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Old 04-08-2010, 06:23 AM   #16
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Don't be an enabler.

One of the worst things my OH does is bring chocolate into the living room in the evening to eat it, and offers me some.

When I complain about it, he tells me that he was brought up to believe that it was polite to share with people and he can't bring himself to be rude enough not to offer it to me, even though I have told him explicitly not to. I can just about manage to ignore him if he eats it in front of me, but I don't have the willpower to refuse if he actively offers it to me.

When I tell him this he tells me I am an adult woman and I am resposible for what I put in my mouth, not him - I can say no if I don't want it.

It is the only thing that really pisses me off about him.

He also doesn't understand about "allowing" yourself an off-plan treat, so he sees me eat a small bar of chocolate and then doesn't get why I am annoyed about him offering me chocolate. He buys me fattening things as treats "because he knows I love them" and thinks he is doing a nice thing.

I have tried to explain - I compared it to offering a dry alcoholic a glass of wine, in the full knowledge that that person WAS an alcoholic, purely in the interests of "being polite".

He is getting better, but he still doesn't really get it - comes of being 6 foot tall and effortlessly 150 lb - and never having lived with anyone with a warped relationship with food before.

What he does do for me is tell me I am beautiful and gorgeous and sexy all the time, and he looks after the DCs whenever I want to go for a run, and he came to support me when I did a 10K race last year. He is also proud of me and tells his friends that I run 4 miles a day every day - which is not true - it's more like 3 OR 4 miles about 3x a week.
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Old 04-08-2010, 08:57 AM   #17
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My husband very recently went from being a bad influence on my dieting/exercising habbits to being a positive and supportive stronghold.

1.) He cooks much healthier, lower calorie dinners for us and if he makes carbs for us, he'll only make small servings.

2.) He started working out with me in the evenings, which really encourages me to stay on track.

3.) When we go out to eat, we think about the restaurant's menu options before hand and choose the healthiest option. Also, when we have parties, instead of putting out my favorite junk foods we put out fruit and veggie trays in addition to some snacks that I don't care for.

Lastly, though my husband doesn't really do this enough, it's very important for supporting your woman - Tell her how good she looks, tell her you see results, tell her what a great job she's doing and how proud you are of her.

Good luck & I hope we helped!!
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:03 AM   #18
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**DISCLAIMER---I'm a guy**

You've gotten some good advice in here from people much better able to comment than I.

I'd just chime in a few things and hope I don't get bashed too much.

1. Be prepared for the fact that no matter how well intentioned or how hard you try there will be many times you do it wrong (at least in her eyes). Sorry it's just a guy/girl thing, don't let it get you down, if you really care keep trying.

2. Realize that due to many many many many reasons, what is appropriate and helpful support one day might not be the same the next day. I'm guessing you know what I mean but be prepared to be light on your feet and adjust quickly to what is appropriate in the moment.

3. The best advice I think you've gotten in this thread is to carefully understand how important it is to not be an enabler, but the key difference between that and not being an accountability cop (even if she says she wants this). The first is great, and the second is a can of worms to avoid.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:55 PM   #19
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I think its so great that you are here, and you want to be supportive.

The best thing, is working out with her even if its not an intense workout. My boyfriend and I go on a walk almost every night after dinner, even though I already worked out in the morning. We can talk and after walking for an hour we both feel good. Just do a lot of activities with her that are focused on being outside and healthy. It does wonders for your relationship, and if she skips a workout she gets to feel healthy while you encourage her to go do something with you.

Good luck to both of you, having a supportive boyfriend makes the process feel even more rewarding.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:06 PM   #20
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Wow! Thanks for all the great advice.

Seems like I haven't fallen into any common traps yet (policing or commenting, etc). I could do a bit better by not enabling certain eating patterns (eating out, not fast food, but not always healthy), but that'll take some work.

I've asked her how best to support her and she has a bit (*ahem*) of a stubborn independent streak (that I love in her ) So she tends to try and go-it alone...but she hasn't been very successful in doing so. She told me the last time that she slimmed down she had been single, and working out at the gym 4-5 times a week, 2 hours in the evenings....so eating dinner together kind of goes out the window, and we lose some of that couple time as well.

From my perspective (which I haven't shared), it's more of a gradual lifestyle change than a huge one...but it means smaller meal portions, less ice cream, less television. The payoff is more energy, feeling less stressed about her weight, fitting into her old clothes (and nicer new clothes), and feeling better about herself in general. I worry somewhat about her overall health...but I'm not sure how to express this in a way that is constructive. It's hard to change though, I know that from my own life experience from growing up as an overweight teen and young adult. It means new coping mechanisms outside of food (she spends plenty of time talking about the things that stress her in her life, but she still tends to eat sweets in excess.

I make sure to let her know how much I love her, how beautiful she is, and she knows without a doubt that I'm not going anywhere.

I suppose the real reason that it has been on my mind more as of late is that in a few short weeks I'm going to be proposing to her....and I know that the idea of getting married (one that she is on-board with) will be a bit stressful because she'll immediately start thinking about her weight again. I'm not in a position to control her stress....though I do my best to be aware of it.

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback, I'll be sure to keep reading the thread!
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:28 PM   #21
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You're very thoughtful and considerate. I'm sure she'll say yes. If she needs convincing, send her to talk to us!

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Old 04-08-2010, 09:58 PM   #22
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I think JOINING in helps when my DH joins me on my walks or works out when i do, i love it! One because he walks faster than me so he slows alittle for me but walks still fast enough so that i have to work a bit harder!

When eating its so hard if you are eating all these "unhealthy" foods and im stuck sitting there eating a salad.. or whatever it may be. Try and Join in on the effort.
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:15 PM   #23
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Can you both go on a plan together? Let her know that you want to be in the best shape of your life for the happiest day of your life (the wedding) and need her support. Sit down, review plans and pick something that works for you both.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:44 AM   #24
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Compliment, compliment, compliment - but don't make it about weight loss -- don't say "you look like you're losing weight" -- say "you look great in that outfit", tell her that her hair looks great, you love her smile, whatever it is in the moment, but don't remind her that she's even trying to lose weight.

Make "dates" that are active, without letting her know that's what she's doing - take up bowling, find a local hiking spot, even go to a park to start looking at the spring flowers in bloom - be subtle about it. Never pressure her to exercise, but if she wants you to tag along, be happy to do so. Go buy bikes together and start riding. If you have a dog, walk it! Stuff like that.

When she tells you about an accomplishment, if you can afford it, buy her a reward - a single carnation, a new favorite CD - if you can't, simply write her a little note that says "I"m proud of you" - and be specific -- if she tells you she's lost 5 pounds, tell her that you're proud of her for that, if she met a goal of walking so many miles, tell her that, etc.

I am ALL about the positive reinforcement, but I don't want to think that my boyfriend "notices" that I've lost weight because then I start to wonder "Gosh did he think I was FAT before" -- know what I mean?

The best thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and admire her courage/strength/restraint, etc!
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:36 PM   #25
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Hello everyone!

Just a quick update....I popped the question last weekend and she said yes!

On another positive note, she also signed up for a big Team in Training event towards the end of the year that she's asked my help with to prepare for, so we've got some goals to work towards together as a newly engaged couple (including setting a date, hah!)

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice that you so kindly shared with me. Back to looking for healthy recipes....might share a few I've come across too
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Old 05-08-2010, 03:31 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PositivePursuit View Post
Hello everyone!

Just a quick update....I popped the question last weekend and she said yes!

On another positive note, she also signed up for a big Team in Training event towards the end of the year that she's asked my help with to prepare for, so we've got some goals to work towards together as a newly engaged couple (including setting a date, hah!)



I'm so happy for you both! It is so great you are being so supportive of your partner.
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:17 PM   #27
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I'll have to go back through and read the advice you've already been given, so I don't repeat. But I wanted to post and say *applause* to you for wanting to be supportive.
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:49 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PositivePursuit View Post
Hello everyone!

Just a quick update....I popped the question last weekend and she said yes!

On another positive note, she also signed up for a big Team in Training event towards the end of the year that she's asked my help with to prepare for, so we've got some goals to work towards together as a newly engaged couple (including setting a date, hah!)

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice that you so kindly shared with me. Back to looking for healthy recipes....might share a few I've come across too
Well congratulations!

It sounds like you're both blessed to have each other.

And now that I've gone through the thread, it looks like you've gotten the best advice. My hubby and I support each other by not taking over each other's eating plans, even if they are different. He does his thing, I do mine. He is just as able to cook as I am, sometimes more if I'm not well. We already need to plan my diet around the fact that I am allergic to corn, so it's not that much more effort to allow for trying to lose weight too. If he wants something I can't have, whoever is cooking will simply prepare one dish for me and another for him.

I understand completely where SusanB is coming from. I have an ex who would eat the balanced but abundant supper I cooked, even seconds or thirds, assure me he's full when I ask, and then not a half-hour later I'd see him fixing not one but two sandwiches for himself to eat in front of the TV. He himself would freely admit he was not actually hungry. He called it "feeding his nerves." Very frustrating. But that's food addiction for you.

Like Robsia's husband, mine feels it is simply polite to offer the other person some of what you are eating. At first we had issues with him not only offering me off-plan food, but then 10 minutes after I say no, he'll ask again, "Are you sure you don't want any...?" This would make me mad, because I feel it's disrespectful to re-ask a question that's already been answered. No means no. To ask again implies, "I didn't like your first answer, so I'm asking again hoping to get the answer I want." We're both getting better. He doesn't ask again, as often, and when he does I don't get mad. I simply stick to the no.

And I agree 150% with ParadiseFalls about not asking, "Do you really want to eat that?" Not only would I take it the same way she said she would, but my rebellious streak would only make it more likely that I *will* eat it. My hubby and I are alike in that area. When we do something positive for our health, we want it to be because *we* made the decision, not because someone nagged, insulted, humiliated, or shamed us into it.

Beyond this all I can give you is negative examples of what not to do. I have actually heard such things as, "Sure, go ahead and have that cake. Hippo." "Two pounds this week? That's all? I can poop and lose that much!" Or, "I don't want to hear about you losing any 16 pounds. You're still overweight." Believe it or not, these were attempts at motivating me, thinking I'd get mad and "show them" by losing more weight. You are such a nice guy that I know you wouldn't treat your fiancée like that. But maybe someone else will read this and learn not to say things like that.

Again congratulations on your engagement. May you always be as happy as at that moment.
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Last edited by LovebirdsFlying : 05-09-2010 at 05:52 PM. Reason: straightening out confusing wording
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:52 PM   #29
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Congratulatons
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Old 05-09-2010, 06:55 PM   #30
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Congratulations to you both. I think she is getting a great guy!
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