Sorry, but it's not support if people don't feel supported.
It's the exact same thing as your original post. You can take it how you want, but it doesn't necessarily make the person's intentions what you perceive them as.
I'm very sorry you feel this way. No one as far as I can see has invalidated your feelings. In a public forum we're going to almost always get opinions on a subject opposite of our own...especially in a group that's primarily women...just have to take what we want & throw the rest out. I have no idea what anyone would feel bitter about in regard to this subject. I am reading two groups of people, those who feel compliments may be backhanded & those who don't. My experiences with people in my past are probably different than yours that make me unable to wrap my mind around it. This thread has left me feeling quite bummed out with it now stuck in the back of my mind that in times when I'm out & about in society, I will feel held back from spreading genuine sunshine in someone elses day. Not in my nature to be like that & it's very eerie and unsettling to even have to feel like this. It was always programmed into me since a child that there can never be too much good heart & positivity thrown into this world. I'll be calling Mom & Dad later to let them know they were once right, but that times have changed.
Because it seemed to me that you saw what the majority of people were trying to say which was that we have no way of knowing if there was a hidden insult in her compliment, so why not just act as if it was a genuine compliment.
A lot of people did say that they too have the tendency to assume that a compliment is laced with a criticism. We get that.
There was a little side discussion not aimed at you with a bit of back and forth about is it possible to compliment anyone.
There is a difference between genuine support which is what you got here and what I call blowing air.
The support you got here was both understanding and sympathetic about how you felt and also providing a possible solution (change how you choose to perceive compliments, because you sure as heck cant control the other people in the world). In general that is the kind of support you will find at 3FC.
Blowing wind support is what some people desire from a vent. i.e. "That skinny beeyotch just needed to keep her opinions to herself" "I am so sorry that anyone was rude enough to say that to you!" i.e. "You are completely 100% in the right and everyone else is completely 100% in the wrong and no one in the world with half a brain would perceive it any other way" support. I'm not knocking it, there are times in our lives when we need that. I have a friend that is good at that kind of support. In general you will only find that kind of support one one one. It doesnt tend to exist in a group situation and even more rarely in a message board situation. One it is rare to find a person who is really good at giving that type of support without coming off totally snarky and fake (clearly, I am NOT good at it) let alone 30 people. Two, generally that type of support is from someone with a personal relationship with you.
I guess it's kind of like the girls here who dislike it when people say that they have such a pretty face, that they usually hear an unknown addition ("too bad you're so fat") tacked onto it. I honestly didn't know that people felt that way, but I'm glad I do now because the last thing I would want to do is to hurt someone's feelings.
I absolutely felt this way. And the funny thing is, I heard this all the time before I lost weight. I haven't heard it since. I've been complimented on my looks/beauty since then, but that specific comment which people used to drown me with has been totally absent since I lost weight. I can't explain it.
I was the first one to respond to your post OP, and I genuinely get that you took a comment--we'll call it a neutral comment because we can't analyze the sender's "true" intentions--a made it a negative. A whole bunch of people took it a different way, and offered you ways in which to turn the comment into a positive, or to attempt to see it another way. A few agreed with you, and offered the same kind of thinking by sharing how they react(ed) to compliments as well. As far as I can see, if that's not support, you're looking for something else, which I and likely the majority of people here am not going to give you. I'm looking for a serious change in life, and I come here to find others who tell it like it is and understand that though we once lived negatively and harmed ourselves and others, we are trying to undo some of those vicious cycles by being kind to ourselves and others. Weight loss is a serious life change and with it come serious mental changes. If you can't handle a simple debate (and I've seen much more heated ones than yours, and I've only been here a few months), go somewhere else where they'll tell you what you want to hear and "support" you.
This thread gave me some insight into the positive and negative thinking we tell ourselves about our own bodies and the intentions of others. I don't give a damn how my compliment is received, I will give it because I mean it. If the listener has a problem with that, too bad. The same goes for my opinion, on and off this forum.
I was the first one to respond to your post OP, and I genuinely get that you took a comment--we'll call it a neutral comment because we can't analyze the sender's "true" intentions--a made it a negative. A whole bunch of people took it a different way, and offered you ways in which to turn the comment into a positive, or to attempt to see it another way. A few agreed with you, and offered the same kind of thinking by sharing how they react(ed) to compliments as well. As far as I can see, if that's not support, you're looking for something else, which I and likely the majority of people here am not going to give you. I'm looking for a serious change in life, and I come here to find others who tell it like it is and understand that though we once lived negatively and harmed ourselves and others, we are trying to undo some of those vicious cycles by being kind to ourselves and others. Weight loss is a serious life change and with it come serious mental changes. If you can't handle a simple debate (and I've seen much more heated ones than yours, and I've only been here a few months), go somewhere else where they'll tell you what you want to hear and "support" you.
This thread gave me some insight into the positive and negative thinking we tell ourselves about our own bodies and the intentions of others. I don't give a damn how my compliment is received, I will give it because I mean it. If the listener has a problem with that, too bad. The same goes for my opinion, on and off this forum.
Dear OP, I hope you understand that we do value your thoughts but everyone has different opinions and experiences and I think we tried to share them with you. I'm sorry you feel unsupported and hope you reflect on your experience and understand that it can be seen from different angles. Overall, good for you for running and getting out there. I hope even if you felt embarrassed that it won't stop you from running.
