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Working through angers and disgust

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Old 05-30-2010, 10:44 PM   #1
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Often enough I feel very angry and disgusted either with myself or towards the foods that I just loved to get fat on.

Sometimes in the grocery store...when I pass the bakery where I used to get my fave comfort junk....I've caught myself giving it dirty looks and wanting to whoop the tar out of it. I am really upset with junk food and unhealthy stuff...and I mean really mad! Even more upset with myself because of my poor decisions & all of the excuses & coddling I did to myself because I felt I deserved it all because I was sick. Tons of people get ill and do not gain the absurd amount I did. I basically forgive myself I suppose, I'm human...I make mistakes & I'll make many more in my life....but trying to shake these feelings of disgust is really posing as a major challenge.

Is there anyone else out there that feels any sort of underlying resentments or angers (etc) in themselves or toward unhealthy food now that they're losing weight .....or am I some sort of Martian hanging out here in the wings???

My son says I should go and buy a box of Twinkies, take a bat and beat them to oblivion. Ha...what a funny guy!!!

(Wait. Ya think??? Would that help?? Has anyone done that???)
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:01 PM   #2
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LOL I have never did an assault and battery on a box of Twinkies..probably because I adore them (even though I haven't had one in almost 2 years ) but hey, it couldn't hurt any, right?
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:03 PM   #3
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Miss Kelly your doing great I hope you have better luck tomorrow . Don't beat yourself up to much. Your will power is getting the weight off , so keep up the good work.
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:26 PM   #4
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An "assault & battery" on Twinkies, when you put it like that, Onederchic, lolol.....makes me crack up! Okay, maybe beating up a box of Twinkies is not exactly sane or feminine......or the resolution.

Thanks, Jumphigh....so basically...this feeling of resentment I feel might actually be my fuel & go-gettum in my losing perhaps? I think I've given advice to others about using whatever emotions as fuel....not recognizing what I might be actually using as fuel myself.

I'm starting to feel a whole bunch of different emotions while losing.....even starting to feel like I haven't lost any when I look at myself or when I look at progress pics...I feel like its not me I'm looking at.

I guess I wasn't prepared at all for any emotional or mental stuff that comes with this. I feel so caught off guard with so many things Ive never felt before or suspected would ever surface.....
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Old 05-31-2010, 12:14 AM   #5
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I've squished crap baked goods in the stores when no one is looking. Haha....it is fun sometimes.
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:19 AM   #6
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Squishing stuff in the store only hurts the store owner who has to take the loss. And then has to mark up all his food a bit to cover losses like that. My healthy food is expensive enough without having to help pay for funeral expenses for junk food killed in drive-by-squishing. Please purchase your junk food *before* you take revenge on it. My broccoli addiction thanks you.

Meanwhile... I kinda like the idea of assault and battery on the twinkies. It's a good way to work through your anger at the whole system of junk food production that got you where you were 50 pounds ago. I think dramatic things like that can be a good way of putting things behind you and moving on unencumbered. Every now and then I take a big sniff of some ex-beloved junk food (recently cheeze doodles and reeces peices - my co-workers are so understanding when I borrow their bag of junk just to *smell* it) just to remind myself I'm no longer tempted.
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:10 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vladadog View Post
Squishing stuff in the store only hurts the store owner who has to take the loss. And then has to mark up all his food a bit to cover losses like that. My healthy food is expensive enough without having to help pay for funeral expenses for junk food killed in drive-by-squishing. Please purchase your junk food *before* you take revenge on it. My broccoli addiction thanks you.
In my defence, I have not squished anything in over a year and I don't want to have the producers of that crap think more people want it by purchasing it.

Mmmmmm....broccoli.
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:04 AM   #8
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Even more upset with myself because of my poor decisions & all of the excuses & coddling I did to myself because I felt I deserved it all because I was sick. Tons of people get ill and do not gain the absurd amount I did. I basically forgive myself I suppose, I'm human...
Regret is a very strong emotion. It can cause all kinds of chaos in a persons mental well being. My only advice it to be move forward and not back. Forgiving yourself is one thing, that's great if you can. I personally haven't been able to. I think that is what keeps me going sometimes. I know I f'd-up really, really bad, for way too long. Just knowing that I have the power to never go back there keeps me going forward. It's a good feeling to know that I'm able to make better choices and live clean.

Smash a box of Twinkies if that will make you feel better, but you probably could use the money, time and energy better on washing and slicing a nice pile of veggies to roast.

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Old 05-31-2010, 11:39 AM   #9
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Channel that anger into motivation to lose the weight! I know you can do it!

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Old 05-31-2010, 12:09 PM   #10
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Beating up that box of Twinkies is better than hitting yourself in the face. Or saying nasty things to yourself & accusing yourself of overdosing on Twinkies in the past.

What's done is done. Make peace with your past. Accept that we're living in a Twinkie-consuming world. Which we don't have to be part of, at least when it comes to eating those fake-cream-injected little yellowish logs of artificial preservative & enhanced flavor goodness. [An aside: Has anyone ever seen websites where people perform scientific experiments on Twinkies? Just to see how much abuse this artificial foodstuff can withstand? Do some Googling. They're hilarious.]

And move on. You've just reached another plane of enlightenment in your life, so to speak. It's like stopping being mad about being pushed to the pavement on the playground during your kindergarten class. It's part of your life history, but it's not where you are now or where you're going.

[Now is the part where I tell you to light an incense cone & chant something forgiving yourself & stare at a crystal revolving from a string. Heh heh. But I'm serious about forgiving yourself & moving on.]
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Old 05-31-2010, 12:53 PM   #11
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Vladadog & Lori Bell: Instead of going to buy Twinkies after my last post last night, I went to do some laps in the pool instead. Although smashing Twinkies sounds entertaining, cleaning up the mess doesn't. Then what I am do to, smash my next love....ice cream? (that's really a mess I want no part of). I can't walk around life with a baseball bat, lol. I know my son meant well with "feel better for the moment" theory, but it's much more simple to envision than do.

Lori Bell, it's comforting to me to know that it's something in part that keeps you motivated & on track, "never forgetting" long term as opposed to taking it for granted and making a slide backward. Perhaps the feeling is then just a symptom of "hitting bottom" ...a feeling I've been looking at with peripheral vision.....an actual positive, I've mistaken for a negative.

Forgiving myself, I can fully do one day. When fully and truly? No clue. Forgetting and dismissing the disgusted disappointment I have in myself, I cannot. I will not ever forget. I was killing myself, a slow suicide. It's not ok to kill someone else with intent and it was certainly not ok to attempt it on myself. No one can ever convince me otherwise. Having been living as the 'walking dead' with the hurts, scrutiny, judgments, cocooning myself socially, hating on myself, rejection and fears I encountered & acquired since getting fat...man oh man....the emotional baggage I have to work through.

But you know what, I'll admit this & I might have already here in the forums....I used to be the sort of in shape person who really looked down on fat people...just like some people have with me since getting this way. One thing good I have learned through this...even though I still hate fatness itself and forever will....I've developed a little more empathy toward the the very feeling person inside the fatness ...but not so much the excuses or justifications.

And I am OK, not in a poor or decaying mindset...just have many thoughts floating in my head that I am recognizing and coming to terms with. I just hope others have gone or are going through the same feelings and thoughts too....to know that all the thoughts and feelings is just a normal part of the process helps bunches.

Oh! PS. Twinkies weren't my thing. Mozzarella Sticks, ice cream and brownies were. Have no idea why my son suggested Twinkies, never even bought them for him & I haven't had one since I was about 15. Ha.....
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Old 05-31-2010, 01:40 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saef View Post
Beating up that box of Twinkies is better than hitting yourself in the face. Or saying nasty things to yourself & accusing yourself of overdosing on Twinkies in the past.

What's done is done. Make peace with your past. Accept that we're living in a Twinkie-consuming world. Which we don't have to be part of, at least when it comes to eating those fake-cream-injected little yellowish logs of artificial preservative & enhanced flavor goodness. [An aside: Has anyone ever seen websites where people perform scientific experiments on Twinkies? Just to see how much abuse this artificial foodstuff can withstand? Do some Googling. They're hilarious.]

And move on. You've just reached another plane of enlightenment in your life, so to speak. It's like stopping being mad about being pushed to the pavement on the playground during your kindergarten class. It's part of your life history, but it's not where you are now or where you're going.

[Now is the part where I tell you to light an incense cone & chant something forgiving yourself & stare at a crystal revolving from a string. Heh heh. But I'm serious about forgiving yourself & moving on.]
True. You're right. There is absolutely no contesting that. It makes sense, also, that possibly, I have incorporated the "ew factor" into my self esteem as I feel others have seen (or expressed to) me. I can't have that, that's just wrong on so many levels. Makes me think.
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Old 05-31-2010, 02:51 PM   #13
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I have forgiven myself. While I certainly wish I hadn't eaten the things I did for over 20 years, I've moved on. I think being morbidly obese all that time was punishment enough!

I think sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. I doubt many of us would judge others as harshly as we judge ourselves.

I have to say that as serious as this thread is, it made me smile with phrases like Onderchicks "Assault and Battery on a Twinkie." and Vladadogs "drive by squishing.!"
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Old 05-31-2010, 02:55 PM   #14
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This is a serious-ish thread, but I admit that parts of it gave me the giggles. Have any of you seen Zombieland? It's a hoot, and there's a major twinkie theme. A whole roomful of them get shot up with a shotgun...

That aside, I would rather see your anger directed at twinkies than at yourself. And like others have said, you have choices and can use that to fuel your healthy-living efforts. That is, to me, the healthiest direction to take for the emotions you feel.

And if it makes you feel better, by all means hold up your bag of broccoli to the twinkies and sneer at them as you go by.
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Old 05-31-2010, 04:02 PM   #15
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Ha!! Yes! Serious'ish but I am grinning right along with you. Not only at the "assault on Twinkies" (too hilarious), but just at the mere fact that I am actually boo-hoo-wah'ing about this. I want to kick my own behind lol. This emotional junk is late, was supposed to happen during my TOM. What the....

I did see Zombieland! ROFL Such a hokey yet great movie! Saw it about 3 weeks ago. Hey, where's the squished Twinkie icon at?
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