Am I doomed to fail?
 

I hear time and time again that unless you're losing the weight for you it's not gonna stick and either you wont get there or you will and then put the weight back on or you won't be happy or whatever.

Well I can say that I do want to lose the weight for me, I know I feel so much better when I'm in shape and I love the self confidence too when I'm feeling better about my body and everything but I also really want to lose the weight because of my boyfriend. He's never made any comments about my weight but I know that he prefers a woman's shape that is fit and well muscled. He's a gym-rat himself and looks great. I've not really changed since we started dating 2 and a half years ago (only gone up and down about 10 pounds but more than once) so obviously my body and my weight aren't that big of an issue (I think). I just can't help thinking how much I want him to think that I'm hot and I want him to be proud of me and how much I want to feel comfortable when he sees me and I'm not wearing much clothes or we're in bed or whatever. It almost feels as if I want to lose the weight more because of him than because of myself and I'm worried that it means I'm going about this all wrong. I'm certainly not worried about him leaving because of the way I look, I know he loves me and as I've said he's never commented on my weight, he never really comments on other people's weight, he's never made made me feel badly about the way I look. It's all coming from me, my insecurities I guess.

Maybe I'm just too worried about failing but I've been through the same 10 pounds or so many times in the past 2 years. Before that I lost 60 lbs. and am still mostly maintaining at that weight but I just can't understand if I lost that weight before why can't I keep going and lose more? What's my problem? Why have I more or less maintained that initial loss only to be stuck going up and down 10 lbs. for 2 years?

I'm frustrated. It makes me want to cry. It's almost worse that I've succeeded before and now keep failing and can't duplicate that success.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, just feeling so emotional right now, I'm so stressed because of work which is something I can't control but I figure my eating and exercise and health is something I should be able to control and I can't manage that either. I'm just so tired of being this way.

I'm going to speak from experience here.

It's easier to find initial motivation in our hopes to impress our significant others. Maintaining that level of motivation when your SO seems content with where you are is difficult. It's a lot easier to say to yourself that HE doesn't care if you stay the weight you are when you're faced with that sinful temptation. If you tell yourself that YOU don't care if you stay the weight you are, you're lying to yourself and you know it.

Sure, we're always going to have external motivators, but you have to want it for your health--physical AND emotional.

It's one day at a time. Every day I get up and I ask myself whether I want to stay where I am or keep on trucking downwards. I fantasize about the endgame, but I try to only look at what I can do today to go towards my goal.

Don't give up on yourself. You can do this. You just sound like someone who needs to focus on what you want out of this process more often.

ETA: Stop beating yourself up about what you SHOULD be able to do. This is part of the yo-yo cycle. The past is past. You can only control the present and plan for the future.

My personal experience is, yes you can lose weight for others, but you can't keep it off for others, you can only keep it off for yourself. The long-term commitment necessary to lose over the long haul then maintain has to be internal, not external. "Health" can seem like a nebulous, unimportant reason to lose weight when you're overweight but relatively healthy...but trust me, as you get older you will need the weightloss in order to be or stay healthy. It didn't start hitting me til I was in my late late 30s and nearly 400 lbs...but losing weight has made such a dramatic difference in my health and how I feel...losing weight to look good for another person is motivating and all, but when you wake up in the morning feeling GREAT versus feeling SLUGGISH AND HORRID...well...credit for that goes to commitment, not motivation.

Of course you're not doomed to fail!

Also, it sounds like you're doing it for you, since your boyfriend loves you as is anyway. :D

thank you all for your thoughtful responses. You're right, it has to be internal and that's a big struggle for me, if I want it so badly then why can't I seem to do it? Wanting something does not mean it's going to happen but if I didn't really want it then I couldn't do it either. I consider myself to be a very strong, independent person but trying to lose weight and get healthy makes me feel so weak. How do I translate wanting into doing. Is it possible to learn how to do it for yourself and not someone else? Is it possible to change my way of thinking? And is it necessary for my success?

well, here's the thing: weight loss is hard. it takes a tremendous amount of commitment, energy and time, and it ALSO takes a lot of knowledge, about things that are easy to find out (how much to exercise, how many calories in a pickle) and things that are hard to find out (what's an appropriate calorie deficit for ME, what's the best macronutrient ratio for ME, how do i find time to exercise). it's a process, and we live in a world that is very very good at making and keeping us fat. there are whole industries that exist only because it's easy to gain weight and hard to lose and maintain loss. so cut yourself some slack, get clear on why you want to do it, and put on your metaphorical lab coat and get to work! every time you lost and regained, what happened? why? what can you learn from it? each single yo yo is valuable for moving forward.

you are not doomed to fail. I have a SO that is a constant sabotage. He LOVES my body. He loves to JIGGLE me. He says he doesn't notice that I lost 20 lbs. The thing is I know he's going to love me if I lose weight or not. Although he joked around and said he sabotages me in my sleep by rubbing butter all over my booty (little does he no massaging gets rid of fat deposits). Which I KNOW he doesn't do that.

So I have to motivate myself for me. I WANT to lose weight. I WANT to think I'm hot. I know I won't feel that way until I am fit and trim. It's a personal GOAL. I feel like NO MATTER WHAT I WILL reach my ideal weight by next year.
DEEP DOWN you can feel that drive. That causes you to make healthier food choices and causes you to exercise more. It is there. If it's not, don't attempt to do it. Because if you don't have drive you won't make it. But the fact that you are posting on a public forum about wanting to lose weight MEANS there is a DRIVE for it within YOU.

You definitely aren't doomed to fail- hey I say if your motivation is to lose weight because you want to be sexier for your man than it's all good!

Now if your bf was a total jerk and was telling you something like "lose weight you fat pig" then I'd tell you to tell him go F himself and dump him...

I want to lose weight for me- BUT I LOVE the compliments my husband gives me about how great I look and how obvious it is that I'm getting smaller :) He's never said ONE word against my weight but the encouraging words are AWESOME :D

Here's the thing. Suppose you and your bf break up. No, of course this isn't ever going to happen. But what if it did? What would you do? Would you give up on your health program and eat yourself into oblivion? And so this is why you have to make yourself and your own health your first priority. It's OK to want to be attractive to others as a nice side benefit, but you need to keep the focus on YOU, not on others.

JMO! :hug:
Jay

whether or not you're doomed to fail is up to you!

lol, my husband is the same way. i gained 60 lb after we met and i always tell him "i never wouldve gotten this fat if i were single!". the fact that he doesnt care makes it easier for me to not care. i dont think there's anything wrong with using your boyfriend as motivation. once the weight starts coming off, you'll want to keep doing it for yourself.

stop thinking about whether or not you *can* do it, and just start doing it. make a plan and start today. if you slip up, FORGIVE yourself and move on. one of the best things i read on this site regarding diet slip ups was someone saying that its not the slip up that matters, its what we make it mean. we make it mean that we're weak or not motivated, or "doomed to fail". all it really means is that we're human. even the MOST committed and successful dieters have failed to keep on track for a day, or a week. probably dozens of times.

you can do it!!

NO, you are NOT doomed to fail! You already know you want to lose the weight and you are determined enough to actively seek this forum to help you achieve your goals. There is SOMETHING to be said about just doing that! Seriously. :)

If you need motivation, perhaps you should write down a list of the reasons why you want to lose weight. Mine were: vanity, vanity, needing to fit my "thin clothes", more vanity, extra vanity, wanting to be confident and social, wanting to not have to worry about whether I could find cute clothes in my size, more vanity, wanting to be comfortable with the way I look naked, extreme vanity, and oh! health was an after thought (I was pretty healthy apart from being overweight), BUT -- let me tell you something:
Health has become a priority for me lately. I didn't REALIZE that when I was overweight, I felt far from my best. I only discovered what it was like to TRULY feel and be HEALTHY after I made drastic changes to my lifestyle. I went from eating 2 meals a day (skipping breakfast) to eating 5-6; from being pretty sedentary (eeh, a bit of running here, a bit of biking there, a walk every now and then, but not that often) to being extremely active; from eating foods loaded with grease and starches to eating clean... and suddenly, I had much more energy, a much more positive attitude, and a BIG boost in confidence.

You will feel so much better once you get used to your new lifestyle change. And if you ever slip away from it after becoming used to it for any real length of time, your body will hand your arse over to you so badly that you will WANT to live healthy. Forever. ;) :)

You are not doomed to fail, and it sounds, to me, like you are doing this for yourself. Your BF loves you the way you are and you sounds confident in that. What you want is to feel better about YOURSELF. You ARE doing this for you! :)

You can do this!

I may be off base, but from what you say i wonder if you feel you really DESERVE this for YOURSELF? Sometimes its hard to put ourselves first, and its easy to beat ourselves up. And that perpetuates a cycle. You DO deserve this for yourself!! There's nothing wrong with wanting to look and feel better for someone you love, but I hope you remember to include yourself in that category. Love yourself- you are so worth it.

You are only doomed to fail if you do not take ACTION. All the motivation and desire in the world will not get the job done; it's ACTION that carries the plan to fruition. You sound like you already know this.

So....my advice to you is this: Start taking action. Don't wait for motivation to come down from on high to light upon your head; for me, motivation comes when I start seeing results. And don't listen to that voice in your head that says, "This is too haaaaaard." or "But I WANT the cookies!!!!" I call that voice my Inner Two Year Old. My Inner Two Year Old has learned that I will give her a Skinny Cow ice cream OR a 100 cal popcorn nearly every night, so she doesn't whine nearly as much as she used to.

You can do this, and we are here to help you. And as for failing if your motivation is wrong--I say whatever gets you where you're going is what works. If the thought of your boyfriend liking you slim and trim motivates you, then who is to tell you that is wrong or that you will fail? You will eventually change to wanting this for YOU, but for now, use whatever you need to get started and to keep going! Good luck!

This, 100 times over!