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Old 07-10-2010, 10:45 PM   #1
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I'm frustrated and stressed... and just need to vent a bit.... and maybe a bit of advice (I'd rather not have advice like "your mom is right" and "get off your lazy a** and move it", but nicer versions of that won't be turned away).


I'm frustrated at:

myself
my mom
my older brother
my life
my failures
my inadequacies that always have to be brought up


and... I'm stressed. My family is moving back to Serbia (I'll be coming back in four weeks) on Tuesday. And... apparently nothing I'm doing is correct... nor is anything my mom, my brother, my dad, nobody is. And so stress levels for everyone are high. And the fact that when I'm stressed I need to be ALONE makes me into a "anti-social lazy bum", which makes me more stressed, upset, etc.

And... of course... my mom EVERY morning has to ask me "have you brushed your teeth, put on deoderant, showered, etc". And... I'm the kind of person where, if you ask me something like that more than once (and it's sometimes even up to four or five times A DAY), it's my first reaction to do the opposite. Which annoys me because I'm trying to get it done, but it's stressing me out even more when my mom asks me if I've done it and then glares at me no matter how I answer, and then starts telling me that "she's looking out for my best interests" and so on. And yeah... she is... but I'm SEVENTEEN for crying out loud!!! I don't need to be reminded to brush my teeth and make sure I put on deodorant or showered every ten minutes!!!

So... I'm stressed... annoyed... etc.

My mom is also the controlling type... and I'm the type who can't stand to be controlled. Told what to do by bosses and stuff... fine. But when someone has to have a hand in my life and what I'm doing at all times... I get very upset, stressed, and will lash out. I guess I'm a private and independent person. I should have been a wolf. Leave me alone, maybe give me a list of chores or something, and I'll get done whatever needs to be done. I don't want you to hover over me. And that's what my mom is doing.

Yeah yeah... I've heard the whole "she's trying to hold onto what she has left of you since she won't have you with her in four and a half weeks". And sure... that's probably true... but it's been like this for the past six months... and it's DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!!

It's also one of the main reasons that diets have never worked with me in the past. When I was 10, put on my first diet by my parents (Atkins), I would sneak out and buy candy with my own money I earned... because I had to be in control. I would start my own diet plan, then suddenly my mom had to control it, always telling me to do stuff, or glaring at me even if I'm eating something that I had PLANNED to eat, and I would rebel I guess you could say, and end up ruining all my efforts. Yeah... it's really MY fault... but even though I've asked my mom to STAY OUT OF IT, she won't... and now she's glaring at me with ANYTHING I eat... and I'm starting to feel the familiar sense of "run from this... now".

The other day I bought a retractable leash to use when I go running with my dog, since she likes to run off and sniff things (it's OK out here because I run cross-country type thing in the back pasture/wood). I was planning on going for a run today, and I was ten minutes away from going out there when mom comes in. "Kelli, Tasha wants to try out that new leash, it's nice outside, go for a run.", and gives me the whole "if you don't you'll regret it look". I was angry, I was upset. Maybe it's the whole "rebel from mommy" type thing... but as soon as she said that, I didn't want to go on the run. I mean... I did... but it'd mean that she... "won" or something if I did... and that would go against every instinct I had... but that was ridiculous... but I no longer want to go for a run if mom is telling me to... but you're being absurd, you wanted to five minutes ago, just go.

URGH. I've told her to stay out if it... because it messes with my head. My mom is controlling... I can't stand to be controlled. Can it easily be said that we butt heads?


That... and I feel upset and mad because I messed up my own diet. I screwed up. I try and get back on the bandwagon... but the strong desire I had isn't there... and that's making me even more upset.

I'm just tired of messing up and having it rain down on my head by everyone. I got in trouble today because it took me two minutes longer than everyone else to shovel rocks into three buckets. And I was the one with the flat tipped shovel... meaning as soon as it hit a big rock in the ground, I wasn't able to pick up everything. So... I was exerting more effort than everyone else... but I'm the one being lazy? I ask for help on my last bucket because everyone else had finished and were just waiting for me, and I got yelled at, being told that I shouldn't ask for help from someone who did "2-3 buckets for your 1". This was my THIRD bucket.


I am tired. I've been traveling non-stop. I've had to say way too many goodbyes. I'm terrible at keeping up with old friends. I'm kind of tired of making new ones, just to have to say goodbye to them six months later.

I want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to... dare I say it? Hurt myself. I used to scratch myself. I stopped... but this is how I felt it when I did it then... and I keep catching myself trying to scratch my skin raw to where it hurts.

I've had a few "big" meals lately... and ended up in the bathroom ten minutes later puking it all up. Not on purpose for most of it... but because it comes up. If I eat any more than a certain amount... all of it ends up outside of me. I feel guilty, I feel horrible... and I feel as though I'm a complete failure who just can't do anything right. I do have a sensitive stomach, but then that begins to feel like an excuse, and then I get in trouble because I DON'T eat something that is prepared for me... but then I do... and since it's something that my tongue doesn't like, I wolf it down... and again end up in the bathroom puking it all up. It's not healthy, it's not right. But... I'm not TRYING to do it.


I shouldn't feel this way. I'm being silly, I'm being stupid. I'm just an ignorant little girl who is practically brain damaged due to her age and is making up excuses. And yeah... it's probably true. But... I'm tired of being told what I'm doing wrong. Not once have my good skills been praised. It's always like "oh... that's what you do, that's nice", and then that's it. What's the point of trying if you get yelled at for every tiny thing you do wrong. It's like when my parents go out of town for a couple days. I try so hard (spent 3+ hours) to make sure the house looks nice before they get back. And I get yelled at because the mail is on the kitchen table (a mess), and I have two things out in the living room that I was working on ten minutes before they got back. Nope... I'm a slob.

My mom is ALWAYS comparing me and my "organizational skills" to those people on the Hoarders show. Saying to other people "reminds me of Kelli" or to me "you're gonna end up like that" or "sounds like you doesn't it?"


Oh... and my brother came home for the day. He has been working at a Christian camp for the summer... he's a sophomore in college this year... and he hasn't technically been a member of this family since sophomore year of high school, the year he went to boarding school in Germany. (not for anything bad, but for a better education). He is always critisizing me, my interests and hobbies, what I watch (I was watching the Brothers Grimm today, and no... it's not a good movie, but I'd never seen it before and I had been wanting to for quite a while), what I read, everything. I think he means it in jest, just teasing me, but he still does it. And then getting mad when I try and defend myself. BUT... he's right. I'm wrong. And I'm the one that gets yelled at by my parents... because either I ignore him or I try and enlighten him as to what the truth is. But no. I'm wrong. I'm the one getting defensive, angry (I'm apparently ALWAYS angry), and the one who needs, as my mom puts it, "a heart check".


I want to cry... But I don't have any friends to cry with. Maybe I'm wrong on all of these. Just this deluded teenage mind here. I'm just... I'm angry, I'm tired, stressed, and feeling lonely and like a failure.

I need to have more structure... but not be controlled. I need to have a shoulder to cry on... I need to do something right and not get glared at or reprimanded. I need to be alone and not be told I'm being "anti-social". I need the ice cream taken out of the house, and out of my mind. I need a friend. *sigh*


I dunno. Maybe I'm just rambling. My life isn't completely horrible. I know so many people whose lives are so much worse than mine. Most things for me just fall into place... and to be honest... there isn't really anything I'm totally and completely utterly NEEDING. Physically at least. My parents aren't drunkards. They're not abusive. They do try and support me... (but in my mom's case it comes out very controlling) It's just... odd... when I get yelled at for not caring about my life when I get a 80 on a QUIZ, and then get told that a C is average and they'd be proud of that. I dunno... trying to think positive here. My parents are happily married. My Grandparents have been married for 52 years. I have a dog who loves me. I have a ton of books. I have 42 acres I can play around on. I have so much... I do. I just wish it wasn't always shoved in my face as "look at what you have, being sad or stressed shouldn't ever happen".

I guess I need sleep. Or... to ride a horse. I need a long ride on a horse. To groom a horse. To kiss the nose of a horse. To smell a barn, hay, etc. The best therapy in the world. For me at least. But no... can't happen.

My head feels as though it's going to explode. I want to cry... but then I'll get reprimanded at for "overreacting".
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:13 PM   #2
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Have you ever thought about getting counseling with a professional?
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:17 PM   #3
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OH MY...good for you on getting all that out. You are right from the sounds of things you seem blessed in material things. But sweetie the emotional area around you is so volatile. The reason why you are eating and puking the food--you don't really like but eat anyways, is twofold. Yes, you are physically making yourself sick--in an attempt to control something in your life--kind of like a "ok you made me eat it, but YOU CAN'T make me digest it" type statement. For two, stress shuts down your digestive system. Why some people who are so stressed, can't eat. i did the same thing but for different reasons, i never once stuck my finger down my throat it just came back up.

i grew up in a house that was chaotic and at the same time controlling. The controlling part was NOONE could KNOW or see all the **** i was going through. My mom hid it. My dad ignored it. I would deal with it to keep the peace, but I was screaming RAVING MAD on the inside. i hated everyone for ignoring my pain, and brushing it under the rug. I felt unloved, unprotected, and controlled in that aspect.

I didn't grow up with alot of material things, but I grew up in a very emotionally volatile atmosphere. I thankfully had a way out of the chaos at 14. But it landed me in my very loving but controlling perfectionist Aunt's house. The same things you described--the cleaning all day to only get yelled at for a small detail. For me it was cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, but being yelled at for hair in the strainer. At my parent's home it was---me always trying to organize the chaos. There it was I could never do anything right!

So there is the issue: Being controlled, is making you rebel in physically harmful ways--as you have noticed yourself.

you of course are right about your mom's behavior. She is trying to hold onto you in a death grip. There is a better way to react to her behavior. As soon as the "did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, and you need to go for a run" comments come at you.

turn around look at your mom and say. "mom, i appreciate your concern, but you raised me knowing i need to do these things, and now they really have become second nature to me. Because of your parenting, i have the ability to take care of my own hygiene and look after my own physical fitness."

why say something like that. Do you know the regrets people go through when they lose a loved one? They think I should have done this, i could have done this better. Your mom's reaction to your soon departure is believe it or not...one of guilt. she is not coping with your leaving very well, because she is thinking of her shortcomings as a parent, as a last ditch effort she is unloading all of her motherly wisdom on you in a seeming barage of unwanted "controlling behavior". Liken it to inlaws preparing for a wedding. Very annoying, unwanted advice--constant recommendations.

she is preparing herself emotionally for you to leave. Think of the frantic behavior people exhibit as they prepare to leave for a vacation. The checklist is crazy. The house is a fuss. they are scrambling left and right, hoping that everything is in the right place, and MOST OF ALL--that they didn't forget something. (home alone should come to mind here). This is your mom's mindset. This will get worse, unless--i know it seems unfair--you reassure her. That is why i suggested what I did.

I pray you have some peace, and you understand your mom is not emotionally ready to deal with your leaving. It probably has to do with the aspect of being drunkard parents in a way--without you getting too much into that.
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:21 PM   #4
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Man do I empathise with you. I had the same issues with my parents, and I know how it feels to be bouncing between angry and depressed/defeated all the time. And I wish I had a friend who told me this: "Rhythm, you've got the rest of your life to look forward to. The next few years are gonna suck, but the rest of your life is gonna suck even more if you don't pull through it."

My "solution" was to leave home, and move into an apartment with my best friend. I wanted a home that was my own, something more peaceful than what I had. Somewhere I could have my own routine and not be disturbed by others. I thought I could go to school and support myself with a part time job. And in theory that could've all worked out nicely, but it didn't.

Instead, I ended up dropping out of school, got into some really harmful relationships, and ended up selling myself to a "friend" so I could scrounge up enough money to buy alcohol, which was ironically what cost me my job in the first place.

So please, just stick with it and know that the crap you're dealing with now is just temporary. You have a bright future ahead of you, never forget that. You can make the choices YOU want, nothing and nobody can take that away from you. Plot your escape now if it makes you feel better, as I know it did for me, but don't put it into action until you're ready. Some day, you'll be calling all the shots. (;
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:26 PM   #5
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m3rmaid... I don't personally want counseling. Maybe I need it... but my older brother is going to school to be a counselor... and in between his teasing he's always trying to psycho-analyze me... and I don't want that. Not that I think that's how all counselors are. I guess this is kind of like my counseling session. I'm still invisible... no real face to the words. Just words. I can let loose... and maybe it's a good thing... maybe it's a bad thing. I don't know.

jendiet... my life sounds like heaven compared to yours. My mom does like to have a death grip on me (sometimes almost literally, she's always wanting to touch and hug me... and I'm the kind of person where I shrink away at the touch of almost everyone... I don't like people touching me)... but they're not so controlling that I am literally barely able to move. I do have my room I can run away to (my parents have tried and tried to control that part, but I usually end up having it "appear" clean, and have a mess in some part of it), and I was never sent away to a family member's home to get me away from family. I did go to boarding school in 9th grade for schooling purposes (everything was extremely controlling there too though, for good reason I must admit), and I'm now moving in with my grandparents for schooling purposes as well.

*sigh*

I'm just stressed... and am having trouble finding away to release that stress. Horses are a sure-fire way... but I don't quite have that here. My dog... can either add stress or remove it... sleeping... nope. Reading... sometimes... not recently.

I dunno. I am loved... it's just... not really showed in a way I can see it I guess... and again... that could just be the teenager in me.


ETA: Rythm... thanks. I need that. *hugs*

ETAA: as for the throwing up... The only time I put my finger down my throat was four years ago... I had just read a book about a bulimic girl... and was curious about what it felt like. Didn't really work. Even after eating. But recently... almost everything that fills me has been coming up. So... stress is what causes it? But... it hasn't been making me lose any weight... probably because I'm still eating... and sometimes there's not a bathroom available and I force it back inside me... disgusting, and probably TMI... but yeah.
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:41 PM   #6
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I remember times when my mom used to tell me what to do just before I was going to do it. Way to take all the fun and satisfaction out of it, thanks!

My mom was very controlling, too. She died five years ago this month and, now, I can say that my mom was controlling with a kind of bittersweet smile. It was part of her and I loved her, and 30 years after I left home, I can just kind of accept that part of her. Which isn't to say that I don't understand exactly what you're feeling now -- that can be very hard to live with!

I don't think you're stupid at all. And, I'll just throw in here, that you're a terrific writer.

My only advice is to breathe.

And my one attempt to bring some perspective is to repeat what you said -- you're under stress. Anyone who was moving to another country, only to move back to the original one in a month, would be under stress. And, I'll point out that your mom is under stress. She's moving to another country, and then has to watch her daughter leave in a month. So, breathe. You will have an entirely new life in a month. You'll make it through this one month and just think how exciting and different things will be when it's complete!

Hugs! And breathe!
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:42 PM   #7
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Find something positive that you CAN control. Beat your mom to the punch, Like set your clock for real early and get up and be showered, dressed and brushed before she even rolls out of bed. THAT will shock her.
Then ask her to help you plan your menu for the day. Write it down and stick it on the fridge. Write down the times you will eat. Then follow it. If she says anything about what you are eating..... point to the list.
Write down on the list what time you will be going out to walk with your dog. Do this when your mom is helping you plan your menu, say you need to schedule some exercise time.
Then at the bottom of the list, write that everything will be eaten or done within one hour of the time listed. That way, if you get a phone call, or something comes up, she can't bug you about not doing something unless it's past ONE HOUR since you should have started to do it.
You need to learn to start taking some control, because soon, you will have to control everything in your life, if you ask her to help you, she will feel important to you, and needed, but in a way that you have a say in.
Mom's can really go overboard. Sounds like she is looking for something to control too.
You can also do this with your brother, help him feel important, ask him questions and ask him for advice about something. If he feels that you look up to him, he will want to look out for you, not argue with you.

I know this may sound like you are giving in, but really you are finding ways to be in control of how others treat you. The more you stay calm and act like an adult the more they will see that they are treating you as a child. It will be a struggle at first, but stand your ground and keep asking for their help with stuff. DO NOT get into a screaming match or run to your room if they say they do not have time or seem they are not listening to you. Say, "I can see you're not into this right now, what would be a good time for us to talk about my list or my question".

If at any time things start to get out of hand, back away and say, "Looks like we need to take a break from this, I love you and I want to work this out, can we talk in ten minutes"?
By approaching heated situations in a calm and rational manner, they will be forced to look at the way they are acting and will hopefully agree with you.

Sounds like there are changes going on and everyone is stressed BIG TIME. Realize, and I know you do, that each of you is viewing all of this from your own perspectives and trying to deal with it all in your own way.
But sweetie, hurting yourself is NEVER the answer. It really is time to learn to deal with difficult situations and difficult people.
And so many times, if we swallow our pride and be the first to give in just a little, we end up getting so much more in the end.
I tried to send you a private message but I do not know how to do that here or if it is available.
I have 2 kids, and I was once one myself. I have never forgotten how it feels to be in the middle of craziness and not knowing which way to turn. But you have YOU, and you CAN take care of YOU. It's just figuring out the best way to do that. I hope something I have said helps.
Good luck with all of this, things will calm down.
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Old 07-10-2010, 11:53 PM   #8
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Thanks guys. I'm trying to breath. Deeply. Without breathing in a tub of blue bell ice cream at the same time. I'm trying to finish a crochet project, and a book. And work out a good list of foods I'm going to eat and when and all (I've been needing to revamp my calorie counting anyways, counting "as I go" isn't working too well). I don't have a clock in my room, so no alarm. I've been asking for one... but I get the one my mom and dad are using when they leave. For now... I "don't need one". It'll also be interesting trying to plan food (exercise shouldn't be a problem) when our family leaves on Tuesday... but I can plan until then... that should be ok... it should.

I'm trying. I am. To be calm... to be rational. To see this from their side... it just... ends up hurting my head and I end up retreating to my room or to my dog...

Thanks guys. I really do appreciate the advice and comfort. I'm reading through all of it. I don't want to hurt myself... and I'm trying so hard not to. I already have two (month old) scars on my arm that I told my mom were rope burns from during camp, but were really where I had scratched my skin raw because I was overly stressed from being around people ALL the time (I'm a major introvert btw), and then sitting next to a friend who... well... I like most of the time... but there are times (like this time), when I want to hurt something. So... I hurt myself. I was amazed by how the stress seemed to leave... but then I felt horrible about it. And I didn't want to do it again. Ever. And now... I feel the urge... and I'm trying so so hard to resist it. I need to resist. >.<
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Old 07-11-2010, 01:15 AM   #9
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serbrider, i am very worried about your last post. I have been in contact with people who use cutting--or self injury as a method of stress relief. You must understand that is not healthy--although it is producing certain hormones that really do make you feel relief, it is best for you to find a hotline, if not a counselor, somewhere. Remember counselor's have to live by patient confidentiality.

Here are some hotlines. If you have a cell, you will find them particularly useful:

I am not a fan of counseling when you have grown up in situations like these: because it seems so foreign and wierd. When you are conditioned to act like you have no problems. However, hotlines, you can spill your guts out without meeting the person--that is better for an introvert to.

Hotline List:

http://www.selfinjury.com/

Self-Injury Hotline
SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program
www.selfinjury.com
1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

National Adolescent Suicide Hotline
800-621-4000

National Association for Children of Alcoholics
1-888-55-4COAS (1-888-554-2627)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
1-800-448-4663

Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline
Hope & Help for young people who are the relatives & friends of a problem drinker.
1-800-344-2666

Alcohol/Drug Abuse Hotline
1-800-662-HELP
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Old 07-11-2010, 05:02 AM   #10
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I can emphatize very strongly with you, too! Especially the "you are overreacting" part. I was told I was overreacting whenever I cried as a teenager, which left some very deep scars I had to deal with. But you have a rational view of the situation, which shines through clearly, which is a very good thing. Just keep in mind that emotions are running wild for your entire family, and that it will be over soon when you move back to your grandparents. Until then, you have the internet to pour your heart out.

Lots of sensible suggestions have been made already, I have not much to add. Isn't there an alarm function on your mobile? I always use that, haven't owned a normal alarm clock in years...

And on the self-hurting and therapy aspect: I suggest therapy to just about anyone, because it helps everyone, but if you don't feel like you need it now, it won't do any good. Just keep in mind that not every therapist is your brother, and that you are not marked as crazy if you seek out professional help. For me it was simple a relief to have someone to talk to I did not feel guilty with for burdening with my feelings - after all, she was getting paid to listen! The option is always there, remember that.

Congrats on still trying to stick with your efforts to lose weight, btw! So many people (like me) would just put off changing their life until this crisis is over (and the next, and the next), but you are constantly struggling and swimming against the tide. That's great!
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Old 07-11-2010, 07:14 AM   #11
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You have had some great responses and I wanted to thank you for your post. I have a 17 year old girl and you gave me a little insight into where she might be at. She doesn't really talk to me these days, she is either asleep, with her friends or at work (or I am at work). So your post helps me understand and get back in touch with how hard it is to be 17.

Thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serbrider View Post
I'm frustrated and stressed... and just need to vent a bit.... and maybe a bit of advice (I'd rather not have advice like "your mom is right" and "get off your lazy a** and move it", but nicer versions of that won't be turned away).


I'm frustrated at:

myself
my mom
my older brother
my life
my failures
my inadequacies that always have to be brought up


and... I'm stressed. My family is moving back to Serbia (I'll be coming back in four weeks) on Tuesday. And... apparently nothing I'm doing is correct... nor is anything my mom, my brother, my dad, nobody is. And so stress levels for everyone are high. And the fact that when I'm stressed I need to be ALONE makes me into a "anti-social lazy bum", which makes me more stressed, upset, etc.

And... of course... my mom EVERY morning has to ask me "have you brushed your teeth, put on deoderant, showered, etc". And... I'm the kind of person where, if you ask me something like that more than once (and it's sometimes even up to four or five times A DAY), it's my first reaction to do the opposite. Which annoys me because I'm trying to get it done, but it's stressing me out even more when my mom asks me if I've done it and then glares at me no matter how I answer, and then starts telling me that "she's looking out for my best interests" and so on. And yeah... she is... but I'm SEVENTEEN for crying out loud!!! I don't need to be reminded to brush my teeth and make sure I put on deodorant or showered every ten minutes!!!

So... I'm stressed... annoyed... etc.

My mom is also the controlling type... and I'm the type who can't stand to be controlled. Told what to do by bosses and stuff... fine. But when someone has to have a hand in my life and what I'm doing at all times... I get very upset, stressed, and will lash out. I guess I'm a private and independent person. I should have been a wolf. Leave me alone, maybe give me a list of chores or something, and I'll get done whatever needs to be done. I don't want you to hover over me. And that's what my mom is doing.

Yeah yeah... I've heard the whole "she's trying to hold onto what she has left of you since she won't have you with her in four and a half weeks". And sure... that's probably true... but it's been like this for the past six months... and it's DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!!

It's also one of the main reasons that diets have never worked with me in the past. When I was 10, put on my first diet by my parents (Atkins), I would sneak out and buy candy with my own money I earned... because I had to be in control. I would start my own diet plan, then suddenly my mom had to control it, always telling me to do stuff, or glaring at me even if I'm eating something that I had PLANNED to eat, and I would rebel I guess you could say, and end up ruining all my efforts. Yeah... it's really MY fault... but even though I've asked my mom to STAY OUT OF IT, she won't... and now she's glaring at me with ANYTHING I eat... and I'm starting to feel the familiar sense of "run from this... now".

The other day I bought a retractable leash to use when I go running with my dog, since she likes to run off and sniff things (it's OK out here because I run cross-country type thing in the back pasture/wood). I was planning on going for a run today, and I was ten minutes away from going out there when mom comes in. "Kelli, Tasha wants to try out that new leash, it's nice outside, go for a run.", and gives me the whole "if you don't you'll regret it look". I was angry, I was upset. Maybe it's the whole "rebel from mommy" type thing... but as soon as she said that, I didn't want to go on the run. I mean... I did... but it'd mean that she... "won" or something if I did... and that would go against every instinct I had... but that was ridiculous... but I no longer want to go for a run if mom is telling me to... but you're being absurd, you wanted to five minutes ago, just go.

URGH. I've told her to stay out if it... because it messes with my head. My mom is controlling... I can't stand to be controlled. Can it easily be said that we butt heads?


That... and I feel upset and mad because I messed up my own diet. I screwed up. I try and get back on the bandwagon... but the strong desire I had isn't there... and that's making me even more upset.

I'm just tired of messing up and having it rain down on my head by everyone. I got in trouble today because it took me two minutes longer than everyone else to shovel rocks into three buckets. And I was the one with the flat tipped shovel... meaning as soon as it hit a big rock in the ground, I wasn't able to pick up everything. So... I was exerting more effort than everyone else... but I'm the one being lazy? I ask for help on my last bucket because everyone else had finished and were just waiting for me, and I got yelled at, being told that I shouldn't ask for help from someone who did "2-3 buckets for your 1". This was my THIRD bucket.


I am tired. I've been traveling non-stop. I've had to say way too many goodbyes. I'm terrible at keeping up with old friends. I'm kind of tired of making new ones, just to have to say goodbye to them six months later.

I want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to... dare I say it? Hurt myself. I used to scratch myself. I stopped... but this is how I felt it when I did it then... and I keep catching myself trying to scratch my skin raw to where it hurts.

I've had a few "big" meals lately... and ended up in the bathroom ten minutes later puking it all up. Not on purpose for most of it... but because it comes up. If I eat any more than a certain amount... all of it ends up outside of me. I feel guilty, I feel horrible... and I feel as though I'm a complete failure who just can't do anything right. I do have a sensitive stomach, but then that begins to feel like an excuse, and then I get in trouble because I DON'T eat something that is prepared for me... but then I do... and since it's something that my tongue doesn't like, I wolf it down... and again end up in the bathroom puking it all up. It's not healthy, it's not right. But... I'm not TRYING to do it.


I shouldn't feel this way. I'm being silly, I'm being stupid. I'm just an ignorant little girl who is practically brain damaged due to her age and is making up excuses. And yeah... it's probably true. But... I'm tired of being told what I'm doing wrong. Not once have my good skills been praised. It's always like "oh... that's what you do, that's nice", and then that's it. What's the point of trying if you get yelled at for every tiny thing you do wrong. It's like when my parents go out of town for a couple days. I try so hard (spent 3+ hours) to make sure the house looks nice before they get back. And I get yelled at because the mail is on the kitchen table (a mess), and I have two things out in the living room that I was working on ten minutes before they got back. Nope... I'm a slob.

My mom is ALWAYS comparing me and my "organizational skills" to those people on the Hoarders show. Saying to other people "reminds me of Kelli" or to me "you're gonna end up like that" or "sounds like you doesn't it?"


Oh... and my brother came home for the day. He has been working at a Christian camp for the summer... he's a sophomore in college this year... and he hasn't technically been a member of this family since sophomore year of high school, the year he went to boarding school in Germany. (not for anything bad, but for a better education). He is always critisizing me, my interests and hobbies, what I watch (I was watching the Brothers Grimm today, and no... it's not a good movie, but I'd never seen it before and I had been wanting to for quite a while), what I read, everything. I think he means it in jest, just teasing me, but he still does it. And then getting mad when I try and defend myself. BUT... he's right. I'm wrong. And I'm the one that gets yelled at by my parents... because either I ignore him or I try and enlighten him as to what the truth is. But no. I'm wrong. I'm the one getting defensive, angry (I'm apparently ALWAYS angry), and the one who needs, as my mom puts it, "a heart check".


I want to cry... But I don't have any friends to cry with. Maybe I'm wrong on all of these. Just this deluded teenage mind here. I'm just... I'm angry, I'm tired, stressed, and feeling lonely and like a failure.

I need to have more structure... but not be controlled. I need to have a shoulder to cry on... I need to do something right and not get glared at or reprimanded. I need to be alone and not be told I'm being "anti-social". I need the ice cream taken out of the house, and out of my mind. I need a friend. *sigh*


I dunno. Maybe I'm just rambling. My life isn't completely horrible. I know so many people whose lives are so much worse than mine. Most things for me just fall into place... and to be honest... there isn't really anything I'm totally and completely utterly NEEDING. Physically at least. My parents aren't drunkards. They're not abusive. They do try and support me... (but in my mom's case it comes out very controlling) It's just... odd... when I get yelled at for not caring about my life when I get a 80 on a QUIZ, and then get told that a C is average and they'd be proud of that. I dunno... trying to think positive here. My parents are happily married. My Grandparents have been married for 52 years. I have a dog who loves me. I have a ton of books. I have 42 acres I can play around on. I have so much... I do. I just wish it wasn't always shoved in my face as "look at what you have, being sad or stressed shouldn't ever happen".

I guess I need sleep. Or... to ride a horse. I need a long ride on a horse. To groom a horse. To kiss the nose of a horse. To smell a barn, hay, etc. The best therapy in the world. For me at least. But no... can't happen.

My head feels as though it's going to explode. I want to cry... but then I'll get reprimanded at for "overreacting".
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Old 07-11-2010, 09:57 AM   #12
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How are you feeling today hun? I hope you are doing better.
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Old 07-11-2010, 10:40 AM   #13
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I am feeling a bit better. Absolutely exhausted... and ready to get on a plane and go home (Serbia is the place that is most my home... though I really have no home at all). I'm heading to take a nap, or at least read more of The Nanny Diaries.

Chao ladies... and thanks so much for all the advice, concern, etc.

(Oh... and I didn't self-injure... I managed to resist... so far at least)
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Old 07-11-2010, 11:20 AM   #14
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So glad you're doing better this morning, Serbrider. You were the first person I thought of this morning. Sending comforting and calming energies your direction!
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Old 07-11-2010, 11:38 AM   #15
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I just wanted to give you this Your heart felt post brought back a lot of old scars for me as well. By 17 I was out on my own and away from my controlling family. It was a bad situation. You remind me a lot of myself at that age. (29 now) Remember that we are here for you
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