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Old 02-28-2009, 10:59 PM   #1
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I'm back again -- hopefully to stay. I've re-gained a great deal of weight, which upsets me, but at least I'm trying once more.

I feel incredibly frustrated when it comes to my weight and dating. I see other girls -- heavier than I am -- with boyfriends and husbands, and I can't get a date to save my life.

I spent the past two months getting coffee with a guy, meeting up with him at friends' parties, talking to him for hours, and I finally lay it out -- saying that I liked him, and he said he just wanted to be friends and that he's not looking for a relationship right now.

Which is complete BS, since he talked last night about a couple of really attractive girls he knows who he'd ask out if they were single. I figured he was just doing it to make me jealous, but obviously not.

I'm just so frustrated. I know that I shouldn't feel like my weight is the only thing holding me back from having a boyfriend, but I also feel used by the situation -- why was he inviting me to all of these things, having coffee with me, talking to me for hours, if he wasn't interested?

And, unfortunately, the only thing I seem to be able to point to is my appearance. In a weird way, as much as it should inspire me to lose weight, it makes me angry that people can't see past pounds and that men have this incredibly high standard by which they judge women at this age (21) because of the media.

I'm just... exhausted.
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Old 02-28-2009, 11:12 PM   #2
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he's out there... and you'll find him. no matter how much you weigh. but you gotta love you first.
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Old 02-28-2009, 11:35 PM   #3
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Oh honey, {{{big hugs!}}}, indulge me with putting on my maternal hat here, because you are sooooooooo worth it!!!

What you're learning from these sorts of "relationships" is how important you are to yourself, and how strong and emotionally resilient you can be. It's the sort of thing women of any size goes through during their maturation process. There are a wide range of women who never realize how strong they are, because some idiot always wants them because they're "hot". And when that relationship ends, there's just another idiot waiting to take their place. And the women never fully realize their character fully developed.

You have an opportunity to really develop your personal integrity, to make choices because you genuinely want to move in a specific direction in your life because you believe in yourself and in your choices for yourself. This means taking risks, even in relationships that won't work out. You will always have yourself to rely on. When you have developed the right sort of self-confidence that you need, you will be attracting the sort of people in your life that will allow you to be yourself and enjoy you for who you are.

I'm in the process of getting divorced from my husband of 25 years. He's an idiot. I mean really an idiot! I married him when I was 22, when I was an idiot, when I didn't believe in myself at all, when I thought no one would ever want me...and I was at my goal weight! Now I'm twice as big, and thrilled to be free, because I truly believe in myself. I have lots of really good friends, with both men and women. I have a full and rich life. I'm doing things that I want to do. I love my life!

Make your life a complete life for yourself. When you're doing what you really love to do, you won't be exhausted and frustrated. You'll care for yourself better, and you'll be energized and attractive...especially to yourself!

I believe in you!

Georgia

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Old 02-28-2009, 11:48 PM   #4
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Agree with Corazonas. I am pretty much in the same boat as you -- in the past, whenever a guy I liked didn't like me back I always rationalized that it was because of my weight. In the past couple of years I have lost some weight, I'm still not at goal yet, but I notice that I attract more men now and that could be because I'm more confident, friendlier and a little more outgoing than before.

Keep the faith! Mr. Right will be along soon!
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Old 03-01-2009, 12:00 AM   #5
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Confidence definitely attracts attention. Also knowing what you want in a guy. When I generically "wanted to be wanted," it seemed that no one wanted me, but when I knew exactly what I wanted and demanded it, I had a lot more attention (even though I was nearly at my highest weight at the time).

It reminds me of the book, why men love *****es - it seems that guys don't want to be wanted the easy way, they want to have to work to impress women. I know this is a stereotype, but it's crazy to me that I had more dates at 365 lbs than I did at 200, and I think largely because I had decided that I LIKED living alone, and I didn't want just any guy, I wanted a very specific kind of guy, and if I couldn't find him, I'd would prefer to be alone.

I have complete confidence that you will find who you're looking for, when you're more confident in who you are and what you want. There are a lot of reasons that people have difficulty finding the "right one," and most of them have little to do with appearance - even really ugly people do find love.
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Old 03-01-2009, 12:48 AM   #6
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Aw I'm sorry babe. That totally sucks. I haven't really had that kind of situation in a while (almost 2 years! ) since I've just kind of taken myself out of the relationship track. I have a lot of issues relating to relationships and weight and how I felt the number on the scale somehow determined the kind of relationship I was worth. I think when I was at my heaviest I felt as if I didn't deserve any kind of relationship because I was so fat and worthless (which of course I know right now is not true!). I'm a firm believer in the fact in some ways we manifest our own destiny through our thoughts so you may be subconsciously thinking something to attract the kind of guy that is looking for a relationship but not necessarily with you because maybe even though you think you should have a relationship that maybe you really don't want one right now which is okay too. Just because we're young (I'm only 2 years older than you) doesn't mean we have to have a boyfriend and have all the other things going on in our lives that other 20 somethings have. When it's time it'll happen, and I know for me that time isn't really now because I want to be selfish and take the time to grow and learn about myself and to love myself so that I can become the kind of person I want to be BEFORE I get into the relationship that I want. Right now the whole relationship thing isn't on the top of my priority list but if it is for you try to think of what you want from a relationship and use that to develop positive affirmations related to the situation and settle for nothing less than what you want because you deserve it!
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Old 03-01-2009, 10:13 AM   #7
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Thank you to everyone. Last night was a little rough, but I dropped 3.2 pounds from yesterday -- which is enough to put anyone in a good mood. lol.

Also... I think gymlee really hit it on the head. I was going, "Why aren't I good enough?" and I realized that the guy I was friend-seeing... I really wasn't that interested in. I kept saying, "This is the sort of guy I should like." and I think I just really wanted a boyfriend.

Whatever his issue is, I'm not sure -- I still maintain that nobody spends that much time inviting someone places and asking them for coffee at school as just a "friend" thing, especially since we did flirt, but that's his problem. It's also the reason he never has a girlfriend, IMO.

I'm not attacking him, but it does feel better to say, "Maybe this wasn't the person for me" rather than, "Why aren't I the person for him?"
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Old 03-01-2009, 11:10 AM   #8
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vikkima - I've actually been on both sides...

I've had really good relationships with guys where we did everything together but they weren't interested in dating me. They wanted that friendship and someone to be there. The one guy in particular was basically in love with another girl that didn't want him for anything more than a friend. Of course I felt my heart strings pulled and really he would flirt with me and try to encourage me but I'm not sure if he meant to do it, but he was playing with my emotions.

On the other side, I've gone out with a couple guys that I just wasn't interested in a relationship with but I liked hanging out with them. I ended both friendships because they were very interested in me and I just wanted to be friends and they couldn't accept that. There was nothing physical about them that detracted me, I just didn't feel that click with them.
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Old 03-01-2009, 11:47 AM   #9
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Just relax....I have dated many many many people in my life (I am only 29) and have been dumped, I have been treated badly, and I have moved on. I have also done the dumping. You have to just wait it out and not be in a rush. How old are you? I just recently (within the past year) met the guy i have been waiting for my whole life....and ya know what?? all of those bad experiences made it all worth it, because it made me who I am today-and it made me appreciate the fact that I have a guy who loves me.
Just breathe. It will happen to you. And it will happen when you least expect it to. Just relax and enjoy the ride. Everything happens for a reason Good luck!!
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Old 03-01-2009, 12:03 PM   #10
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I'm 21, and the thing is that I've never had a boyfriend. Now consciously I know a big part of it is that I don't flirt, because I feel unworthy (due to my weight), but it becomes a vicious cycle -- I don't flirt, because I don't feel desired, but I don't feel desired because I don't make others feel desired.

I should probably rephrase and be honest -- I've never been liked back -- I have been hit on.

And the thing is... I know everyone says that eventually you'll find "that person" or even "a person", but... at 21, isn't this a little late to have never dated?
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Old 03-01-2009, 12:23 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vikkivma View Post
but... at 21, isn't this a little late to have never dated?
No it is not!! I have a couple friends who have never had relationships and they are super fun and outgoing, and there is nothing wrong with them! I like your idea that you should be thinking 'is this the guy for you', not 'are you good enough for the guy'.
Don't go out with someone you aren't really interested in, you have the right to be choosy, you seem like an awesome girl!
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:56 PM   #12
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I agree with aneleh. Like I said I'm only 2 years older than you and I've only had like a handfull of boyfriends if that and the relationships didn't even last that long! The longest one was on and off for about 9 months and the other were guys I just kinda dated and fooled around with (not my proudest thing) and not that I'm saying I regret what I did with those guys but in some ways it was a was of time and emotion. There is no harm in knowing what you want and holding out for it. Since then I've become very picky about guys I even consider going out on a date with or hanging out because they have to have to be at a certain level and even then I've been burned but you keep on truckin'. That's why I am now just kinda pulling myself out of the game and focusing on myself and maybe it might not be the worst thing for you to do the same. Just my opinion though.
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Old 03-01-2009, 04:37 PM   #13
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There are girls much bigger and I'm sure much less pretty than you that are in relationships that make them happy... I'll bet that the only thing they have that you don't is confidence. According to your height and weight, your BMI is just BARELY overweight, and I know that's not everything, but remember that! I bet you that if I saw your picture, I wouldn't think you were overweight. Just try to put yourself in perspective, and you'll realize that your weight is probably only a problem for you! There are tons of guys out there just waiting for you to step out of your protection zone and into their lives.

Good luck
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Old 03-01-2009, 05:00 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vikkivma View Post
at 21, isn't this a little late to have never dated?
One of my good friends is 27 and she's never had a boyfriend because she's bookish and shy and insecure about her body. It's not 'too late'; there are no hard and fast rules for this sort of thing. It's just a matter of confidence, like you've already been told by the smart women here

You are worth loving, you just have to start believing it.
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Old 03-01-2009, 05:07 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vikkivma View Post
I'm back again -- hopefully to stay. I've re-gained a great deal of weight, which upsets me, but at least I'm trying once more.

I feel incredibly frustrated when it comes to my weight and dating. I see other girls -- heavier than I am -- with boyfriends and husbands, and I can't get a date to save my life.

I spent the past two months getting coffee with a guy, meeting up with him at friends' parties, talking to him for hours, and I finally lay it out -- saying that I liked him, and he said he just wanted to be friends and that he's not looking for a relationship right now.

Which is complete BS, since he talked last night about a couple of really attractive girls he knows who he'd ask out if they were single. I figured he was just doing it to make me jealous, but obviously not.

I'm just so frustrated. I know that I shouldn't feel like my weight is the only thing holding me back from having a boyfriend, but I also feel used by the situation -- why was he inviting me to all of these things, having coffee with me, talking to me for hours, if he wasn't interested?

And, unfortunately, the only thing I seem to be able to point to is my appearance. In a weird way, as much as it should inspire me to lose weight, it makes me angry that people can't see past pounds and that men have this incredibly high standard by which they judge women at this age (21) because of the media.

I'm just... exhausted.
This is the story of my life. I'm not going to tell you that "he's out there somewhere, just hang in there" - because frankly, I'm tired of hearing that. I've been on a few dates and I almost always end up in the "you're a great girl, but I just see us being friends" boat. It drives me INSANE. Then there was the date where the guy walked out on me and left me in the movie alone, but that's a story for another day.

Just know that you're not in the "single and can't get a date" boat alone. And at least you're only 21...that helps!

I do agree with the posters that say focus on yourself and just "keep it moving". What I've done in the meantime, for myself, is to set goals for myself - which don't focus on finding a mate. I called it "five goals in five years". One of my goals is to take a major trip/vacation once a year. Traveling helps fill the void, so to speak.

And congrats on the weight loss, BTW.
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