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Hard to take my own advice...accepting things we cannot change

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Old 07-27-2010, 07:31 PM   #1
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Default Hard to take my own advice...accepting things we cannot change

So I'm sure you've seen my posts b&^%ing and moaning about my belly fat, and I know with some more time there could be some improvement in the area, but I'm having trouble accepting that it will never be what it was. It was never perfect and I'm fine with that, but it is a typical I've lost a ton of weight and now have a saggy belly and will never not have a slight muffin top if my pants are too tight and will NEVER be able to wear a bikini again tummy (plus some extra fat I could do without).

I've always cautioned losers to be realistic with their expectations of weight loss because it won't solve all your problems and things don't always turn out the way you hope they will and in the end you have to love the body you have because there are only so many changes that are within your control. If you're not realistic with what weight loss will bring then it is very possible you will get to your goal and realize that it wasn't ever the weight that was the problem in the first place, it was your self image and that's still a problem so you regain. My mom is the classic case of this, she's never ever been satisfied and yo yo'd her entire life and I do not want to be that.

So why am I having such a hard time taking my own advice? Why to I feel it's necessary to lose 5 more lbs just be sure miracles don't happen? I guess I'm just trying to to a little soul searching to figure this out, because I don't want to be the classic yo yo dieter and in general I'm thrilled with my results and proud of what I've done...but for some reason it still just doesn't feel like quite enough and I cannot for the life of me figure out why...
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:51 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by ncuneo View Post
...will never not have a slight muffin top if my pants are too tight and will NEVER be able to wear a bikini again...
You don't have to apply for a license to wear a bikini. It isn't regulated by the government for the safety of innocent beach-goers. And considering that many of us are fine wearing two-piece swim suits when we weigh a LOT more than you, I think this is a bit of an over reaction. There are a lot of people wearing bikinis without having the body of a Victoria Secret model. And you get a muffin top when your pants are too tight? Who doesn't? So don't wear your pants too tight.

You've done an amazing thing and you need to just chill out. Perhaps seek out posts from other maintainers who are happy with 95% of their bodies and learn how THEY deal with the parts of them that aren't perfect. Have you posted something like this in the maintainers forum? That's probably going to get you a better/more useful sampling of responses.

You've reached your goal (maybe) and you need to take the time (I believe you promised 6 months) to let your body settle in. You could weigh exactly the same in 6 months and your body composition and shape could have changed completely. You won't know, however, unless you give it time to get there.

Or save up your pennies and get a tummy tuck. I'd say you deserve it if you want it.
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:02 AM   #3
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We went to the river last weekend. There were many, MANY women there with imperfect bellies. One of them looked to be about 9 months pregnant, skinny legs, arms, face, and this pot belly. She was sucking down beer though, so I'm sure she wasn't pg. One lady had stretch marks and a saggy balloon belly, but was strutting her stuff like she was perfect.

There I sat in my dress (literally, a bathing suit with a skirt down to my knees) worrying that someone was going to be picking on me. These women were far, far from perfect, but they had the confidence to pull it off.

I bet you have that confidence within yourself, also. You made a plan, stuck to it through thick and thin (pardon my pun) and succeeded beyond MY wildest expectations for myself, maybe yours too. I bet, given that time you promised yourself, you will come to see that belly as battle scars, or the price you had to pay for your wonderful children, and wear it with honor instead of shame.

Good luck!
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:06 AM   #4
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Yeah - what she said.

Also - if I remember correctly - you have children - or at least one? Right b/f I got PG, I got down to 210 and I had a pair of "skinny" pants I was so happy to be wearing. Now... I am back to 210 (209, actually!) and those skinny pants are too tight on my lower belly. It's like a bomb went off and blew up my uterus. Saggy belly flab everywhere! It will never be the same... but my son is so wonderful. He is worth the extra sag and stretch marks.

I plan to have another one one day... and if my belly gets even worse... and it bothers me that much, then I will be considering saving up for a tummy tuck.
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:30 AM   #5
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You are really going to have to do soul searching on this & rock out your body as it is

I have bad stretch marks on my belly from 3 very active babies but I'm in that bikini anyways. The area I'm most sensitive about is my legs. I have a lot of extra skin & have been making an extra effort to be more accepting of that area. I hate wearing shorts above my knees so I've been making myself do it...it's hard but I'm slowly getting better with it
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:02 AM   #6
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Girl, I say wear the bikini!!! I will try to remember my own advice too when I get to goal. I already have the dream two piece picked out - it's no VSecret suit- more like a tankini that will cover more, but when I am at goal weight I am wearing that baby even if I have loose skin!
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:09 AM   #7
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I've observed that when people lose a lot of weight and then continue to keep losing, they start to get questions about it--like, "Why are you still trying to lose?" "Don't you think you've gone far enough?" Friends and family members start to worry about eating disorder.

The reason, I think, aside from a sometimes legitimate fear, is that someone who was once obese and then drops a lot of weight tends to get a gaunt-looking face and thin or even bony hands and arms. These are the parts that people see. They don't see the midsection with its hidden rolls so clearly. So, even though you know you aren't underweight, you kind of look like you are to others. (I don't mean you personally.)

The mental side of it is something else. That can be worrisome because it does start to sound like disordered thinking. The danger is that one's body will never be satisfying--there will always be some part that looks "too fat"--even if it is not... And it can turn into a quest for an impossible "perfection."

You may want to work on the idea that if you never could lose even another pound, your body would be OK with you. Think of the positives that you have gained and put aside worrying about "imperfections."

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Old 07-28-2010, 11:24 AM   #8
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Are you a perfectionist in other aspects of your life? Are you an all-or-nothing person? These types of personalities lend themselves well to "I'm either going to weigh 100 pounds or 300 pounds because nothing but 100 is good enough."

I have that kind of thinking and am working on myself, my own soul searching, as I continue this journey hoping to stave off that kind of thinking. I'm focusing every day on how tickled I am at the craziest things that were so horrific before like being able to walk through a turnstile without fear of getting stuck!

As for bikinis, there are many styles. I think at my current weight I could get away with a high waisted bikini, if I wanted to do...which I don't. Just based on how I look in my underwear I think it would work because the high waist tucks in the tummy. You may never wear a string bikini, but do you really have to?

Goodforme reminded me of a woman I saw at our water park. She had rolls of fat and was wearing a small bikini. The rolls over her belly ate the bikini bottom!! You could not see it! I'm not saying that's a good idea! But I'd say you're perfectly within your rights to wear a bikini.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:01 PM   #9
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You have made a fantastic accomplishment- losing 120 pounds! I can't really add to the great advice you've gotten already, but somehow you need to get your mind off your belly and focus on positives. I've struggled with obsessive, negative thinking, too. And what's helped, though I resisted for a long time, is "thought blocking." When I find myself thinking negatively, I stop and force myself away from that thought. It sounds overly simple, and yet it is difficult to do. But it IS possible to teach yourself to stop these unhealthy thoughts. It's like learning to NOT GIVE IN to a craving. I don't know why I want to think these self defeating thoughts, but they are as destructive as junk food to someone trying to lose weight! Just as you control what you put into your body, you can control (accept or reject) the thoughts that occupy your consciousness.

My brother and I call our negative voices "Rufus." It's a long story. But it helps to remind each other that it's Rufus who says, "You're body isn't "perfect," so you're not good enough." Believe me, if your belly was "perfect," Rufus would find something else to pick on. Shut up, Rufus!

If we stop listening to the internal lies that we aren't good enough, there is nothing to stop us from accomplishing ANYTHING! (which is kind of scary- maybe that's why it's so tempting to listen?)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might be a good thing for you to look into. It's all about identifying these self-defeating thinking patterns, and learning to change them. Good luck- you have achieved too much to let negative thinking derail you!
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:18 PM   #10
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My sister lost a lot of weight (well over 100 pounds) with weight loss surgery 7 years ago. When she first lost the weight, her body did not look like she expected, and she was pretty depressed. However, she felt so much better. She continued to live her busy life, chase after her kids, work, play softball with the church team, etc., and her body reshaped--I mean, it reshaped! Even places like her arms, where her skin was so loose when she first lost the weight--even that tightened and firmed, and I have to look really hard to see jiggly spots on her now, and she weighs a little more than she did when she first dropped after surgery.

Maybe give your body some time. Keep doing what you're doing and living your life and see if things don't "migrate" to a more amenable placement during that time. You're still way young--it's not like you're going to be missing out on your last summer in a bikini if you take some time to let your body get used to its new form.

You're such an inspiration to so many people here (including me!). Be gentle to yourself (mentally and emotionally, I mean). You're doing just fine.
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LiliK View Post
You're such an inspiration to so many people here (including me!). Be gentle to yourself (mentally and emotionally, I mean). You're doing just fine.
Ditto!
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:48 PM   #12
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btw, it's great that you are recognizing and acknowledging that this is an issue for you. you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin- you've certainly earned it!
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Old 07-28-2010, 02:42 PM   #13
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I need to chime in here. I saw pictures of you on the goal thread, and you look smokin' hot to me! Congrats on your accomplishment, you have done what many women dream of doing. And rock that bikini!
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Old 07-29-2010, 12:57 AM   #14
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Thank you everyone! This all helped a lot. I'm not sure what this emotional roller coster I am on is, but I think it's time to get off and feel good about being me and start enjoying all the awesome things in my life including my new healthy hobbies (running, cooking, etc.)

I am a perfectionist and I've always known it. I'm an only child and come by my perfectionist nature honestly. It's helped me achieve a lot of great things in my life but it hinders me at times as well and cause some anxiety. So new mission - accept ME so I can maintain this new great clothed body
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My Journey
268 lbs - Journey Begins (January 11, 2006)
197 lbs - 71 lbs lost (October 15, 2007)
247 lbs - 50 lbs gained pregnancy (August 22, 2008)
195 lbs - baby weight gone (July 7, 2009)
168 lbs - 100 lbs lost (March 26, 2010)
148 lbs - GOAL! 120 lbs lost (July 18, 2010)
138 lbs - 10 lbs under goal (December 29, 2010)
PR 1/2 Marathon - Time 1:59:50 (November 11, 2012)
PR Marathon - Time 4:40:53 (March 18, 2012)
Today 140s & training for my Health
"There is nothing you can't have tomorrow so there is no reason to eat it all today."

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