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Old 10-21-2009, 01:04 AM   #1
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Angry laughing on the outside, crying on the inside...

Lately i feel like im in a game of tug of war with my weight. Somedays im winning and other days i lose.im 21 years old and my mother still knows how to push my buttons, yesterday she asked me how many surgeries i had done.Well i didnt get it at first because i was thinking hello your my mother and you know i havent had any. Then i caught what she was looking at...my chest. I have a large natural chest and i was wearing a tube top what she was looking at was my strech marks. Well ill tell you i wanted to slap that smirk off her face, it wasnt funny.but i laughed it off. i had 3 shots to make it all better.
The night before that i was making a cake for my dads birthday and my grandpa told me, thats why your fat your always eating. of course he didnt know i was making it for his son but because im making it (the fat granddaughter) then of course im making it just for me.
the thing is this is the thinnest ive been in a long time. i told my mom how much i weigh now 245 and she just gave me a look that said o my god.. but when i told her how much i weighed before 294 i wished i could take it back. i mean im taking to a lady who is 170.she then gave me a speach about how i should really start exercising. I wanted to scream hello do the math i lost 49 pounds i am trying...
thanks for letting me vent i know they wont ever change my mother and grandpa have always been this way. i really do need to learn not to let it get to me but sometimes im human and it hurts.
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Old 10-21-2009, 02:37 AM   #2
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That`s shocking, for your closest family to be so abusive towards you! Reading something like that always makes me angry. You are addressing your weight, and you have come a long way already. Plus, it`s not their body anyway, it`s yours!

What do you usually respond when they come out with somethign like that? Do you really laugh? If they chose to do so, they may perceive this as permission to be cruel?
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Old 10-21-2009, 03:55 AM   #3
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I laughed... I was so shocked and upset at what she said i really didnt know what to do. i mean i am not a emotional person meaning i wont cry and say you hurt my feelings what i will do is bottle it up and deal with it when im by myself. i know its not good for a person to do this but growing up it was how i survived.
My mother and I have a rocky relationship. I am the middle child also the biggest. I hide my pain with humor. I often joke that im gonna need a shrink when i get older because of all my issues with my mother. People say i remind them of her and that is what scares me ....
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Old 10-21-2009, 05:55 AM   #4
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I laughed... I was so shocked and upset at what she said i really didnt know what to do. i mean i am not a emotional person meaning i wont cry and say you hurt my feelings what i will do is bottle it up and deal with it when im by myself. i know its not good for a person to do this but growing up it was how i survived.
My mother and I have a rocky relationship. I am the middle child also the biggest. I hide my pain with humor. I often joke that im gonna need a shrink when i get older because of all my issues with my mother. People say i remind them of her and that is what scares me ....
Thats really sad I know exactly where you are coming from only I am twice your age. I haven't spoken to my mother in 6 years because of the things that you mentioned my Mother would constantly down all my efforts to get healthy and lose weight. I would confront her with these mean comments as she said them in an effort to make her realize how much it hurt me but after years of hearing the ugly comments I just couldn't take it anymore and toward the end of our relationship she started on my marriage which is a great one by the way that was the last straw. I am the youngest of 5 kids with over 6 years between myself and my sister and it took me til my mid 30's to realize she was ruining my life. I am not by any means saying you should break the ties with her but maybe you should let her know how it hurts not to have her support and hopefully she will change her ways. unfortunately mine would not accept how hateful she was to me or do anything to change it but I look back now that I am older and I now know why my older brothers and sister have no contact with her either. I still to this day wish I had a Mother to share my lifes up's and downs with but thats not going to happen. I really hope if you decide to have a long talk with your Mom about this she will make the effort to be more supportive and not so judgemental.
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Old 10-21-2009, 06:32 AM   #5
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Yeah i confronted her once she said she only told me thoes things because she loved me and was only trying to help me.I understand what you mean about wanting to be able to confide in your mother and knowing in your heart you cant. Im glad you were able to cut ties with your mother. I must admit i tried i didnt talk to her for 6 months everyone looked at me like i had done something wrong after all she is my mother.She gave me life so i should be eternaly obediate .. lol yeah right. I finally gave in and bite the bullet so i would be able to see my younger brother. He still lives with her and I know how hard that is. Im trying hard to see the good in her but sometimes i really cant.
I need to refocus and stop letting this stress me out even though its a big trigger to me overeatting. Thank you for telling me your story i needed a friend that would give me listening ear instead of telling me to stop having a pity party.
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Old 10-21-2009, 07:08 AM   #6
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you are right she is your mom and she gave you life but how would she feel if you said the same hurtful things to her? I am sure she wouldn't appreciate it. how is the relationship between your mom and your grandmother? I ask because the nutt doen't fall too far from the tree. in my case my Mother didn't have a relationship with her mom either for the same reasons at first I thought it was my fault that she was so mean then as I got older I figured out that there is a reason why my brothers and sister don't want anything to do with her. its funny my mom used to tell me if I couldn't say something nice to not say anything at all I guess she should practice what she preaches. anyway my circumstances are probably differant from yours I grew up a ward of the state and bounced around from foster home to foster home and I didn't live with her until I was a pre teen and I loved her so much for finally getting me out of the hands of the system but at the time I had no idea that she was the reason I was there in the first place this kind of stuff can really mess with your head. my mother always told me things like I was a camping accident I wasn't planned oh well I'm here.just keep trying to make her see how much the negitive comments affects your life and progress and you need her support. hopefully she will come around better yet maybe right all the feelings in a letter to her something she can read and reread. you are young so keep trying I wish you only the best! Cindy
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Old 10-21-2009, 08:05 AM   #7
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Oh, Tiara. I am so, so very sorry. I don't know why family thinks its okay to throw barbs like that. I had comments like that from my biological mother on a daily basis for years. Where it came to an end for me is that began spilling into comments about my kids and my husband. I decided to cut her off like cancer. I have never, ever regretted it. I know she has brain damage (was a severe alcoholic for years) but I simply couldn't allow her abuse to go further. Btw, looking back now I realize is was total jealousy on her part.

Do yourself and your weightloss a HUGE favor. DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH HER. I would actually go so far as to tell you not to discuss w/anyone but definitely, definitely NOT HER. She is not safe outlet for you and your health is just too important to risk.
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Old 10-21-2009, 08:19 AM   #8
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I know how you feel and it's absolutely crushing emotionally when the one person you rely on most for support, is actually the one person who puts you down - and most likely partly the reason why we're overweight in the first place.

I'm reading a great book at the moment called The Gabriel Method, and one of the things it looks at is why you are overweight and subconsiously thinking it is the 'safe' thing for you. You could have knocked me over with a feather when one of the topics was 'rebellion'. I think in a lot of ways, that's what I've done with my mother. It's like "Okay, you want me to be thin, so just to piss you off I'm going to be real fat". But at the end of the day, that is really cutting your nose off to spite your face. The only real person that it's hurting is you.

I've never been an emotional person either, and neither is my mother, but in the midst of some major screaming matches I have managed to get some insight into why she is the way she is towards me. I think having married and had children so young (first baby at 17) and not had a career, or the options we do these days, she's almost resentful towards me that I have this opportunity to have a 'dream' life, to create it in whatever way I like, and I have not made the most of it by being fat.

Her other major thing is telling me I won't get the guy I want, I may not get married or have kids because I'm overweight. I think because that's all she's ever had in her life, she thinks settling down should be the number one priority for me too. And in a selfish way, she wants to be the mother of a girl who's getting married and she desperately wants grandchildren. My brothers have kids but she says it's not the same, she wants her daughter to have them.

Like yours, my mum has also told me she says these things because she loves me and wants to encourage me to lose the weight. In a strange way, I really do believe this is true. And I do believe it's true of your mother too. She does love you, she wants the best for you, but she's just going about it the wrong way. She's letting her frustrations get the better of her and instead of actually saying calmly "I want you to be happy, and I don't think you are because of the extra weight you're carrying", she says hurtful things, thinking this will spur you into action. Instead it leaves you reaching for the cookie jar, or going through McDonalds drive thru like me.

So when your mother says this stuff to you, remember it is because SHE has issues, not you. You are doing BRILLIANTLY, you've lost so much weight it's incredible! Keep telling yourself you are doing this for you, not her, not anyone else in your family. You are the only person you have to answer to. If she starts on you about your weight, be the bigger person (no pun intended) and just say calmly, "Mom, if it's okay, I'd rather not discuss my weight issue with you". If she keeps pressing, another good one is "I can see talking about it makes you upset/angry, but I'm actually happy with how I'm going so I really don't want to see you get worked up about it". That really puts it back on her and makes it look like she is the one with the problem, not you.

Sorry for the massive response, but your post really hit a nerve and I wanted to get all that off my chest. Very therapeutic for me too, thanks for listening!
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Old 10-21-2009, 09:49 AM   #9
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Hey, Tiara,
Like the other responses, I can also relate to the cruel mother situation. Mine isn't as obvious, but it's the 'concerned little comments' that drive me nuts...My whole life I've never been good enough - I was 'SO like your father' (and that was never a good thing). My stepdad ignored me and when I raised the subject I was told, "well, you did make it very difficult to love you when dad moved in".... I was TWO. So I grew up, the oldest of four girls, and always the odd one out...the one that never quite fit in with this perfect, happy, earth mother type family. And that was always MY fault.

It took me YEARS of therapy (and meds) to figure out that I needed to - and could - let it go. My therapist did this awesome thing with me,where she asked me to write down the things I felt were my best qualities. That was really hard for me, as I'm not good at finding things good about me. In the end we came up with a few between us...things like, my sense of humour, my intelligence, my sensitivity, that I'm a good mom. She then said, 'so, does your mom have a good sense of humour'. That made me laugh, as she has NO sense of humour. She went through all of them and asked, 'so, does your mom do this'. When it got to 'is your mom a good mom' my immediate response was 'yes'. She just looked at me for a long time, and I finally said, 'well, ok, not to me, but she's a great mom to my sisters'. Her response was, 'to be a good mom, should you not be good to ALL your children' and when i agreed, she said, 'so is she a good mom?'. At the end of the session she said, 'so, all these things you've listed as things you prize about yourself are all things you hold dear - things you value as important in people...and your mom has none of these things'. Then she said, 'so, why does it still bother you what she says or thinks, when she's obviously someone who doesn't share your ideals and values?'. It was like a light went on...literally a life altering moment. This moment of "WOW".

I'm very nearly 40 and it took me till my early 30's to accept that my step dad didn't like me, let alone love me (my mom always said, 'well....he's very FOND of you'), and to stop trying so hard to make that change. And I was in my late thirties when I realised that my mom was not someone I'd choose to be close to if she weren't my mom...that we have nothing in common, and no shared values...and that I didn't need, or even want, anymore, her approval or validation.

My depression is genetic as well as based in the fact that as a small child, no-one really loved me...I grew up believing I was unlovable and worthless...and if ever you asked my mom she'd be horrified that I felt that way....then she'd be angry and start on about how 'oh, that's Joanna, she's always been melodramatic that way, just take it with a pinch of salt'. Now, I'm finally able to say...'whatever' and move on. The sense of liberation is huge - let me tell you. I still have contact with all my family (they all still live in Europe and I'm in Canada) but I can take it or leave it. I don't need their validation anymore, and in not needing that, I'm less bothered by their thoughtless, careless comments.

I'm sorry - I'm posting huge here, but I wanted to try to show you that this stuff passes. Whatever her reasons for being that way, you don't need to buy in to it. Because a person is a mother does not make them automatically a good, or nice, or pleasant, or caring person. We're still just human. Should we be petty and vindictive and cruel to our kids? NO - but some mothers are. And that's about HER, not you.

I agree with the post earlier about saying, "you know, I'm doing ok on this myself, and if it's ok with you, I'd prefer not to discuss it with you". Take back the power - she only has it if you let her, so make it your own again!

You're strong enough to lose 49lbs - I bow to you - that's awesome! And that makes me know you're strong enough to stop her in her tracks.

Remember - I am woman, hear me roar!!
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Old 10-21-2009, 10:07 AM   #10
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I agree with Havisham, however when seen thru eye's of someone who has no other living family besides the Mother its much harder to just let it go.
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Old 10-21-2009, 10:11 AM   #11
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I agree with Havisham, however when seen thru eye's of someone who has no other living family besides the Mother its much harder to just let it go.
Oh, no, I didn't mean 'let it go' as in sever ties. I know that's what's needed for some people, but not what I wanted. I still have a relationship with them, and am even what some would call close to them all. What I let go of was being affected by whatever they said. I made it clear that I'm not going to discuss my personal battles (depression, weight, whatever) with them. Then they can't be dismissive or negative, and I don't have to be mad at them.

I love my mom - she drives me nuts, but I do love her. I just needed, for me, to stop needing her approval on anything. I was just beating a dead horse and causing myself additional pain. So I cut out what didn't work, and left what did...and so far, it's going fine.

Sorry for any confusion!
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Old 10-21-2009, 10:20 AM   #12
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Tiara, that sounds awful. I can relate in many ways. What I remind myself is that I will not allow anyone to speak to me that way and the only way to change things is to change MY response because she will not/cannot change herself.
So, when the talk gets even the littlest bit abusive or inappropriate I hang up the phone or end my visit. Calmly and quickly. Works wonders for behavior modification
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Old 10-21-2009, 07:04 PM   #13
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Whip1.. to answer your question my mother was adopted. She later found her birth mother.Her relationship with her adoptive mother is a rocky one, Her adoptive siblings refuse to have anything to do with my grandmother. But my mother even though she has issues with her she continues to keep in contact with her. Its like a child wanting the approval of her mother.Her birth mother is still alive but lost in her own world...she has altimerz. I see the relationship she has with her mother and i cant help but think is this what im destined to have. Always wanting to be accepted.

When i was growing up i was a handful, she couldnt handle me and after things got physical one day i left. I stayed with my aunt for a while then when school started up i went to live with my dads parents. I lived with them for a while untill she was ready to deal with me again. then i got the suprise of my life when i went to vist at the family house i learned that my mother had told my older sister to pact up my things and i would now be living back with my parents. I was so upset i felt betrayed. But i was totally helpless because at the time i was 17 and still underage.I remember once we were having a fight and she yelled through my door i wish i never had you. she then kicked the wall leaving a hole in it. When i told my dad what she had said she denied it but yet he believe me. I will always love my dad because he believe me he gave me his trust in a time when I losing faith in adults.

I really dont talk with my mother about my weight but on that day I was so happy because i was finally getting somewhere and i was proud of myself. I was like a child wanting her mothers approval and what i got was put down.
im gonna be taking your advise i will keep this close to my heart and not disscuss this with anyone in my family. I like that i can come to you guys and express my feelings in a way i cant with the people around me. it really does help.
ive been thinking about what my mother said and i realised that it hurt so much because it brought me to a place in my past where i was very vulnerable. But you know what im taking back the power she has over me and im gonna prove them wrong and accomplish my weight loss journey....
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Old 10-21-2009, 10:36 PM   #14
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I have the same issue with my mother, she is a size 8 and she wears all my old clothes and she loves to make jokes about my weight because I guess it makes her feel prettier. My father calls me his little water bed, these things seem like jokes to them but it really hits hard mostly because of where its coming from.
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Old 10-22-2009, 03:48 AM   #15
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Yeah i confronted her once she said she only told me thoes things because she loved me and was only trying to help me.
I got that from my dad (that was when I was a teenager - fortunatelly, he stopped attacking my body when I grew up), but I think it`s more like an excuse to torment the child.

I`d definitely explain that this is *not* helpful and why.

Who knows - she may be jealous of your youth - that happens.

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