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Old 07-27-2010, 01:21 PM   #1
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Default Need tips for a hard day

Today marks 13 years since we lost our 1st born. I always find today very hard to cope with. I tend to re-hash/re-live all the details. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, but today is painful. Already today I find myself slipping and turning to food to comfort me.

13 years ago today was the beggining of me just not caring enough about myself. Things have gotten better with time. I have a beautiful family, 3 girls who make me so happy. I recently realized that I do care about me!!! I just always feel like something is missing in my life...

Any tips to help avoid comfort foods would be great?
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:31 PM   #2
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You might already do this, but can you work on a little memorial time for your son? Instead of thinking about (or NOT thinking but trying to just turn to food for comfort) eating away your sorrow, can you channel that? Not sure the ages of your children, but if young, perhaps taking your daughters and getting bubbles or a few colored helium balloons from the dollar store to "send up" to him, a candle, finding a nice poem/prayer that you could do as a family? Or just you alone, if that's better. Whatever works. Don't squelch it.

I think a lot of people will read your note and be thankful that what they thought was a "tough day" ... actually is nothing compared to yours.
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:44 PM   #3
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Oh my goodness.

I'm incredibly sorry you had to live through something like that. I second the idea of a memorial, maybe including your daughters in it, maybe not if they're too young or wouldn't understand. Maybe remembering him in a purposeful way, instead of turning away from the hard memories and using food to comfort yourself, would be helpful.

My thoughts are with you on this tremendously trying day.
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Old 07-27-2010, 02:26 PM   #4
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Thank you both for your replies. I do have a memorial for him on his birthday but never have done that on the D-Day..I don't know if I could have a memorial type thing on this day. It was a tragic passing with lots of agonizing things that happened.

I think I will keep myself busy when I get home, enjoying my family. Maybe do some swimming with the girls. They are 12, 9 & 4. The older two understand and are fully aware of their brother. On his birthday we send him balloons with special notes from all of us and usually spend the day by the water which is where I am more at peace then the cemetary.

I am doing the best I can to stay on plan and whatever happens tomorrow is a new day!! Thank you again for your replies and support.
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Old 07-27-2010, 03:59 PM   #5
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:33 PM   #6
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Hugs! So glad that you have reached a point where you know that you care about you! I've never lost a child and realize that can be a lot different, but from my experience with grieving, sometimes memorializing helps and sometimes distraction is better. I've almost made a memorial out of planning trips during the month of July due to a pair of bittersweet, grieving anniversaries. It doesn't matter if I ever take the trips, the distraction is in the planning. Sounds like keeping busy with your family might work for you in a similar way. Other good distractions for me are paperback novels and exercise.
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Old 07-27-2010, 05:06 PM   #7
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Aw!! Well obviously you've become so strong since then. You have come a LONG way! Just remember that your son wouldn't want this for you. Celebrate his LIFE. Don't dwell on bad things. You are stronger than a cookie and pizza!!


Love to you!
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:20 AM   #8
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Thank you to all for your caring replies. I managed to stay on plan yesterday. I felt very empowered that I was able to do that. Spent the evening outside with the family swimming and playing and away from the kitchen..
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Old 07-28-2010, 12:22 PM   #9
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I'm very sorry to hear of your child's passing, and I am sorry about the pain surrounding this anniversary. I know how anniversaries can be; this September will be 9 years since I was raped (he was prosecuted and sent to prison for life--thank God). What helps me during this time, when I remembering all the details (not that I forgot, not a day goes by that I don't think of it) and having those body memories and such, is I spend time doing self-soothing activities in the days leading up to the anniversary. I take hot baths, try to read, buy myself something nice (not food), see a movie, etc. On the actual anniversary, I go out of town. Every year since the first I have made a point to do something unique, exciting and positive. It's impossible not to be upset, depressed and terrorized by the thoughts of what has happened, but I attempt to make this day a celebration of my life. So instead of lying on my bed all day (tempting), I get out and do something great. Past events have included long car trips out of state, special dinners, dancing and movies. This year I am participating in a 5K race in a huge field filled with hot air balloons. I'm going to go in one of those balloons. It will help me to get through the day, and it will be so much fun!

I hope that you take good care of yourself and family during this time. Remembering to cover all your bases with your physical health by eating and exercising right will help you to cope with the turmoil of emotions you're feeling. Please take care of you now!
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Old 07-28-2010, 02:04 PM   #10
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Dear Friend:
Your baby is an angel who is watching out for your 3 girls...
I'm pretty sure he wants you to be happy and healthy for your others daughters.. food is not a way to cope with your pain!!!

''Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, which is why it is called the present''
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:17 PM   #11
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Ah, man, you all made me cry in a public place! There should be warning signs, "Caution, if you are the type that cries at Hallmark commercial, this is NPF." (Not Public Friendly)

I'm glad you got through the day okay Sha.

Honestly, I don't remember the death day of anyone I've lost. I try my hardest to focus on the happy memories, and not the sadness. Of course, I've never lost a child, and nothing so tragic, so I recognize how empty that must sound to you. You've been dealing with this for 13 years, I doubt there's much anyone could say at this point that you haven't heard a hundred thousand times before. Just know that even people you've never met before do care, and offer you a hug and an e-shoulder to lean on any time you need it.
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