I love you so intensely, it hurts me to be away from you. You’ve been with me through all of my good and bad times. You’re the longest relationship I’ve had. I depend on you to help me up when I fall. Our intimate nights alone when no one else is around are so wonderful. It’s a secret love affair that gives me more satisfaction than I can ever remember. You are without question, my addiction. Even when there are times that I feel frustrated at the things you’ve done to me, I always run right back to you. My safety blanket, my rock, my ever loving and understanding companion. You are here for me when everyone else fails to love me in a way I need or want. I couldn’t possibly ever live my life without you, a few days without you and I would perish. Even just a day without you I would get lonely & weak. I hate that I feel this way about you. It makes me so angry that I can’t just walk away and never turn back. You’ve got me so entangled in this dysfunctional relationship. How could you do this to me ? You’re supposed to love me and maybe you do, but my love for you is slowly killing me. I can’t live without you but I can’t live loving you the way I do either. I know you’ve supported me, I know you’ve always been there when I needed you. I know sometimes you were the only one around. How can I possibly turn my back on you now. Somehow I have to find the strength. I know you want me to explain myself. It’s just so difficult to say these words when I know after they are said I have to walk away. With you’re support you’ve also brought me shame. You’ve brought sadness and hurt into my life. You’ve made me feel so down about who I am and what I look like. It’s gotten so bad over the past few years that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without thinking I’m disgusting. I remember I used to look in mirrors passing by, now I keep my head down. If I do happen to catch a glimpse, I run to you for comfort because I hate myself and you do what you do best. Honestly, your best is hurting me and I can’t take it anymore. It’s finally at the point that my disgust with myself is way beyond the feeling I get when I’m around you. We’ve been down this road before so many times. You comfort me when I feel down, but then after the comforting is over I feel even worse. How is it that I let myself be satisfied with just a few mins of comfort when I deserve so much more ? I deserve to feel good about myself. I deserve everything I’ve always looked for in you but never found. I deserve the comfort without the guilt. You give me so much guilt. You provide so much negativity in my life that I can’t see clearly at times. When I get comfort elsewhere it never feels as good and at the same time never hurts at much. How messed up is that ? I still, no matter how hard I try, can’t understand how you make me feel so amazing and then with the blink of an eye you turn on me and make me feel terrible. I’m done, I can’t do this tug of war anymore with you. I’m so tired of all the anger & pain. I’m done shedding all these tears over how you make me feel. I’m so confused and how you do the things you do, you’re ruthless. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but it’s for my own good. All these years I spent looking to you for things you couldn’t give me has done awful things to my mental and physical health. I must be strong. I know that no matter how much I beg you, you’ll never leave my side. You’ll be everywhere I am and there is not a single thing I can do about that. My only choice is to co-exist and to be civil. Since I know that you’ll always be there watching and waiting for me to have a weak moment, I’ll have to be stronger than I’ve been before. It’s ok, you stay there & watch me. I’ll forget you, I’ll forget those times you were there for me, I’ll forget those times you made me laugh, I’ll forget every fake happy memory I had with you. What I won’t forget is how awful you have made me feel every time I thought I could let you in. Now I know, as long as I’m strong, you can be in my life, but not the way you were before. It can never be that way again. You destroy to much of me when I bring you close. I have no choice but to accept you’ll always be waiting for me to fall again but no matter how bad I might feel like I want you, I’m done. I will never fall victim to your powerful, deceitful ways again. I love you & I probably always will but it’s over.
Written by: Me (Vanessa)
Last edited by PlatinumGi; 04-29-2010 at 08:08 AM.
I'm glad that I'm able to share my writing with such great people on here. It's nice to know how much understanding there is coming from everyone on this site I hope that whoever reads this can continue to fight this battle and win!!
The break up letter so many of us need to write. I'm still working out the terms of my own divorce. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just move on completely? You can walk away from any other addiction, but you need food to survive. It's like having ongoing issues with a family member, you have to negotiate the terms and make it work.
Besides being so overweight and being addicted to food, I have also overcome chemical addictions, and I remember writing a break up letter like this in rehab The counselor told us that if we wrote out our feelings about our particular substance, and we described how much we depended on it to survive and how painful it was to both continue the cycle and break the cycle, it would help us to see that the love affair was over. It sounds strange, but it took a period of mourning for me to get over having that in my life for so long and it was very challenging to imagine my life without it. Now, on my weight loss journey, I am doing the same thing: breaking up with food, mourning the good times we had, acknowledging the bad and moving on. I am pleased to see you doing that exact same thing. Great job!
Scatterheart It would be amazing if we could just completely walk away from food but unfortunately we can't, which makes it that much harder. I can't imagine a world without food because I do enjoy it, I just didn't enjoy the destructive relationship I had with it. It keeps me alive but it could also kill me...that plays horrible games with the mind ! Good luck on your journey !
Asharksrevenge I also had to recover from a chemical addition many many years ago. I never went to rehab but I did break the addiction on my own. I can honestly say this addiction to food is much harder. I was able to walk away from the people who surrounded me and the situations I would put myself in with the chemical addiction but I can't do that with food. Food is everywhere and I need it to live...If only we lived in a world that we didn't need it maybe it would be easier. I'll be honest and say when I wrote that letter I cried and was very emotional. I was severing a tie with something that I felt like I loved more than anything...but I knew it was destructive and it was time to move on. I got to a point where if I didn't break up...I would have broken down. I was sad for a while but now I feel better. It's still a daily struggle because an addict is always an addict but I remind myself how life was before I said goodbye and how much my life has improved since. Good luck on your journey !
To everyone...if you need someone to talk to feel free to email me. If you private message me I'll give you my email. I could use all the support I can get as I'm sure you do as well
Dear Food.
I hope that whoever reads this can continue to fight this battle and win!!
