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Old 05-28-2009, 07:45 PM   #1
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Unhappy Just need to vent...

Hi all!
Well, having come back from Perogyville has really thrown me for a loop, and I've been wrestling with my thoughts since then.
I have a deep-seated feeling that I don't BELONG in the town that we are living in right now. I just have the feeling that I should be living back in my home town. Things just feel RIGHT to me when I am there. Out here, I feel like I am just waiting, and passing time until I get back HOME. My parents are aging and there is no one in town there to help them, and I feel guilty about not being there. But most of all, I've always wanted to live in my HOME. TOWN. Even if everyone I knew there has moved on. I just feel so much BETTER there...and I get this way EVERY time I go back for a visit.
I've discussed this with my DH. BUT, my DH absolutely does NOT want to move. He feels at home HERE because he grew up in this area. He has a great circle of guys here. His sister lives a few minutes away. So life for him is great. But for me, with my family 2000 miles away and without a great circle of friends, it just isn't so good. We've talked about it, and the only solution is for me to put my dreams of living back in my home town away. Don't get me wrong -- I have the best DH ever, and a lovely home in a safe community. And our community is in a very desirable area with great weather and history. I should be thrilled with what I have. But this city just isn't my HOME. And I've tried for the last 9 years to make it my home through volunteering and taking classes at the college and becoming involved in the community, but I just don't feel RIGHT here. And this is really really hard...
SO, I've been doing my best NOT to snack just to push these feelings away, but I am slipping.
I know that right now this is mind over matter, and that I have to get a grip on things right away, so I am still accounting for my food and exercising, and am trying to get through this. But this is SO. HARD. And I don't see any resolution to my fundamental problem -- I just want to GO HOME...
Thanks for listening...
Kira

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Old 05-28-2009, 07:59 PM   #2
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That's a heavy load that you're carrying and I feel for you. I know what you mean about the place where you grew up. I can only imagine the opposite pull, keeping your DH happy. But whatever you do, eating will change nothing. You may feel some relief in the short run, but soon the familiar feelings of guilt, anger, and depression will return, and nothing that's really bothering you will have changed. Eating is not the way to deal.
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:11 PM   #3
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That town is no longer your home and you need to quit putting it before your husband. I understand about aging parents, been there and done that. We moved several times during our married life and once our furniture was in place, it was home. My husband was there.
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:31 PM   #4
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Thanks, Peep Smith, for your compassion.
No thanks, Ms Quilter -- I think that it is important to really be honest about how one feels, and right now, I feel that I am sacrificing alot and I'm not so happy. I don't understand HOW you think that I'm putting my town first! I too have moved -- SEVEN times in the past 16 years!!! So I understand about moves and furniture and stuff. I stated that my dream has been set aside...am I not allowed even to feel sad that something that I've dreamed about is not possible???? As a thinking, valid individual, I actually have the RIGHT to have some dreams. Must one sublimate themselves completely once they marry? And why should it be the female half??? Both partners are important, and both partners have the right to express themselves and to have goals and dreams. The key is negotiating things so that both are happy, not just one. I feel bad enough for actually verbalizing this, and to be chided for feeling upset that a dream that I have had for 23 years is gone is downright thoughtless and completely inappropriate...Life sure must have been simpler in 1955, especially if your life's dream has been to make a husband happy...

Kira

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Old 05-28-2009, 09:33 PM   #5
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I can *kind of* relate.

I love my hometown. It's a beatiful place and all of my friends and I frequently discuss how lucky we were to grow up in such a town.

Everytime I go back I entertain what it would be like to move back and raise my own family... and then I come to my senses and realizes it's just nostalgia for my childhood. My home is where I hang my hat at the end of the day- where my true support system is (my DH). I spent a summer in Nashville and I felt just as home there as I did in Denver where I've lived for the last 8 years.

IMHO, home isn't really a place more than it's a state of mind

Just out of curiosity, what is it about your hometown that you can't seem to find where you live now? My mother is on disability and is always ill, so I know that feeling when you leave that you shouldn't be leaving. Do you feel guilty about leaving?
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:45 PM   #6
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Hi there!
I feel that I should be caretaking for my aging parents. I miss the mountains. I miss the sense of familiarity with neighborhoods and districts. I know exactly where to go to get things that are hard to find. I miss the open spaces and the big sky.
Most of my friends are gone from my hometown, but I still miss it.
And I miss the fact that I always had a dream that once we stopped moving around and settled down, it would be in my hometown. I knew what neighborhood it would be. I even knew the house!!! Which is now up for sale!!! In our price range!!!! But I digress...
Anyways, I know that not all dreams come to fruition and my DH is really, really happy here. It is just hard to let go, that's all...and I'll get over it. But as my parents fail in health, I'll really be squeezed in the middle, and I'm not looking forward to it. They are stubbornly independent and won't leave their home and are becoming increasingly frail with noone around to see that they are OK. And they refuse to move to a more secure accommodation...So it is just a bit much right now.
Thanks so much for listening! I'll get through this, though, hopefully without TOO much dietary damage!!!!

Kira
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:51 PM   #7
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Yeah, I commiserate. There's a lot of sensory memories that I draw from my town- smells, in particular. I live in the city and some days I would give about anything to draw a few clean breaths from my river. Ahhh, it makes my heart ache sometimes! (did I mention how cool my hometown is)

It sounds like not being there for your parents weighs heavy on your heart.... and I know it may be trite to say, but this too shall pass
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:58 PM   #8
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I know what it's like not to feel at home in a town... what's weird is that that's how I felt about the town I actually grew up in! Weird, huh? I've found my home now, though, a city I'd never even visited before we moved here, but it's the right place for us, we're home here.

So I totally understand how you feel, and it sucks how impossible the situation is. Both you and your husband have the same strong desire to live in "your" towns, and those towns are 2,000 miles apart.... so there's really no compromising. All I can suggest (in addition to not turning to food for support, of course!) would be to look for whatever things you can to make this new town feel more like home... you said you like knowing where everything is and where to find all the best hidden secrets, well, can you spend some time exploring your new town on bike or foot? Or plan out "recon" missions to each of the shops, parks, libraries, etc over the next few weeks? It could be that, as you start to get a sense for where everything is and what goes on at each place, you might start to feel more connected to the place.

Other than that, you could always try to convince your parents to move out to your new town... if only things were so simple, right?
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:02 PM   #9
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Hi there

I get it. I am in the exact same situation. I grew up in Oklahoma, but live in Colorado. My parents still live in OK, and I have even lived in CO for over 15 years, but it still does not feel like "home." My dh, on the other hand, has lived here his entire life and his entire family is 1.5 hours away. Every time I go home, I just find more and more things to miss about not living there. The weather, the way of life, and most importantly, my parents. They are not OLD (like mid-late 50s) but it's still hard when you feel you can't be there for them. My biggest fear is something happening to my parents and me not being there in time.

So, I totally get what you're feeling. I loooong to move back home, but for better or for worse, I've made this my home. And I am happy here; it may never be "home," but eventually my parents want to retire back here so I think once that happens, it will really feel like home...but that doesn't mean that I still won't miss OK. We have a great home and great jobs here... we want to raise our kids here so moving is really not an option.

I wish I had some great constructive advice for you, but the only thing that I have found that works is just allowing myself to feel sad. It's ok to be homesick, to wish you lived back there. Take a few days to deconstruct, feel what you feel, but try to keep mindful of how you take it out on others... I know i get snippy with DH when I'm feeling the weight of missing home. I have also found that just taking time to have some good laughs with DH, spend some quality time together, and find a project to focus on will help ease the negative feelings. But be kind to yourself in the mean time.
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:33 PM   #10
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Hey Kiramira - I understand. You are truly in a difficult place. My BF and I struggle with the same thing. I want to go back "home", too. I miss my mom and our house there. I miss a smaller city where everything is only a few minutes drive away. I miss having a garden. I miss the seasons! I love my BF but unfortunately have been able to find little to love about the big city we are in. He has his work here though, and a little family left yet in the area. I am feeling terrified that when we finally do get back it will be to take care of my mom and that I'll miss these last years of enjoying her while she has her health. I am in the center of the country and ALL my family is spread out on the three coasts!

For me the answer has to be to spend more time away and with them. I can't ask my BF to move, but I have to meet my needs for family as well. Now to just make that a reality...financially!

I guess my thought is maybe you have to think out of the box a little? Just rethink your dream a little? I wish you the very best of luck!
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:42 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobblefrog View Post
I love my BF but unfortunately have been able to find little to love about the big city we are in..

Well, come sit by me! Can I be of any assistance in acquainting you with this great city of ours?
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:43 PM   #12
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Man, this thread needs to be re-titled "Displaced/wayward children living in Colorado"
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Old 05-29-2009, 12:57 PM   #13
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Morning, all!
Thanks so much to all of you who gave me a boost last night -- I'm still struggling, but I will make it and yes, food is NOT the answer. So I'm going to tough this out and see what I can figure out.
I keep sending my parents the for sales section of our paper, but if you think I'M attached to the land, well, my 82 year old mother is so connected to it. She was born on a farm about 60 miles from her home, and she and dad love going out to visit her parents' gravesites to take care of them and they love to do picnics in the local provincial park. My mom is SO attached, and I respect that. My dad, though, would move in an instant, if it wasnt' for his medical conditions and exceptional specialists that he has established relationships with. And up here in the Great White North, it isn't so easy to find a physician in my town. He can't move without medical support and I fear that the only medical support he would immediately get would be that in an ER. Which isn't good....
Enough!
Thanks, folks, for the kind words. I want to visit JuneBug in Colorado!!!! It sounds so completely amazing....

Kira
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:13 PM   #14
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I have to say that I agree with QuilterinVA. My husband is military, that requires moving. Most people would say "well you choose that life" but when I agreed to marry my husband,he promised to get out, but there were some circumstances that caused that not to happen and I have been a military wie or more than 10yrs. I go where my husband goes, my home is where he goes, period. Is it difficult, YES. My mother is 55yrs old, suffered a massive stroke last year and is living in a nursing home and I can't be there to help. She does have my dad and my brother but I know a part of her needs me there, she also understands I need to be with my husband and children, they are my immediate family now and we live where we have to. I don't believe in adding pressure to him about wanting to move back to my hometown. sometimes you just got suck it up and do what you need to do for your man. You already stated he is a great husband, I take that to mean he tries his best to make you happy, I say return the favor. And yes isusually the wifes job to make such sacrifices.
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:13 PM   #15
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I totally understand! I moved to FL for 4 years with my husband...while he was around family and friends I was totally not in a place I wanted to be. It was so chaotic there...people always in a hurry and no "southern hospitality" to be found. My family was a good 9 hours away from me and with my DH's job having him travel all over the world I was alone a lot. I was totally miserable. Before that my husband was in the Marines but I chose to stay home and finish up college instead of moving around with him. Luckily he was only in for 4 years.

Finally I put my foot down and expressed all of my pent up feeling about living so far away from my family, friends and my hometown. Luckily the main office for his job is based out of New Orleans so all he had to do is put a word in with his boss. Sadly though in the mean time the hurricane came through & turned my world upside down but in the end we are still in LA....near my family and near my hometown of NO. Am I much happier? 1000 times yes

It is something you need to speak with your DH about to see if some sort of compromise can be made. He wouldn't want you to be this unhappy would he?

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