It's not a tooth that is not quite ready to go. I don't see this as a problem which will resolve itself. It's more like a tooth that is infected and may heal itself but may also need a root canal if left untreated.
By the way ... I'm also not sure why you think I don't understand. I've been married 17 years.
I agree. Ignoring it isn't making the problem any better, if anything its getting worse, the feelings and frustration. I agree that for us, the time is near to handle it straight on and come what may. My husband is in his 30s and has the health profile of an old man, and the energy level. I'm already worrying about him dying young and being without him. I can't put into words what an amazing person he is, he is truly a diamond in the rough, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I wanted him to grow old with me and see our kids grow up. The way he is going, that will not happen. SO I'll take my chances with his anger if we go to a therapist, if I can get him to go.
My husband was on the same path. He was binge eating and when he'd get home, the kids got nothing but negativity from him. I wasn't to mention the food or he would be even worse. He would spend all his free time either watching sports or sleeping on the couch and snoring. I was miserable and I tried to be the best mom (and dad) for my kids, which isn't easy because I suffer from chronic daily migraines. Anyway, I told him that I'm very worried for his health and that I'm worried he will die and his kids will be left without a father. Nothing made a difference and he's completely anti therapy. He's actually a brilliant person and when he was a kid, he was a super athlete and academically gifted. I wasn't able to change anything but he was almost at 300 lbs. and only 5'10" and sleeping with a CPAP (which he still does).
Finally, he started trying to lose weight over the last few months. How? His brother is having a wedding and he was very embarrassed about his appearance. Now, I've started to make every effort to motivate him to continue on this path beyond the wedding and I'm praying it will stick because he's now so much better as a husband and a father.
If he ever slips back to his old ways, I"m going to tell him that what he's doing is selfish and unfair to us. It has NOTHING to do with how he looks for us. It has to do with his health and attitude. It doesn't matter that he was skinny and athletic as a kid. Things change. There are people who can't eat sugar like they used to because of diabetes or they lose their vision, limbs and even their lives.
Excuses are easy to invent and some excuses are actually quite valid. I had a wonderful excuse to binge and gain weight: chronic migraines and the abnormal MRI to prove it. I also have a son with special needs that are heart breaking. I have lots of good reasons to give up and not care, but I have to find more reasons to stay on track because the truth is that food never makes anything better in the long run. It's a short term drug of choice but it only exacerbates all the problems.
I really hope you find ways to help your spouses. I think often times they get angry because they don't want to hear the truth, much like drug addicts don't want to be told that they have a problem. We have to fight for our spouses to get on board with the health and they need to understand that we come from a place of love and kindness.
It's not a tooth that is not quite ready to go. I don't see this as a problem which will resolve itself. It's more like a tooth that is infected and may heal itself but may also need a root canal if left untreated.
By the way ... I'm also not sure why you think I don't understand. I've been married 17 years.
I didn't say you were wrong - only that it's a highly distasteful thing to do and will make for a VERY unpleasant day.
I know you're married - I only meant that you might not understand in a personal way if you haven't had to deal with an overweight spouse who was living in denial. Such as her commenting disparagingly on her weight at times, but doing nothing about it; having a brand new, shiny bicycle from Christmas, but always making excuses why she can never ride it; dealing with chronic high blood pressure; and suggesting that a lack of intimacy (if you know what I mean) may be a physical problem on my part.
My husband was on the same path. He was binge eating and when he'd get home, the kids got nothing but negativity from him. I wasn't to mention the food or he would be even worse. He would spend all his free time either watching sports or sleeping on the couch and snoring. I was miserable and I tried to be the best mom (and dad) for my kids, which isn't easy because I suffer from chronic daily migraines. Anyway, I told him that I'm very worried for his health and that I'm worried he will die and his kids will be left without a father. Nothing made a difference and he's completely anti therapy. He's actually a brilliant person and when he was a kid, he was a super athlete and academically gifted. I wasn't able to change anything but he was almost at 300 lbs. and only 5'10" and sleeping with a CPAP (which he still does).
Finally, he started trying to lose weight over the last few months. How? His brother is having a wedding and he was very embarrassed about his appearance. Now, I've started to make every effort to motivate him to continue on this path beyond the wedding and I'm praying it will stick because he's now so much better as a husband and a father.
If he ever slips back to his old ways, I"m going to tell him that what he's doing is selfish and unfair to us. It has NOTHING to do with how he looks for us. It has to do with his health and attitude. It doesn't matter that he was skinny and athletic as a kid. Things change. There are people who can't eat sugar like they used to because of diabetes or they lose their vision, limbs and even their lives.
Excuses are easy to invent and some excuses are actually quite valid. I had a wonderful excuse to binge and gain weight: chronic migraines and the abnormal MRI to prove it. I also have a son with special needs that are heart breaking. I have lots of good reasons to give up and not care, but I have to find more reasons to stay on track because the truth is that food never makes anything better in the long run. It's a short term drug of choice but it only exacerbates all the problems.
I really hope you find ways to help your spouses. I think often times they get angry because they don't want to hear the truth, much like drug addicts don't want to be told that they have a problem. We have to fight for our spouses to get on board with the health and they need to understand that we come from a place of love and kindness.
Thank you lucky mommy. I really helps to know that other people, especially other wives, understand how difficult this is. Its sounds like our situation is similar. My husband is a brilliant man as well. He is, in every other area of his life, motivated. He has overcome so much in life, and has set and achieved many goals, mainly academic. He tries to help around the house, and if not held back be physical fatigue, is involved with the kids. He truly is a terrifc husband, father, and person.
But his declining health, as a result of his weight, is robbing him of life and robbing us of him. My 3 year old puts on his own shoes, but needs them tightened (velcro) which requires bending over. Also he needed help with his jacket back during the cold months. My DH would tell him to do it himself and my 3 year old would get frustrated and cry and the shoes...they would fall off as he was walking to the car. I spoke to my husband about this, and it turns out my DH was avoiding bending down because his stomach is so big it is uncomfortable. It was such a mix of saddness and anger, that the kids should have any less of a parent because of his weight. So I do it. Even now 2 weeks from having a baby, and its really hard to bend over! I do it because DH gets so angry at my son because he cannot tighten his own shoes.
My huaband can not get out of bed in the morning, and its been like this for years. When I would go out for a morning run, I'd come home to the kids awake and unsupervised because he just sleeps all the time. With a new baby coming, I expressed my concern over how his sleep is more important than caring for the kids. (He has never helped with the babies at night because he will not give up any sleep. But this is so obviously from asleep apnea, of course he is exhausted! He is constantly falling asleep during the day. He snores so loudly that for several months he slept on the couch because it woke me constantly, AND whenever he woke me, I woke him. I missed him in bed so much that we tried again, and I think I will be talking to him about the couch again, since I am tired of being up from him at night and I will soon be up at night with a new baby, that I do not want to be woken up in the little time I will have by snoring. When I brought up about the sleeping, he said he would just get a cpap... and I talked to him about losing weight instead. But he just doesn't want to.
This is my last weightloss journey. We are done with kids after this. I fear that if he doesn't "jump on board" now that he never will. He has no concern abou his appearance. He says in his minds eye he is still thin, and has no concern for what others think of him. His health issues have not convinced him. I think at this point nothing will.
Last year when I was running, I was taking my oldest son running too. Of course it was more for fun, but as he's getting older, I'd love to see him get more into it. Plus he does soccer and karate. I look forward to sharing an active life with my kids, something I was never given as a child. I'm afraid that me and the boys, as the years go on, are going to start "living life" without my husband. Its like if we want to spend time with dad, it has to be at the movies or doing something sedentary. And then someday, we are going to have to watch him deal with all the health issues related to his obesity, and eventually bury a great man too early.
I would not care if my husband always carried a extra weight, as long as he was still able to be active and healthy. But right now that last he told me he was about 330 lbs? I really don't know for sure, that number is from 6 months ago at least.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 07-16-2013 at 04:07 PM.
He snores so loudly that for several months he slept on the couch because it woke me constantly, AND whenever he woke me, I woke him. I missed him in bed so much that we tried again, and I think I will be talking to him about the couch again, since I am tired of being up from him at night and I will soon be up at night with a new baby, that I do not want to be woken up in the little time I will have by snoring. When I brought up about the sleeping, he said he would just get a cpap... and I talked to him about losing weight instead. But he just doesn't want to.
Do you think his snoring is due to his increased weight?
Sleep apnea can damage the heart, so a cpap if it is needed, is needed immediately and shouldn't wait for weight loss.
Also, many people lose weight as a result of using a cpap. I thought my pulmonologist was nuts when he said I would probably lose weight without doing anything but use the cpap.
He was right though. Over the course of 6-8 months, I lost about 20 lbs without trying, even though I was almost bed-ridden.
The weight loss inspired me to try to lose more.
I owe my weight loss to the cpap, and I was able to stop using it when the apnea disappeared after losing only 35 lbs.
Sleep apnea can damage the heart, so a cpap if it is needed, is needed immediately and shouldn't wait for weight loss.
Also, many people lose weight as a result of using a cpap. I thought my pulmonologist was nuts when he said I would probably lose weight without doing anything but use the cpap.
He was right though. Over the course of 6-8 months, I lost about 20 lbs without trying, even though I was almost bed-ridden.
The weight loss inspired me to try to lose more.
I owe my weight loss to the cpap, and I was able to stop using it when the apnea disappeared after losing only 35 lbs.
Thank you, but my husband wont even go for the sleep study to get the cpap.
I have read studies that do show a relation between sleep habits and weight. However, even if that prompted a 20 or 30 lbs weight loss in him, it is still a band aid for the underlying issue. This is not someone that wants to lose weight and is lost or frustrated. This is not someone paralysed by depression or the over whelmed feeling of having some much to lose. I thought this was the case for many years, I thought he was harboring some of the feelings or challenges that go along with weight gain/lose as I knew them from having experienced it. But the more we've talked the more he is explaining to me he just doesn't feel like it. He has said the the work invovled in losing weight is too much and he doesn't want to.
I see the cpap for him as an enabling tool, not a door to starting down the weightloss path. I think this because he has expressed it. I know he'd feel better on it, he knows too, but wont be bothered going to a doctor for it. But when we talka bout having more energy and maybe being more active together, or using the cpap as a starting point to move forward on weightloss, he gets mad. He has made his position clear. He is going to eat himself to death, regardless of who he hurts in the process. Like my dad, who is a smoker, he gets mad if I bring it up. And he has stated clearly, he is going to smoke until it kills him, and if that means he misses watching his grandkids grow up that so be it. I don't understand it, but its not my choice to make.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 07-16-2013 at 06:07 PM.
Thank you both. Since DH and I had another failed talk just yesterday, and I think being so hormonal, I have been especially upset by this today. He is home tomorrow and its so hard to just act like everything is ok, when I'm so hurt. One day at a time I guess.
I wasn't to mention the food or he would be even worse. He would spend all his free time either watching sports or sleeping on the couch and snoring. I was miserable and I tried to be the best mom (and dad) for my kids, which isn't easy because I suffer from chronic daily migraines. Anyway, I told him that I'm very worried for his health and that I'm worried he will die and his kids will be left without a father. Nothing made a difference and he's completely anti therapy. He's actually a brilliant person and when he was a kid, he was a super athlete and academically gifted. I wasn't able to change anything but he was almost at 300 lbs. and only 5'10" and sleeping with a CPAP (which he still does). 
