Ok... this is just something I've been thinking about the past few weeks. Though maybe it's just one of those things where I think too much about it and wig myself out... like airplanes and eggs.
I feel almost as though I'm afraid to lose weight. I want to get past the 200 point (did go up four pounds during my week at camp, am down a pound since then, but I'm at 211.4, meaning I have a little over 10 lbs to lose to get past the 200 point).
I just started... so maybe that's why? I dunno. I'm excited, I want to lose weight... but... maybe it's because it seems so far off... so unattainable?
I've never been thin. Never. I wasn't huge as a child, but nor was I the skinny person. I don't know what it's like to NOT have my thighs be touching, to NOT have cellulite all over them, to NOT have my stomach. I find myself in the bath tub being absolutely disgusted by it... but at the same time... I can't see myself without it. And when I try... it... well... scares me.
Maybe I should just stop thinking about it. I feel as though these thoughts, while they haven't made me eat more or go off my plan (I've been doing about an hour's worth of exercise a day, eating around 1500-1700 calories daily, it's hard when all my grandma cooks are high carb high calorie foods like breads, pasta, etc, and won't go get fruit other than apples (BLECH) and bananas), just haven't exactly made me WANT to stay on plan.
Is this normal? I'm not even that far into my weight loss journey... but... this has been something I've felt for a LONG time... even when I was at the 180 lb point three years ago.
I dunno... maybe it's a fear of something else? But... it's like the whole feeling of "this is who I am... who will I be once it's gone" or... something. I don't really know. All I do know is that it scares me... and I don't like it (being scared, or not being scared... really don't know what yet).