Location: Louisville, KY (though really I'm a Michigander)
Posts: 75
S/C/G: 185/180/155
Height: 5'8"
My husband's weight
Ugh, I don't even know how to start this thread.
I married a man who weights almost 400lbs. His weight was not an issue when we started dating... it didn't become an issue until I realized what his weight could mean to our future, once I started becoming interested in a future with him. I went ahead and married him, because I figured he can change his weight, and he's got everything else going for him.
I've talked with him, over and over, in every way I can think of, to try and get him to lose weight. He's heavy enough that I'm pretty sure he's not going to make it another 20 years. He wants to lose weight... I try to help, but what he thinks is "healthy" is really still bad for him... and he hasn't lost any weight.
He said that if he got a gym membership, he'd go. He'd gone before, but stopped because of whatever. So I got that membership... and he only went when I nagged him. I stopped nagging him, and he stopped going.
I really have no idea what to do. We've gone through 3 computer chairs in the past 2 years... they always break. The cheapest one that will support his weight is over $300... he also wants a new bed, because the one we have is broken down. I won't get a new bed, because he'll just break the new one down as fast as this one. I've tried explaining to him, as nicely as I can, that being morbidly obese costs you... not just health care, but in ways you don't even realize.
Every angle I can think of, I've tried. He doesn't like being overweight... he constantly makes fun of and expresses disgust at people who don't even weigh as much as him. I've tried being supportive, I've tried crying, I've tried cooking for him (he just buys fast food more often), I've tried ignoring it.
I'm not ready to give up yet. The only thing I HAVEN'T tried is an ultimatum, and I don't want to do that. But I also don't want to be 50, him dead, and me all alone. I don't want him to suffer the way he eventually... right now, he's only 30, so he can still get around and do most things (as long as it's not too hot out...) but eventually it'll catch up with him and then be even harder to lose the weight.
I know, this was long and rambling. I don't know what to do anymore! Someone help please...
Sigh... unfortunately, you can't "make" someone want to lose weight. I do think you should tell him how you feel and what you wrote in this post. That's a beginning.
All you can do is focus on your own weight loss progress. You came to the right place though!
One day he will not be able to get up. What will you do then? I know--this must be scaring you terribly.
I think at some point you may to have to get to that ultimatum, and mean it. A strong incentive to change might help him. As long as he can find a way to work around the issue, he will. Have you tried getting him to a doctor, getting him on a serious medically supervised program? Because at that weight, he is going to need more support than you can probably give him.
In a sense, he's the one giving you the ultimatum. Either you wave goodbye to your own freedom and spend your life caring for him when he's ill and unable to move, or you leave. If his current behaviour continues, these are the choices he is leaving you with. He's only 30 right now. You can either see that as plenty of time to change and live happy, healthy lives together, or a sentence ahead of you lasting decades where you will continue to feel as you feel right now. Something has to change, and either you both do it together (which I hope you can do), or you make a choice for your own well-being.
I think you need to speak with him again, and it needs to be serious. I'd articulate all of the stuff you've written in this post, including the ultimatum - there's no need to give it now, but there's no point in pretending that it isn't an option. I agree with Jay's advice - this is a terrible situation and it must be extremely difficult for you, but the only thing that should happen now is action - you can't stand still and let this happen, and hopefully he will see that he needs to take action too. I'd seek as much support from people around you as you can get.
I hope this post doesn't sound offensive, but I wanted to give my honest reaction to your post. Best of luck to both of you in whatever you choose to do.
Location: Louisville, KY (though really I'm a Michigander)
Posts: 75
S/C/G: 185/180/155
Height: 5'8"
I did get him to go to a doctor last year... the stupid doctor told him he's in surprisingly good health. He took this to mean that he's fine. I told him it just means he's in good shape FOR HIS WEIGHT. I don't know if the doctor talked to him about his future health or not, but it seems like he didn't.
Eventually it will have to come down to an ultimatum. I'm gonna keep working at it... we've only been married for a year and a half. I talked to him some tonight, and maybe he'll start working on it. My mom says that I should nag him, and just ignore it when he gets pissed at me, and keep at him.
I'm thinking of going to a therapist for both of us. I think there's some deeper issues here.
This advice has helped me a lot, too....I'm having the same issue with MY husband. He's 30 and 6 foot 2 inches tall, and weighs about 290 pounds. He KNOWS he needs to lose weight, but he's got a severe problem with emotional eating. He has a bad day...gotta eat. He's mad...gotta eat. We go out on weekends, and he's gotta eat a bunch of fried stuff and a king sized candy bar AFTER drinking beer. It's always fried or sweet stuff. I've tried just not buying the stuff, but he's a truck driver and has infinite access to convenience stores all day long. So if he doesn't get it at home, he'll buy twice as much while he's gone.
I'll eventually be just like you. Right now my husband is physically capable of doing the entire first workout of the 30 Day Shred without resting....but I can see where his weight will grow and grow and it scares me.
That's the first hard lesson I learned after I got married. You can't change them. This is something he is going to have to want to do himself. All you can do is be supportive of him. Encourage him and keep talking to him. Maybe one day he will wake up and see what he needs to do.
Go to a therapist, decide if you have a future with him if he doesn't change, and act on it.
Only he can lose the weight. My dad had a weight issue and man it was tough as my mom wanted him to lose it. My dad saw this as a control issue. Needless to say, noone was happy EVER in our home. For years. We would have been better off had they separated.
Anyways, you can't make him lose the weight. Any pressure from you will worsen things. This is HIS problem. I know, by extension, it becomes your problem. So the only thing you need to sort out is "can I accept him as he is without trying to change him?". If the answer is NO, then you need to move on. If the answer is YES, then you need to accept that this is his problem to solve, and you can't make him do it nor can you do it for him.
Sounds easy, but I know it isn't...
Kira
I did get him to go to a doctor last year... the stupid doctor told him he's in surprisingly good health. He took this to mean that he's fine. I told him it just means he's in good shape FOR HIS WEIGHT. I don't know if the doctor talked to him about his future health or not, but it seems like he didn't.
This is seemingly the problem with doctors these days. I recently went for a physical and even though I am OBESE, all my blood test results came back normal and healthy. A lot of doctors seem to think that because you're OK now, don't worry about it. Preventative medicine seems to not catch on around here... not sure why. I get the same reaction when I go to my yearly at my OB/GYN and talk about wanting to lose weight to have kids. "Oh don't worry," she says, "I've seen plenty of people in all sizes get pregnant and have babies." OK, I believe her, but wouldn't it be better if I was healthy and not overweight? wouldn't it cut down on my risk of gestational diabetes if I wasn't already obese? This stuff really gets to me. Just because your husband is healthy in terms of cholesterol or triglycerides doesn't mean that he won't have a problem later on in life. The time to be preventative is NOW instead of waiting until there is already a problem!
I think the best you can do is lead by example. Ultimately, it is not your body and not your responsibility.. and I wouldn't nag, because I think that will just turn him off and he may become resentful. He has to make the choices for himself.
It's one thing to nag, another to walk the walk with him. I can gripe at my husband for hours on end about how he needs to go to the gym - but what does that say if I'm not? I do it with him, it's our date - we go together when he goes. If he doesn't want to go, well - I'll still go.
Same with food, he can eat junk alone, or we can have a great time preparing it and dining together as a family.
It's a family issue, in my opinion. My husband doesn't have a weight problem, WE have a weight problem. Once I stopped looking solely at his weight or mine, as a joint issue I could see it was our problem, one we had to solve together. I include my 5 year old (normal weight) son in family health and decisions. We're not getting daddy or mommy healthy, we're ALL getting healthy. It doesn't matter how much weight I've lost - I'm not at goal until my husband is too, this is about us.
I don't know if you're just starting out with weight loss, but if prior to this you've been his partner in crime then it will take some time for him to accept that change. In my mind, when I started, I changed literally overnight - it took my husband months to realize I was serious about this, us. It takes some time, really. Let him see you mean business, just keep leading by example. If things don't eventually change then offer the ultimatums.
I'm thinking of going to a therapist for both of us. I think there's some deeper issues here.
I think this is an excellent idea. I think if you're both willing to do this, it would be a really positive way of moving things forward.
When someone reaches the weight that your husband is currently at, there's more to it than just liking your food, or having limited self-restraint. I think this is true for many people that become obese, but particularly pertinent to those who seriously threaten their own lives with their weight. I think there's often something deeper there, and with the support of a third party who isn't emotionally involved in the situation in the way that you are, you may find that you are both able to make significant progress.
Wow, tough situation. My husband wasn't nearly in the same position when I got serious about weight loss, but he made it clear very early on that he wasn't interested in coming along with me on a weight loss journey -- even though he was morbidly obese, too.
So, I soldiered on and after a few months he got interested! We've been doing this together ever since.
From this I learned that you can't nag somebody into wanting to lose weight. You can model, and see if he'll go along, but he might not.
So, what to do? I think putting yourself first isn't a bad idea, but don't be under any illusions that nagging or ultimatums are going to wake him up and get him to want to lose weight. He might just dig his heels in deeper.
I DO think you should talk to him and be honest with him. And keep talking. Tell him about your fears. Therapy's a good idea too. But in the end, it may be more for you than for him. Unless he WANTS to change, he won't.
My DH was over 300 when he finally realized he needed to lose weight. Granted, he's 43, and our daughter is 2, and his gut was getting in the way of her sitting on daddy's lap.
Sometimes, it take something like that, a BIG smack in the face, to make them realize they need to change, as their weight is restricting them from life's pleasures. So, DH gave up his fleeting food pleasures for more of life's lasting pleasures.
Have you tried taking pictures of him, in all his glory, and then showing him the photos? That always shocks my broccoli, when I see myself in a picture. For some reason, the person I see in the mirror is not the same fat girl I see in pictures. Take a GOOD, full size shot, have it blown up, maybe even life sized, make a big cardboard cut-out of him, at his weight, so he can SEE how large he is! (OK, maybe that's too extreme)
Point being, maybe he really doesn't realize just how large he is, and is fooling himself.
We've been through the broken chairs, broken bed, etc as well. Had to throw out one couch, as the cushions were so compacted that it felt like you were sitting on the floor. Didn't phase him. Took the baby not fitting on his lap to turn that light on.
He's been on weight watchers for two weeks now, and lost 8.4 lbs his first week, and 4.8 his second week, and is so proud of himself, and so empowered, he's a new man. The kids say he's happier, he's motivated, and his gut is going down.
There is hope. You just have to try to find that motivation that will click for him.
My husband's weight
Sigh... unfortunately, you can't "make" someone want to lose weight. I do think you should tell him how you feel and what you wrote in this post. That's a beginning. 
