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Old 01-18-2011, 02:55 AM   #31  
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Ive been stopped twice by those guys. Once in a Target and I went right to security. Both times the guys were trying really hard to be charming. It felt wrong on so many levels. Ick.
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Old 01-18-2011, 05:42 AM   #32  
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I so agree with the people here who said that this type of thing is not really directly related to being overweight. Being overweight, of course, does not make it any better and just exacerbates it.....but the main issue is our personality type.....non-assertive, people-pleaser, non-confrontational, easily guilt-ridden, "yes" person, etc. And this won't go away when you lose weight, believe me. Sure, it could help....but it will still be there.

I have made it a general rule not to purchase ANYTHING that I was not seeking out myself.....except maybe if the one soliciting is an 8 year old child selling wrapping paper for school, etc. But other than that, I do not buy when someone attempts to solicits me....no matter what. I simply say that I'm not interested or that sorry, I don't have any money. Once you begin to get in the habit of doing this, you will begin to sound and become more and more confident (as opposed to tentative). At this point, solicitors don't even try to continue to bug me when I tell them no. They quickly go on to the next victim.....obviously reading me as a "no means no" person....which is quite a miracle for someone like me.

And this includes all sorts of individuals who will approach me at gas pumps or in front of stores/convenience stores...who have a tale of woe and are asking me for a few dollars. I stick with NO....because for someone like me, that's what I have to do.
I don't even give to charities until I check out their ratings and reputation first....and check out how much of the $ actually goes to the cause. You can get this info on the internet. When I donated to the Haiti earthquake cause, I went directly to the Red Cross only rather than to donate to any of these relief charities I'd never heard of before.

I'm a very non-assertive person, unfortunately. But luckily, I have conquered the whole 'giving out money/getting taken or scammed' thing and it can be done. Just stick with the rule.

Consider the $40 to be a final lesson. Listen....this is a small price to pay to learn the lesson and benefit from it. There are so many who have fallen for these 419 scams and have spent thousands of dollars. These scams make billions of dollars a year from their victims.....so clearly, there are plenty of people falling for them. Just check out some of the 419 scam sites to see this....it's truly horrifying.
Basic rule: do not EVER give $ to anyone who asks you for it who you encountered on the internet....no matter what great story they give you. Do not give $ to anyone you have never met in person. EVER. And do not give to anyone who solicits you first.

By the way (just as an aside...because I'm quite a bit older than you are)....people (particularly women...though this can happen to men also) who have our sort of personality issues are often victims of abusive (physically and/or emotionally) husbands/boyfriends (or wives/girlfriends). We don't even see them coming and don't realize that we've yet again hooked up with the same person over and over. Psych professionals call this "a lid for every pot"....meaning that there is a person with a corresponding dysfunction for our particular dysfunction.....and we will find each other across a crowded room....having no idea what is happening.....and not meaning for this to happen....not recognizing the red flags (or ignoring them).
Seriously, I now think I'm a candidate who should have had parents make a match for marriage for me.....that's how bad I am at this. My dysfunction has made me my own worst enemy when it's come to this.

Interesting story....my boss years ago liked to date married men (she was married with children herself....but would always seek out married men). We had this Christmas party one year where there were all these male vendors and somehow...almost like magic....all the men who approached her turned out to be married. The ones who approached me were not.
How did they know? Sonar? Radar?
Often, people can sense/recognize their victims subconsciously. There are users and those who are easily used. And the users have an uncanny knack for finding the ones they can easily use....almost by radar. It's as if we have a sign on our forehead or on our back.

We have to learn the rules and coping skills to deal with them.....as it's unlikely our personalities will completely change. We have to learn to adapt and to avoid the problems that go along with having this type of personality.

deena

Last edited by Deena52; 01-18-2011 at 05:44 AM.
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Old 01-18-2011, 08:47 AM   #33  
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I like this thread. I've always felt obliged to let people give their schpiel or in other ways walk on me. I have opened the door for strange men while home alone just because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Once I even gave two scruffy looking guys a ride out into the middle of nowhere, just because they asked. OMG, it makes me cringe! I do believe I'm lucky I'm not dead. My sister called me out one day while we were shopping, as soon as someone moves into the direction of where I'm looking, I walk away to give that person room. She was like, WTF, you were there first and you have every right to take the time you need to make your choice. Really, just writing all this makes me sad.

I am a fat person, and even though skinny people can have low self-esteem, I do think mine is tied a lot to having always just taken a back seat because of my weight. The reason I believe this, is that getting healthier and stronger, I find my falling prey to other people's BS has gotten progressively better. It works in a circle -- I stand my ground, I feel stronger working out and eating right, I feel stronger working out and eating right, and I feel stronger in my rights as a human being.

Nowadays, when accosted by a kiosk worker at the mall, I don't even stop walking - just say no thank you and keep movin'. If they keep it up, I actually get a little perturbed and it makes it even easier to stand my ground. When a person comes to the door that I'm not expecting, I just don't answer it if I don't flippin' feel like it or don't feel safe. It's my frickin door, I'll answer it or not if I want, I'm not obligated just cause you knocked on it! And no, scary looking dudes, you can't have a ride out into the woods -- what do I look like, an idiot? hahaha
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Old 01-18-2011, 11:02 AM   #34  
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Both times the guys were trying really hard to be charming. It felt wrong on so many levels. Ick.
That's what bothered me so much. Fine, I can appreciate that sometimes you get screwed, but the way these guys do it really gets to me. I know if you're flirting with a 300-pound girl (me) you're not telling the truth about something!

deena, thanks for the excellent advice. I realize I would be an easy target for someone abusive. Luckily my boyfriend is a really great guy, but it's something I'll need to stay aware of.

And shannonmb, I know exactly how you feel. I'm the girl who apologizes when someone bumps into me or when the clerk drops my money AFTER I let go. :/
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Old 01-18-2011, 08:41 PM   #35  
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I really wish you wouldn't put yourself down so much because of your weight. I have friends who are overweight and obese more so than me, and they are confident, attractive women. Honestly, their confidence totally outshines women half their size.

I am overweight, and I am insecure. Even when I was thin, I was insecure. I was taken advantage of at 100lbs and 180lbs. It had nothing to do with what I looked like and everything to do with how I carried myself and stood up for myself. I might as well have carried a sign that said, "I'm insecure with myself and lack the ability to tell you when you're overstepping boundaries. Feel free to walk all over me."

You want to know something else? My friend and I, the one who is obese, go to the mall together and all it takes is one "no" from her and people leave her be. She's never approached by people wanting money or anything else. I am constantly. It's one of the main reasons I hate going anywhere by myself, which is one of the reasons I'm approached. People sense I'm uncomfortable. Ugh.

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Old 01-18-2011, 09:12 PM   #36  
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There is a book out there called "Nice Girls Finish Fat" by Karen Koenig. I've read about half of it so far, there is a good portion that rings true for me- but apparently I'm not *that* nice. (I mean, I'm generally a nice person and I do put other people's needs and wants before my own, but I'm also too blunt, too honest and too moody)

I tend to attract narcissists. They are such a lovely group of people.. really.

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Old 01-18-2011, 09:18 PM   #37  
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I love this thread! Makes me realize that I need to start thinking of myself differently now and become less of a doormat. I have a guilt complex about everything--I'm too busy helping out with one event to help out with another, I don't want to do something but I feel bad about not wanting to do it, I'm worried that I'm at the cause of problems in which I'm not really involved--that I really want to work on. No matter what size I am I know that this particular trait needs some work. Can't wait to look into some of these books.
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Old 01-18-2011, 10:24 PM   #38  
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Yea, personality tends not to change regardless of your size!

You know, I wouldn't say that I'm a doormat. I guess it really depends on the person, the situation, and the relationship to that person.

I will do almost anything to someone who I feel loyal to (like my mom).
If it's an acquaintance and it's something ******ed or outrageous, It's like.. you can kiss my butt! Even if it's a good friend, if I really can't or don't want to do it, I don't have a problem saying no.

It's the boyfriends I get screwed with. I end up with these men who like to take take take but never give. Infact, my last boyfriend was such a charming little narcissist that for the first few months, I drove him everywhere he wanted to go, gave him money, tried to be the person he wanted me to be..etc etc.. it was such a disaster and in hind sight.. I have no idea why I was with him. and then we got into a heated argument that got physical. It changed the entire dynamic of the relationship. I turned into a psycho lunatic trying to get him to break up with me- which didn't work. And then I tried many times to break up with him- which didn't work. It took me 4 months to shake this guy.

I believe my backbone has grown back since then. There is alot of guilt I carry with me for being with such an abusive person. It's hard not to beat myself up for it. But I try to remind myself that even though it took 4 months, I did get out of it. There are many women who never do.

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Old 01-18-2011, 11:04 PM   #39  
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if you're flirting with a 300-pound girl (me) you're not telling the truth about something!
Really? So the guys that flirted with me at 300 lbs, and even at almost 400 lbs, were all liars? All the great guys I dated were liars. My husband who I met at 375 lbs and who I married at 394 lbs, he's obviously been lying to me for the past eight years of marriage? Are you sure about that?

Not all guys who are attracted to plus-sized women are douchebag liars (just as not all guys who are attracted to blonde centerfolds are upstanding honest men).

If someone is flirting with you and trying to get something from you - that's a much bigger red flag than what you happen to weigh. Some guys may assume that a fat girl makes a better victim, but they don't get very far with a girl who knows how not to be a victim.

I never dated jerks, because I had a great jerk-detection system (which is actually a very simple system - ask a lot of questions, and pay attention to the answers. Don't date a guy who tells inconsistent stories, or who answers your "big questions" in ways that you don't like. If he seems to good to be true or seems insincere and dishonest - trust your instincts).

Last edited by kaplods; 01-18-2011 at 11:19 PM.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:04 AM   #40  
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Warning: scary story ahead:
Saef is very right about the dangers involved in having strangers able to easily approach or influence us. Women must be appear self confident and self aware at all times in public.
Years ago, i was approached by a man in a mall parking lot who tried to talk to me while I was placing something in the trunk of my car. I cut off the conversation, slammed the trunk and quickly walked away. I later learned that soon after approaching me he and another man put a gun to the side of a young woman, forced her into her car, kidnapped and assaulted her for 24 hours and let her go in another city. Why did he not take me? The FBI told me it was that I appeared too confident, so he chose another woman.
Whoa, I got the chills when I read that.

What you are saying is very true. I have a friend who was a police officer and now is a detective. I was talking to her about how I put on my "eff you, don't even LOOK at me or I'll f*ck you up" face when I walk alone at night. She said that is the BEST thing I can do because most of her assault cases consist of men who prey on women who seem timid and not confident.

~BreathingSpace~
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:23 AM   #41  
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I ran into those magazine kids this summer in the Wal Mart parking lot. They were very friendly and very nice/complimentary, and boy were they cute. I answered there happy little survey but did NOT buy any magazines. Felt good about myself all the way home. Had a good time flirting and kept my money.

In the wise words of my gramma, "stand up straight, pull your shoulders back, keep your head up, get your hair out of your eyes so you can see, and go forth!"
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:33 AM   #42  
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Whoa, I got the chills when I read that.

What you are saying is very true. I have a friend who was a police officer and now is a detective. I was talking to her about how I put on my "eff you, don't even LOOK at me or I'll f*ck you up" face when I walk alone at night. She said that is the BEST thing I can do because most of her assault cases consist of men who prey on women who seem timid and not confident.

~BreathingSpace~

OOOH! ICK!

I do eat lunch in the local park quite often, this time of year in my truck, it's cold outside, but there is always this guy in a gold Malibu, that drives by real slow, like a stalker or something, I always, look him in the eye when he goes by, but makes the hair stand up on the back of me neck. *shudders* just something weird about him. Creeps me out.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:03 PM   #43  
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At least this happened in a public place and I hope he wasn't given your home info. Scammers do target all types - they just throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.

A few months back, a door-to-door security (ironic) salesman came to our house when my husband was home. Luckily I, nor our kids were there. He pretty much barged into our house walking through saying "We'll put a security box here... do this... do that" blah blah blah. My husband was PISSED. Told him to get the **** out. The dude said he'd come back when the family was home to discuss the buying options.

Well, I called the company this guy said he was with and it turns out they had NO salesmen out in the area nor are they that pushy. So hubby immediately called the cops and they searched the area for him and kept a watch on our house for a month. I was creeped out by some guy knowing the layout of our house, that we have laptops, mp3s, nice big LCD TV, where our kids rooms are and their ages based on the decorations.

Don't feel bad for being targeted, just try to learn from it (as it sounds like you have). Trust your instincts - if you feel uncomfortable say no and leave. If you're at home, still say no but if they won't leave just call the cops. They have NO right to bother you or get angry if you don't want something especially when they shove it in your face uninvited.
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Old 01-19-2011, 11:19 PM   #44  
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Really? So the guys that flirted with me at 300 lbs, and even at almost 400 lbs, were all liars? All the great guys I dated were liars. My husband who I met at 375 lbs and who I married at 394 lbs, he's obviously been lying to me for the past eight years of marriage? Are you sure about that?
Sorry. I know this way of thinking is problematic. What I meant is that, with very few exceptions, no healthy-weight stranger who doesn't have a thing for fat women in particular would ever approach someone like me. I have a boyfriend who loves me, but he's attracted to me because he loves me. My body is not attractive. Maybe *I* am to some people, but not on the outside.

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Old 01-20-2011, 08:36 AM   #45  
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Oh dear. There are a lot of guys who prefer the look and feel of plus size women. They arent all weird fetishists either. But I say oh dear because your statement was made with such finality. And it makes me kind of sad to hear you say that about yourself.
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