So this is a nice little vent session. I think I just want some
and to just get some positive encouragment to counter all the negative things I encounter each day. So here it goes my in-law rant.
I don't even know where to begin with this. It's hurt my feelings for a while and even after the weight I've lost jokes are still being made. I know they are not trying to hurt my feelings, but it is very hurtful.
Growing up my Dad was really hard on me from age twelve on about my weight. He'd call me fat, elephant, chunky, and a slew of other hurtful things, which especially at that time were not true. We've since made our peace with this and though we had some really rough times I am glad to say that we have mended our relationship. That being said family calling me fat or chunky is somewhat a sensitive issue for me.
My in-laws look at weight very differently then my family. They kid or joke about it. If anyone is overweight they affectionaly call them chunky and discuss weight openly. They also call skinnier people in the family "big butt" so it isn't like they are singling out people. So there is that in there defense, but I still have some hurt from things they have said.
Our wedding day I was close to my heaviest around 220 or maybe 225. I had lost some weight for the wedding, but I was still very heavy. I don't think my husband realizes how defeated I felt that day. After the ceremony my mother-in-law went around singing "If you want to be happy the rest of your life marry a fat wife."
I also overheard her sister, who is around 450 pounds, ask if I was pregnant. I guess her weight shouldn't matter, but I just thought she would have been more sympathetic towards me. I guess not. The whole thing just broke my heart. It hurt because it made me feel like just because of my weight I wasn't good enough. It just mirrored the pain that I've had growing up. Growing up I never felt good enough; especially when it came to men, and looking back I know my relationship with my Father played a big role in my feeling that way. But here it was again when things between my Father and I were much better.
Then the continal little comments. Like at Christmas one year when I was around 200 or 210 my father-in-law dressed up like Santa for our neices and nephews. It was a lot of fun until he came to the part where he was handing out presents and saying nice cute things about everyone. When it came to my turn he said, "this girl ate all my cookies." It's little and I know especially now I should not let it get under my skin but sometimes it does. Worst is when we go over to their home, they offer us food, and when I've eaten the last and someone else comes over they make a big deal about not having any because I ate it all. Again, maybe its just me being sensitive, because they could easily tease my husband about it, but it just hurts. I just feel singled out sometimes. I also feel like because of my weight sometimes they think I'm lazy. It's like we have a 2 hour commute and I work full time. Don't expect me to come home and cook and clean everyday.
My husband doesn't see the pain and I don't really expect him to. His family handles weight very differently then mine and though they've done really unintentional things that hurt I'm very lucky to have the in-laws that I do. Overall, they are very nice. It's another reason I think I really need to let this all go.
Today I'm going to throw away the present that I was given at the Christmas party. Anything that reminds me, or is symbolic of my past weight I just want to let it go.
I think a lot of this is coming up because we ate hot dogs yesterday and even though I only had one bun at lunch with one hot dog I just feel so blah today. I try to eat really healthy and a low-carb diet and things went ok yesterday but the hot dogs just felt like junk food. I should mention that I am very proud of myself that while everyone else was having oreos and ice cream sandwiches I went swimming. I avoided the sweets, but I didn't make it past the corn on the cob. I had to have one.
I'm just so alone in the weight loss process in my family. No one has been heavy like me. Andy's one sister has been a size 6 for years and I'm stuck watching her scarf down pizza, candy, soda, junk food most family get togethers while I'm trying my best to eat healthy and lose weight and I'm still a size 12-14. UGH!
I love my husband but he's just a healthy guy and gets away with eating choclate chip cookies (my fav) before bed and still looking great. If I eat any carbs he gives me a look like I shouldn't because I tell him all the things I am doing, but it stinks because while he's giving me that look he's able to eat cookies, ice cream, ect. I'm so the lone ranger here.
Oh and the last 4 days, even though I've been ok with carbs, I know I've eaten over my calorie alltoment. So-I'll be happy if I come out of this not having gained.
Did I mention I'm in the middle of moving to a new house and fixing it up and trying to box things while I'm writing this!
If you've finished reading this I think you are amazing!
Seriously I don't know what I would do these days without my friends here!!!