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When the comments DON'T bother you

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Old 07-04-2009, 12:05 PM   #1
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I've noticed an interesting shift in myself in the past couple of weeks. Comments about weight/weight loss/being overweight/fat, etc. haven't bothered me. They used to be like blows to me, whether they were made to or about me or when the person knew I could hear them ("Wow, we have such a national obesity problem. I wish people would lose weight."). I'm not really sure what caused the shift, but I have noticed it and wondered if it has happened to anyone else?
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Old 07-04-2009, 12:26 PM   #2
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I can't see them ever not bothering me because no matter what the words are, the meaning behind it is still a moral judgment.
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Old 07-04-2009, 01:16 PM   #3
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your determination to make the change is probably causing you to subconciously say " yeah, just wait til you see how hot I am later" and smirking inside

Hence the comments not hitting home.

Just my opinion
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:36 AM   #4
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Very much so! I used to feel that such comments were directed at me personally, but now that I am addressing my weight I no longer feel addressed.
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Old 07-05-2009, 12:02 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by nooch View Post
I can't see them ever not bothering me because no matter what the words are, the meaning behind it is still a moral judgment.
I can't say that the comments NEVER bother me, but I can say that they very rarely do, even if the person means it as a moral judgement. To be hurt or offended I have to agree with the person (believe in that judgement, at least a little bit) or respect the person's opinion to be offended by it. If I consider the opinion stupid or crazy, or the person saying it not worthy of my respect, offense just doesn't really seem the appropriate response.

For example, if someone came up to me, and made a comment about my wearing glasses, shocked and offended (and accusing me of being immoral because I wear glasses) it wouldn't bother me, because I'd think the person was a crackpot for thinking that wearing glasses was offensive.

Likewise, if someone came up to me and accused me of being or working with the antichrist (when I worked in a hospital mental ward, this happened to me - when a patient saw my unicorn necklace and informed me that it was a symbol of the devil), am I supposed to be offended?

It's socially accepted, even expected in our culture to lay blame on people for being overweight, but I don't have to accept that, just as I don't have to accept any messages of our culture. I get to make my own rules for myself.

And my rule is that it's silly, even crazy to judge a person based on their weight issues. So, if someone accuses me of being fat, I'm actually more likely to laugh as to feel hurt. But it's a bit like someone "accusing" me of liking the color blue. They may mean it as an insult (as I sometimes do, kiddingly to people who like the color pink), but I don't have to take it as an insult. "So what if I like the color blue?" You're either crazy or an idiot if you think I'm supposed to be "hurt" or supposed to agree with you, if you think I'm bad for liking the color blue.

There's just no point in being offended by idiots and crazy people, or people whose opinion I don't agree with or respect enough to be offended by. Even well-meant advice won't offend me, because the crazy/stupid component still applies. If someone tells me that I really should be talking to the aliens from outer space, and they have the high commander's phone number to give me, I may smile and take the phone number (and throw it in the trash at the nearest opportunity), but I'm not going to be offended by their advice (because it's crazy).

And the stupid/crazy doesn't have to be big, like the above examples for me to be bullet-proof when it comes to insults or unwelcome advice. The person can have "good advice" that I just don't agree with. I get to make the decisions for my life, and advice whether well-intended or meant as an insult doesn't have to "hurt" me, and in fact can't hurt me unless I allow it.

It isn't easy to learn not to allow it, but it gets easier and easier as you practice.
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Old 07-05-2009, 12:13 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nooch View Post
I can't see them ever not bothering me because no matter what the words are, the meaning behind it is still a moral judgment.
I dont necessary see all comments about weight automatically being a "moral judgment".

I am concerned about the obesity problem in this country. I dont think it means that 27% of this country is (insert what ever negative moral judgment you think it means I am making). While I agree that some people are judgmental, if you see judgment "no matter what the words are" then I would suspect that you are inserting your OWN feelings about weight onto the speaker when you really have no idea WHAT their feelings are.

For the original poster...is it possible that at one time YOU judged yourself and had negative self-talk about yourself any time the subject of weight came up and now you are learning that you are NOT (lazy, stupid...whatever you denigrated yourself) So now the comments are not about you, dont send you into negative self-talk.
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Old 07-11-2009, 01:49 PM   #7
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Thinking about this, I do see some comments as intending to express morality or perhaps to guilt someone into a lifestyle change. Or a sign of being mean or ignorant in thinking that a person who is fat doesn't realize or feel bad about it. Some comments are meant to be loving, but not all.

As I'm more in charge of my own life, not just being responsible for things but responsible for me and what I want, then I feel more certain of the decisions I make and less influenced by what others think. If someone thinks I'm fat, so what? I am fat! And I'm the one responsible for that and for choosing my actions in relation to that. If you have information that's useful to me and can deliver it in a loving way, great. If not, then why should I listen to you?

But I never thought I'd develop that attitude. I've thought things like that before, but now I feel it. I'm not even sure how I made that switch. Part of me is afraid that it reflects an unhealthy "acceptance" of being fat, and it means I won't lose weight. But part of me feels empowered by it.
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Old 07-11-2009, 03:19 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lissus View Post
your determination to make the change is probably causing you to subconciously say " yeah, just wait til you see how hot I am later" and smirking inside

Hence the comments not hitting home.

Just my opinion
I know this is why comments made ,don't bother me anymore.
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