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Old 07-18-2009, 09:32 PM   #1
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Ugh. My dh was a complete a$$ today. We went to the park with the kids, I went walking, he and the kids played soccer. I walked for 40 minutes out of the hour I wanted to walk then asked him to join me because I was getting bored. He joined me, but then started running circles around me as I walked- it's too lame for him to walk- he's a runner. Way to be encouraging. Then I started talking about how badly I want to lose the weight, and that he's lucky that with 2 overweight parents he was able to make the right choices and keep relatively fit (he'll gain 5-10lbs and lose it quickly). He went off on a tangent about how it has nothing to do with luck and went on to attack me and make me feel like a complete loser. When I said that that sort of attitude makes me want to go and eat myself into a stupor his reply was, "I don't know how to support you." He can't think of anything encouraging to say? He can't tell me that I can do it, that I'm working on it right now, that I'm strong enough to overcome my demons? I left the park crying. I hate the feeling that I want to punish him with my fatness when he treats me badly.
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Old 07-18-2009, 09:37 PM   #2
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Yes he was a complete a$$!! OMG I'm fuming after reading what he did and said.

I would have tripped him...then again I'm mean
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Old 07-18-2009, 09:41 PM   #3
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How terrible!! you CAN do this with or with out his support, just remember to do it for you and not anyone else!!
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Old 07-18-2009, 09:59 PM   #4
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This has me so upset I can't even formulate a decent response yet but I will say that you can do this and you deserve to do it for you and you have all us chickies supporting you
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Old 07-18-2009, 10:48 PM   #5
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That must have been so painful, Beck. What you said about punishing him with "Your fatness" was profound. I can't count the number of times I have went on a self destructive binge when someone hurt my feelings in an almost "I'll show them" manner. We have to love ourselves enough to recognize that when someone who doesn't understand this battle hurts us or angers us, it's THEIR problem-not ours. I have a sign hanging in my classroom that says "Apathy is NOT an option." Sounds like your husband needs to read it. Hang in there, Beck. Tomorrow will be better.
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Old 07-18-2009, 10:56 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beck View Post
Then I started talking about how badly I want to lose the weight, and that he's lucky that with 2 overweight parents he was able to make the right choices and keep relatively fit (he'll gain 5-10lbs and lose it quickly). He went off on a tangent about how it has nothing to do with luck a:
Well, he should have told you you COULD do it. But he's right - it's not luck. And one day, you will be able to say the same thing. Hopefully, you'll be able to say it in a more constructive way. I'm a slender person, with one obese parent. It has nothing to do with luck, just my hard work!
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Old 07-18-2009, 10:57 PM   #7
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Hugs for Beck!

You can do this, and when the day comes that you're running ahead of him, will be the day we all shout hooray!

I'm lucky my husband has been very supportive, although hes lost his weight faster than me and has reached his goal, is still encouraging and tells me which bits look good.

But I did have an upsetting conversation with my sister that drove me to eating out and comfort food took over. Something I still have to work on.

We're here for you Becks, we'll keep going together.
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Old 07-18-2009, 11:38 PM   #8
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I'm sorry you dh wasn't supportive with you and didn't say the things he should have said. Perhaps he thinks he is being supportive, or he wishes he knew how to be supportive in a way that would help you. It's so hard sometimes to communicate our feelings and it gets so complicated when it's about something as personal as weight. You feel frustrated and unheard.

Would it work if you were to write a letter to your husband? I know for me it helps so much to put my feelings, wants, needs, ect. onto paper where I can self edit my words and make sure that I'm being as clear and concise as possible. Would your husband read such a letter from you? If you can get him to see things from your view point, without him feeling attacked, then maybe he will gain an understanding he is lacking right now.

I hope it all works out for you.
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Old 07-19-2009, 12:26 AM   #9
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I'm very sorry that was his response. It was rude, and I would tell him that.

But you CAN do this. And even if you don't have his support, you do have ours. And in weight, you make your own luck...and you have the power to do it.

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Old 07-19-2009, 04:45 AM   #10
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Um... Please take this as the friendly, outside view that it was meant as. First, DH was definitely behaving in a very hurtful manner. Running circles around you, etc, when you are working hard is cruel and childish. With that said, I just wanted to mention that your own responses might be escalating the situation. When you tell a person that their attitude makes you want to behave in a very self-destructive manner, it puts them on the defensive and people who feel like they are under attack often say very cruel and hurtful things. You might want to try focusing on what you WANT him to say. You could explain that it would be helpful to you if he would be encouraging and remind you that you can do this.
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Old 07-19-2009, 05:23 AM   #11
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I'm sorry, but was he raised with wolves or with people? Not sure how that type of behaviour is meant to be supportive or encouraging (which I have always thought the role of a spouse was?).

I just want to echo what everyone else said - he may not be supportive, but we are.

Also, I have had many times in my life where I have said eff you to the world by eating . . . and all its done is eff me up - food is never the solution for anything other than hunger.

Hope you are feeling better.
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Old 07-19-2009, 06:07 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beck View Post
I hate the feeling that I want to punish him with my fatness when he treats me badly.
Hm. This is probably not a good start for weight loss, as it obviously matters greatly to you.

I don`t know whether it works for you, but here is how I have addressed this issue for myself: I have decided to punish mine by *losing weight without his support*. When people start noticing and ask how I`ve done it I will tell them that I did it all by myself. And if they ask me what hubby says I will tell them "nothing". And if they ask me whether he has supported me I`ll repeat: "No, I achieved this all by myself" and "Yes, it was hard to do w/a support at times, but it made me all the more determined and my achievement all the more precious!"

I`m prepared to say this in his presence and know that it will embarrass and disappoint him that he won`t get any of the credit. Yet, he won`t be able to argue because he does not deserve any!

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Old 07-19-2009, 06:31 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beck View Post
Ugh. My dh was a complete a$$ today. We went to the park with the kids, I went walking, he and the kids played soccer. I walked for 40 minutes out of the hour I wanted to walk then asked him to join me because I was getting bored. He joined me, but then started running circles around me as I walked- it's too lame for him to walk- he's a runner. Way to be encouraging. Then I started talking about how badly I want to lose the weight, and that he's lucky that with 2 overweight parents he was able to make the right choices and keep relatively fit (he'll gain 5-10lbs and lose it quickly). He went off on a tangent about how it has nothing to do with luck and went on to attack me and make me feel like a complete loser. When I said that that sort of attitude makes me want to go and eat myself into a stupor his reply was, "I don't know how to support you." He can't think of anything encouraging to say? He can't tell me that I can do it, that I'm working on it right now, that I'm strong enough to overcome my demons? I left the park crying. I hate the feeling that I want to punish him with my fatness when he treats me badly.
You can't change him or his responses. You can only change how you react to him. Yes, he was rude but I also see a lot of "poor me" and passive aggressive behavior here.

If he's running circles around you, you can say "Hey, babe, if you want to run why don't you run on ahead, it's distracting to have you circling me and I'm fine on my own."

Keep your focus on your weight loss, without making excuses for why it was easy for him.

When you said "that that sort of attitude makes me want to go and eat myself into a stupor his reply was, "I don't know how to support you." " What did you want his response to be after you essentially said that he was the one making you fat because you wanted to eat yourself into a stupor. Imagine an alcoholic talking to someone and saying "your attitude makes me want to drink myself into a stupor" or someone who cuts telling their spouse "that makes me want to cut myself to shreds." Not productive behavior, and not the behavior of someone who wants to change for themselves.

If he's telling you that he doesn't know how to support you, you need to let him know how. I'm assuming that you love this man (and that he loves you) and that are planning on being with him for a while. If you are both on the same team, act like it. Tell him: "Here's how you can support me: walk with me every once in a while, tell me I'm doing well, listen to me when I talk about my struggles, call me on it when I'm being passive aggressive or using my eating as a drug or a weapon."

If I'm wrong in my assumption that you love him and he loves you, then that's an entirely different issue all together....
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Old 07-19-2009, 07:00 AM   #14
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I tried to read this from both sides... and the thought I had was that he actually did think he was supporting you.

Guys have a style of communication that is more like lecturing sometimes. He wanted to tell you that it wasn't luck and give you a pep talk, but how it sounded to you was that he was scolding you.

He probably was telling the truth--he doesn't know how to support you. You have to tell him. Make it clear without an angry discussion. Tell him that his style of pep talk has the opposite effect on you, and that what you want him to say is exactly what you said above.

And another thing--don't invite him to walk with you because you are bored. Find a walking buddy if you need one, preferably a girlfriend?

Good luck! Hang in there! Ultimately you have to be your own support in this.

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Old 07-19-2009, 08:08 AM   #15
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If he's anything like my DH, he really *doesn't* know how to support you unless you tell him. You wanted him to come keep you company, he probably didn't see that running circles around you would be irritating. Then you said he was lucky that he pretty much maintains a healthy weight. Yet you said he comes from a family that doesn't make the best food choices, and he's a runner - that doesn't seem like luck, it seems like he works at it. When you get to maintaining, if someone said you were lucky to be your goal weight you would probably want to correct them too.

It doesn't seem to me that he was trying to be hurtful, rather he just doesn't know what you need from him. TELL him, calmly and rationally what you need from him. Do you need him to slow down to your pace? Do you need him to push you? Do you need him to celebrate the small victories? Once you tell him what you need, you may find he's a lot more supportive than you think.
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