I had two women in Starbucks that were literally apologizing - to me - for their choices at Starbucks. I have no idea what I did to seem critical... I walked in and the (average sized) woman in front of me started apologizing about her cake choice and the unhealthy coffee choices she made. I kind of chatted with her. Then I ordered my skinny latte and some little madeline cookies and went to wait behind her for my coffee. She and another woman apologized to me again!
I said nothing to seem critical about her choices, absolutely nothing. I can't figure out why she was so defensive about what she ordered, or why she cared what I thought to begin with. Is that just how women communicate now? I was nice to her and chatted back, I ate my cookie in front of her... it was weird.
Ever had random people seem defensive about their choices to you?
Priscatip, I have to admit I'm totally baffled - not only can I not imagine why somebody would feel compelled to defend a choice to a stranger - I'm not even sure how I would respond if somebody did it to me! Sounds like you handled it with total grace.
I had a similar thing happen - I went to eat at McAllister's Deli for lunch one day by myself, ordered a large salad, a small bowl of soup and a water. I was seated at a table and was reading a book on the eReader on my cell phone while waiting for the food to be brought out and could hear two women at the table next to me (open dining room, they were on the other side of the center aisle from me) talking about how they both had a hard time losing weight, how hard it was to exercise, etc. They were both what I would consider on the larger size of average, but still average size. I didn't turn and look at them, didn't even acknowledge I heard them (I'm great at eavesdropping without being noticed, comes from being in HR I guess - I always have an ear out for employee grumbling.) The young man who brought my salad and soup had a second plate in his hands - a chocolate lava cake that was about the size of a medium sized dinner plate - that he delivered to the table with the two women next to me. I ate my salad, honestly forgot that they were there - really good book. They got up to leave and one of the two of them stopped next to my table and stared at me until I looked up. She then said "I guess you are looking up the calories in that cake, aren't you? At least we shared it instead of ordering two." She then started telling me that if she looked like me she would be more inclined to eat a soup and a salad but she got depressed so she ate cake. I didn't say a word - just stared at her confused until she muttered something kind of rude under her breath and walked away, and I could hear her friend saying 'some people are just rude' as they walked out.
It sounds like you handled it a lot better than I did, apparently!
I don't know why they approached me - maybe they got defensive since I was sitting there with my phone and assumed I was sending messages about them? Maybe they just noticed the soup and salad and felt weird that it was brought out at the same time as the cake (which I really really wanted, by the way, just didn't get at the last minute)? Who knows.
Many girls I spend time with seem to apologize for the way they eat... if someone's eating alone they seem to have to justify it with "I'm really hungry, I didn't even have any breakfast etc", as if it's not okay to eat when no one else is, and if someone has another portion of something they yet again have to justify why.. maybe it's my age group. Though my parents do the same thing...
I don't think it's about you, it's all about them. Maybe something about an eating disorder? I know while being anorexic and bulimic I'd avoid eating in public and also feel very guilty for what I was ordering compared to what other people was having, sometimes felt like other customers where watching, evaluating and cricticizing what I was eating even though I know they weren't. Maybe that's it.
This sort of happened to me last night when I went out to IHOP with coworkers on our break. I ordered from the "diet" menu (as one of my coworkers referred to it) along with 2 other people and the rest of our group ordered regular stuff. The coworker sitting accross from me got this big combo breakfast that had eggs, bacon, sausage, hashbrowns, pancakes and toast then she proceeded to say that she never ate that way therefor she could afford to have a big meal out every once in a while and she was going to work on losing some weight "next week."
I don't know if she was feeling defensive because I chose something healthier or perhaps she was just trying to convince herself of something....
I don't think it has anything to do with you - as many women have huge amounts of emotion and guilt about everything they eat. She obviously felt conflicted about what she was going to eat.
I find that men when they decide to lose weight are not as self-loathing about the process. Women are like "I've been "bad" "I'm a fat pig!" and etc etc., it's actually super counter-productive because when you give yourself that message you sometimes then behave in that way.
I'd say it's them, not you. Perhaps some kind of reflex to justify one's choices when seeing someone who's ordering a 'healthier' option.
Perhaps what propped them to apologize was the same feeling I'm sure a lot of us have already had? That feeling of "whoa, wait a minute, I'm eating a bagel in public, of course everyone around me must now think that I'm pigging out and that's why I'm fat". So maybe they got defensive about it because they had that kind of thoughts too?
I don't get approached by people, but when my husband and I go out to eat in our small town, and I get something like a cheeseburger or fish or something that I "shouldn't" be eating since I lost weight, people stare like CRAZY.
My sister is horrible about justifying her food choices to me now, though. We're the same height, and she's starting her weight loss journey at 350 pounds+. I met her for lunch one day in the town mid-way between my town and where she lives. A year or so ago, when I was larger, we'd have both ordered and just talked normally. Now, though...I ordered the baked fish, some mashed potatoes and veggies, and nibbled a bit on some fried pickles (weird, yet good) that we got as an appetizer before putting them away in a box she took home. She ordered a burger and fries. We talked normally 'til the food came out...then the conversation centered on her wanting to lose weight. She cut the burger in half and left most of her fries, which is good....but she didn't do it because she wasn't hungry. She felt self-conscious of the way I was eating compared to her. She's doing that a lot recently...makes it awkward and uncomfortable to go out to eat with her...
Once we had lunch together, and I ordered grilled chicken that came smothered in cheese. I scraped off the cheese and ate most of the chicken, some beans and rice. After I ate I went to use the restroom and in front of an ENTIRE RESTAURANT full of people, she asked when I got back to the table, "So did everything you just ate come up ok?" Grrrrrr....
Once we had lunch together, and I ordered grilled chicken that came smothered in cheese. I scraped off the cheese and ate most of the chicken, some beans and rice. After I ate I went to use the restroom and in front of an ENTIRE RESTAURANT full of people, she asked when I got back to the table, "So did everything you just ate come up ok?" Grrrrrr....
Awww...hate when it happens.
As a former anorexic and bulimic, once a coworker met me on the stairs and said he felt bloated as he ate too much at lunch. I did eat too much too (that was true) and he exited out as 'Did you eat 1 1/2 packet of crackers instead of 1 only??'...of course in front of people...I hate it.
Sometimes I know people just speak without even thinking, and other times they don't realize. In my sister's case she was, I think, just expressing her own frustration at not being able to lose, or slow to get started. Since then things have calmed down somewhat, although she's still hesitant about eating normally in front of me. She's gone down a pant size, though....so something's working for her. I'm proud of her, but she wouldn't listen to me say it...to her the older sister is supposed to lead, and the little sister should follow. This time it didn't happen that way....
That is pretty bizarre. The only thing that happens to me is with people that know me. I am constantly around people eating pizza and cookies that I truly don't want anyway and someone almost always apologizes to me for eating the "bad" food in front of me. Really. I'm not tempted at all. It's ok.
I think people are generally a bit wacky, no doubt this applies to every person on the planet.
I've never had strange people approach me about the food that I eat, but then again I don't eat out that much. Family, however, that is a different story. I remember on visit, oh I was about 20 pounds heavier or maybe more, and I went to a family visit that lasted a few days. You know the "everyone come over and just sleep where ever" oh and the "we didn't really plan for all these people so buy us groceries" kind lol. Anyhow, for breakfast I would have a spinach salad, something nice, and the looks were nutty. One day in particular they went out and brought home a giant thing of donuts and I didn't want any of it. Really, it looked like sugar sugar sugar and that is gross to me now. So, anyhow, they sort of ate it while I made myself a quick salad. They had a look of "wow, maybe we shouldn't have bought these" because they thought I was struggling i guess. However, i wasn't and made it clear that i didn't want it. To me eating a donut is like dumping a cup or more of sugar in your mouth and that is gross! lol I didn't have an issue, but they sure did.
I think that says something. It isn't you, it is them. People feel guilt about so many things and food is defiantly one of them.
Last edited by Jacquie668; 03-27-2009 at 06:06 AM.
It's an epidemic. I'm convinced of that. About 95% of the women I meet have extremely conflicted feelings about food. Even those women who are "normal" weight or even underweight. Many feel guilty about eating nearly anything at all. (As healthy females, we apparently should subsist on de-ionized air & pure spring water.) Particularly if someone sees them eating. It's like they have to say, "Yes, you caught me -- I'm eating, but I rarely ever, ever do this & you just happened to catch me during a weak moment, when I was famished. See I'm only eating a tiny bit, enough to sustain a bird. And it's completely healthy."
I'm angry about this, actually. How did so many of us get to be this way?
It comes out in social situations, when we're observed by other women. That's the thing that makes me angry.
Sometimes it's like scene in Henry Jaglom's movie, "Eating," where a group of women celebrate & cut a cake, and pass around a slice of the cake, and the slice goes round & round the room, and only one woman -- an older woman, the oldest in the group -- is willing to dig in.
Other times it's the complete opposite -- it's like everyone looks around, nods to one another, as all assent, and all give their permission to one another -- and then all dive in, like a football scrimmage, tacitly agreeing that anything goes, it's binge time.
I don't know which situation scares me more. I'm exaggerating both, but there are waves of these feelings passing over a group whenever two or more women get together to eat.
I have a buddy a work (been friends for six years). Actually we are BFF and we always discuss our weightloss progress together because we are on WW and then we discuss what exercises we will be doing or what we did the night before. And if there is a chick in the area they immediately justify what they are eating (because it is usually luch time) and then ask about info on what er are doing. Of course they never do it, but the thing is my BFF and i are not even the least bit concerned. We are only concerned with each other....in our own little worlds..
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They had a look of "wow, maybe we shouldn't have bought these" because they thought I was struggling i guess. However, i wasn't and made it clear that i didn't want it. To me eating a donut is like dumping a cup or more of sugar in your mouth and that is gross! lol I didn't have an issue, but they sure did. Posted by Jacqui
I totally hate that! If I wanted one that bad then I would eat one. I am perfectly fine with what I am eating...Thank YOU!!!
Defensiveness
