thanks duckchick, today was a little better. that's cool that you're considering going to school and pursuing your dreams. maybe you could go part time and then still have the freedom to do other things and have down time. i know what you mean, it is a process, figuring out what's important to us, and then figuring out how to do that, especially in the face of fears. but as they say, it's the things we don't do that we regret, even if trying them would have meant overcoming obstacles or even dealing some failures along the way.
i stayed on plan for nutrition and exercise today. i was still feeling the effects of the anxiety from yesterday so i worked out twice again to try to get rid of that.
i hope everyone is discovering strength and resilience that maybe they didn't know they had.
i stayed on plan for nutrition and exercise today. and today i am 30% towards goal, out of the 170s, now just overweight, and out of the xl's and into the l's, all of which allowed me to make my second post in the mini-goal section, which was really a nice feeling. i've been dealing with a lot of stress lately, and hitting these milestones was a welcome reminder that the hard work is meaningful to me. and there's still a lot of work to be done, so i am staying on track as best i can.
this morning i wanted to quit. i went through hours thinking i just wasn't going to do it anymore, that it wasn't worth it.
later today i made the mistake of not bringing any snacks with me, and underestimated the amount of time i'd be out. by the time i was headed home, and needing to stop at the grocery, i was really hungry. as i shopped, my mind was imagining just eating all of the sugary junky things i saw, and just forgetting everything and going back to the way things were. there was this cake that i really wanted to get. usually one of the ways i talk myself out of a binge is to remind myself that whatever it is that i think i want will be there tomorrow. this is easier to do with things that will actually be there tomorrow. i have a harder time doing this when the thing is something special or from a special place or won't always be there. this cake was special and wasn't going to be there again (*gasp* lol). i walked by it. then i started telling myself that i could buy it and freeze it and eat it later when my binge issues were under control and i could eat it normally. i actually turned around and thought about going back for the cake. but i knew if i did i would not freeze it, i would eat it, and that would be the end of that. or i would freeze it and it would drive me crazy until i took it out and ate it. and that would be the end of that.
and then i thought about how incredibly difficult this has been, gut-wrechingly difficult mentally and physically and emotionally, and about how hard i have been working. and i knew i just didn't want to throw that away, because if i do i may never start again. and i don't want to think about where i would be and how i would be feeling if that happened. so i left without the cake. i stayed on plan today for nutrition and exercise.
I’ve been thinking about some of the progress I’ve made since starting, to try to figure out where I am and where I need to go. I went from eating thousands of calories a day in sugar and junk with little or no nutritious value, to eating 1200-1400 calories (depending on hunger and intensity of workouts) a day in nutritious foods. I went from eating processed foods full of chemicals to focusing on whole foods and trying to find organic options when I can.
I went from little or no exercise, to exercising most days, and from very little activity throughout the day to moving more just doing basic things.
I became active on this site community, and have tried to get involved, and welcomed new people, congratulated people when they achieve a goal or mini-goal, offered people support and compassion, offered thoughts and perspectives to discussions, and posted regularly on accountability. And I really appreciate the support I’ve gotten here, too, it means a lot to me.
I still have days when I don’t want to do anything, when I want to quit, when I feel like I am not making progress, when I feel like it is not worth it, when I feel like I won’t get where I am going. But I try to move forward despite these things, because my health depends on it, and because ultimately I really want to.
As of now my breathing has improved, I am moving around better, my sleeping has improved, and I am feeling lighter, in more ways than one.
I have not binged once the entire month. I really don’t even remember the last time I was binge-free, so this is an important thing for me.
I still have thoughts of sugar and binges, and this will probably be the case for a long time. But for now I am grateful to have finally experienced some time away from the actual sugar and actual binges.
I think this is a good beginning. And I am going easy on myself for things that I had set out to do but haven’t done yet. I trust that I will get there. I stayed on plan today for nutrition and exercise.
And now, onward to the work of continuing to move towards improved health.
Oh wow, sounds like it's been difficult, Skygirl! I'm so sorry you've had to fight so hard. But I think you're winning. The feeling lighter and breathing easier and other little things, those are the small rewards. And they feel good, I'm sure! The rest are coming! The BIG rewards. You'll see!
In my own case, I've been concentrating on eating whole foods also, and also on eating a tad more raw. That hasn't been easy, I assure you! And I've only eaten a few things raw, mostly fruit, lol! But I've been reading up on the pros and cons of raw life (and there are cons), and I think it would behoove me to incorporate a bit more raw into my life.
Weird thing happened on Saturday: It was my mom's birthday, and I had planned on taking her to her favorite mexican restaurant. I was full of justifications to myself, but after much debate she insisted on just getting some cheap take out, as she didn't want to spend the money it would have cost to go there, but she didn't want to cook, either. Well, I got a tamale platter, and when it arrived I took a bite and...well, I tasted a difference immediately. I mean a difference in what that was and what I've been trying to eat these last few weeks. I've always loved tamales, but I could taste the fat and starch as well as the spices. I was quite taken aback by that, and the rice and beans came at me the same way. The amount of fat and salt in the refried beans was eye opening!
Unfortunately, I also proved to myself that, if it's right in front of me, I'll eat it.
I tried moving around and taking a long walk after dinner, and drinking lots of water. I hadn't realized that I'd gotten used to the food moving right through my system until I felt that dinner just sitting like a lump in my gut! I'm a night owl, and I spent the rest of that night nibbling crackers and hummus as a snack, and drinking lots of water. But I also got a bit sad because I LOVE mexican food! Still, I have to do what's best for my body until I get my weight under control.
Anyway, I talk too much! That was an interesting experience for me!
Thanks Duckchick, I really appreciate the encouragment! It sounds like you are doing great with adding healthy foods, walking, and water. It's interesting isn't it, once you start to get used to eating a different kinds of foods and then go back to places you used to eat and you can taste the excess grease and sodium and things like that. It can be hard to resist temptation when it's sitting right in front of you though.
I really like Mexican food as well. Have you tried making a healthier version of the same foods? Like you could use whole grain/sprouted grain tortillas, grilled chicken, whatever grilled veggies like onions or peppers, pico/salsa with no sugar and low sodium, and avacado slices or make your own guac with a little lemon juice and just a pinch of salt, and low/non-fat greek yougurt as a sour cream subsitute. That way it's still healthy, but also still completely delish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by duckchick
And I've only eaten a few things raw, mostly fruit, lol!
Lol, this made me laugh.
I stayed on plan for nutrition and exercise today, but it was looking dicey on the exercise for a while there. It took a several hours long debate with myself to finally get on the treadmill. Sad but true. Anyway, I felt much better once it was done.
Thanks! Here's one for you, too. We can all use a little cheering on this journey.
I was on plan for exercise today but for nutrition I had a planned-for-off-plan day by eating more calories than usual. There have been days when I have just not been as hungry and on those days I think sometimes I may have been at the low end of my calorie range, or even fallen a bit below. But since I wasn't hungry, I just listened to that. Today I was hungrier, so I listened to that. I've upped my treadmill workouts and added weights, so I thought it might be connected to that, that maybe I just neeed extra fuel or something. I ate some extra calories, and at first felt a little better, like maybe I had been hungrier and needed it. But then soon I felt uncomfortable, almost like maybe I hadn't needed it and my body didn't want it. I'm not sure what to make of that, but this is a learning experience, so I guess maybe I'll figure it out at some point.
I also just wanted to put out a quick reminder that anyone is welcome to post here. I see lots of peple mentioning that they want to find a place for accountability, so if anyone ever reads this and would like to jump in, please always feel welcome. If not, that's ok too, I just like to put the invitation out there every so often.
I weighed myself today, and I'm at 275.8!!! 2 weeks ago I was at 284!! OMG, I didn't think it was possible!!!
I know a lot of it is water, but I'm still excited!
I was on plan for food, though I varied the routine a bit. When I had my breakfast shake, I also had a small plate of pasta and chicken breast with a little cream sauce, just to give me something tangible to eat. I hope this will take care of the hunger pangs I was feeling the last couple of days. I'm below my calorie count, so I think everything's cool!
I weighed myself today, and I'm at 275.8!!! 2 weeks ago I was at 284!! OMG, I didn't think it was possible!!!
Congrats Duckchick! That's terrific! Whoo-hoo!
I was on plan today. I had another planned-for-off-plan addition of some extra calories just in case the hunger was trying to tell me something, but like yesterday, my body did not repsond well to it, so I now consider that question asked and answered. I still don't know what the hunger was about, but I listened to it and learned that it wasn't a call for more calories in this case. Maybe in the future it will be, but for now it's not. I also had a planned-for day of rest with the exercise. I worked out twice yesterday, because I knew my schedule would not allow for it today, and I will also be working out twice tomorrow. There were a few moments I questioned these decisions, but then I just decided I was going to enjoy it for what it was/is, a planned day of rest. It was nice. Tomorrow, back at it.
Ooo, glad you have answers now. I wonder if maybe it's just some small feeling you have to push through? Here's hoping!
Today I made chili dogs for dinner for my little sister, and I wanted one SO bad! Chili dogs are like crack. You have one, then another and another and....that's how it is for me! I started thinking that having just one would be ok (and I still think it would have been) but then wondered if I shouldn't just preempt the urge. As in, eat something else healthier, instead. So I took out some red pepper hummus I made this morning, spread it on a romaine lettuce leaf, and then added some plain tuna and a sprinkling of cheese. Voila! Instant wrap! And it was DELICIOUS! Much better than the chili dog, really. It's now my new favorite snack!
Duckchick, resisting a favorite food like that when it's right in front of you is a big deal. Congrats on that victory! Your hummus wrap sounds totally healthy and delish. And great new siggy! Can I just say that you are kicking some major butt! You go!!
I'm ending up with a really really busy week, and not as much time for all the things that I need to do and would like to do, including not as much computer time. Hopefully things will calm down soon. On plan today, and going with the flow.
Hey, maybe that's a good thing! Being busy means no time to stress about the diet. Go with the flow, ma'am!
And thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement! I'm SO glad my weekend starts when I get out of here at 6am!! Now looking forward to Sunday, and my little sister's b-day bash/baby shower. Tempting treats on the menu, but I now have healthy food weapons in my arsenal! I will be victorious!
Today I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I am doing this. Remembering what it was that I wanted. And remembering that time is going by. I need to relax, remember, and refocus. It's important for me to keep in mind the why so that I don't just get lost in the doing. For me the why is key to this health and wellness lifestyle. This weekend I want to spend some time working on this and get the wind back in my sails.
I think making some progress has brought up some self-sabotage inclinations and fears, and that is causing struggles. There's the physical part of unhealthy eating, sugar, junk, binges. And then there's the emotional part. For the sake of simplicity, for me the physical part has to do with the science of addiction, and the emotional part has to do with some kind of self-punishment or feeling like it's not ok to have what you want. In that sense, it could be anything getting in the way for any given person. For me it just happens to be food.
So I'm pressing the reset button on the binge timeline. On the positive side, I've been reminded that after a month plus with no sugar, junk, or binges, having those things again was gross, and I spit a lot of it out and couldn't eat a lot of it. After a month plus of all healthy natural whole foods, this stuff was like a chemical nightmare that triggered my gag relfex. And yet, I did it. There are lots of different reasons I can think of that I did it. I think I wanted to test whether I'd be able to do it and then stop, to discover something new about myself, that it didn't have the same pull over me, and that I'd gained some kind of control over it. I think my fear was more that if I did it, I wouldn't be able to stop afterward, and that was giving the doing of it too much charge. And I think I wanted to release the tension of something, and prove to myself that I didn't like it anymore. And that was true. I didn't like it any more. It didn't taste good. It didn't feel good. My body rejected it. Statistically speaking it was likely to happen, and I knew that. That's the nature of addiction. But the bottom line is that I failed. And now it's over. And now the true tests begins. Accountability. Responsibilty. Getting back on track. And I'm ready to do that. And that, is the nature of recovery.
