Today wasn't good for me.
My sleeping habits have been wrecked the last 2 days due to work being done on the house.
So I got out of the house today with not a lot of energy... I didn't realize how bad it was until I got to the gym.
I generally work hard/very hard at my exercise. I sweat a lot on the elliptical and lately, I've been upping the incline/resistance so I can keep getting a good workout. It's not easy.
I then spend over an hour doing total body weight training three times a week as my trainer suggests (It can take longer than an hour because of waiting for other people at the gym to finish a particular weight machine).
Generally, I love it. I love the feeling of accomplishment I get from exercising and I'm excited by the beginnings of some feeling of muscle in my arms, et al.
I went on the elliptical for an hour as I usually do... I could not do it in an aerobic state. I thought my body was "pretending to be lazy." I stayed on there, hoping at some point my energy would kick in and I could develop a sweat. Nada.
I tried the treadmill for a bit after the pathetic attempt at the elliptical... I tried for 6 minutes at an easier pace and then realized "okay my body's NOT kidding around here, I literally have NO energy here." (*For those of you wondering, I had left the house for the gym having eaten several cups of steamed broccoli and a salmon patty for protein as my pre-workout meal).
I then tried to do my weight training, to see if "well, if I'm not in a cardio mood, maybe I can still do a bada$$ weight training workout and not call this a total loss?"
I went through all the motions like I usually do .... nada. I still had next to no energy here.
I remember feeling throughout all my time trying to get into an aerobic state --- feeling so angry and upset at myself. I go the gym 6 days a week, and I understand if some days I don't do as well as others, I follow the motto "at least I tried my best!"
This was NOT my best by FAR. I didn't break a sweat (even though the elliptical massaged my ego by saying I burned over 500 calories by the time I hopped off the machine-- yeah, riiiight).
I felt even more miserable by watching others in the gym who clearly had more energy to spare than me. I spent time thinking to myself... I'm not sick, I'm not on TOM... why can't I be more like THEM today?!
I went to my local neighborhood cafe/bookstore after running some errands after my dismal gym experience, ordered a cup of plain rooibos tea, and had a copy of "french women don't get fat" and just burst into tears.
I felt so bad.
Hear me out, I've joined the gym several months ago. A part of my brain is throwing a temper tantrum, saying "I should have been able to drop MORE than 2 or three of pounds with that amount of various cardio machines & weight lifting options?!"
I looked at the "french women don't get fat" book in the cafe and I remembered how much easier it was in the beginning-- I could just walk several miles outside and enjoy my food in small portions and lose weight.
Now, I have to work even HARDER to try to lose weight (in addition to enjoying my meals in small portions).
Then I felt even worse having to go home, prepare my dinner and finish off the rest of my 1,500 caloric intake of chicken, veggies, and a treat of nuts (measured out by measuring cups... I never trust myself to just simply take a handful of nuts or a lick of almond butter from a knife. I'm a serious calorie counter). The thought of eating that much just made me feel like a fat pig (For a long time I ate at 1,200-1,300 calories and lost weight effectively until my weight slowed and I upped it to 1,500 at the advice of my trainer).
Since it's the weekend, I'll be able to get more sleep. (*I'm not trying to make an excuse for myself here, just letting y'all know I'll be able to get more sleep tomorrow!).
I just am upset that I couldn't make my personal best attempt today to exercise. I've never exercised or tried to exercise feeling this sapped of energy here.
I wish it wasn't this hard to lose weight. I'd feel a lot better if I could see a pound or 2 dropped by next week, even though my recent track record doesn't suggest I'll see that on the scale this coming monday
Just a bad day.