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Old 05-08-2009, 02:24 AM   #1
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Unhappy I feel so guilty...

I've been avoiding 3fc for about a week now, even though I need you guys now more than ever. I feel so awful about not being here for you guys and giving support, and then asking for help myself. I feel really selfish, but I'm not in any position to give support right now.

I had some pretty bad family drama around my birthday (April 27th), and it was tugging on my heart for quite a few days. On my birthday I told myself that I'd go one day without counting anything I ate as a present for myself. Needless to say, that was a bad idea. I was so depressed that I kept just eating whatever I wanted as comfort. I'm pretty good at being in denial, so half of the time I couldn't even rationalize with myself into eating better.

Now I'm in this hole I don't feel like I can get out of. I'm so deeply in denial that I can eat whatever and not feel bad about (until afterwards, anyway). I keep telling myself that I'll get back on my diet tomorrow, but of course that doesn't happen.

I don't know what to do to discipline myself. I know it sounds so easy: JUST DO IT. But I can't get myself to. I feel so unmotivated.

I feel like if I'm trying to lose weight I can only focus on that and nothing else. I've got so many other things going on in my life right now that it's so hard to concentrate on anything else. I'm already out of high school, waiting to enter college this fall, and I don't yet have a job. When my life was a bit simpler a month ago I could concentrate FULLY on losing weight, and I did a great job, but that's because my every thought was planning out meals and exercise.

I just don't know how to incorporate counting calories and exercising daily into my life with all of these other things going on. It's crazy. I talked to my therapist today, and she's on a diet now too for health reasons, and she was talking to me about all this. She told me I just need to sit down and figure out how I'm going to incorporate my new lifestyle in to my current life. I do need to do that, I just don't know where to begin.

And again, I'm so sorry for not being here for you guys and not participating in the forum as much as I was. I just need to figure this all out. I need this place more than ever.

Minigoal: 299lbs


-Jeff Buckley

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Old 05-08-2009, 04:04 AM   #2
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Hey I can relate ... it helps me when I don't think about the past or what I am gonna do in the future. What matters the most in NOW!

I have learned to take it one day at a time. Thats what I put my focus on ... one 24 hour time period.

There is no point in feeling bad or guilty about something I did or ate yesterday. Yesterday is gone. TODAY is what counts.

I learned this at www.oa.org

Maybe it can help you too!

I always like to think of the old serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

by Reinhold Niebuhr
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Old 05-08-2009, 05:12 AM   #3
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dear fenderella,
if it will help with your feeling guilty, you are not alone and there are many of us having exactly the same problem! in my twenties i lost 70 pounds or more (i didn't weigh at the time, it was only important for me to be healthy, not thin), i was happier, exercised with joy, lost the need to eat sweets etc. but i totally avoided stress and normal everyday life since i couldn’t stand the pressure and keep up with my healthy lifestyle. of course, everything collapsed once i had a couple of very stressful situations and became depressed because i didn't feel capable of dealing with problems, and found comfort in food again, feeling more and more guilty and angry ‘cause i ruined everything. i gained most of my weight back during last six years.

what i know now is this: if we are living, we will have problems. if i live with an idea that life should be perfectly peaceful, i will always be unhappy enough to eat because there is no such thing as a life without stress.
i now understand i eat because i feel i ‘suffered’ so much during the day – all the stress at work and everyday communication with people in general. i used to let other people get away with things and keep quiet even tough i’m hurt, and couldn’t wait to come home and eat because it will comfort me and silent the restlessness inside. (only – it won’t. it will make the problem even worse.)
stress has to stop being related with food. food is just fuel for our body. if i have problems, i have to deal with them, get angry (never did that), cry, argue... and one of the best ways to get more energetic and let the negative emotions out is - exercise. also – realize i do not have to be a ‘victim’ and do not have to indulge people around me. now i more often say what i really think when people are aggressive or unjust and i eat much more normal. exercise is the way i release the emotions i can't express and i stop myself whenever i feel i could binge because i’m unhappy, since food will not really help.

i wrote much to much (sorry! ) because your post really touched me and i really want to help you understand that you don’t need to wait for ideal circumstances, just live your changed life always and when people make you unhappy, please do not try to deal with that through food. you ARE strong enough to deal with your problems and live healthy in the same time!
guilt is such a waste of time! love yourself and forgive yourself!
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Old 05-08-2009, 07:16 AM   #4
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Hey fenderella,

My experience with drinking alcohol--or rather, not drinking it--may give you some insight. I stopped drinking alcohol completely many, many years ago. I really loved alcohol, and it was hard to give it up. But I had to. Drinking was ruining my life.

Since I stopped, I have been through: Breakups, moves across country, going back to school, finding work, my father's death, my mother's death, the death of three cats, car accidents, illnesses (mine and others')... And through all of these events, I did not turn to alcohol.

People often say "It's different because we can't give up food." Well, that's true--but the problem with food isn't whether we have to eat. The problem is the overeating, the food abuse, the behavior with food, using food like a drug. And if you read many threads here, you'll see that a lot of people are baffled by their behavior with food. They know they shouldn't stuff themselves with junk, but they find themselves doing it anyway. Then they post "What did I do????" Well, they gave in to their drug of choice.

You CAN get through any life situation without abusing food. That doesn't mean you have to starve. It does mean that you have to eat the way you know is right. It may mean that you could benefit from counseling to help you cope with emotions in other ways.

Don't make losing weight so hard that you can't do it. I've heard that before about "How can I stay with counting calories when I have to X?" As another poster said, there is always going to be an X that comes up.

Counting calories and planning meals and getting exercise is not a full-time proposition, nor does it need to be. There are some simple steps you can take right now. One would be, no fast food, no drive-thru, no eating in the car. Another would be, half an hour of physical activity every day. It could be taking a walk, doing an exercise DVD, working with hand weights, or some combination. Again, this does not have to be hard. No need to take up marathon running or shred yourself in 30 days. Another step might be to toss the food in your house that is going to take you off plan, and go to the store for foods that won't get you into trouble.

Just make a start.

"My religion is kindness." --His Holiness the Dalai Lama

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Old 05-08-2009, 08:09 AM   #5
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You know I was in a similar situation before I joined 3FC. I was so overwhelmed by day to day activities and emotionally I was drained. Economically things weren't the best and I found myself in this rut I simply couldn't get out of...then one day, I said enough is enough. I cut off all the extra stuff in my life that was causing me stress to whereas I could completely focus on getting healthy. Sometimes you must sacrifice the external stimuli in order for you to better put your goals into perspective and then act on them.

A big change for me was learning to say no! Not just to food, but saying NO to friends and family. I've always spent more time worrying and doing for those around me that I never could focus on myself. Focusing on myself, my needs, my goals and my feelings allowed me to take control of my life. I just realized, that world wont slow down, if I'm taking a little me time to better prepare myself for life.

Good luck dear and try to remember to think about the consequences to your actions before you do them. That always helps me to. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Last edited by Delphi; 05-08-2009 at 08:10 AM.
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Old 05-08-2009, 11:12 AM   #6
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Hey Fenderella!
I think you have not given yourself credit for your great accomplishements! You have already lost a bunch of weight. You have just hit a rough patch....we all have these. The important thing is you recognized it, and came to get support for it! You DO NOT have to be all supportive of the rest of us, all the time! We all have days where we feel crappy, need a rant, PMS raging. Really the trick is to recognize it, and find a way to alter it. We are your friends, and we understand all that goes along with being fat, stressed, and out of control. We are not here to judge you! Most of us ARE JUST LIKE YOU! I am so glad you came here, there is sooo much love and support here.

You are at a huge transition point in life. It is scary, nerve racking, intense! I agree with the daily exercise, it will help you de-stress. You don't have to change everything all at once, just little tweaks! If you can't seem to control your eating, then forget it for now. But make a commitment to 30 minute walk everyday, to meditate, and reflect. You so deserve this, and maybe it will help you re-focus your energy. You will find a way, I know. Just keep coming back here, and we can get through this together!!!! Make small goals you know you can make. For example, post daily. That one is easy, we are here for you!

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Old 05-08-2009, 01:33 PM   #7
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Missy Miss!

I'm so sorry about the family drama. Life kind of catches up with a person and kicks us in the butt! But remember, a kick in the butt is usually a kick forward! And you've taken the first step -- reaching out for help.

I think what you are doing is normal -- you've slipped back to some habits that make you feel temporarily good because that is what you've always done. But if you DO what you've always DONE, you'll GET what you've always GOT!

You might want to slow down, catch your breath, say three positive things to yourself every single morning when you wake up, and MAYBE find a plan that will be easier to follow for your right now. Structure is always good, because then you won't have to "think", you just have to "do".

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Old 05-08-2009, 01:56 PM   #8
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Fenderella! Sorry to hear things aren't going so well

We miss you over in the 5-lb challenge; how about coming back? Who knows, it might be just what you need to get back on the weight-loss wagon!

I have never, ever, not even one time regretted not eating something. Never. Not once. Turns out telling yourself no feels marvelous. No deprivation passing up on *those foods.* The deprivation is EATING them and remaining overweight. You've got to raise your standards; requiring more from yourself. Challenge yourself. Push yourself. Work past the discomfort. Every time you do it, it gets easier and easier - Rockinrobin

Last edited by Fressca; 05-08-2009 at 01:57 PM.
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Old 05-08-2009, 06:19 PM   #9
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Fenderella, we are here for you! You don't have to feel guilty about being away, and we're so glad you came back! Maybe just the thought of getting back on track feels overwhelming, so maybe it will help if you stop thinking long term and just think of today. Ask yourself, "Can I (not will I, but can I) get through today, just today, without overeating or eating junk?" Can you do it for one day? Just one? If you think you can (and I think you know you can), make that deal with yourself. Say, "For one day, today, I am going to eat well and not overeat no matter what!" Closer to the end of the day, it may get harder, but stick to your deal, that for one whole day you will eat right. And if (when) you are successful, consider making that same deal with yourself the next day. Don't think long term. Admit that you don't know if you can do it long term, but that you do know you can do it for one day. Make that deal. And know that we care about you girlie!!
Slow Carb Diet (*Modified), Re-Started 6/14/16 > ----------Slow Carb Diet (*Modified), Started 5/3/15, Met 1/23/16!

*See my modified Slow Carb Diet plan @ Carb-Sensitive Dieting (Thread 5)

GOAL: 164 lbs, Normal Weight (BMI)
MAINTENANCE GOAL: Keep slow-carbing!

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Old 05-08-2009, 11:17 PM   #10
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You know what helps me? I sit down on Friday or Saturday and make a meal plan for the week. I know roughly the calories in every meal I cook, so I just choose a lunch for the week and a dinner for the week and plan to have the same thing every day, Monday-Friday. Then I go grocery shopping, armed with my list, and on Sunday I cook and package everything. That way I have all my food prepared and ready to grab no matter what else is going on in my life that week.

Sounds complicated, I know, but it actually makes my life SO MUCH EASIER. I don't have to think all the time about my diet and weight loss, because I have a food plan already in place and prepared, and I have a workout schedule that very rarely changes. That's what works for me. As someone who obsesses about weight loss the same way you do, I think it would probably help you to give preplanning a try.
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Old 05-09-2009, 03:55 AM   #11
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Thank you guys SO MUCH! This is exactly what I needed. I won't act as if it's all miraculously better, but at least I made some progress today. Every word in this thread was helpful.

I never think to take things slowly. I either do something completely or don't do it at all, and that's been my problem with SO many things. This is one of those things that I can afford to take my time with. I'm ditching my long term time-limit (goal). I'm just going to focus on being healthy, weight loss with come with that no matter what. I kept telling myself I need to be 250lbs by college, but giving myself a time limit isn't helping at all, it's only making me feel more pressured to get on track ASAP. And I can't do that, I have to take it slow.

So I'm going to take your advice and focus on one thing at a time. Right now I'm going to focus on planning out meals. They may not work out exactly as I plan, but at least I'll have a template to work with. Planning is what helped me so much in the first place.

I'm also gonna start posting here at least once a day. This place is so helpful and inspiring, I don't think I could do this without this support and motivation. Plus once I actually get back into the swing of things I can start having fun with challenges and whatnot again.

One more thing - I'm getting back on my medication. I know I said that before, but I mean it this time. I keep telling myself it's just hormones and it'll go away. I'm in such deep denial it's ridiculous. I keep having to tell myself "IT DOES NOT GO AWAY ON IT'S OWN". So I'm officially getting back on them today. Once I start feeling better it'll be so much easier to work this all out.

And again, thank you guys so much. I don't even know why I hesitated to post here.

Minigoal: 299lbs


-Jeff Buckley

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Old 05-12-2009, 03:19 AM   #12
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hey fenderella! I hear ya! I find it so hard to stick to my plan and my goal. I've been off plan for about 4 months and I thought last week I'd start anew. Well I made it Sun, Mon & Tues and then nuthin. So now here I am and I hope to start exercising again tomorrow and making healthy choices. I actually just came here for some inspiration as I'm feeling down in the dumps and not able to sleep. I'm reminded that I need to do this for myself, without pressure and without badgering myself when I go off track. I have to keep my focus on getting healthy for life not just shedding this many pounds. Yes I'd love to be 130lbs, but that to me seems so far away. What I need to do is focus on it Day by Day. Take all the opportunities in the day I can to make a better food choice to add some activity, to give it my all when I do work out and be proud of my little successes.

Just wanted to say your not alone and I hope we can both accomplish our goals!
Motivation is Effort Directed to a specific purpose! It's not an abstract idea it's an action.
Weight loss won't come unless I put my effort in to it!

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Old 05-12-2009, 08:27 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by fenderella5678 View Post
I never think to take things slowly. I either do something completely or don't do it at all, and that's been my problem with SO many things. This is one of those things that I can afford to take my time with. I'm ditching my long term time-limit (goal). I'm just going to focus on being healthy, weight loss with come with that no matter what. I kept telling myself I need to be 250lbs by college, but giving myself a time limit isn't helping at all, it's only making me feel more pressured to get on track ASAP. And I can't do that, I have to take it slow.
Good for you, this is a big realization, and I'm glad you're doing better. You absolutely can get out of this hole, look at how well you've done so far! Planning meals, counting calories, and exercising really doesn't take that much time. Thanks to sites like Fitday and The Daily Plate, you can tally what you've eaten for the day in about 10 minutes. Like Jay said, exercise for 30 minutes if you don't have an hour. It might take a bit of time to plan meals, but make a master list and then choose from those, that will save you time.

I think we've all been where you're at. It all just seems to hard and overwhelming, and maybe we have a fleeting thought that it's not worth it. But if you break it up into smaller steps it seems more manageable. I have a black belt in denial, and one of the things that really helps me is to make a list of all the reasons I want to lose weight and then when I'm tempted to eat something I know I shouldn't I look at each item on the list and ask, "Which do I want more, a candy bar or X?" It really puts things in perspective.

I know you'll be 100% back on track in no time. You CAN do this.
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