Yikes. It's amazing that even though I never ever for even one second don't feel fat, I am still surprised when I see an actual photograph taken in an unguarded moment. It's on facebook (posted by someone else) right now and my initial reaction was to ask my friend to take it down but ya know what? That's what I look like. The only person surprised by that picture is me.
I have been sitting around feeling sorry for myself for weeks, months, YEARS and making excuses as to why I can't start today or forgetting that I had intentions of starting today but oh wait, I forgot, how did those pancakes get in my mouth? It's just time. I saw a photo of myself in my own home and didn't RECOGNIZE myself for a split second. I thought, WOW. That chick is FAT. Gulp. And she's wearing my clothes.
I can not live at this weight for even one more day. I think I have finally reached the tipping point. I have been saying for years - I wish I could quit fast food,junk food,Diet Coke,and just plain overeating the same way I quit smoking: without any regret, without looking back, and without missing it for even a moment. The smell now gags me and when I see other people huddled up outside smoking, I don't envy them. I think how much it must suck to have to find a place to stand in the cold or the rain or the heat just to smoke. I just totally lost any desire for it and one day started thinking of myself as a non smoker and that was it. I'll never go back. I had that one experience that was a turning point and I never gave it a second thought. Addiction dead.
Before I quit smoking, I always thought that "one day" I would quit and it would suck. I would not smoke, but I would go on wanting to forever and ever and life would be one long white-knuckle drag with no joy forever. I mean, THAT is how much I liked smoking (you must like something if you do it 20+ times a day) and that has kind of been my thinking all along with trying to lose weight: that one day I would just screw up my courage and stop having stuff I love and life would be one long joyless slog forever and ever but at least I would be thin. I think that picture, seeing what all my bad habits are DOING to me, has finally tipped things in another direction. I think I want to NOT look like this WAY more than I want to eat any amount of just about anything you can think of. I hope this is my "quit" moment and just like with smoking, I have found that visual that will see me through.
I think I can finally see that the momentary joy of eating that cheeseburger (or that 4th slice of home made bread) is never going to be as enjoyable as having a normal life. I think I'm ready to let go.