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Old 05-08-2010, 04:52 AM   #1
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Exclamation NO support whatsoever...

I just realized that one of the biggest roadblocks to any fat loss and bodily health for me comes from not having any support-- from ANYONE.

My husband is not supportive. For him, he doesn't really want a say in how much I should weigh or anything like that because he feels that isn't his place, which I can understand his viewpoint. However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals, have access to healthy snacks, exercise with me every now and then, and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater.

Not placing blame here, but my husband cannot let go of his unhealthy snacks, such as chips, cookies, chocolate, crackers, candy, etc. He insists that they're the easiest things for him to obtain but the truth is, so are fruits and veggies! I feel like he makes excuses to prevent me from buying what we really need and somehow believes that there's no reason why we can't eat exactly the same! (sigh). There are days where I want to defy him completely and just say screw it...I am going to buy the foods that my body NEEDS to eat.

Then there's lack of support from friends, family, and coworkers. Whenever I tried to share a goal with someone, such as I avoided sugar all week (like cookies, candy, that sort of stuff), they usually ask "what for?" Then when I explain to them what I'm doing, they start to say "oh you don't need to lose weight! What's wrong with you??" or even "you do NOT weigh that much, you're such a liar!" or "You need to accept the way God made you." (I really dislike that one, it's such a blasphemous use of His name!). You see the reason why I share these things with others is because I would really appreciate the support. I don't need people pitying me or telling me that I'm just fine and why am I doing this to myself or that I am crazy for wanting to lose unhealthy weight. It's gotten to the point where I haven't shared anything with others for months now. I'm also seeing a therapist for some other issues and she told me that it's not healthy for me to not share these things because what I need is support, and it can cause others to feel suspicious about my motives for losing weight, and cause them to further sabotage my efforts. The truth is, I don't think it would really matter because no one believes that I'm 180 pounds on a 5'4" height anyway

I guess what I want is someone to say to me after I tell them that I'm trying to lose weight, or how difficult it's getting, is "You're right, losing weight is difficult but it'll be worth it. Just keep trying," or "I support what you're trying to do for your health, good for you," or even a "Hey, that's a good idea what you're doing. I should give it a try." I've also tried getting a weight loss buddy but unfortunately that hasn't worked out too well. I don't need someone to be harsh and punitive with me, like say "wow you ARE fat" or tell me "aww you're beautiful just the way you are." Does anyone get what I'm saying here?

What made things worse one time was back when I was thinner-- I was on a really good habit of eating healthily all the time (it became second nature, I didn't even think about it). I didn't eat fattening foods, sweets, or junk. Whenever I would get invited to go out, such as at a restaurant, or a barbecue others would make me feel guilty for not "living it up" by eating a greasy burger or ordering dessert or eating chips. When I tried to explain my reasoning, I was told that I needed to "lighten up" and "give myself a break". The way I see it, it's my health and my body...why should I ever need to take a break from taking care of my body? But things got so bad that I would feel so guilty and cave into that grease or sugar just to appease everyone so they thought I was normal (sigh).

I just want objective advice and support. Unfortunately I can't get that from the people who are close to me, because they either so things that eventually sabotage my efforts, or dissuade me.
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Old 05-08-2010, 05:33 AM   #2
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That's why 3FC is so successful. Support.
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Old 05-08-2010, 07:10 AM   #3
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Folks at 3FC can help cheer you on. Also, have you considered finding a weight loss support group like Weight Watchers or TOPS? For WW it does cost to attend the real-life groups, but for those who like support, it can be helpful.

You can't predict or control what the reactions of others will be when you tell them you are trying to lose weight. Also, some people tend to make it their business once you say anything, and the next thing you know you're being watched. It's like they have made themselves the diet police.

This is why I did not tell anyone except my SO and my two sisters that I was trying to lose weight. After awhile others began to notice, and I could deal with that. But I didn't get into conversations about numbers and methods--I just said thanks for the compliments and moved on.

It is up to YOU to control what you put in your mouth. No one else is making you eat anything. Yes, sometimes there is a lot of pressure in a restaurant where everyone thinks that eating crappy, unhealthy food is having a good time. But you do not need to base what you eat on whether they approve.

If someone you're out with tells you you need to have a good time by eating crappy food, you can reply, "I'm having a good time by being here with you. Or at least, I was until you started to pick on what I'm eating." This can be said with a smile!

Buy the foods you need. Don't worry about what your husband is eating. Don't let him chide you.

And for support--find a support group where people are working toward a common goal.

"My religion is kindness." --His Holiness the Dalai Lama

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Old 05-08-2010, 07:49 AM   #4
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Totally and completely agree with the two (wise) previous posters.

Support would be wonderful, but honestly - it's not necessary. One can achieve weight loss with or without anyone's help - because ultimately it's up to us. It's in our own hands. We hold the key. It's our choice. Which is a good thing. We don't have to rely on anyone - but ourselves.

Make your own rules and abide by them. Ignore what others do and what others say. Love yourself more than caring about what others say. Stand by your principles. Don't let others sway you. It's much more about what they're not doing than what you ARE doing.

Buy your foods, make the right choices while dining out. Make other peoples' food TOTALLY off limits to you. Map out a plan on a daily basis, having the *right* foods ALWAYS available, no reason to eat *anyone elses* and adhere that plan no matter what. Decide to do this, commit to do this - and than get out there and do it!

You don't have to be overweight if you don't want to be. That is the bottom line. For each and every obstacle thrown your way there IS a way to overcome it.

We are here for you 24/7/365.
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Old 05-08-2010, 08:41 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by MarthaMyDear View Post
My husband is not supportive. However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals . . . and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater.
You have to make a choice here--do you want him to be the "food police" or not? Because "I want him to be the food police when I want him to and not when I don't" really isn't fair to anyone.

Personally, I think it's great that my husband is totally uninvolved in my weight loss. This experience is such an emotional roller coaster that I really prefer keeping my marriage out of it: that relationship is one fixed point in a world that is otherwise changing. I mean, I talk about my plans, and he listens in a "yes, dear" sort of way--the way I listen when he talks about his hobbies--and he did take over the grocery shopping for a while, but I am responsible for my behavior, and I like it like that. It's bad enough that I get mad at myself when I slip up, I don't want to be mad at him--or have him be disappointed in me.

Basically, it's his job to be proud of me when I do well, (and he is), but I never want to feel like he'll be disappointed if I fail.
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Old 05-08-2010, 08:57 AM   #6
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When I was quitting smoking & a lot of my friends were smoking, I would tell myself that my friends can't be there for me as I quit & they aren't thinking of me dying from emphysema. I detached myself from my smoking friends for a long time while I quit. I still have a few friends that smoke, but I am not tempted to steal their cigarettes anymore.

Onto dieting...

Except for 3FC and other active dieters, I don't want any support of any kind from anybody.

When other people get involved, my co-dependency distracts me from my personal goals. I think about them instead of me. Even compliments on my weight loss stress me out b/c I feel pressure to lose more. I feel like people are watching.

Even my family hasn't said a word & we are all overweight or obese & all trying to lose weight. The only thing I've said to my family is that I am running and getting in shape.

My friends sort of know, but they don't really care. They don't seem bothered when I order a salad instead of a burger when we go out.

I truly prefer doing this on my own & I would hate it if anybody told me what to eat or not to eat or what to do. I wouldn't want to exercise with anybody b/c they'd either be too fast or too slow. I'd feel inadequate with them and compare my body negatively to theirs.

But I should mention that I live alone & don't have a boyfriend. If I had somebody bringing chips and snacks home, I'll tell him to either bring single size portions home or lock the extras in a cabinet. I'm fine with another person eating junk, but don't leave the leftovers around. I would eat it in a heart beat.

This is your journey and yours alone. I suggest you turn to 3FC for support... These women and men are fonts of wisdom and experience.

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Old 05-08-2010, 09:32 AM   #7
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You wanted objective, and I'll try to be - but the issue of support is a very subjective. What one person might expect as support, another would view as unproductive or even harmful.

Originally Posted by MarthaMyDear View Post
My husband is not supportive. For him, he doesn't really want a say in how much I should weigh or anything like that because he feels that isn't his place, which I can understand his viewpoint.
Many women, including myself would see this as supportive. Having a husband who realizes he probably shouldn't go there, that you're an adult who needs to make choices for herself shows he respects you to make decisions for yourself - and that's the most valuable kind of support. He can't do it for you (and believe me if he tried to do what you're asking, it would backfire, because getting involved in your weight loss puts him in the role of food cop and that never feels supportive, except in our imaginations).

Originally Posted by MarthaMyDear View Post
However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals, have access to healthy snacks, exercise with me every now and then, and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater.

This is your job, not his. Making sure you do anything is not only not his job - you would not feel happy if he did this. I'm fairly confident of this, because I've never met anyone who enjoyed their SO doing this. Also, what you want is inconsistent. He's supposed to "make sure" you cook healthy and have access to healthy snacks (how can he do that without telling you what to do, or without criticising you), yet he's not supposed to criticise you (chide you for eating something off plan). Your comments suggest that you want him to take control when you don't feel like it, and step back when you want to be in control. That will never work, because men are notoriously bad at reading women's minds (can't say I'm all that good at it, myself).

Originally Posted by MarthaMyDear View Post
I feel like he makes excuses to prevent me from buying what we really need and somehow believes that there's no reason why we can't eat exactly the same! (sigh). There are days where I want to defy him completely and just say screw it...I am going to buy the foods that my body NEEDS to eat.
This is about you, not him. You're trying to force your changes onto him, and that's not supportive of his choice. You've got to respect his decision not to diet, as much as you expect his respecting your decision to diet. There is no reason he can't eat the same as he has. You do have the right to buy the food that you want to eat. You can buy what he wants to eat too, or you can tell him he's on his own for "his" food and he'll have to go to the grocery store and get what he wants (that's a bit adversarial, but do what feels right for you). If seeing "his" food bothers you, set aside a cabinet, shelf, footlocker - whatever storage option makes it easier for you to keep your eyes and hands off "his" food.

You have a right to make changes for you, but you don't have a right to make changes for him. It would be great if he wanted to make those changes too, but he's an adult and has to make his own choices. His not being ready is not "non-support" of you.

You do not want your hubby's hand in your weight loss. Even being on the same journey (my husband and I are both dieting) the best support is usually staying out of each other's way. There's not much that we can do to actively support the other, because on the wrong day it feels like judgement, not support. There's no way to "get it right" every time (or even very often). Because commentary, no matter who well-intended always seems like harsh criticism - sabotage instead of support.

Your friends aren't trying to sabotage you, either. They're giving their opinions. If they don't think you're overweight, they're going to say so. Some of their advice isn't all that bad. It might not be right for you, but there are a lot of people it would be perfect for.

That's what you have to understand even here. Even here, there will be a lot of people trying to support you, but some of what we say will be horrible advice for you. You've got to be able to evaluate all the advice and determine what's right for you, and be able to ignore the rest - just as you have to do with your hubby and friends. Instead of feeling resentment for the advice that doesn't feel right, you've got to accept that people give the best advice they can, what's is in their hearts - it doesn't always apply to you (and that doesn't make it inherently unsupportive. They're doing their best. If you take it as such, it will feel like support rather than sabotage - they're trying).

You can ask people to support you by telling them what you'd like from them (you have at least a chance of them trying to comply), but ultimately they respond with their experiences. They may not be able to give you the kind of support you're looking for.

I hope some of what I said helps, it was meant in a supportful spirit. It's advice that helped me when I got it from others here, so I'm passing it on,
but remember if any of this does not apply to you, IGNORE IT.
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Old 05-08-2010, 09:33 AM   #8
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You're right that it's hard to lose weight. It's hard to eat healthy foods instead of junk. And it's hard for anyone who isn't there to understand why they can and you can't.

That having been said, you need to do what is best for YOU. Period. If hubby eats junk, let him. You don't have to eat the same things. If coworkers don't support you, then you can either give in and feel awful, or you can keep right on doing what you know is in your own best interest.

Pehaps the people in your life aren't sure how to support you. Maybe there are some of them that you can talk to and explain exactly what it is that you need so they will know. They can't read your mind and if they truly care, then the things they say or do aren't meant to deliberately sabotage you. They may just not know a better way and you can show them...kindly...

No matter what, you need to figure out your own priorities and goals, and then everything that comes along, you can decide for yourself if it furthers those goals or impedes progress, and your actions need to be appropriate for the answer.

Good luck to you and *HUGS*. Don't give up, just find a way to make it work and if one way doesn't then try another.



Last edited by angelskeep; 05-08-2010 at 09:40 AM.
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Old 05-08-2010, 10:34 AM   #9
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The only reason I've been able to lose the weight is because I figured out how to be self-motivated. These forums are great for support, but I truly don't NEED that support (I hang around more for the useful advice ). I'm totally responsible for my own habits. I enjoy cooking great food for my boyfriend, and going to the gym with my friend from work, but if he went out of town for a week and she took a week off from working out, I'd still be on plan. I think it's vitally important to your success that you find that place where you enjoy and appreciate the encouragement, but you don't NEED it.
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Old 05-08-2010, 10:43 AM   #10
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Look when it comes to weight loss support I think there is no better place then here. Plus as everyone else said losing weight is up to you.
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Old 05-08-2010, 10:52 AM   #11
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I don't always have the most popular opinion on things or the most tact -- so before you read this, know that I support your efforts and I know how hard it is. I'm glad you're here at 3FC

It seems to me that you are just looking for someone to blame. And pointing fingers at people who are trying not to hurt you isn't going to help you and it's not really an excuse for not committing to what YOU know is healthy for YOU. It's nice that your husband, family, friends and coworkers accept you as you are. What do you realistically expect? This is your journey-- and you direct the ride... no one else.

Look at this:

Originally Posted by MarthaMyDear View Post
My husband is not supportive. For him, he doesn't really want a say in how much I should weigh or anything like that because he feels that isn't his place, which I can understand his viewpoint. (you say this is OKAY. And it IS. Good!)

However, what I would like to see support me in is making sure I cook healthy meals, have access to healthy snacks, exercise with me every now and then, and not chide me for eating a few pretzels because I'm stressed. Yes, I am an emotional-overeater. (You might need to read this twice-- you want him to have the responsibility of doing what YOU need to do for YOURSELF - make sure you cook healthy and have access to healthy snacks - He's your husband, not your mother! You want him to make sure you have these things, but not say a word when you decide to cheat on your own when you eat due to stress. That's contradictory )
I didn't say those things to be ugly. I had this too. I blamed my husband for being too supportive and trying to do EVERYTHING with me and asking so many questions that it seemed I was trying to tailor the diet to him and tend to him that I had not time to focus on what I needed for myself. And then I blamed him for trying to sabatoge my efforts by insisting on junk snacks. (I'm sort of South Beaching, FWIT, and he wants to have his beloved triscuits and we had the same grocery argument you have now. Eventually, I would replace half of the snacks with things that I wanted and I explained not that I -need- these things, but that I WANT them. It took away his need to try to soothe me and make everything "Okay" by agreeing that I'm fine and can have his junky food. You're a big girl. Take control

Last edited by ohmai; 05-08-2010 at 10:55 AM.
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Old 05-08-2010, 12:36 PM   #12
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Welcome to 3fc's; I hope you'll find some of the support and encouragement you're looking for here.

Support is a nice thing to have, but definitely not necessary for weight loss. I had very little and did okay!
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Old 05-08-2010, 02:11 PM   #13
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You are the only one who is responsible for what you eat and you are not the food police to judge what others are eating. Come here for support. I never discuss my weight loss or what I am doing or my attainment of a goal because it is just boring for the listener. I have no family so I have no support at home. This website is where we can find others to support us because they have the same problems. Come here often.

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Old 05-09-2010, 12:43 AM   #14
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I think I may need to provide more clarification as to what I was trying to say, because the interpretations on what I initially wrote seem to be off from what I thought I was saying...I apologize for that. It was also 3 in the morning when I wrote the OP

When I said that I wanted my husband to be supportive with me making healthy meals and eating more healthily, I wasn't talking about being the food police or having him look over my shoulder or anything like that. Here's an example: I make a healthy meal and sit down to eat it. My husband will usually start to criticize what I made or what I am eating, telling me that I am either not eating enough, not eating the right kinds of foods, or will make faces of disgust (yes, he is a little immature) or even say things like "ewww, yuck!" or "damn, that looks sorta nasty." Yes, I do try to eat foods that I don't particularly find palatable all the time, but I need to eat them, is what I usually say. Instead of receiving a response like that, I would like him to say "Good job avoiding the cheesecake" or "Sorry I don't want to eat that, but good for you for being healthy". I want my husband to be able to respect my choices for eating.

Someone mentioned that I am forcing him to eat how I want to eat-- unfortunately he received a doctor's order that he needs to start eating more often, and more healthily because for a man of his size, his fat to muscle composition is "off", along with the fact that he's 15-20 lbs. underweight. I have no idea how that works, but that's what the doctor said. We even spoke to a personal trainer with a weight lifting and nutrition background and she told us what we both needed to do as far as eating habits and basic nutrition, so really our choices would be rather similar.

I saw that someone stated I am looking for others to blame. For what, really? Maybe I need to be more clear about this...I often find myself in precarious situations when it comes to eating choices because I am trying to eat more healthily. My husband and I were once invited to a dinner party where almost all the food was drenched in oil, fried, covered in cheese, or dunked in barbecue sauce. I was mindful to not complain about anything and stuck to the water, fruit, veggies, and hummus dip. The hostess then questioned me as to why I wouldn't try her dessert or the cheese dip she made, I almost fumbled in my response and made something up about how the hummus was super filling. In another situation, an aunt served me food that was seriously enough to feed two men and when I only ate 1/4 of it (and was stuffed) she took offense even though I tried to reassure her that the food was good and I was just really full. In these situations, I am not asking anyone to bend over backwards for me and do make the best of it, but I also run the risk of offending others because I don't eat to appease them. And let me tell you...not eating to appease Asian relatives is really tricky.

Before my husband and I were married, I only ate healthily. No mouse could have found a stitch of sweets in my pantry or fridge unless it was premade for a get-together, where I made sure that everyone else ate it and not me. I had no issues with my diet at that time. After my husband and I started living together, he told me that he wasn't going to eat "what food eats" and instead was going to eat whatever he wanted, and he thought I was wasting time trying to plan my meals instead of spending time with him. When I've told him that I am full after eating a meal, he will insist that I continue eating because the amount of food I eat can't make me feel full.

My friends and coworkers also tell me at times that my better eating habits make them "feel bad" and at one time, a coworker implied that I must somehow, think I am better than she was? I wasn't rubbing it in her face, but usually when people see that I don't buy lunch and instead bring in cooked food from home, they usually assume that I am eating healthier.

What I am trying to say is that I am surrounded by negativity in regards to eating healthily and trying to lose weight. It does not make it easy, nor do I think I am always in control as much as I'd like to think.
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Old 05-09-2010, 01:14 AM   #15
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I feel you Martha, i feel you.

I dont have the same issue, but i can understand it. Its hard it almost feels like SABOTAGE! haha but whatcha gotta do is just start cooking for you. If he will "eat whatever he wants when he wants.. " let him. But you stick to yours!
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