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Old 07-02-2009, 01:36 PM   #1
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Default What do you do or say?

So not a huge issue- but my husband and I have a very good friend who comes over at least once a week- sometimes 2-3 times a week.

EACH TIME he comes over he wants to eat out- before we'd go. Now I usually say no. The past two days he has called wanting to eat out. Tuesday when he called we'd already eaten dinner so my husband let him know we already ate.

THEN yesterday he came over and was like let's celebrate- let's go out! I just got pre-approved for a home loan. DH and I were like that's great but dinner's ready, you are welcome to join though. So he ate grilled fish, rice, and vegetables with us.

Later he still wanted to go out for ice cream- my DH wanted to go also. I said to the guys go have fun without me but they kept insisting I go- and when I was there they insisted I get something. I got one small scoop of ice cream and that turned out to be 200 calories. I went slightly over yesterday caloriewise but that's fine. I'm not mad at him, I'm not mad at myself- BUT obviously I'm still trying to lose weight! I had ballooned back up to 216 and finally this week went back down to 212 and I'm determined even more so now to continue the loss.

Now this man is more my husband's best friend- but obviously a good friend of mine. He constantly says he wants to lose weight- but then he always eats out (everyday) and he works out now and then. He tells me he's definitely noticed I've lost weight and I've told him how- he just says oh yeah sounds hard... I don't cook blah blah.

I really like the guy- I do- but I feel like what should I do? I want him to STOP asking everytime for us to eat out with him- he can go out all he wants THEN come over- that doesn't bother me.

The other issue is my husband has MS and the doctor says he should eat a good diet- stay away from fast food, and so on.

I want to speak to my husband tonight and tell him that his friend really has to stop asking us to eat out everytime he calls. And that his friend has to respect that I am trying to lose weight to get healthy, and that because of his MS he has to eat a healthier diet. I will also tell my husband to stop insisting that I ALSO go and eat when I don't really want to (still working on my own self control as well).

Now do you think my husband should speak to him? Just like on the side like hey man we love when you come hang out BUT we just can't eat out anymore or go out for treats either. We hope you understand, and hey you are welcome to eat dinner where-ever you want THEN come over later- but we won't be eating out anymore/like we used to. And I'd invite him over for dinner each time BUT money is tight and we can't afford to feed a third person 2-3 times a week...

I don't want to just speak to his friend then he goes and runs to DH and DH gets upset with me...

Any suggestions I'd totally appreciate it! Any personal experiences on how you dealt with an issue like this would be great

Last edited by beerab; 07-02-2009 at 01:40 PM.
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:43 PM   #2
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I would probably speak to DH and try to express myself in as neutral a tone as possible, avoiding "charged" words. A professor I had a number of years ago was an expert at psychological techniques to help resolve conflict. Really. This is a specialty. And he taught us that when you have to express irritation with another person's behavior it is best to use words like "uncomfortable" and "challenging" instead of "upset" and "disrespectful." It actually does work.

Therefore, I would probably explain to hubby that your friend's behavior is challenging for you to be around and makes you uncomfortable, or something like that. Good luck!

Note: I wouldn't necessarily ask DH to talk to him. I would just make sure the DH understood my reasoning before I did.

Last edited by paradoxx; 07-02-2009 at 02:01 PM. Reason: To clarify
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:46 PM   #3
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I would tell him about the healthy eating ... the doctor's suggestion ... saving money for the house ...

I was going to say you could ask him to bring something with him but I'm not sure what. I also like the idea of asking him to drop in for the evening "Love to see you. Come around after supper and we'll sit outside" or something like that.
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:50 PM   #4
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Maybe you could say something like, "Hey, we are watching our diets/budgets and would love to go but will have to pass, BUT if you want to stop by the grocery store and pick up a rotisserie chicken, I can make us up some chef salads..." Just be honest. He sounds like a good guy, he'll understand.
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:54 PM   #5
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Yep - there's NOTHING wrong with just flat out saying "You know, we're trying to watch what we're eating for health reasons...why don't you come over and we'll cook!" and then cooking something that's celebratory, delicious, company-worthy, and fits in your plan. A real friend, as it sounds like he is, will understand!
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:55 PM   #6
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Hi there!

I know you what you want from DHs' friend, but you can't control what your friend says or does. You have been your friend's eating buddies. This is changing. So your relationship is now changing.

You can't make your DH talk to his friend. Your DH may not want to confront his friend. And IMHO you might just have to respect this. I sure can't force MY DH to do or say anything.

So what to do? It sounds like you and your DH need to be on the same page with respect to eating out. You and your DH need to agree on what and where you will all eat out together. And when the friend asks to "go out for dinner", it is easy to say "we've already eaten" or "no thanks, we're about to sit down but we'll meet you in 30 minutes". AND if your DH agrees, this would be the time to say "because of my MS, I can't eat out anymore becuase the doctor insists that I have a healthy diet. But thanks for the offer. MS SUCKS, man, and I know you'll help me through this." OR YOU can say "you know that DH has MS? Well, that SUCKS, and his doctor doesn't want him eating out so much, so I'm in charge of the meals! Thanks for understanding!!!"
And you shouldn't have to provide meals for this friend 2-3 times a week. He can come over once a week or so IF you can afford it. So ask him to bring some groceries -- you can all hang out together, you'll get help with the costs, and it'll be healthy!!!!

Forcing the issue may not be productive at this time. It can be worked into the conversations "naturally", and probably will be more effective in the long run.

Good luck!!!


Last edited by kiramira; 07-02-2009 at 01:57 PM.
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Old 07-02-2009, 01:55 PM   #7
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I don't think you should tell the guy to stop asking you to come out to eat with him. It's not so much his responsibility to stop asking as it is your responsibility to stop going. Simply say

"Ooo we're stuffed" or
"No, I planned on cooking tonight and I don't want the fish to spoil in the fridge" or
"hubby and I have overdone it with the eating out lately and we need to ease up on our wallets" or... well you see where I'm going with this.

Eventually he'll get the hint. I don't think he's trying to be rude or annoying but let's face it, he's probably used to eating out with you guys alot so it will take some time for him to get used to the new you... you're turning into different people essentially and he'll adjust eventually. I would not try to alienate him by making him feel bad like he's a bad person for asking, you know?
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:25 PM   #8
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If it's happening 2-3 times a week, surely it will get comical soon if keeps asking and you never say yes. Hopefully he will soon get the hint just from that. It sounds like he's nice but a little clueless.
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:45 PM   #9
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If it doesn't suffice for you to say that you don't want ice cream and your DH and this guy insist that you get icecream, that's kind of jerky of them. I would be really annoyed if my SO and/or friend did this to me, and I'd probably just say, "Listen, I said I didn't want it, and I really wish you'd respect that."
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Old 07-02-2009, 04:01 PM   #10
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Thanks guys- you have given me a lot to think about.

You are right we don't have to say yes, and lately we have been saying no a lot. The past few weeks actually. Yesterday was more like he wanted to celebrate- but to me I'm like okay he sees we are saying no more when it's like "hey let's get dinner" but now he's like "let's celebrate?" What's next?

I will be speaking to my husband about him insisting when I've already said no. I just didn't want to argue in front of his friend and say "hey I said NO I don't want ice cream."

I do agree our "relationship" with him is changing.
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Old 07-02-2009, 04:24 PM   #11
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Socially we have been taught to celebrate or "gather" around food.This is something I also struggle with.My DH and I often get invites from friends for dinner or to meet for drinks, both of which cause me diet difficulities.I have now made a deal with me DH.I choose where we go if we accept an invite.That way I can at least control what I eat.
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Old 07-02-2009, 07:18 PM   #12
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Don't know if this would work for you but when my bf wants to go for ice cream (a favorite of his) and asks if I want anything I say no, I'm too full but I'd love to have a bite of yours. I've done this when we're with groups of family members or friends and no one has batted an eyelash.
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Old 07-02-2009, 10:27 PM   #13
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I say that if he's a friend of both of you, I would talk to the hubby first and ask him how he feels about it. Maybe this friend of his is really his outlet where he can eat something bad and not feel horrible about because he can always say "so and so wanted to go out". If your hubby feels the way you do, then have him lightly bring it up to the friend. He can say something as simple as - "we're eating healthier and fast food doesn't fit in our diet anymore" to a white lie like "we're trying to save a little extra money for a vacation later this year, so we can't go out to eat as often". Either way, you get a point across and it's gentle enough that he won't feel like you guys don't want to be around him.
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Old 07-02-2009, 10:35 PM   #14
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When he asks you to go out and eat and you don't want to go. DON"T GO !
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Old 07-02-2009, 10:50 PM   #15
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Bottom line ~ It's your choices that are going to make or break you dear. You can't do it for your husband or your friend, you need to stick to your guns girl. If the boys wanna go fine...you don't have to. If the friend is bummed because you and dh are eating healthier...too bad so sad.

My wife can go to any restaraunt and eat healthy! Can have 0 or 1 drink...any party...any church activity...any pot luck....as for me...not so good.

It can be done....if your friend doesn't come along for the ride...well, send him a thank-you for the memories card!

you can do this!
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