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Weight loss success, love life failure

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Old 06-08-2010, 08:20 PM   #1
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Unhappy Weight loss success, love life failure

The last few weeks in particular have been really successful for my weight loss. The biggest factor has been the constant bike-riding in reaction to the Gulf oil "spill" (that word barely covers it, it's not like someone dropped a glass of oil). I recently put on a pair of size 6 skinny jeans and they looked OK!
On the flip side, this improved body/body image has not resulted in improved dating success. I've been on several 1st dates and one 2nd date and I feel like men are less interested in me than ever, given the lukewarm interactions following these initial dates. The disappointment is really getting to me. I "knew" before this that being thinner does not equal being happier but I always thought that for me, any amount of weight loss would of course improve my life. So sadly, I am feeling lower than ever about myself. Has anyone else been through this?
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Old 06-08-2010, 08:44 PM   #2
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I havent felt this way yet but ive always worried about it. Just stay positive and focus on self esteem builders.
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Old 06-08-2010, 10:28 PM   #3
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I haven't really been through this but I have heard people say that you cannot expect anyone to love you if you cannot love yourself. You have to be able to work on what is going on the inside before being happy on the outside. Do you have anything is holding you back? Sabotaging the dates?

Again, I haven't dealt with this on the dating side, just other relationships. I wasn't a happy individual for a very long time. I had to deal with the issues before I could begin to focus on myself and realize that I am good enough.

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Old 06-09-2010, 08:41 AM   #4
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I've been having an odd experience with on line dating. Initially I only had an old picture to use as profile picture. When I updated to a picture that was approximately 70 lbs lighter, I started to get less "winks". I switched the picture back for a few weeks (to see if it was just a coincidence), and the winks started again.

I've changed back to the more current picture and will leave that one until I have new goal picture taken but this was not at all what I expected.

However this has helped me not to beat myself up about "lack of confidence" or my personality rejecting dates as all other factors on my profile remained the same. I now know it truly is about "the look" even if not the look I expected.
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Old 06-09-2010, 09:42 AM   #5
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Well irstly, good or you or not eating crap because you may feel like crap! Then you'd feel 10x worse!

It's dating. It's like shopping - and it's hard to find someone we really have chemistry with. I mean, did you honestly really like any of them? Keep going on lots of first dates, meet lots o different kinds o people, and don't hesitate to ask a few yourself out to coffee. People talk about dating like it's sales buisness, that it takes many tries. The right person would be so worth it!
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Old 06-09-2010, 10:02 AM   #6
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I've definitely "dated around" more over the past year or so and it's been an experience. I remember in high school, I would go on one date or have one conversation with a guy and two days later, he was my boyfriend. I guess I expected that to continue into adulthood...but it doesn't and that's probably a good thing. We're all allowed to be discriminating...you too! Did you like any of the guys that much? I had (and have, sometimes) a bad habit of gobbling up attention from any man I got and reciprocating his advances...without really asking myself, do I LIKE this guy? Or am I just looking for attention? If I was honest...most of the time I didn't like them that much. And keeping this in mind, it kind of makes it easier to deal with when a guy just doesn't like ME that much. It doesn't mean there is a thing wrong with you...just that it isn't there. Shake hands, part friends, move on to the next!

Dating can be a lot of fun if you don't take it too seriously or let your feelings get hurt. I look at it this way...even if it doesn't work out, I usually come out of it with another funny story to tell...first dates are so weird lol.
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Old 06-09-2010, 03:39 PM   #7
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Thanks for all of the lovely advice and support, ladies. 3FC to the rescue as usual. Do you think if we banded together and took over the world, it would be a better place?

Kendra - great comment, maybe there are ways in which I am sabotaging this myself. Some self-examination is in order for sure.

caryesings - online dating is a trippy experience, isn't it? And that's part of what surprised me about weight loss - I was more "popular" by far when I was heavier by about 10 lbs in my picture (and also of course when they met me in person). Maybe just a fluke thing, but not what I was expecting.

Thicknpretty - your post made me really think. First of all, were we that much less picky in high school? Or did we already have so much in common with the boys we "liked" that dating was inevitable?
And re how much I liked the guys I met recently: actually, I don't know - it takes a few dates for me to decide and I guess I was just disappointed that I didn't have the chance to get to know some of them better. And how much of this is about seeking approval and attention from men as a form of affirmation? That strikes a chord with me.
As far as funny dating stories go, I has them. One of my recent first dates came STRAIGHT FROM BIKRAM YOGA. Yep, dripping with stinky sweat. He made to hug me at the end and I ran for it!

I think I need to re-evaluate my expectations about my changing body appearance. My real issue may be the underlying fear of getting older and having no partner and no family of my own. I just turned 35, and to my surprise this is really starting to bug me, to the point I feel tiny panic attacks sometimes. I'm a successful professional woman with hordes of wonderful pets and friends to support me. Why is that not enough? I think I'm realizing now that to expect weight loss to solve all my problems is just setting myself up for disappointment.
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Old 06-09-2010, 04:14 PM   #8
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JZJ - I really feel for you and am in the same boat. It's not you. Dating is extremely difficult, especially online dating. Everybody I talk to has problems with it.

I did online dating a year ago and had a ton of dates, but no person I liked wanted to be with me. I felt demoralized and gave up. Now, that I am 25 pounds lighter, I realize nothing has changed. The online world is a strange place and it is rare for people to couple up. People will date a bunch of different people looking for "the one" and are extremely picky.

For me, I am in a different place than a lot of people. Frankly, I am thrilled with my life as a single woman. I don't mind not being in a relationship. All I'm looking to do is make friends and do fun things and if it develops into something more, that's great.

If dating for isn't fun, consider stopping and spend the summer doing something else. Seriously, life is short. We can't waste our time doing things we don't like to do. For example, I postponed a date for a week because I wanted to go dancing in NYC instead. I would rather dance with my friends then have awkward conversation with a stranger. I try not to let my dates interfere with the real fun in my life.

I must sound pessimistic about finding love. For me personally, I am. I'm 40 and there aren't a lot of options out there. I've decided that I'd rather be single and happy than settle and be miserable.
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Old 06-09-2010, 06:07 PM   #9
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Don't feel so down, motivated chickie. My aunt just divorced her husband and is now back on the market. She's 42, and she's had more dates than I can count. Your time will come, don't worry. As my wise old dad (who could be your older brother, age wise ) always says, "Every pot has a cover". My little addition is that it sometimes takes some rummaging and trying on different covers until you find the right fit!
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Old 06-10-2010, 10:36 AM   #10
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Thanks Elana.

I went on a ton of dates in the past year and a half. But I didn't meet anyone that I liked or liked me. After awhile, it felt like a job interview. Dating shouldn't be drudgery so I quit for several months.

To be honest, being in a relationship isn't a priority anymore. And I've realized that I value my independence and happiness too much to settle for someone I'm not into.

I have a couple dates next week with some interesting people. Who knows? I am trying to date, but I'd rather go out dancing with my friends.

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Old 06-10-2010, 03:51 PM   #11
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online dating is really random. don't let guys define how u should feel about yourself. just remember how amazing you are and treat yourself right. remember that some of the most beautiful women in the world (especially hollywood) have a hard time finding and keeping a good man.
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