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Old 07-05-2010, 02:26 PM   #1
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Unhappy Fat Comments-by the inlaws

So this is a nice little vent session. I think I just want some and to just get some positive encouragment to counter all the negative things I encounter each day. So here it goes my in-law rant.

I don't even know where to begin with this. It's hurt my feelings for a while and even after the weight I've lost jokes are still being made. I know they are not trying to hurt my feelings, but it is very hurtful.

Growing up my Dad was really hard on me from age twelve on about my weight. He'd call me fat, elephant, chunky, and a slew of other hurtful things, which especially at that time were not true. We've since made our peace with this and though we had some really rough times I am glad to say that we have mended our relationship. That being said family calling me fat or chunky is somewhat a sensitive issue for me.

My in-laws look at weight very differently then my family. They kid or joke about it. If anyone is overweight they affectionaly call them chunky and discuss weight openly. They also call skinnier people in the family "big butt" so it isn't like they are singling out people. So there is that in there defense, but I still have some hurt from things they have said.

Our wedding day I was close to my heaviest around 220 or maybe 225. I had lost some weight for the wedding, but I was still very heavy. I don't think my husband realizes how defeated I felt that day. After the ceremony my mother-in-law went around singing "If you want to be happy the rest of your life marry a fat wife." I also overheard her sister, who is around 450 pounds, ask if I was pregnant. I guess her weight shouldn't matter, but I just thought she would have been more sympathetic towards me. I guess not. The whole thing just broke my heart. It hurt because it made me feel like just because of my weight I wasn't good enough. It just mirrored the pain that I've had growing up. Growing up I never felt good enough; especially when it came to men, and looking back I know my relationship with my Father played a big role in my feeling that way. But here it was again when things between my Father and I were much better.

Then the continal little comments. Like at Christmas one year when I was around 200 or 210 my father-in-law dressed up like Santa for our neices and nephews. It was a lot of fun until he came to the part where he was handing out presents and saying nice cute things about everyone. When it came to my turn he said, "this girl ate all my cookies." It's little and I know especially now I should not let it get under my skin but sometimes it does. Worst is when we go over to their home, they offer us food, and when I've eaten the last and someone else comes over they make a big deal about not having any because I ate it all. Again, maybe its just me being sensitive, because they could easily tease my husband about it, but it just hurts. I just feel singled out sometimes. I also feel like because of my weight sometimes they think I'm lazy. It's like we have a 2 hour commute and I work full time. Don't expect me to come home and cook and clean everyday.

My husband doesn't see the pain and I don't really expect him to. His family handles weight very differently then mine and though they've done really unintentional things that hurt I'm very lucky to have the in-laws that I do. Overall, they are very nice. It's another reason I think I really need to let this all go.

Today I'm going to throw away the present that I was given at the Christmas party. Anything that reminds me, or is symbolic of my past weight I just want to let it go.

I think a lot of this is coming up because we ate hot dogs yesterday and even though I only had one bun at lunch with one hot dog I just feel so blah today. I try to eat really healthy and a low-carb diet and things went ok yesterday but the hot dogs just felt like junk food. I should mention that I am very proud of myself that while everyone else was having oreos and ice cream sandwiches I went swimming. I avoided the sweets, but I didn't make it past the corn on the cob. I had to have one.

I'm just so alone in the weight loss process in my family. No one has been heavy like me. Andy's one sister has been a size 6 for years and I'm stuck watching her scarf down pizza, candy, soda, junk food most family get togethers while I'm trying my best to eat healthy and lose weight and I'm still a size 12-14. UGH!

I love my husband but he's just a healthy guy and gets away with eating choclate chip cookies (my fav) before bed and still looking great. If I eat any carbs he gives me a look like I shouldn't because I tell him all the things I am doing, but it stinks because while he's giving me that look he's able to eat cookies, ice cream, ect. I'm so the lone ranger here.

Oh and the last 4 days, even though I've been ok with carbs, I know I've eaten over my calorie alltoment. So-I'll be happy if I come out of this not having gained.

Did I mention I'm in the middle of moving to a new house and fixing it up and trying to box things while I'm writing this!

If you've finished reading this I think you are amazing!

Seriously I don't know what I would do these days without my friends here!!!

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Old 07-05-2010, 02:32 PM   #2
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Oh gosh, I am so sorry. You shouldn't have to ever be made to feel the way those comments can do. Kudos to you though for not letting it hold you back and for pushing on to your goals. You are doing great and I am darn proud of you
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Old 07-05-2010, 02:39 PM   #3
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Personally, I would make it known that those comments are unappreciated. I'm not saying freak out and holler or act crazy, but how are they going to stop if they don't know that it bothers you as much as it does?
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Old 07-05-2010, 02:46 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by FreeSpirit View Post
Personally, I would make it known that those comments are unappreciated. I'm not saying freak out and holler or act crazy, but how are they going to stop if they don't know that it bothers you as much as it does?

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Old 07-05-2010, 02:55 PM   #5
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I'm sorry you had to hear those kind of negative comments growing up-Having gone through a similar thing with my dad I can really relate.

I would take that as a learning experience, and now politely but firmly explain to your in laws that the comments hurt your feelings. Don't feel like just because they're nice otherwise, you have to put up with the commenting.
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Old 07-05-2010, 03:06 PM   #6
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I am sure they are nice people, but those comments are obviously hurting you. I would agree with the above posters that you need to set some boundries with them about what is acceptable and what is not. You have done an awesome job on your loss and you should be proud of yourself.

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Old 07-05-2010, 03:22 PM   #7
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I don't understand why people think that shaming comments are ever OK. Whenever someone says things like this to me, it sends me right back to when I was a little tiny kid and someone said something deliberately to make me cry. I'm sorry this is how they are being, and I agree--just because they are generally nice people, doesn't make it OK for them to say hurtful comments. I'd let them know that it hurts your feelings. If they're really as nice as you think they are, they will stop.

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Old 07-05-2010, 03:52 PM   #8
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I feel your pain, but in a different sort of way... My in laws are such unhealthy people (and we live with them, not by my choice) and hubby is too because he's grown up eating the stuff they make. I have thyroid issues and have battled with my weight for a long time, made it down to 150ish, then stopped working at it and ended up around 180. I was down quite a bit when I got married and since then ended up at over 200. I ended up having to tell my mother in law to stop cooking for me and had to get my own butt in gear to make healthy meals for myself. But the problem is they just don't understand that I'm trying to get healthy and lose weight. To them, it doesn't matter.. They think if they go for a walk every night, that's all they need to do to stay healthy, even if they come home and eat a crap load of fattening things all day, every day...

My husband has been supportive for the most part, but refuses to join me in my quest to be healthy. And his parents, just don't get it. So I understand the in-law frustration. It took me quite some time to speak up and let them know I didn't want to be involved in their unhealthy ways, but it was hard. I agree with some of the other people who have posted, I think you may need to speak to them about the comments they're making. It may not make a difference, but at least you'll have tried and for me, it was important to make my feelings about it known.
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Old 07-05-2010, 04:06 PM   #9
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Great vent! I read every word.

I probably wouldn't say anything, and work instead with my own feelings and thoughts about myself, aiming to become so self-confident and happy with myself that negative comments just slide off. But I'm not very confrontational!
My goal story: Fifty and feeling fabulous!
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Old 07-05-2010, 05:20 PM   #10
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Blab fest. Sorry in advanced.

I understand your pain, too. I got these negative comments all the time from my mother and sister growing up even when I was only 10-25 lbs bigger than them. In front of a group of people, my mom said, "Don't sit on my lap you weigh more than me!" Ouch. I was probably 14. You win, mom!

Now, much bigger than them, I live back with my mother for financial reasons and still get it from her. She also saw I was losing weight, said nothing, but starting bringing junk food home every day. Sabotage much? When my sister visits, it gets worse. She found out I was exercising (from seeing weights lying around) so I told her that I had lost some weight. She said "Are you upset that we didn't notice?" Ouch. You win, sis!

There are always going to be negative people and comments that hit you over the head with a sledgehammer. It's harder when you expect the comments and still must repeatedly subject yourself to them. My advice is to limit the experience as much as possible by removing the dread beforehand. Ever notice how days that start crappy only get worse? A positive frame of mind can help you deal with an isolated negative experience so it doesn't spiral into Murphy's Law. Also, letting it build up is so unhealthy as evidenced by a lot of childhoods. Vent and release. You are not alone - you have your DH and 3fc.

I have to condition myself not to let my family derail the way I feel about myself. But maybe I also need to work on my self esteem so they can't. I try to equate it to conditioning myself not to give food so much power. I don't really need to eat a cookie and even if I do, so what? Does that change my goals and progress? Heck no. I choose how I react.

Last edited by Caela; 07-05-2010 at 06:09 PM. Reason: i hate typos!
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Old 07-05-2010, 05:33 PM   #11
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I'm sorry you have to deal with comments like this. I would be very hurt by them too. I just don't understand why people think it's funny or cute to make nasty comments about a person's appearance.
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Old 07-05-2010, 05:57 PM   #12
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You are stronger than you think because no matter how it make you feel you are defending your in-laws but you have to make up your mind IS it ok or NOT that they tease you( because so people think you don't mind the teasing it's just teasing to them they don't know your pain) If it not Tell them how it make you feel and I'm sure they will understand and be more careful of the things they say, If you don't tell them what you been through they will never know and If you need some support went you talk to them ask your husband to come for support went you tell them.

One day at a time. I can't lose unless I give up and stop trying, Not this time, I'm going to win!
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Old 07-05-2010, 06:03 PM   #13
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I agree, make it known, you have a lot of sensitivity to stuff like that, and see if that doesn't stop it.

About every body getting away with stuff like that. I have to say this. I am fairly attractive, but i have an issue i have to deal with that many other--not all girls don't. Some women can go without shaving their legs for days and they don't look like a hairy beast, but if i go ONE DAY without shaving you can see the black fuzz on my leg, and it's coarse..and looks like a man's 5 o clock shadow of his beard, and I have to shave my whole leg, not just the bottom half. and if i don't wearing shorts is yucky!

So i used to groan, moan and complain about this and hate being the only girl who had to shave before swimming. or had to shave her thighs for that matter...BUT I've made peace with it and just deal with it! it's my lot in life, it's not susy q's or jane down the lane's, but my lot. And I make do with it.

i noticed when i was in my teens, that my dad could eat whatever he wanted and never gain weight and my mom barely ate and gained weight. i just look at the size 6 family members as having that "lot in life". It's not my lot. I have to work at staying fuzz free and I have to work at being thin and trim. But i know others have issues, that I wouldn't want to deal with either.

that is the best advice I can give you. Know what you are dealing with and DO THE BEST you can to overcome it. Don't worry about what others are dealing with. But do make sure--that you let them know it bothers you. Some people think joking about weight is a good coping skill...you obviously don't cope with your weight in that way.

we all have our battles. Just make sure you are fighting yours with your best of ability.
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12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:
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Old 07-05-2010, 06:05 PM   #14
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So sorry that you have had to endure comments like this. I would have to say something to them about how hurtful that is.
Wouldn't you love to show them a thing or two? You can lose this weight FOR YOURSELF and I bet they would shut the #### up. Good luck in your goals. We will be here to cheer you on!

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Old 07-05-2010, 08:26 PM   #15
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Here is a BIG HUG. Lots of people think they can be more free to speak with their families and the stuff that comes out of their gob is dumb. Explaining it literally to them - that you've worked hard to lose weight, that your background and family has handled this so differently - makes you sensitive to these jokes, and if they could please not make them about you. And they you understand they don't mean to really hurt your feelings.

Families are so weird. The things my inlaws say/do/make fun of each others fatness irritates me like mad.

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