Hey there chickies!
So Iím having some problems right now both mental and physical (doesn't that sound dramatic). Last Tuesday I had a small procedure done on my lower back to help get rid of a recurring problem that I was having (just to be as vague as possible not to gross anyone out) and because of it I havenít been able to exercise. At all. I mean I can walk around the house and stuff but definitely nothing like Iím use to. Anyways this also means that I have had to rely completely on what I eat alone. I cut down to 1,200 a day and, to be honest, I havenít even been hitting 1,200. Not even close. And to be honest there have been days where Iíve intentionally dipped below 1,000, some days were not intentional. Iím completely scared about gaining and that what Iím eating isnít really X calories.
To tackle the first thing I said, scared of gaining, I have two reasons. Right before I had the back-thing done my mom called the drs to give them some info before hand and she said my weight was 250. Sure she didnít mean anything bad, she was really just guessing, but I felt SO horrible after hearing that. Iíve worked hard to be this far away from 250 but I still look it? I mean Iím short but damn I didnít think I looked Ďthat bigí I mean it just really felt like a slap in the face when she said that even though she didnít mean any harm. This made me want to work harder. Secondly I have two big Ďreunionsí coming up. Iím due to see my friend who I havenít seen in nearly a year in a couple of weeks. I mean sheís never cared about my weight or anything but Iím nervous to see her! I want her to notice but at the same time I donít. She has a very large family and her mom is a very good cook but the thing is its Ďregular foodí. Its home cooked like traditional home cooked no calorie content available food. I donít want to like insult them by not eating, so Iíll eat, but intuitive eating has NOT worked out for me at all. I plan to take really small portions until I feel full enough but Iím worried the old-me will take over.
The second Ďbig thingí is Iím seeing my dad for the first time in like four or five years. My mom and dad are divorced and heís allll the way in New York so I never see him but this summer heís really been pushing for me to go down. The thing is, the last time I went down both him and my step-mom mentioned my weight and how I should try to lose weight. Theyíve never seen me at high weight so I donít think theyíll know Iíve been losing and Iím worried theyíll bring it up again. My step mom had WLS, actually, a few weeks before the last time I saw my dad and I just feel so pressured to lose as much as I can before I see them. I mean that sounds so wrong I know but I donít want them commenting on my weight, that shizznizzle just hurts. Also my family down there is very Ďtraditional hispanicí with all the rice and beans and all that stuff. Iím cool with some brown rice but the food they make down there is very non-plan friendly (at least the way Iíve seen them make it!). I might talk to my dad about this the next time I call him but Iím really afraid to tell him because I donít want him to have his expectations of what I look like to be too high, I think (I really donít know because I never weighed myself much before I started this journey) Iím bigger than I was when I last saw him so, this all worries me.
Iím also quite paranoid about raising my calories. I know that once I can exercise to my fullest again itís a necessity because exercise does make me a little hungry but for now I just canít bring myself to do it. Iím so paranoid about what Iím eating. Iím staying with my grandparents because my mom wasnít going to be able to help me if I needed help after the back-thing and my grandma has been trying to give me more food. I know I should eat more but there have been days where I have genuinely not been all that hungry, like I said. One morning she came in with a tray that had a big bowl of shredded wheat drowning in milk and a piece of toast slathered in butter. She told me to eat it all in her angry grandma voice and left and I ate the cereal and guesstimated its damage to my calories but I had to hide the toast from her. That sucker had like 300 calories worth of butter on it and thatís a major dent to my day. I feel bad because I know that this is not healthy, says my rational side, but my crazy side is telling me that Iím going to gain if I go up. I really really do not want to gain. I have made a promise to myself to go back to school under 200 pounds and I want to keep that promise but it seems like there are a lot more obstacles this summer than I thought there would be.
I need some advice, support, and hugs. I need some nice warm hugs bad, yo.