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DH is cheap! Rant-ish

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Old 10-17-2009, 02:52 PM   #1
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Thumbs down DH is cheap! Rant-ish

A few months ago, when I started my journey, I was looking at dumbells at wal mart. My hubby didn't like the price of the dumbells they had so he pointed to these 'adjustable' ankle/wrist weights that you just wrap around and you can add the little sand packets to make it heavier up to 5 pounds. I really didn't like the look of them, but I decided not to insist on an actual dumbell and just make him happy. I've been using them a lot and I've maxed them out. I need more than 5 pounds!

So when we went to walmart last night, I start looking in the dumbell section again and once again he points to the cheaper stuff. An exact replica of what I already have but instead of only 5 pounds it goes up to 10. I am DONE with that crap! the velcro scratches my arms and knuckles all to he** and they are unstable and have dropped the little sand bags out almost on my toes. They are crap crap crap! And I feel like I've endured them long enough to deserve an actual pair of dumbells!

And since I've been looking at getting Chalean Extreme (a weight training dvd set), I want to save us some money in the long run and get the bowflex select tech ones instead of having to buy pair after pair of bigger and bigger dumbells. You can imagine how my DH is reacting, considering he didn't want to spend 20 dollars for a real set of dumbells.

I haven't really been doing much weight training yet and I want to start getting serious about it because I've read how beneficial it can be and I want to give my body the best chance at being strong and fit. I honestly don't think I'm being unreasonable by wanting these dumbells because we can afford it! We won't go without food or miss paying a bill if we spring for these and that is exactly how he is acting.

When he was building his very own road bike, he wouldn't think twice about dropping 150-300 bucks for a part he needed but when it's something for me he wants to get all frugal.

I have a job, I also contribute to the fundage and I feel like I should be able to splurge once in a while....RAR

Sorry it was looong I needed to get it out.
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Old 10-17-2009, 03:03 PM   #2
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Mr. Sunni acts that way too until I explain to him why I don't like something or that I read negative reviews (that ALWAYS wins him over, he's super big on reviews) that said A, B and C. I don't know your DH at all or the convos you guys have had, but have you tried appealing to his logical side? Maybe all he hears from you is "I want THIS!" but without a reason? Once you mention all the knuckle scraping and inconvenience, then he might come around.

I have to say it does suck being a financial contributor to the family and still having to justify a purchase. Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? Maybe insist on it as a present? OR you could wait until Black Friday and get it for a discount then... Thanksgiving's not too far away... Hope it works out!
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Old 10-17-2009, 03:14 PM   #3
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Sunni,

That is some good advice! I do have trouble communicating sometimes when he wants to automatically say no. I tend to clam up and get all pouty. (I swear I'm not 2 years old! lol!!!) I think I will work on a list of all the pros and explain to him why I don't like the other ones. I will even shop around online to find the best deal.

And as for special days coming up that is another excellent idea. Our anniversary is dec 28th X mas is coming up and my b day is in february. So that should take care of everything I need, lol. I'm just impatient sometimes and I hate to wait.

Thanks for the advice! We've only been married a year and 9 months so we're both still learning about sharing the finances.
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Old 10-17-2009, 03:17 PM   #4
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I don't work and if I wanted them I would get them so as aworking, contributing partner you have every right to get them. After ten years my hubby knows better than to say something.

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Old 10-17-2009, 03:23 PM   #5
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My husband is a bit the same way. He's not even aware that he's doing it. When he wants something, he doesn't compare the cost like I do. I am much more frugal, and generally do look for the best price. I really think hubby is just jumping on the bandwagon, and thinking "oh I can help her find the best price, because the best price is important to her."

(I'm not saying that this is true of your husband, maybe he is a tightwad for anything that isn't important to him).

I tend to interpret it as he's being cheap when it comes to something for me. Which causes an argument (or the silent treatment from me). I'm learning to just say "this is the one I want," and repeating it until he gets it.

We are both on disability so we do tend to do everything together. I have lousy hand-eye coordination and balance so I don't drive. Our new apartment though is very close to the bus stop, so I'm planning on doing alot more shopping alone, so I don't have to justify every purchase (because I feel the need to. When hubby asks "what do you need that for," he says he's only being curious, but I tend to interpret it sarcastically and as a criticism. Shopping alone will be much less stressful).

I think that for big purchases, couples should discuss the expense/budget, but if an item is for, or primarily going to be used by only one person - that person gets to pick it out.

If shopping alone is an option, I'd vote for that. It's one thing to discuss the budget ahead of time, and together decide on a certain amount for the purchase, but sometimes it easier to shop alone than with a significant other. If shopping alone isn't an option, or you don't like the idea, reminding him of the cost of HIS toy purchases is not unfair unless you do it in a nasty way.
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Old 10-17-2009, 03:41 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EveLHaelf View Post
Thanks for the advice! We've only been married a year and 9 months so we're both still learning about sharing the finances.
I would recommend a joint account, to which you both contribute and how it if comes all household/couple expenses - mortgage, groceries, utilities, insurance, going out together.

Then, you each get a personal account, with a portion of your paycheck going into it each month. That is your money to do with whatever you will. It's also great for holiday shopping for the other person.

No more asking permission for small, personal expenses.
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Old 10-17-2009, 03:50 PM   #7
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Aww sorry! My boyfriend thinks buying bottled water is a waste of money because he doesnt mind the tap water and I cant stand it so I go without it. But on the lines of the dumbells I just went out and bought them and they have been sitting around now for a couple days and he hasnt asked and I havnt told! haha

I would just go buy them, especially if you have a job and your own money! Im pretty independent though so yea...lol

Goodluck! Hope you get a good set of dumbells! =)
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Old 10-17-2009, 04:28 PM   #8
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we just sold a weight set on craigs list so I suggest you check that out and freecycle and see if you can find what you want for less money
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:00 PM   #9
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You've only been married a short time so I am assuming that you are also young (big assumption, I know, so please forgive me if you're not a young 'un! ). Here is my advice: I would nip this in the bud right now. You're working, but even if you were a SAHM, you have the right to have a little spending money of your own that you can spend on what you want, without having to justify it to anyone. I spent years in a relationship where I had to ask and justify every purchase, and I don't recommend that for anyone. You are an equal partner in your relationship and if you aren't, you should be. This isn't a parent-child relationship; this is a relationship of equals.

I like the idea of each person getting a personal allowance. It doesn't have to be huge, but that would definitely make these kinds of conversations moot because you wouldn't have to beg and ask (like a child) for something you want.

Grrrrrrrr. You can tell this is an issue for me! I'm kind of contrary so I'd probably buy the weights and then stare him down, daring him to argue about it. Maybe that's why I'm still single after all these years, LOL!!!
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:00 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glory87 View Post
I would recommend a joint account, to which you both contribute and how it if comes all household/couple expenses - mortgage, groceries, utilities, insurance, going out together.

Then, you each get a personal account, with a portion of your paycheck going into it each month. That is your money to do with whatever you will. It's also great for holiday shopping for the other person.

No more asking permission for small, personal expenses.

I agree, or get a portion out of each of your own checks in cash for misc purchases. With both of you working, you shouldn't have to justify $20.

DH and I have separate accounts. He pays some bills, I pay some and buy the groceries. It's all about equal. We collaborate on large extra expenses like tires, etc. Then, whatever we do with what's left is up to the individual.
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:32 PM   #11
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I don't think that DH is cheap. I think that he is controlling. And that needs to be dealt with.

This is something you have to settle NOW. This is not how it's supposed to be. If there is something that you need that is going to benefit both of your lives (& even if it WERE just something frivolous) like the weights, you shouldn't have to "ask permission" for it. No. No. No.

I urge you to discuss this with your DH and come to some sort of agreement. You're a big girl, an adult in fact. You are partners. This is not where he's the father and you're the child. He shouldn't be solely in charge of the money and/or you. Perhaps you may be better off with a joint account AND a separate account. Don't let this get out of hand.

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Old 10-17-2009, 07:07 PM   #12
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Smile Stop taking him shopping with you.

I would just say "I'm getting these" or better yet, "I got these".
There are a pair of shoes I want for walking, they are like 150.00, well, I went shopping for walking shoes the other day, because I literally wore my other ones out, and I paid 50.00 for a pair of "inferior" walking shoes, and am disappointed with them. Now if I would have just put that 50.00 towards the ones I really wanted, I would have comfortable walking shoes.
Now I have to wait a couple of weeks...and will save these shoes for wearing to the pool next summer.
I say, get what you want, you are more likely to use it.
I NEED good walking shoes, because I walk a LOT! I hope I never cheat myself again, and just get the stuff I really need and want.
I don't waste money in other areas, so this is not something that is a "regular" spending habit.
Plus, I don't think my husband would feel bad about spending that on a computer game.
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Old 10-17-2009, 09:47 PM   #13
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Men, mine is the same way and worse, that's why we are separating, I just can't take it anymore.
Good luck, and stand up for your rights now before years down the road you realize you have lost yourself.
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Old 10-17-2009, 11:12 PM   #14
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Yes, I am a young 'un! I'm 22.

I like the idea of having separate 'spending' accounts. I will be having a discussion with him about it.

I have, from time to time, gotten the impression of being the child asking daddy for permission. It really bothers me, but I'm not sure how to bring it up to him without starting a fight. He has used phrases in the past that went like: "Why should I spend $xxx amount of my money when the house chores aren't being done?"

Makes me wanna smack him.....
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Old 10-17-2009, 11:53 PM   #15
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Oh, Oh, OH! Do not start with me about "HOUSEHOLD CHORES"

If I can help you change a motor, haul the wheat to the elevator, run the level in the ditch to get our sewer lines(aka poo) running downhill, help you hook up the farm equipment, scoop my own snow cuz you're already at work, change a radiator and starter with only your directions over the phone, cuz you're out of town working, pull a calf, change a car battery, and on and on, DO NOT HARP TO ME ABOUT HOUSEHOLD CHORES! You taught me to do all these things, cuz you said I needed to know, (don't get me wrong, I'm glad I know), BUT, the stove, the washer, dryer, dog dish, dishwasher, vacuum, carpet shampooer, dust rag, window cleaner, are not friggin rocket science!

We BOTH WORK! Household chores need to be shared. My Dh is a big fan of fresh hashbrowns, I hate to peel potatoes, so he peels the potatoes. No big deal. HE"S happy to do it so he can have hashbrowns, HE will do laundry, load the dishwasher, (I never b***H about how he does it), take out the trash, vacuum, scrub the toto, dust, shake rugs, rub me down after a tough day at work, etc.

WE, both live here, WE both eat, WE both have dirty clothes, WE both have vehicles, WE both have laundry, WE both have jobs, WE brings me chicken soup and 7up when I'm sick, WE brings him ramen noodles and nyquil when he is sick, WE rub each others aching bodies after a hard day at work, WE take long relaxing bubble baths together, WE, puts up with my foster dogs, WE puts up with some of his dumb friends, WE both have to share in this journey as a married couple, therefore WE both have to be willing to pitch in and do whatever it takes to make the WE work. NO ONE CHORE should ever be gender based. And no one should be valued as more or less, in the relationship by the amount of money they make.

My Dh used to work out of town a lot! Like 6 mos. at a time, while I was at home with the kids, managing everything, I always did fine, yet he'd get home and whine about stuff, I finally had a fit and told him if he didn't like it, I hoped the door didn't hit him on the *** on the way out.

We've been married 32 years!
My biggest piece of advice is this, there is nothing wrong with compromise, but, DO NOT BE DOORMAT! People wipe their feet on doormats. If you let him treat you that way, so will everyone else.

It may be a tough pill to swallow, but my aunt, bless her, explained it wonderfully.

A marriage is NOT 2 people, it's 3. It's you, your spouse, and the marriage. The marriage is the 3rd person. You and your spouse need to be able to be the people you are as individuals, and weave the 2 of you into the 3rd person, the marriage. If you can't do that, it won't work.
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