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Old 08-02-2009, 10:43 PM   #1
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Default Discrepancy between what we and others see

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate your comments and hopefully support
I constantly put myself down (not just in front of others but also to myself) by saying that I'm fat and ugly. Well, my fat affects my physical health, and now I'm committed to changing that...but somehow I can't shake the notion that I'm nothing to look at.

This all seems so contrary to what my friends see, they tell me I'm pretty. But I never see this and it's so strange when they say I'm not ugly. What are they seeing that I don't when I look in the mirror?

I hope this made some sort of sense
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Old 08-02-2009, 11:03 PM   #2
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I don't believe any of us are ever totally happy with what we see in the mirror but u are very pretty and along with your weight loss will come more confidence!!
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Old 08-03-2009, 12:40 AM   #3
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give it some time. Stop defeatist thoughts. You are a blessed child of the universe whose very existance is a billion to one shot. Seriously. Simply being alive is a major triumph. Stop wasting your time on belly-button gazing. Don't allow you negitive self to become an obsticle to your happiness. Learn this now before it is too late.
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:23 AM   #4
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I totally do this too!

I think because I feel so terrible about myself, I just assume everyone else see's me the same way. One of my biggest hang ups is tank tops! WON'T WEAR THEM!! It was 109 last week and still- nope, couldn't do it. My arms are just too gross. Then I go to the store and see women twice my size in tank tops and I don't think anything about it- I'm not grossed out by them- and secretly, admire them for not caring.

I'm also working on not being so hard on myself. Next weekend there is a mini 15 year high school reunion out at our local lake for our families. I'd LOVE to go- but feel too fat and out of place. I know there are many classmates far heavier than I am in a size 16, but I'm just so nervous about it. I'm trying to get up the courage to just go- but I still haven't decided...

Hang in there! You're not alone!
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:38 AM   #5
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well you ARE pretty! believe it when your friends tell you. I think a lot of women suffer from low self-esteem whether they have a weight issue or not, I have had my struggles with low self esteem but I realized that I needed to love myself if I was going to expect to live my life the way that I wanted to.
What helped me:
Make a habit of having positive thoughts about yourself on a daily basis and doing something positive for yourself, always look your best everyday even if you are going out to run errands, go to the salon relax destress, go out and shop, if you have a hobby pursue it, if you have dreams pursue them, avoid people that will be negative and put you down, if you have faith rekindle it, find out something good that makes you happy. You need to understand you DESERVE the BEST!! And you have to believe in yourself! Everyone/anyone can believe in you but the most important thing is that you believe in and love yourself because you need to be able to get through thick and thin loving yourself even if others may or may not criticize you. I've known people that have been so immersed in their own self-hatred they don't realize or understand how bright their life is and how bright the future can be if only they just believed. But I think the most important thing is to try to stay positive ---negative thoughts/self criticism will only get you more down. I'm reading this book right now called "Retrain your brain, Reshape your body"..basically negative thoughts about yourself affect your brain chemistry and ultimately your health, emotions and eating habits.

you are not the only one! stay strong!

Last edited by caliyah : 08-03-2009 at 01:41 AM.
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Old 08-03-2009, 08:13 AM   #6
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caliyah, thanks so much for sharing what you wrote. Unfortunately I don't think tactics like positive thinking work (for me, at least - I'm so happy it does for you, though). I've taken the jump and made an appointment with my doctor about my "issues" - self-confidence and self-image. It's really hard for me to even consider the notion that I need therapy (I come from a background which kind of frowns on it), but I'm starting to see there's no other option.

There are a couple of people around me who understand, but I think the rest of my friends here don't quite grasp it (if they know at all...). Do people here have experience with therapy?

Jokan - you're very kind, thank you.

Coffeechick - I've got the the point where I can wear sleeveless tops when I go out running. And maybe at home too. But it takes an enourmous amount of nerve to just go shopping in one...
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Old 08-03-2009, 10:52 AM   #7
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I wanted to tell you you're pretty too, such a cute pic (and the way your personality comes across in your posts). I know hearing it from someone else can feel like water off a duck's back if you don't believe it yourself.

therapy might be a great choice for you. talking about how you feel in a neutral environment with someone skilled to help you sort out your issues. it doesn't mean you're weak or mentally ill. I've worked on weight and eating issues with a therapist. doesn't hurt to explore it.

you might try not so much "positive thinking," as not constantly telling yourself how ugly you are. the messages we plant in our own brains can be powerful.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffeechick View Post
I totally do this too!

I think because I feel so terrible about myself, I just assume everyone else see's me the same way. One of my biggest hang ups is tank tops! WON'T WEAR THEM!! It was 109 last week and still- nope, couldn't do it. My arms are just too gross. Then I go to the store and see women twice my size in tank tops and I don't think anything about it- I'm not grossed out by them- and secretly, admire them for not caring.

I'm also working on not being so hard on myself. Next weekend there is a mini 15 year high school reunion out at our local lake for our families. I'd LOVE to go- but feel too fat and out of place. I know there are many classmates far heavier than I am in a size 16, but I'm just so nervous about it. I'm trying to get up the courage to just go- but I still haven't decided...

Hang in there! You're not alone!
I just wrote in my blog about short sleeves, that's funny. I have such a hang up about my upper arms, but I wore that short sleeved shirt out in public, heh heh. I totally agree with you that when I see other women, no matter how big their arms are, I don't have any problem with them wearing tank tops or short sleeves, but I feel so self conscious when it comes to myself.

I really hope you go to that reunion. Push, push, shove, shove, ha! Don't miss out because of how you feel about your size. Think of the people who'd love to see you, that you'd love to see, and just having fun. I've missed out on good experiences and regret it now.
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Old 08-03-2009, 11:51 AM   #8
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I think so many of us can relate. For me, a lot of damage was done growing up with negativity, and never feeling worthwhile. I heard it so much that I started believing it, and repeating it in my own head. That only increased as more and more weight came on.

I have gotten better with the negative self talk, and try to remind myself instead of all the good and positive things.

On a show once, they were talking about how we talk badly to ourselves, and the woman said that we talk to ourselves in ways that we would never talk to a friend or someone we loved. We would never tell a friend that they are ugly and fat, or that they are stupid or worthless. So why should we do it to ourselves?!

If you feel therapy is something for you, then find out more from your doctor. I wish you luck with whatever you choose.

You're beautiful, and maybe that is something that will help you see that
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:07 PM   #9
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You might be surprised that your friends MEAN IT when they tell you you look pretty! *hug*

I have a friend who is overweight (though far from obese) and she still looks FANTASTIC. She dresses adorably, has lovely features, and has a face shape, bone structure, and body shape that show off a curvy figure. I've always been so envious of her!

It might help for you to look at images of beautiful "bigger" girls -- it might help you see yourself from your friends' (and others!) perspective =)
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:46 PM   #10
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Instead of looking in a mirror, look at a picture of yourself. We see ourselves differently that way.
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Old 08-03-2009, 09:56 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoJoP View Post
It might help for you to look at images of beautiful "bigger" girls -- it might help you see yourself from your friends' (and others!) perspective =)
I agree Here are a couple sites I really like:

http://www.bodypositive.com/ - lots of wonderful stuff on this to help fight negative self-talk

http://www.casagordita.com/fatacc.htm - I like this not to "accept my fat" but to love my body. I have found that starting to love my body, fat as it is, is helping me take care of it better and punish it less.

I've also had therapy to deal with an eating disorder and other issues, and it can be very helpful. I hope you feel better soon
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Old 08-03-2009, 10:40 PM   #12
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I still am struggling with my own self esteem. No matter how many times others say how much of a difference they see in me, sometimes when I look in the mirror, I still see 330 pounds.

I also drive my boyfriend crazy cause I am always saying degrading things about my weight and my body
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Old 08-04-2009, 11:34 AM   #13
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Quote:
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I also drive my boyfriend crazy cause I am always saying degrading things about my weight and my body


and

don't do it! ha
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Old 08-04-2009, 11:46 AM   #14
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and

don't do it! ha

Haha! Yes Mistress
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Old 08-04-2009, 11:51 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffeechick View Post
It was 109 last week
Holy crap, for real? I never thought Oregon could get that hot! I learn something new everyday!

My negative talk comes when I hit the 170 mark. Gosh, when I hit 173 or 175 back in '05, I was MISERABLE. At that time, I lived at home for a few weeks and my mom would never hear the end of my self-hate rants. She was really good about being supportive and helping me lose 5 lbs just by eating her food. That helped some. When I hit 165, I become positive. I'm hoping to hit 160 in a few weeks and I'm sure that will make me really happy and positive. So yeah, mine is totally weight-dependent. Sigh.

I do think therapy is a good idea. Nobody should be subjecting themselves to negative talk. It's the same as receiving verbal abuse from someone else. Would you stand for that? Of course not, so why take it from yourself?
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