You know, people around us really do get tired of hearing about weight loss all the time, and not just men. Maybe simply don't talk about it so much. You can always come to 3FC and get lots of cheers for your efforts.
Jay
I have found this to be absolutely true. I have one friend I email almost ALL DAY LONG--she is trying to lose weight too-- and now have this site. Where thats all anyone talks about.
When I was quitting smoking, its all I did. QUIT SMOKING. I talked it, ate it, slept it and my husband got tired of it about three weeks in. He said to me "Is this ALL you are going to talk about... aren't you OVER it by now?"
It REALLY hurt my feelings. I found an online support forum and I needed them for 18 months.
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Originally Posted by Lori Bell
I really think it's pretty common for spouses/significant others to develop some sort of insecurities when the other is going through some sort of transformation. I know that you are not "looking", but MOST affairs begin (or coincide) with a transformation...Know what I mean? It's the "first sign" according to experts. Matter of fact, I know several "cheaters" and the very first thing they ALL did was lose weight. So, I guess my point is, I can see why your hubby is nervous.
I have found that to be true for myself. My husband lost thirty pounds this past summer and actually weighs less than I do. Talk about INSECURE! I was so aggravated! Mad because he did it by eating fried egg sandwiches, skipping lunch and limiting his sodas to two at supper.
Then when he finished I noticed he was HOT...and if I saw it, so would everyone else!! OH NOES!
I finally apologized for my snarkiness and now I fully support his efforts. Do unto others, right?
Me too, just under slightly different circumstances. My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years now and in the early years *I* was the hot one. I turned heads and I knew it -- and yes, you know what, I DID like it. Over the years I've gained upwards of 75 pounds. It hurts even to TYPE that. And, as men often do, he's only gotten BETTER looking. So in the past year or so (I gained about 40 of those lbs in 2009) when we get ready to go out and we're both in the bathroom surrounded by mirrors I can't help but look at the two of us and be SAD and mad and depressed and disgusted and a myriad of other emotions. He's an attractive man who used to have an attractive woman to be proud of. Now he's an attractive man walking around with a woman who could darn near be rolled down the sidewalk like a ball.
One thing I've discovered, which may be interesting: When my life is very full of other interests, I mean comfortably full, not stressfully full, I continue to execute all the right behaviors of eating healthily & keeping my weight down, but I think about it less & am less liable to talk about it. People who hang out with me are going to hear about the play I saw in Boston, the movie I'm planning to see this week, the article I read last night, the kids I saw playing in the snow the other day. When I turn outward, toward my experience & observations of the larger world -- rather than inward, overly focused on what I weigh, what I eat & how I exercise -- it's a sign my life is in balance. And people respond to that.
Well said. That is what I aim for. I think sometimes one has to really focus on a big change, even if for a time it displaces other good things in life. Sometimes that's necessary to tackle a problem. But ultimately, in the long term, I use a conception of my life that is very like what you just described to test whether something (like the role of food in my life) is helping me or holding me back. Because it's not so much the actual food behavior (weighing daily, counting calories, restricting certain items, etc.) that is the criteria, but the effect. The same behaviors can be super healthy for one person and represent imbalance disorder for someone else.
New here, obviously, but I thought I'd put in my two cents, because my first reaction was a bit different. It was the part where you said there were other stresses in the relationship. I've noticed that when I'm upset with my husband over other, bigger things, I tend to get snappy about things I don't really care about. Is it possible he is doing something similar? That this is an easier thing for him to "attack" than the real issue?
Also, in regards to support, I've had issues of jealousy crop in. My husband went from not working to a temporary job in retail, and he just started dropping pounds. We were pretty much equally over weight before, and part of me was very annoyed he was losing weight when I wasn't. Especially since he was losing it without effort. It was hard for me to encourage him further, and even though I was still happy for him. I probably wouldn't have been very pleasant if he (even unintentionally) rubbed it in my face. Could jealousy be a factor?
Lastly, in very bad relationships, a husband prefers his wife to be low on self-confidence and sad. It makes you easier to manipulate and emotionally abuse. I sincerely hope that's not the case. It also could be a combo- maybe he's jealous of your self-confidence?
After my oldest daughter was born, I got serious about losing weight, and I had the experience of my dh telling me that he was worried about my health because I was losing so much weight! Here I was living on fruit and vegetables and exercising for an hour a day and he thought I was sick! After some serious talking with him, I figured out that it was just that he was a man, MY man, he was hard wired to take care of me and our children, and any reason to believe that I may not be ok genuinely was a cause for concern. Maybe that is some of what is going on with your guys, and they can't quite find the words? Best of luck!
Thanks everybody. I've been mulling over this for a while and just got off the phone with a counselor- I will be attending marriage counseling by myself starting next week.
Like some of have said, I don't think the weight loss is the REAL issue anymore. I guess it's just the straw that broke the camel's back. And guess what??! I've been working my butt off and there's no way, no how I am going to let somebody, my husband or otherwise, get in the way of me being happy and healthy. Unfortunately, if my weight loss is going to open up this can of worms in our marriage, then it wasn't strong enough to being with and I'm just going to have to attend counseling and let this run it's course.
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Originally Posted by Gold32
Lastly, in very bad relationships, a husband prefers his wife to be low on self-confidence and sad. It makes you easier to manipulate and emotionally abuse. I sincerely hope that's not the case. It also could be a combo- maybe he's jealous of your self-confidence?
I'm starting to think what Gold said is ringing true. When I come home from work he says things like, "How many teachers hit on you today" in a snarky tone and I keep catching him checking my phone. He also reminded me last night when I was trying to calmly encourage him to attend therapy with me that without him, I'm nothing and I don't bring the income in, therefore, if we divorce, I will be leaving with no possessions bc he bought everything we have.
I'm starting to think what Gold said is ringing true. When I come home from work he says things like, "How many teachers hit on you today" in a snarky tone and I keep catching him checking my phone. He also reminded me last night when I was trying to calmly encourage him to attend therapy with me that without him, I'm nothing and I don't bring the income in, therefore, if we divorce, I will be leaving with no possessions bc he bought everything we have.
Thats downright creepy. Stay strong, and DEFINITELY attend the counselor. That sounds abusive. Degrading you, checking up on you... Hang in there!
I still have about ten-fifteen more pounds to lose, but my boyfriend insists I'm turning into nothing but "skin and bones." Makes me wonder how he views me (I still view myself as being a bit chubby). I don't listen to his comments, though. I'm determined to lose these last few pounds...
You know, people around us really do get tired of hearing about weight loss all the time, and not just men. Maybe simply don't talk about it so much. You can always come to 3FC and get lots of cheers for your efforts.
Maybe simply don't talk about it so much. You can always come to 3FC and get lots of cheers for your efforts.
Hang in there!
