Losing weight is a trigger for many of us. It forces us to take a look at our habits and our coping mechanisms or maladaptive ones. Yes, I have had similar problems. I've had BED for many years and was a bulimic for 1-2 years. I've starved, purged, binged, stuffed myself into oblivion where I was in a self-induced food comas, and other maladaptive actions. I understand the the self-hatred of your body. I was obsessed with the numbers on the scale. I understand the urgency of wanting to look normal or be thin and considered attractive by societal standards.
My last go around of losing 62 pounds I starved myself and ate very little. When I would eat, it was mainly unhealthy food. My hair started to fall out in clumps...not attractive and scared me. The results of my actions were having my gallbladder removed due the stringent dieting and binge-eating. It wasn't worth it, at all. Losing weight is NOT
worth your health. It took me 3 days in the hospital to realize that. Before my surgery, I really didn't care about the negative consequences.
The damage that we do to our bodies is not worth it. Try buying back your health once it is gone. Sweetie, we only have one body for a lifetime. We don't get to trade it in. Really think about if your actions are the best for your future or in the long term. For years, I struggled with the stupid numbers on the scale. I let it mess with my self-worth. It wasn't until my Anatomy and Physiology instructor stated certain consequences(damage) to my body. No, I haven't been perfect. It is a struggle everyday.
Your body needs the proper nutrients for our vital organs to function. Our brain needs carbohydrates to function properly. Please stop torturing your body.
What helped: having a food journal, counting calories, and follwing the ADA guidelines. I didn't realize I was addicted to sugar. Find out your recommended caloric allowance per day. Many successful weight loss losers preplan their calories the day before that will ensure success. LoriBell, cfmama, and Rockinrobin are successful weight loss losers that planned and won. I'm sure there are other people too. Eat enough and you will lose weight. Do this healthfully and you can lose it and keep it off. Weight training helps boost your metabolism too. If a scale is a problem, then use clothing as a better gauge. There is a way to do this without compromising your health.
"it's not happening fast enough- if you just skip one meal, two meals, three meals, it'll happen faster."
Fast does not equal better long-term. What are the consequences and who does it hurt? Focus on health, longevity...
It's making me depressed which is making me feel fat and ugly and that makes me want to binge- which will result in me purging.
Is bingeing and purging going to get you there(to your goal faster)? No. It is going to torture you and create a negative spiral downward, only to reinforce what you don't want. I know this is hard for you. You can do this. Focus on completing weight lifting and cardio instead of focusing on feeling ugly and fat. Redirect your thoughts to completion of eating enough calories a day and exercising--you will get there. My heart does go out to you. The best thing you can do is research the consequences of the bingeing, starving, and purging. Research the benefits of exercise. Switch the focus.
Check out the success stories.
I implore you to look deep inside yourself and ask, "Does the starving, bingeing, purging, and overstuffing make you happy? Does it make you feel good about yourself? What are some healthier choices you can engage in to prolong your life instead of destroying your body? Sorry for the length of this post. I know what it is like to be enslaved by habits that are destructive, foolish, and ruin our lives.
You can change your habits. Good luck.