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Old 02-24-2010, 11:19 AM   #1
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I have a friend who started out at around 240lbs before I knew her. Over about a year, she got down to 140lbs. I met her when she was at 150 and maintaining. For all the months that I've known her, we've enjoyed talking about weight loss. We'd talk about low calorie foods and recipes and what kind of workouts we'd been doing. The typical...kind of real life 3fc discussion.

Well recently, I noticed she'd been talking about going out to eat with her new boyfriend. It was always fried chicken, pizza, burgers, etc. Now I am not one to judge at all, I have eaten my share of junk on my weight loss journey, I've just learned to do it in moderation. So at first I didn't think too much of it, afterall, she lost 100lbs, she knows the diet game. But then I started noticing that she's visibly gaining weight. I hate to say this because it sounds so judgemental, but her and I are the same height and similar weights, so it's hard not to notice. We wear the same size of jeans, and what fit her before are now creating muffin tops.

We were talking about food yesterday, I told her I was going to make some pesto chicken/mushroom/onion spaghetti squash (which was amazing, btw). She said she was going to Zaxby's for dinner. Not 10 minutes earlier, she had mentioned that she had eaten McDonalds for lunch. Later in the afternoon, I saw her eating subpar cold pizza from our work meeting last night in an empty room.

Generally, I don't like to get involved in other peoples' lives. And I'm by no means judging her, I'm guessing she's going through a stressful time and is turning to her old comfort foods. But I'm wondering if I should step in and say something or just leave it be. I'm trying to imagine what I would want a friend to do or say if I started to regain the weight. It's such a sensitive delicate subject, but I'd hate for all her hard work of losing the weight to go out the window.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:25 AM   #2
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Gosh...that is such a tough situation to be in. Weightloss really is such an individual, personal thing. I lost 60 pounds (30 of it while dating my current boyfriend). But once i stopped hitting the gym, and i started eating like a skinny person with an awesome metabolism, i started to regain the weight. It was like i thought, "hey...i made it. I lost the weight. Now i can slack off and act like other people i know." Now i am back up 30 pounds. I saw the weight coming back. Felt the clothes getting tight. But by then, it was too late. I just couldn't stop my passion for food.

But now, i have decided it is time to get back on the old band wagon and drop that 30 pounds, plus that last ten i wanted to drop.

I don't know if you can say anything to make her change her eating plans, but i would defiantely ask her why she is eating out so much and giving up on her old "healthy" ways. Maybe she is just so in love, she just isn't thinking there is any room for "healthy" habits, or she thinks she has made it and can start slacking again. But however you approach the subject, just let her know you are her friend no matter what and they you will support her however she needs you too.

Good luck.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:26 AM   #3
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It is a very sensitive subject and its really hard to bring up to someone, however I really wish one of my friends had said something to me when I started regaining weight. I had lost a lot at the end of high school and when I started college it started packing on. Once in awhile my mom would say something but I just figured it was her wanting me to lose more. I think if one of my friends has brought it up I would have maybe I would have realized what was happening. Since yous already talk about weight loss it may be easier for yous to talk about something like this. I honestly think you should tell her. Even if she gets mad, she will thank you for it.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:26 AM   #4
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:32 AM   #5
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I'm with firecracker. I spent almost a year losing my weight the first time... then ended up with it all back plus some. I wish one of my friends or family would have said something.. even to the effect of "you worked so hard on getting yourself healthy, just remember all the time you spent on it". I dunno.. just something.

If your guys are close enough maybe don't bring up the noticeable gain, but just what you see her eating? This really is a tough situation. If it were me gaining the weight I wish someone would have said something.

BUT someone more sensitive may not have a good reaction.

Good luck with this and I hope you can find a way to help her.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:33 AM   #6
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Honestly, if I were her, I'd be ticked if you brought it up. She may be out of control because she started eating the wrong things which is bringing back old cravings. She may be trying not to eat bad things but isn't succeeding at the moment.

I don't know, but I've never gotten out of control myself and said, "Gee, I wish my husband (or whoever) had said something." I've NEVER had that thought. But my husband has certainly been the recipient of having his head bitten off for telling me I didn't need a hot fudge sundae.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:35 AM   #7
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I would say something. I'd do it in as kind a way as possible, and not just out of the blue. I'd wait until you're discussing food, restaurants, cooking... and just the two of you!... and I'd first ask a question: "How is your weight doing? I notice you've been eating out more than before." This gives her an opportunity to decide how to respond. If she says, "Great! No problem!" then you know she's in denial OR she doesn't want to talk to you about it. You can then say, "Oh... Well, that's good." And change the subject.

If she says, "I don't know--I think I've been gaining some, but I haven't weighed," you can then say, "I wondered if you had. Maybe you ought to check." That tells her that you've noticed.

If she says something like, "Well, actually, I've been gaining, I feel out of control," then you can commiserate with how hard it is, and mention that you would hate to see her regain after how hard she worked to lose. And you can ask if there's anything you can do to help.

I have a friend who has recently regained almost all the weight she lost, and I've gained several pounds myself. So we are buddying up to try to "stem the tide" of further weight gain for the next 4 months.

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Old 02-24-2010, 11:35 AM   #8
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Like you probably can guess, I'm pretty sure she's noticed as well. I mean, if you notice then she's aware. HOWEVER, it's really hard sometimes to take that first step of reversing it. If I were her, I would want you to talk to me about it. I wouldn't feel comfortable coming to you for help, but if you gently offered, I'd like to think I would take it. As you said, this is a very sensitive subject (especially for us women) so you'll have to approach with care and concern. If you think she'd respond better to something subtle... maybe something along the lines of... "You've been hanging out with your new boyfriend a lot lately! That's really cool. I know when mr so-and-so and I started dating I was so into him that I kind of forgot to eat healthy all the time. You know, with someone else on my my mind, hehe." If she's more of a straight forward kind of girl... "Of course I don't mean to be rude and I'm certainly not the expert here... but I noticed you've gained a little weight recently. I know it's hard to stay slim sometimes so if you need anything, I'm here."

For sure though, after gaining weight myself... I would definitely want my friend to approach me and say something. It's easier to fix 5 pounds than it is to fix 50, if you catch my drift.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:39 AM   #9
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Right now, I think her behavior is bothering you a lot more than it's bothering her. Because she is showing you what could happen to you. Very easily.

So ... the only way I can even **imagine** you doing this is by inviting her out for "something healthy" and talking to her about healthy choices in a very, very general way. See if she "bites" (har, har) and wants to talk about it further, but change the subject if there is no sign of interest in her eyes or if she appears to want to avoid the subject.

Otherwise, you just have to deal privately with your own fears, which you see realized in her situation & in her body.

If I've learned one thing from this board, it's that people who lose weight or keep it off are self-motivated & that their drive comes from a very deep place within. And no person's talk with them or assistance can help them. This is just not an external thing. The fight is too long & hard. You cannot really help her. Unless **she* approaches you seeking help & tells you exactly what she needs from you.

You may just have to accept that there is nothing you can do for her, only what you can do for yourself to make yourself mind it less.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:39 AM   #10
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That's the thing. I keep imagining myself and how *I* would react if somebody told me something. While yes, I think I would want to know that I was noticably gaining, I'd be shocked, humiliated, offended, and hurt if somebody said anything.

Maybe I'll start a friendly challenge. First one to lose 10lbs or something. That way I don't have to bring it up that she's gained weight, it would just bring the focus back to losing, lol.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:40 AM   #11
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Do you think she's unaware that she's gaining?

Look, her reasons for overeating are hers. But IMO, there is NO WAY that this is just "sneaking up on her" if her clothes are getting tighter She knows. You telling her that YOU noticed too is only going to make her feel more terrible than she already does.

What you CAN do is invite her to do healthy things with you, like going for a walk/hike/rock climbing excursion or to come over and cook a meal together (then you set the menu so that meal is healthy and delicious). That might be enough to remind her what it feels like to treat her body well.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:45 AM   #12
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saef, I posted before I saw your post. And absolutely, I even meant to mention that in my original post. Ever since I found out that she had lost so much weight and maintained, I've looked up to her in a way. She's experienced and did an awesome job of getting it off. And so yes, watching her fall of the wagon hits close to home because I know it could so easily happen to me.

One of the reasons I mentioned her eating the pizza in the empty room is that is something I absolutely recognized in myself. I'd sneak food away and snarf it down alone because I was ashamed.

So yes, my concern is this situation is as selfish as it is for my friend. That's also why I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and how or if I would want somebody to approach me about it.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:48 AM   #13
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EESH. Talk about between a rock and a hard place. I think if you did it well, you could mention it... but I would be SO SO careful. I would have wanted someone to tell me(other than my mothers "Jeez, Cris... you've been packing on the pounds haven't you?) like a best friend or a sister, maybe. But a casual friend? Absolutely not!!

I think the challenge thing has merit. Definitely workable.. and if it makes it easier, you could mention what a 'tough time' you are having with the last 10 pounds (or whatever...) and how her journey really inspired you and you'd love it if she could do the challenge along with you, you know... for support! Thats how I would do it.

Good Luck.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:53 AM   #14
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And it may be less "stressful time" than "new boyfriend" going on. New relationships can cause considerable weight gain if you're not careful, because that relationship and spending time becomes your focus, instead of food/healthy eating/exercise, at the same time as you're exposed to new temptations. Which can work itself out over time, or can become a long-standing problem. But I wouldn't assume that because she's gaining weight she "needs to talk" or is having a rough go of it...happy emotions can lead to overeating as well.
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Old 02-24-2010, 12:13 PM   #15
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I wouldn't say anything, only because I would be crushed if anyone ever said anything like that to me. I'm also insanely sensitive about my weight (I'm actually much better than I used to be! But I still need to be the one to mention it, I would never want anyone to say anything to me). I like the idea of a challenge, or some other way of motivating her besides confronting her directly.
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