Warning this is long.
I'm really struggling in finding a healthy lifestyle for me. I've never been the type to each "junk" foods soda, chips, etc, because I never felt satified eating them or filler foods as I call them. My biggest problem was portion control and eating thinks like fried foods, large portion sizes, etc. From the time I hit middle and all through out high school I stayed at the same weight around 150lbs. Even at 5'5'' I was still self concious about my weight. I made a promise to myself to NEVER go past that number when I graduated from highschool. Thankfully I was able to fullfil this promise and lost 20lbs since graduating in 2004.
Don't get me wrong I have made a lot of accomplishments as far as making the right choices in food, and don't cover myself in oversized clothes anymore. (Used to be a size 10 now I am down to 6/8.) I'm still learning on the portion control though, I have my good days and bad days, but at least if I do binge its on the healthy items. ( fruits/veggies/protiens) I've learned not to rely on the scale so much, though I'm so tired of seeing it bouce back and forth between 127 and 130.
Bottom line is I just don't feel happy still on my own skin. What's fustrating is that I have muscle due to all my years in physical labor, I can see definition in my abs, arms, and legs. However its all covered in hideous fat and stretch marks when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm a pear shape. I know there are some people that would be estatic if they were my size and I feel selfish for saying I feel fat. Its just how I feel.
I estimate I have about 10 lbs of fat to loose, but I can't see to stick with anything. I'm so tired of lose fat fast, lose# in a certain amount of time if you do these programs. I'm tired of cutting carbs (good ones), fruits for certain phases, etc. I'm tired of dieting in general.
While I have learned to make smart choices I can't come up with recipes that I like. Its gets boring after awhile of just adding salt and pepper while separating my meals of veggies, protiens, or carbs. Even stif fry gets old after awhile.
Exercise is another thing I am having difficulty with. I want to be lean and get rid of this excess body fat, but I can't commit to any programs. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I've tried so many programs its driving me crazy. I"ll stick with a program for a while about 2 weeks max then I'll just get bored with it. I want this experience to be enjoyable not something I have to dread all the time, I want it to be natural as me going to work.
I feel like this is pointless typing this but I feel the need to get if off my chest. I have few human friends and I keep to myself in my room, like I have done for the past 15 years. So the internet is the closest thing I have as a "friend."
I won't give up since I am so close, but I mentally, and physically exhausted from thinking about crunching the numbers and following another dead end program.........