Well, chicks, I'm feeling a little bit scared or something. I'm not quite sure what it is, so maybe you can help me figure this out.
I've mentioned before that several years ago, I lost a little weight (about 30 pounds). It was only half of what I needed to lose, but I felt like I looked pretty good and was feeling healthy, starting to attract male attention, etc. I was healthy, riding my bike, walking, lifting weights, watching my diet--doing everything right. And then one day, I got tired of being so careful (or so I told myself) and thought I would just try to maintain for awhile. And I did maintain, for over a year, but then after a brief relationship (that I wasn't really that emotionally invested in), I quit. I quit weighing, I quit exercising, I quit caring. By last spring, I had gained back 15 of it; by January, I had gained an additional 25 (mind-blowing, I know).
So now I'm back on track. Everything's cool, I've lost 20 pounds, I'm finally in the groove and feeling like I can do this thing. And last night I felt it....this niggling feeling of fear. I felt it again today. Not bad, not for long, but this icky, scary feeling that just kind of washes over me. Not that I can't do it.....but fear that I can. Fear that I will. Fear that I will cease being invisible to men, even though I HATE being invisible (or at least I think I do).
So what is this? Physically and emotionally, I feel very healthy and strong. I feel happy. I can tell that I'm getting smaller, and I can feel my blood circulating after I exercise. I am sleeping like a baby. So what is this little thing of fear that keeps washing over me? I now recognize it; it's the same feeling I had when I was 30 pounds down and I told myself that I looked good enough, that I should stop for awhile.
Man, I sound like a head case. I want to try to figure this out now, so that I can push through and keep eating right, keep exercising, keep being happy. Because when I gained it back, I was NOT happy. I was fat and sick and depressed, and I don't want to go back to that place!