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Old 04-20-2009, 06:50 PM   #1
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Hi, my name is Dan. I've been having issues with my GF. We have a somewhat troubled relationship as it is. We are both overweight, the only difference is that im doing something about it. My girlfriend is miserable with her weight. Iv e tried being a support and I've tried helping her get on track, but there's always an excuse. She doesn't wanna exercise with me, so she's not going to. And I hate that attitude. Its causing issues in our relationship because im getting fed up with her not doing anything because I feel like its hurting our relationship. I feel like our relationship is never going to get better if she is miserable and not doing anything about it. And she's becoming resentful towards me not only because my frustration is coming out more often, but also because im losing weight. And I know what its like to be so depressed that you don't feel like doing anything, heck, that's how I gained so much weight in the first place. So I do understand to an extent what she's going through. I've just been really upset about it, and I don't know hat to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Sorry about the rant.
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Old 04-20-2009, 07:13 PM   #2
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Hey Dan,

Sorry to hear about the problems you're having. My suggestion would be that you focus on your own weight loss and not bug her about it. It's really easy to become too much of a "cheerleader" for weight loss when you're the one losing, and it's rarely appreciated by people who are still struggling with taking that first step.

Try to encourage her, but just as an example, don't try to drag her to the gym with you. If she wants to go to the gym, she should go by herself and work out by herself, without being under your watchful eye. And by all means, don't get hypercritical of what she's eating or start asking her a bunch of investigation questions about how much, what, and where. You're not the food police.

It's possible that your relationship won't survive the challenge of you losing and her not losing--but again, focus on yourself. Don't express your disappointment with her. That's really not cool. Work on your own weight loss, and be cheerful and supportive without being insistent or trying to get her to do "the right thing." Ask her if she wants to lose weight, and if she says yes, ask her what you could do to help. Don't tell her what you think she should do, ask her what she thinks you could do. It may be that the answer is "Leave me alone."

For what it's worth!

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Old 04-20-2009, 07:24 PM   #3
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Jay's right. Focus on yourself, and maybe by seeing your improvements she'll catch on and want to do it for herself. She's the one that has to make the first step and do it, and no amount of cajoling from you is going to help.

Don't let her frustration get you down or side tracked. Stay focused and think about you first.
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Old 04-20-2009, 07:31 PM   #4
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Thanks for the reply. I think you are right about focusing on me and not being pushy and overly aggressive about it. I do have tendancy to do that. I feel like kind of have to distance myself from her because im afraid her depression is gonna drag me down, plus she still has a lot of the bad habits im trying really hard to break. I don't wanna be mean about it, but like how do I tell her that I want my distance for a while, but if you need help or if you .need a partner, im here for you without being rude? I sound like a jerk, but I feel like if I don't distance myself from here, im gonna end up regressing.
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Old 04-20-2009, 09:53 PM   #5
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Hi Dan,

Nice post. Welcome to 3FC! and congrats on realizing that extra weight can bring on depression and all sort of other undesirable effects. Good for you to embark on your weight loss journey!
Unfortunately, as Jay said, your relationship may not survive this but don't let that slow you down. You have to realize what is more important. Hopefully your girlfriend will become more motivated when she sees your results but don't push her. You can't make do something - it has to come from within. SHe will do it when she is ready. Good luck and keep us posted about your progress!
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Old 04-20-2009, 10:49 PM   #6
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Maybe your girl just has a "this is my problem and I will deal with this how I want to" attitude. I know for myself, I take it hard when my fiance makes comments about what I'm eating or if I'm not exercising, etc. You can make little changes. Make her a dinner and substitute otherwise unhealthy choices for better ones. Take a nice, romantic walk together to burn some calories. Do something physical and don't mention exercise but say that you want to spend more time together and try other things. Focus on using "healthier" instead of "losing weight". It may help soften the blow until she feels more comfortable and is able to deal with her own issues.
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:26 PM   #7
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When I first started losing weight, my obese husband wanted nothing to do with it. He was threatened by it. Afraid that I would no longer want to go out to eat, would no longer enjoy food, would make him eat tasteless food... and much more.

His habits were still bad and I was trying to improve... the first 3-4 months of my weight loss were hard, because I had to fight him too -- wanting me to eat what he was, etc.

He really did a turn around when he realized that I was not only successful, but was eating really yummy food to boot. He said he wanted to join me. That was what I had wanted all along but I realized he had to want it for him, I couldn't want it or do it for him....

Anyway, it took a while, but he turned around and both of us started getting healthy together. So, there is hope, but she is going to have to come to it on her own.
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:35 PM   #8
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Don't you think you are trying to control her ? You say she has a lot of bad habits that you are triyng really hard to break. What ? If she has bad habits it is up to HER to do something about it. If she has a weight problem all the nagging the world will not help. You cannot make someone do something they do not want to do.
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Old 04-21-2009, 12:05 AM   #9
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It's frustrating when people complain about their situation yet seem to choose to stay there. She sounds a bit stubborn.

You can't change her. You can't make her exercise. You can't make her eat well. You can take care of yourself, offer advice when she seeks it, and if it she gets on board like Heather's DH, then great! If not, then your relationship may not survive the changes you are making as JayEll said.

Good luck to you. I know it's frustrating.
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Old 04-21-2009, 12:27 AM   #10
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I agree that you should try to cook yummy healthy foods, or do "healthier" activities like going for a walk instead of sitting in front of the TV or something.

I really hope you can help her, but your priority is you. Maybe you could just tell her

"I am not trying to change you, I love you the way you are. Sometimes, it seems like you don't love you the way you are and I just want you to know that I am doing this for myself and my health and I would be so happy if you let me help and support you. I'll be here for you if you decide you would like to join me."

Or something along those lines.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:34 AM   #11
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Sigh, I DEFINITELY hear ya on this issue....

Like others have already said... you can't make/force/begs someone to also lose weight... they have to want to do it for themselves.

All you can do is focus on your own weight loss efforts and hope it inspires your gf at some future point

Have you thought about recommending her this site to vent/chat/post her own weight loss concerns?

& welcome to the forum!

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Old 04-21-2009, 08:12 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NXL View Post
Hi, my name is Dan. I've been having issues with my GF. We have a somewhat troubled relationship as it is. We are both overweight, the only difference is that im doing something about it. My girlfriend is miserable with her weight. Iv e tried being a support and I've tried helping her get on track, but there's always an excuse. She doesn't wanna exercise with me, so she's not going to. And I hate that attitude. Its causing issues in our relationship because im getting fed up with her not doing anything because I feel like its hurting our relationship. I feel like our relationship is never going to get better if she is miserable and not doing anything about it. And she's becoming resentful towards me not only because my frustration is coming out more often, but also because im losing weight. And I know what its like to be so depressed that you don't feel like doing anything, heck, that's how I gained so much weight in the first place. So I do understand to an extent what she's going through. I've just been really upset about it, and I don't know hat to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Sorry about the rant.
Wow, I have so many questions, but I don't think it matters, it sounds like you have made up your mind and just want someone to tell you to kick her to the curb. It would be interesting to know if she, (and you) were overweight when you started dating. (Misery LOVES company.) What attracted you to her when you met? DId you become serious because you both had the "fat" thing in commen or is this something that happened later?. Did the two of you meet "working out"? Did she have a buff body and let it go to h*ll after the two of you became serious? Good for you getting healthy, just do what you need to do and don't prolong the agony for your gf. It not fair to her.

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Old 04-21-2009, 01:40 PM   #13
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My situation is a lot like Heather's.

At first my husband wasn't interested in the changes I was making. He was supportive, but just not interested. At first I tried to get him to change with me, but he resisted and I finally learned (thanks to the wisdom here at 3FC) that I needed to leave him alone and let him come to his own decisions.

Low and behold he's finally come around after about a year. Still not to my extent, but he's taking small steps in the right direction. He's conscious of calories (doesn't track, but is conscious) and about a month ago he decided he wanted to try running with me and is doing C25K.

I just left him alone and let him come to his own decisions. If he ever made a "maybe I'll...." type of comment I would just say "If you want to, I'll help you out if you like". Or with the running he said he "might" try C25K and I just said "Cool. If you do I'll run it with you."

That's what we're doing and it's fun now but it took a year for him to see that my changes weren't radical or nuts and actually a good thing.

If you're really interested in this girl, back off some and let her watch you if that's all she does for now. As she sees your changes, successes, and happiness grow she will most likely become intrigued and want to try too.

Everyone has to come to these things on their own terms.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:43 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NXL View Post
I don't wanna be mean about it, but like how do I tell her that I want my distance for a while, but if you need help or if you .need a partner, im here for you without being rude? I sound like a jerk, but I feel like if I don't distance myself from here, im gonna end up regressing.
It sounds like you really think a breakup or temporary break is necessary. Just tell her you need to concentrate on yourself for the time being, and definitely don't say anything making it about her weight or habits.

I also have to add that even a fit significant other wouldn't necessarily be 'in this' with you. A partner needs to be supportive -- and my husband is -- but he still eats everything he wants and he rarely exercises with me. He's never been overweight and he gets plenty of exercise in the course of his workday. Basically, he just enjoys that I make fish for dinner more often, etc., and he also admitted that the roasted/steamed side dishes at thanksgiving were just as good as the candied/cheese'd things of previous years.

So I'm sure you know what's best for you, but -- there is a chance that maybe all you need is a fitness buddy, not for your girlfriend to also be your fitness buddy.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:50 PM   #15
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If you weren't thinking of ending things with your girlfriend before, why would you now? If all was fine in the relationship...nothing has to change. So she's not ready to take the steps you're taking...what if the situation was reversed? What if SHE was working out and leaving you behind? What if SHE had pushed you to eat differently and work out before you got ready to? What would you think of her for dumping you or requesting "space" to concentrate on yourself in a reversed situation?

What she'll think is maybe what I would've thought if I'd been in the situation...that you're "too good" for her now that you're getting healthy. There's really no good or easy way to tell her.

If you love her and nothing about her, as a person, has changed, then there's no need for a break. Like WhitePicketFences said...you may be looking for a workout buddy, and your girlfriend might not be it.
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