I outweighed him slightly when we married), but he didn't "settle" for me, and I didn't "settle" for him. We chose each other, because we each had what the other was looking for (and for neither of us was a slim, sterotypically beautiful body on our list).

My husband is a charismatic and fun guy. He's dated women from pretty to frumpy (a couple were very pretty). Even obese and disabled, he still has women (often younger, thinner women) flirting with him (a few have even done it in front of me, assuming I suppose that I'm "no competition" for them).

If only appearance mattered, women wouldn't be after my husband (he's not wealthy either). If only appareance mattered, I would have to worry about these younger, prettier women chasing after my husband.

I'm not worried. I know he loves me, and I know he finds me sexy and beautiful (he did 85 lbs ago, too), and I know he has no interest in finding anyone younger, thinner or in any other way in a "better package," than I am.

Your aunt isn't thinking clearly, and you're putting more validity in her comments than they're worth.

Physical attraction can be important in a relationship, but for many people not as much as you'd think. It defintely doesn't have to be there before other feelings, and it doesn't have to be inflexible. I wasn't initially attracted to my husband at all. I doubt I would have had a second date with him, if we'd met under different circumstances (I placed a personal ad, and we'd been talking for at least 3 hours every night for quite a while before meeting (at least a week, I think closer to two). I don't think I was his ideal either (his celeb crush is Drew Barrymore, so heavy isn't his preferred body type).

Don't get me wrong, we didn't vomit when we saw each other, but as our friendship grew so did our physical attraction for each other. I loved hubby's red/auburn hair. Eight years later, it's mostly gray. If he decided to dye it so that it would be red again, I'd be very happy but it wasn't so important that I'm not attracted to him anymore. There are so many components of attraction, and the perfect body doesn't top most people's lists.

Whether you lose weight or don't, there will be men who are attracted to you, some of which you will also find attractive. It is true that the less conventional you look, the smaller the dating pool, but even 800 lb men and women find love. People with disfigurements, jerks and idiots.

If only perfect people attracted mates, the human species would have died out millenia ago.

Thank you all again for your kind words. I do know that there are people who have been attracted to me based on my personality alone and that's what I tend to be attracted to when it comes to others.

I don't know why I think that if I don't look for the physical attractiveness of someone I assume that everyone else does. I think it's just because I'm so ashamed of the way I look. I just need to get over it and start to love myself more, then someone will love me too.

I know I'm placing too much validity on what my aunt said, it's just that comments like that really hurt my feelings. I already worry that I'll never look how I want to, but to hear that I'm just not good enough as I am now from someone else - well that really hurts my already fragile feelings.