[Beck]

Thanks for all your heartfelt and truthful responses.

I know that my reaction to him wasn't healthy, but this just seems to be an ongoing trend with him and my weight. He and I agreed on a 10lb weight loss challenge recently. I told him the other day that I was nearing the goal, and instead of congratulations he said, "It's easier for overweight people to lose the weight faster; it'll take me longer." That comment made me feel like it wasn't such a big deal, it's really easier for me to lose the weight because of my size and not anything that I actively changed.

As far as the luck comment- I know that he's made good choices, but at the same time he also tries to sabotage mine. He'll do one of two things when I'm trying to eat right: he'll bring home junk food for himself or kids and try to test my willpower it or he'll drink my Slim Fast and eat the specific foods I've bought for myself to have on hand so I don't eat crap (and with 6 kids it's not easy to just jump to the store for more).

We've been married nearly 13 years and together for more than 17. I feel bad enough about my weight; I don't need him to make comments and do things that add to that shame. Yes, I've tried to tell him exactly what I need from him to help me along, but I guess he just doesn't get it.

Thanks for the support everyone. I didn't eat myself into a stupor. I finished out my exercise at home on the bike (and then some!), and regained my motivation here.

[dragonwoman64]

Hey, Beck,

I read your and everyone else's posts. Losing weight can be so complicated without dealing with all the issues that other people around us have about our losing weight (and maybe even their losing weight). Was your husband in sports in school? some of his behavior made me think of guys on sports teams, or how coaches may have treated them. (maybe the military?)

I would have no idea if he's trying to sabotage you or just being dense, or a combination maybe. I would guess he probably doesn't know how to be supportive in the way you need, and you may be extra sensitive to what he does and says (which is completely understandable), and he does sound like he sometimes crosses the sensitivity border into obnoxious land, imho, and it's good you call him on that.

My bf and I have stuff too. He does not need to lose weight at all. He brings home chocolate, devil dogs, loves sausage, spam (yes, I said spam, heh heh). He'll say, "if you want to eat it, eat it!" when I'm feeling weak (which doesn't help, because then I do. On the other hand, he's been supportive about lots of things too, went with me to the gym for the first few times, helps me with the exercise. Gives me pep talks and reality checks.

I know he has insecurities about me losing weight (other guys finding me attractive, leaving him, etc.). Now I'm much more active and social.

I've had to learn to assert myself and work around the "sabotaging" issues. I've been with him so long, that our ways of interacting as a couple have their own deep grooves -- and part of that is grocery shopping, cooking, eating. The changes are ongoing, and we're both adjusting!

Really, congrats on not turning to food and turning around the situation so you felt positive again about what you're doing and taking care of yourself.
Good luck with everything!

[CharlieJune]

Beck, I can relate to your husband bringing junk food home and eating your healthy snacks. My husband does this as well--I wonder what's up with that? My husband is usually very supportive but sometimes I wonder if he is insecure enough to fear that maybe, just maybe THIS time I will lose weight and what then? I think sometimes we need to reassure them that we are trying to lose weight so we can spend even more of our lives with them. I wonder how many spouses engage in this kind of behavior and may not even be aware of it? At any rate, I'm so glad you beat the urge to binge!! Congrats!! Have a beautiful day.

[QuilterInVA]

How would you have felt if he asked you to run with him? Would you do it? He tried to walk with you. The only one you punish with your fatness is yourself. You belittled him when he said he worked at keeping his weight off but then cried because he didn't support you. Do you two not communicate? Why can't you sit him down and calmly with no tears, tell him how he could support you. In the end, weight loss is only on your shoulders, not anyone around you. It's great when you have support, but the lack of support is not a reason to be fat.

[JayEll]

Buy so much of the SlimFast and healthy foods that there is no way he can eat it all. Hide some of it if you can, so that he can't cut into your supply. If he complains, say "I bought enough for both of us since obviously you like it, too."

Jay

[p7eggyc]

Beck,
Sounds like a hard day but you did a lot of things right. You were exercising. Maybe the next time he is being obnoxious about the running vs. walking thing, remind him that the calories burned are the same no matter how fast you do it. Mass/Distance = calories burned. I hate the idea of anyone telling you what you are trying to do isn't 'enough' because it is. Getting up and walking for an hour is a true effort and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And wow, you rocked the challenge of stress/emotional eating yesterday. If you are any sort of a journal keeper, I would take note of that and how it felt and what you thought.

That being said, I am single but have been hanging around with people in the process of changing their lifestyles and it seems nearly universal that SO's don't get it. Part of it I think is that the process is so personal with so many variations that it is nearly impossible to get someone else that does it the way you do or thinks you should. Part of it is what dragonwoman is talking about in terms of years of habits and their own insecurities. Maybe you've done things in the past to try and change your lifestyle/weight and things haven't gone well and he has all his own fears/frustrations/worries that he is dealing with.

All of that is to say maybe he is not the best place to vent/share your feelings/frustrations/ issues with at least now. You will move through a lot of things in the upcoming weight loss period and some of them will be confusing to you, confusing to him, and will change on a dime. If you are using Beck, LOTS of things will probably change and even though they will be for the better, change is stressful. You obviously can't do that in a vacuum and it's going to impact him and your relationship so you might need to look outside of your marriage for some support that is all your own. That can be here or another online community. That can be with a professional counselor or health lifestyle coach. That can be with a friend IRL (although many of the same issues come up there so maybe more of an acquaintance vs your BFF). That can be with a trainer or registered dietitian. I encourage you to look at what team you need to build to support you and your family.

Hugs and hope your Sunday is much more pleasant and hope you and DH are able to connect in a special way today to help heal things from yesterday.

Peg

[chickiegirl]

Two things come to mind: One, don't punish him with your fatness, as you say. That's only punishing you and holding you back.

Two: My boyfriend saw me binge, gain, lose and never stay committed. This time I decided I needed to find alternate sources of support because I didn't need to feel that "how long are you really going to stick with this?" vibe from him.

I told my mother how important the support from her was and she stepped up with lots of encouragement. I came here and posted and read and got support that way too.

Seeing me consistently drop for a few months, my boyfriend has become more supportive and more complimentary, so he did come around.

I guess my point is, he is your husband but he is not helping. For now, is it possible to look for alternate sources of support rather than put yourself in a position where you need it from him? He's being ridiculous and you don't want his negativity bringing you down.

[beautifulone]

First of all, that seems like a really tough situation to find yourself in. I'd feel really hurt if that was the nature of my SO's responses towards my weight loss . So I really empathize.

It sounds like he doesn't get it, or like there is something greater (fear, insecurity perhaps?) that is blocking him from "getting it". Especially if he is otherwise a wonderful partner and able to provide emotional support in other areas, in ways that meet your needs.

I agree whole-heartedly that it's essential to find support somewhere, from people who you know will encourage you, support you, and celebrate your successes right along with you . Ready to cheer you on and hear you out. If you know, as much as it hurts, that your husband isn't the person for that, then it may be better not to put yourself in situations where he'll do the opposite. Maybe he can be that person down the road, perhaps he has a learning curve ahead of him as to what you need through this process, or maybe there are greater factors at play here than that. But whatever the case is, it helps to set yourself up for success, and that means choosing to surround yourself with people who will be positive with you

Originally Posted by Beck

He and I agreed on a 10lb weight loss challenge recently. I told him the other day that I was nearing the goal, and instead of congratulations he said, "It's easier for overweight people to lose the weight faster; it'll take me longer." That comment made me feel like it wasn't such a big deal, it's really easier for me to lose the weight because of my size and not anything that I actively changed.

It sounds like you wanted him to congratulate with you and support you in your accomplishment (which is completely understandable ), but given that he is also in this and is "competing" with you, he was looking out for himself. Maybe he feels that by acknowledging your success, he is "losing" the challenge. Just a thought..

[Thighs Be Gone]

I agree about telling him what you need.

Secondly, I have to tell you this with all respect intended. Do not look for him (or anyone) to do anything for you. Don't wait for him or anyone to give you what you need to succeed. Give yourself those things. It took me a LOOOOONG time to get to the point I am with this.

I also agree that, in your description, he sounds santimonious and arrogant. I also realize there are two sides to every story and I am sure there are plenty of things he does you love. Day to day try to focus on those things for now. And of course, focus on you and your health. Let nothing else come before your nutrition, sleep and exercise. Nothing and no one.

[ennay]

Originally Posted by QuilterInVA

He tried to walk with you.

No he didn't. I'm sorry, I am a runner and I have yet to lose my ability to walk or run at a slower pace to share their company. Trying to make "would you run with him" equivalent is b.s.

Beck - if you do want him to walk with you emphasize that you want to share some TIME together, dont talk about exercise, dont talk about weight. If he starts to run say "hey we are out here to be together, stay with me" It sounds like the best solution with him is to not bring the subject up EVER. Dont compete with him. Dont talk about success or failure with him. He has shown he is incapable of support in this area. And find a place to hide your healthy snacks.

[JulieJ08]

Originally Posted by QuilterInVA

How would you have felt if he asked you to run with him? Would you do it?

Is that a joke? You can't just up and go running without training for it.

[Onederchic]

My 2 cents -

No, he was not being supportive, in my opinion. He was being an ***. Did you go a little overboard with your reaction? Perhaps...again, these are just my opinions. Had my boyfriend acted that way, I would kick him in the ding ding then walk circles around him, chanting a happy little diddy as he lay writhing in agony...but once again, that's just me


Hugs
Michelle

[Beck]

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts and input.

I had a talk with dh this morning about all of the unsupportive things I'd felt he'd done this week in regard to my weight loss plan. He apologized and agreed that he should have done things differently, and I agreed that I shouldn't take things to heart so easily. I rode the exercise bike for half and hour this morning, then we went out to a lake to canoe with the family. We went from there to a sprinkler park and dh watched the kids while I walked. I'm planning on another 30 to 45 minutes on the bike after the kiddos go to bed. We had a lovely day, and I'm glad to have spoken to him early in the day so not to have that baggage dragging with us.

I know this is something I need to do for me, but it's not just for me. It's for my kids, and yes- it's for my dh, too. I guess I just want him to realize that aspect of if. I have lots to gain from losing the weight, but he also has lots to gain from me losing it- a wife that has more confidence, is healthier, has more energy to do things with him and family, a wife that is attractive to him again, etc...

Oh- and someone commented about team sports or military- you hit it. He was in the Israeli navy, so he can be a little, I'm not sure what the right word is, stern - maybe?

I'm really glad to have found this forum. I tried in January to enlist my mother in losing weight together, but she wasn't that enthusiastic. We had plans to weigh in every Tuesday (The Biggest Loser night), watch the show, and call one another when we needed a boost. She never even got a scale for weigh-ins and rarely exercised. None of my heavier IRL friends want to lose weight. It seems they've all just come to accept their weights.

Thanks for cheering me on.

[Mrs Snark]

I'm glad you had a productive talk with your husband and a wonderful day!

Good job on fitting in all the exercise today, way to go!

[jendiet]

Sweetie, first of all I want to give you a hug for the rough day you were having.

Then I have to tell you. I don't think hubby was being mean. Childish yes. But I have an idea that he is very playful and that childish light side of him is what attracts you to him.

it is annoying when the same things that attract us to our mate--also ANNOY us about them.

He most likely was telling you the truth. Guys really have no clue when it comes to how to handle it when they see us trying to change ourselves. They are afraid if they support US TOO MUCH, they will be giving the message

"yes! Thank God you are changing already! I was hoping you would" OR
"NO. I don't want you to do this at all. You don't have to change anything" and come out as total liars to us.

I proudly announced to my SO today that I had lost 20 lbs since I started trying to lose this year. He seemed impressed. So I said (knowing I was setting him up for a lose-lose situation for a guy) "Honey have you not noticed Jen Jen was shrinking?"

so he grabbed my back fat and said "buy you're still squishy, so it's ok. It would not be good for all the squishy to go away".

I was upset that he undermined my weight loss again by grabbing my fat roll! But I realize he is attracted to my softness, and he doesn't want to feel like he's holding himself at night.

Yeah, I would have been annoyed. I would have said.

"Would you walk with me darling. I am getting dizzy. Let's hold hands."