Yeah, it is definitely something I wish would go away completely. Since an eating disorder is a mental disorder; I was declined from the Sheriffs department when I was 21-- and will never be able to re-apply because of the ED. It has prevented me from doing so many things in life and I hate when they bring it up to people, despite the fact that it is because they are concerned. :/
I understand. When I was 23 and went off my parent's insurance and tried to get my own, I was denied by one insurance company because of the ED... despite the fact that it had been 2 years since completing therapy. There are consequences of those choices that I will carry with me for the rest of my life (had to have my gallbladder removed from the rapid weight loss, cavities, etc.)
But you know what? Even though you may have reminders of it for a long time, the fact of the matter is, you should be very proud of yourself for having the courage to go to therapy, address the issue and continue moving on with your life. Your BF probably does not know how to help - right or wrong, it's causing you a lot of stress. He sees you restricting and my guess is, based on his military background, is acting how he knows best, and maybe out of fear. I hope you get to talk to him and together you can both come up with a good way to allay his fears and help you feel more comfortable around him. Best of luck!
There isn't nearly enough information the roughly 10 sentences of the original post to determine anything-no less abuse. We have no idea what type of behavior you are exhibiting in front of your boyfriend. We don't know your personality, or his.
I can understand that you feel disheartened and sad, as I guess you don't feel you are getting the support you need.
But really, a professional is better equipted to assist you with your eating disorder and opening the lines of communication between you and your boyfriend, then if necessary, advising you on if you are infact dealing with abuse.
Good luck
Thanks for posting this thread. Doing this has not only helped you but has touched many others as well. Looks like you've received very good advice thus far. In addition to talking to your BF, you need to have a sit-down with your parents as well. Although they too may be concerned about you, they don't need to air out your ED past with everyone at libeerty. If you decide to go to counseling, they need to be included as well.
I don't think it is abuse, I think he is terrified that you will relapse into an eating disorder. People with eating disorders often relapse and explain their behaviour as trying to get "healthy". Now, plenty of people with eating disorders can begin to eat healthy and lose weight properly, but for loved ones, how do they know the difference? When someone has a mental illness such as an ED, they become very good at hiding destructive behaviours.
Plus, men in the military often go about things in a controlling manner. I know, I work in law enforcement and so does my DH. His training method (I am learning Olympic lifting) reminds me of the screams from academy fitness training. It's brutal, but it is how they do it.
I do think he loves you but he is going about it the wrong way. Perhaps you should explain to him that although you are well aware that you have (not HAD - alcoholics are always in recovery as well) an ED, you are not wanting to relapse but want to go on a healthy path - but that you are willing to speak to a doctor about the proper way of going about it.
He seems terrified that you are going to harm yourself. It's not abuse, it sounds like he is trying to keep you from abusing yourself.
I am not qualified to determine whether this is abuse although it does appear to me as such. I am leaning towards what Sacha said. However, I also worry about you trying to accept the blame for HIS behaviour. I think you need to seek the help of a dietitian (who specializes in ED) AS WELL as a therapist.
Good Golly. I hate all this abuse talk being thrown around. I don't see that AT ALL.
I see a military type approach to making sure you do not relapse into your ED. Granted, it's a little heavy handed and a bit of an overkill.. but him being a Marine, I completely understand where he would get that from. Especially if he is career!
In fact, I think it's more good than bad that he is that concerned over your eating habits. Almost like an intervention for an addict!
Anyway, you have gotten fabulous advice so far honey bunny. I'd agree with seeing a dietitian, and I'd recommend taking your boyfriend with you so he can also hear what amounts are right for you.
He might think you should eat more than you should!
Good luck
Last edited by KatieBell28; 07-22-2009 at 04:15 PM.
If you feel what he is doing is NOT productive for you and is making you feel worse- than you need to ask him to please stop. Yes he's right to be concerned, but it's like the parent of the fat kid saying "stop eating fatty" then wondering why their kid has self-esteem issues- they THINK they are helping but in reality they are making it worse.
I'm sorry but no one can sit me down and force me to eat- if my hubby did that I'd throw the plate in his face and walk away- you aren't a child. Yes you had issues in the past, but him treating you this way (abuse or not) is not productive IMO.
Talk to him- tell him you appreciate his concern, but this is not the way to help you. If you are overweight and need to lose weight he has no right to tell you "you look fine" when you aren't happy. YOUR happiness is what is important when it comes to your body- not his. As long as you are doing things in a healthy matter and are trying to get at a healthy weight- then he needs to back off a bit.
I also agree with Katie- having him go with you to a dietician might help him help you and ease his fears.
If you feel what he is doing is NOT productive for you and is making you feel worse- than you need to ask him to please stop. Yes he's right to be concerned, but it's like the parent of the fat kid saying "stop eating fatty" then wondering why their kid has self-esteem issues- they THINK they are helping but in reality they are making it worse.
I'm sorry but no one can sit me down and force me to eat- if my hubby did that I'd throw the plate in his face and walk away- you aren't a child. Yes you had issues in the past, but him treating you this way (abuse or not) is not productive IMO.
Talk to him- tell him you appreciate his concern, but this is not the way to help you. If you are overweight and need to lose weight he has no right to tell you "you look fine" when you aren't happy. YOUR happiness is what is important when it comes to your body- not his. As long as you are doing things in a healthy matter and are trying to get at a healthy weight- then he needs to back off a bit.
I also agree with Katie- having him go with you to a dietician might help him help you and ease his fears.
I am so happy you brought this up. His youngest daughter is 13 and she is a little heavy in the mid-section but no where NEAR fat. He yells at her for eating more that one slice of pizza, or finishing a subway sandwich, or drinking a soda...etc see the pattern? I have sat down and talked to him about him giving her a complex and self esteem issues and he says "I am just helping her so she doesnt have to deal with other people." I understand that but the approach he is taking is not good. She is about 5'0'' 106 pounds and the only thing that is a little bigger is her tummy... I think it is baby fat because she still hasnt started her cycle.
I am so happy you brought this up. His youngest daughter is 13 and she is a little heavy in the mid-section but no where NEAR fat. He yells at her for eating more that one slice of pizza, or finishing a subway sandwich, or drinking a soda...etc see the pattern? I have sat down and talked to him about him giving her a complex and self esteem issues and he says "I am just helping her so she doesnt have to deal with other people." I understand that but the approach he is taking is not good. She is about 5'0'' 106 pounds and the only thing that is a little bigger is her tummy... I think it is baby fat because she still hasnt started her cycle.
That sounds terrible, and it IS terrible but as a previous poster mentioned, it's a very military style approach. If something is wrong you "just fix it", lol. My grandfather [career military] used to nag me about what I was eating. "Don't take that much", "your pants are getting tight", "have some fruit instead of cake", etc. There's abusive controlling and then there's military controlling. I honestly believe the majority of military men aren't doing it to have "control" of the person they are ordering around. They seem to think that if they say it loud enough, often enough the reality will eventually sink in.
Okay, so I understand better why he wants to watch you eat and make sure you don't go throw it up. However, I do feel like it might be a little much with the approach he is taking. I can understand how he feels...he wants to protect you & this is the only way he knows how.
I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MAJORITY WHO SAY TO LEAVE HIM.
Until you go through the agony of trying to help someone with an ED then you really can't understand just how hard or how bad things can be. I honestly do not believe he is trying to control her...I think he is just trying to prevent her from going back down that road. As someone said earlier....it is just like alcoholism or beind addicted to drugs...you will always have an ED...
I do think that he needs to be aware of how his actions can be viewed, but the both of you need to work on this. He isn't trying to keep you from being a healthy weight, he just doesn't want you to go through the **** you went through those 6 years!
I agree with this 110%... sounds like he's trying to save you from yourself...
Like others suggested, I'd see a nutritionist and go from there... If your bf sees you losing weight the healthy way I bet he'd back off...
At 5 feet and 106 pounds this is no where near overweight. This man has control issues . A Marine is always a Marine 24/7 . A Marine always completes his mission. Marines do not fail., etc. Remind him that you and his daughter did not enlist. If this is not abuse it certainly is controlling. Your own statements " he forces me " or " he won't let me " and yelling at his daughter. Stand up for yourself . Do not allow yourself to be treated like this. You deserve better.
It really just sounds like he's concerned. Very concerned. And, being a marine, these are the tactics he's used to. You need to talk to him and make him listen to your side of the story.
That was just from reading the first post. He really sounds like a overpowering guy with the daughter story. Again, make him listen.
Last edited by wednesdaymorning; 07-23-2009 at 05:04 PM.
I'm in the minority on this, I think. I think the boyfriend's heart is in the heart right place, but he's not going about things the right way. I also think that he's just frightened that the woman he loves is trying to harm herself.
Maybe the thing to do is to take him along if you visit a nutritionist. Or, if you are going to follow a diet, let him read the literature that outlines the plan. I do agree, though, that you can't allow him to make you eat in front of him and then keep you from going to the bathroom. Even though he probably means well. He's going to have to trust that you are eating and not purging. He also has to accept that how much you weigh is not up to him. It's your choice.
Uhh..okay this is mind boggling to me. How come he can force and control you so easily? This disturbs me and quite frankly I won't post what is in my mind for fear of crossing a line.
It seems to me that your boyfriend is just trying to make sure you do not slip into your old eating disorder.
He got hasty.
That's all.
I see absolutely no control issues there.
I feel that he is GENUINELY concerned.
But you do need to woman up and tell him you have things under control.
Tell him you will update him if you feel yourself slipping.
COMMUNICATE.
And about his daughter.
The way he's being with her is how 95% of all men act with weight stuff.
Guys usually aren't really in tune with these things.
They just think, stop what you're doing and you'll be fine.
And of course, if it were just that easy.
I am rambling.
He is just being a normal not in the know guy about these things.
She is about 5'0'' 106 pounds and the only thing that is a little bigger is her tummy... I think it is baby fat because she still hasnt started her cycle.
