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Cried on my birthday - friend said she liked me better when I was thin :(

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Old 10-12-2009, 10:18 AM   #1
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Angry Cried on my birthday - friend said she liked me better when I was thin :(

I had my 42nd birthday this past Friday. Thursday evening one of my best friends decided to tell me that my weight was really out of control and that she liked me better when she first met me and I was exercising and eating healthy. She said she thinks I am dating the guy I am dating because of my weight (he has some weight issues too). She said he is bottom of the barrell and that I am settling for him because of my weight. Truthfully he is a very nice guy and I really like him. He and I both talk about our need to lose weight but over the 5 months we have known each other neither of us has done much about it. I told him (part of) what she said (the parts that would not hurt his feelings) and he said she was right, that we do need to lose weight and that his friends tell him the same thing and that it is just because they care about us, but they forget that we are adults and can make our own decisions. I am motivated now to lose weight, but I am also upset with her because of the things she said about my decisions in life. Anyway....has anyone ever had anyone do something similar to them?
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:26 AM   #2
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Wow! She was a little too blunt for me! I too would be hurt. Only you can make the decision about losing weight and who you choose to date. I'm not so sure that she should have any say in it at all. Is she feeling hurt that you are not spending as much time with her since you've found your new man? She sounds more like a frenemy than friend and she was trying do a mean-spirited intervention on you.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:28 AM   #3
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I wonder, did she mean your personality changed? Or that she liked the way you looked when you were slimmer?

When I was at my heaviest I was also very depressed-- so I really was short with everyone and super irritated all the time. That was how my depression manifested itself. I also tended to isolate and be self-centered in all of my misery-- all in all, not a supportive friend.

I guess her statement needs to be clarified.

Regarding the bf, I am glad you have a nice guy!!!
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:36 AM   #4
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I just had something like this happen this last weekend, except it wasn't about weight, but something else entirely personal. Family visit and a few family members were debating and talking about my boyfriend, while he sat there, and some of the things that one family member said were absolutely insensitive and just out of bounds. Not that it was intentional, but to be honest, she put her foot in her mouth and I hope she realizes she should "edit" her words next time. lol. She basically was debating with ME and EVERYONE about my boyfriend like she knew him more than his own parents and oh me and him! lol.

I think sometimes people just do not think before they speak. I would be upset with your friend as well and to be frank, it isn't her place to say anything about who you date or what your decisions are. Not saying it was an intentionally malicious thing (though saying the guy you are dating is bottom of the barrel is pretty offensive), I agree she probably cares, but sometimes it is an important lesson to know when to shut up lol.

The thing is, if you are a true friend then you like someone because you like them. You're a grown woman, a beautiful one at that, and hearing what she thinks about who you are dating is absolutely out of bounds. Me, I would set up the boundaries and explain that it isn't up to her who you date or not. That is what I have learned from this last weekend, BOUNDARIES! I will no longer include my family friend in certain discussions because of her behavior she showed this last weekend. I'm not going to be mean about it, but I'll just adjust myself as needed and set up those boundaries.

You could talk to your friend, express your feelings, set up those boundaries. I think she clearly hurt you and on a day where you should have been there celebrating, happy birthday by the way, clearly she was out of bounds. A good talk might be good, I don't think you want to lose your friend. Besides she may not realize that you were hurt, sometimes people don't make that connection.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:39 AM   #5
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The bf sounds like a great guy and I think you and he will find the right way to better health. AS for the friend, I don't really consider someone who would say such hurtful things to be a friend. A friend likes us warts and all and will not say things to hurt us,
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:40 AM   #6
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This was exactly me when I was heavy...what kittycat said....

When I was at my heaviest I was also very depressed-- so I really was short with everyone and super irritated all the time. That was how my depression manifested itself. I also tended to isolate and be self-centered in all of my misery-- all in all, not a supportive friend.

I had a friend that told me how she felt about my fiance' back in 1983. I married him anyway, had two kids, and danged if she wasn't right about him. I divorced him after 21 years, should of been a lot sooner but was reluctant because of the kids, finances, etc. I cannot say every time, but a lot of the time, people on the outside can see better than those of us on the inside of a situation.

My guess is your friend thinks you let yourself go since obtaining this BF and neither of you take enough pride in yourselves to fix the weight issue.

Good luck with everthing.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:47 AM   #7
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standing in your friend's point of view, i somehow could understand how she feels.
If i have a best friend that gain a lot of weight and then date a guy that I consider isn't very good and I think that my friend deserve a much better guy than him, then I probably would want to do something for her just to remind her to take better choice in life.
But it could be that she means in another way... bad way.... but who knows...

Though it's true that she's quite blunt, and definitely if i was you I'd be hurt too. But I think she wants good things for you. At least that's the bright side that I think of.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:52 AM   #8
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Gosh, I think what she said was judgmental and unkind.

I'm assuming you don't choose your friends or boyfriends based on their weight.

Sure, some people may be both overweight and depressed, but not every overweight person is depressed, nor is every overweight guy a bad boyfriend.

IF you want to stay friends with this person, then you need to confront her directly and ask her what she meant...

She sounds like a frenemy to me.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:52 AM   #9
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I am not depressed or isolated - in fact I have been really enjoying my life. I asked her what the big deal is if I choose to not worry so much about my weight and date someone who likes me as I am and she just said, "No! you can't do that." I do want to lose weight to be healthier but I don't see myself choosing another man to date after losing weight. I have looked high and low for someone NICE. There are plenty of men out there to date and many of them are very shallow. I have been happy to find someone real, down to earth and kind.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:58 AM   #10
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Sounds like a very painful thing to hear. But, maybe it's kind of awesome that your friend was honest with you. I don't know her, so maybe she has a mean personality or should have expressed it more sensitively. But at the same time, it's such a blessing to have a friend who cares enough to say, I'm worried about your health and about your relationship and I wish you would value yourself more. Sometimes honesty hurts but helps; other times it just hurts

At any rate, I'm very sorry it was so discouraging and I'm sorry you had that experience.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:00 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by icmethinner View Post
I am not depressed or isolated - in fact I have been really enjoying my life. I asked her what the big deal is if I choose to not worry so much about my weight and date someone who likes me as I am and she just said, "No! you can't do that." I do want to lose weight to be healthier but I don't see myself choosing another man to date after losing weight. I have looked high and low for someone NICE. There are plenty of men out there to date and many of them are very shallow. I have been happy to find someone real, down to earth and kind.
Honestly...her comments to me sound like her values do not match your values and her comments are way out of bounds. I remember years ago my best friend at the time actually complaining about the guys I dated and I looked at her and said "that is NOT your decision, who I chose to date is MY decision." Setting up that boundary was beneficial at the time. She knew not to go there as they say. My friend had different values than me, so much so that she chose those values over many people including me. That is fine, whatever, but at the end of the day your happiness is the most important thing. A supportive and real friend knows that and even though at times that friend may say things or do things that are contrary to that, you should be able to say back off or etc and leave it at that. That is just what I think.

You're, your own person. Besides it sounds like you have your head screwed on just right! You seem to be making awesome decisions to me! lol. Great guy, you want to be healthy...sounds good.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:09 AM   #12
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Thanks for all the viewpoints (and compliments too) everyone, I really appreciate it. I think it is a combination - I think she did mean well, but I also think she and I have different values. I think she started out having something valid to say, but took it too far into areas that are not her business. She is in great shape and very attractive, but has not dated anyone in 5 years because she cannot find anyone she thinks is good enough to date.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:12 AM   #13
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Wow I mean I can understand her worrying about your weight and all and saying something- but unless your bf was abusive then she really should have left that alone!

I don't know about you but I probably wouldn't be spending time with this friend for a while.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:22 AM   #14
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Jacquie,

How have you done so well with your weight loss??? You have lost over 100 pounds?

Thanks so much for your input on my thread, I really appreciate it
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:41 AM   #15
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Ok obviously she said enough to hurt you. It sucks when you have a friend that makes health and healthy living a priority and then they don't anymore. They don't make the same decisions and its hard to watch and be around.

Also if you are a healthy person being around someone who doesn't care makes it it hard to hang out. My sister is like that. Now she is still naturally skinny but she HATES healthy food. Except for certain fruits and veggies....everything she hates is on the worst side of the scale. I find it hard to hang with her because its hard for me to stick to my healthy rules when she is eating crap.
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