I guess my biggest issue is that if she was not ready why did she want to join our team, she knew that she had to lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks (not much for her). She is letting our team down. I guess I will have to figure this out with the rest of the team.Thanks
To me this is negative. Saying she is letting down the team. I think it is pretty obvious that she doesn't like this group dynamic. I get that it is a team effort, but she isn't letting anyone down. Also you say she has never joined anything with you/friends before and you are saying "we have tried to get her involved." To me this is pretty obvious what is going on lol.
You have put some pressure on her, but you may have done that indirectly. I really think just being there for her and talking with her will get her to stop pushing you away. Forget the team, forget the contest or whatever this is. Just be her friend. At the end of the day, does the team matter or does she matter?
I agree it's messed up for her to not take it seriously- I mean someone who wants to lose weight doesn't join a team then say "well I can lose that water weight."
I don't know if your team is in competition of some sort with others- but if there is no competition involved besides just you and your team- I'd weight till after the weigh in when she will OBVIOUSLY not have lost weight and tell her that you are really disapointed that she'd let the team down and that you are there for her when she's really ready to lose weight- but for the sake of the team she can't be on it anymore.
No matter what be prepared to lose a friend though Because even though she should be mad at herself- we all know she'll be mad at you.
I think that saying she let you guys down is just being honest- I wouldn't join a weight loss team because I know my weightloss has been very slow!
This is an excellent example of why I believe weight loss competitions can be extremely destructive, and have the potential to do far more harm than good. Weight loss is hard enough when you're doing it only for yourself, and the added pressure of "letting the team down," is seriously messed up stuff, a recipe for disaster even, for many people.
It seems very clear now that the issue isn't about her at all, it's about you. You're upset that she's letting you and the team down. "Why did she sign up?" Obviously, because she thought the added pressure would help - and she found out it didn't, it only made the situation worse for her.
I can relate, because I found out the same thing. I can't lose weight for other people. In a team situation, it stresses me out, and as a stress eater - not a good fit. I didn't know it until AFTER I joined one, so I had no idea that I was going to be dead weight to my team. Every time I thought about how I was letting my team down, I felt more guilt, shame and stress. It made me panic - I would stress eat, feel worse, decide I had to starve the weight off to "catch up" and the crash dieting only made it harder for me not to binge and repeat the cycle. I'm not exagerating when I say it was a seriously traumatic experience for me, because I am a people pleaser. It hurt me to the bone that I was betraying the team - because that's how I saw it, but the worse I felt about it, the less successful I was in my diet and exercise.
Telling her she's letting the team down may be honest, but it's just one more thing, I'm confident she already knows, and rubbing it in her face is just plain cruel.
No matter how tactful you are, pushing her in any way is going to backfire. Confrontive interventions (as has already been said), only work under very specific circumstances, with trained staff running the show (and almost always only when getting a person immediately into inpatient treatment). And because she is "like a sister," there's no way that any criticism isn't going to sound like a verbal beating to her (because she's already doing it to herself).
If you don't believe any of this, and think she's just being a selfish pig - then end the friendship. It would be the best for both of you.
I was in a weight loss competition last summer and fall with my best friend, her sister and her mother. They discovered what kaplods did - that competition didn't do a thing for them. Because I was in the midst of my fast paced weight loss and didn't really care about the contest other than the cash I just applied my competitive ways to being the best in the whole entire competition. I was.
My team had terrible remorse about the competition, especially during the second round. Each time we had won as a team, but I was the only one losing weight. They didn't want to take the big prize money, but I insisted.
I had to tread lightly. On one hand I wanted to gloat and brag about my stellar losses, but on the other they didn't need that. Throughout the two competitions I lost 60 pounds. Great. They lost 12 total. It really could have been a terrible experience for us, but I worked hard to make sure it wasn't.
Despite that, both my best friend AND her sister were so turned off by the experience (negative weigh ins, other teams, the people leading the contest) that they both quit dieting immediately after the contest ended and gained more weight.
If only I would have known that it wouldn't be as great for everyone else. I wouldn't have played, forget the money or silly certificates, my friend is worth more than that. I will say though, that it wasn't my idea to do it. I was asked as a sort of 'ace in the hole' and accepted looking at bit as free money.
In my opinion, you don't. I'm sure she is well aware of the fact that she is overweight. My family tried to tell me for years and years, I needed to lose weight. Obviously I knew that, but I wasn't ready yet. You will never lose weight until YOUR ready. Your friend probably isn't ready yet, and telling her she needs to lose some weight could offend her.
BTW, everyone always says that if they were given constructive criticism, they might be hurt, but would accept it graciously - but that's not what usually happens. They walk away thinking the person has intentionally been unsupportive and unaccepting.
If you think back, you will find examples in your own life of people "butting into your business," and you will say "but that's not constructive criticism," but from their perspective it probably was.
You don't have to be intentionally cruel, for it to feel that way. And when it comes to weight loss advice from others, it almost never feels constructive. In fact, the "nicer" the person is, the more it feels patronizing, two-faced, or worse.
I know you don't like the advice you've been given here (because you keep explaining rather than accepting), but it's been very good advice. Whether you take it or not, is completely up to you.
Coming to the weigh in with a box of fries and chicken fingers is pretty much a way of giving the gruop the finger. It is obvious she doesn't want to participate. I would drop her from the group, check with the other members first.
Telling someone something for their own good seldom works , It just causes resentments.
I would forget trying to help her weight wise but try to remain friends in other areas, but weight loss should not be discussed, let her make up her own mind, I am sure she is feeling pressured and is having her own tantrum about it. Don't forget the fries and chicken fingers. No one who is serious about losing weight would bring that to a weigh in.
I would agree that bringing crap to the weigh-in was quite passive-aggressive. Many otherwise wonderful people are passive aggressive. I have to fight the urge myself, because it runs rampant in my family - as does just plain agressive. Because I had so few role models that were talented in diplomacy, learning to be assertive without being nasty or passive aggressive has been a challenge. I think I'm pretty good at it, but it's a lot of work, and I understand when I fail or see others failing at it.
People who are passive-aggressive can't bring themselves to say "back off," so they do something in action (or lack of action) that they hope gets the message across.
I think in this case, the message is very obvious. The group dynamic is not working for her. She may be very sad, angry, hurt or depressed at what she perceives as too much pressure from you and the group. She may be so angry with herself that she's projecting failure in a big way so the group knows not to expect too much from her. The whys though, probably don't matter. If the competition is such that her lack of participation doesn't penalize the group, I'd let her be. If she really is pulling everyone down (and the competition is more important than her friendship) then confront her with a "put out or drop out," talk. Other options are to ask her if she would like to withdraw from the group, or to suggest that she drop out, or as a group "vote her off the island" and tell her the group has decided she should drop out.
No course of action will guarantee to preserve the friendship, or any success in inspiring her to action, either in the contest or later.
I don't know why she felt she needed to make such a BIG statement to the group as bringing fast food to the weigh-in, but if I were you, I would wonder if I had been placing too much pressure on her directly or indirectly, and I would ask her that. That may be the best way to start the dialogue with her, if the friendship is important to you. "Have I been putting too much pressure on you to lose weight for this competition," and then listen closely to what she has to say.
My best friend is overweight. She is about 250lbs and 5'8. To support her I say "great job!" when she goes for a walk (she is very sedentary), and when we hang out, we either cook at home (using my clean eating recipes), or, go for something like Chinese where we can share dishes, and I usually do the ordering (and tweaking what I want it to be). I also say "let's go for a walk" instead of "let's compete about our fitness and weight!". In the beginning, she used to insult herself over her weight - but she has slowly stopped - she knows that she doesn't have to feel bad around me. I am her FRIEND.
I see this whole group as incredibly UNsupportive. I see it as a need to get AHEAD of each other rather than support each other! I wouldn't want to hang out with this group!!
I think we've all known someone who quit smoking and immediately became a total *** about everyone else's cigarettes. That's kind of what ISTM is going on here.
Her body. Her life. Her choice.
OP-- You were over 100 pounds overweight. Surely someone said something to you about it at some point. And it took until now for you to deal with it, you know?
That may be the best way to start the dialogue with her, if the friendship is important to you. "Have I been putting too much pressure on you to lose weight for this competition," and then listen closely to what she has to say.
I think this is the best piece of advice you have been given. Instead of projecting your anger (and you admit you've been angry, and I can assure you, she knows it) onto her for not living up to YOUR expectations of her, tell her you are sorry if you've been expecting things of her she is not able or willing to do right now.
I am in harmony with the other posters suggesting this isn't something you can do for her. It a very personal journey.
My adoptive mother (and I love her more than my own life) is super-morbidly obese. I will not nag her or tell her anything about weight. She knows the issues and the subjects regarding weight loss better than I do. She lives in a prison of a body and she is aware of that far more than I can identify with. All I have said to her is:
"Look, I need you. My kids need you. We would be devastated if anything ever happened to you to make you leave us."
Has it worked? Probably not. At least nothing that has worked long-term. Any time SHE has brought up the topic I tell her, "I will help you and support you in any way you need." I don't take it beyond that. PERIOD.
Just a little info about the competition- It is scaleback Alabama. You have 10 weeks for each team member to lose 10 lbs. If each member loses at least 10lbs you are entered into a drawing for $1000 (for each team member). It is not so much about the money but that she asked us to be in our team. We sat down and she was excited about it. I am just wondering what happened.
I am going to talk to her more about that, just supportive on if something happened that she is trying to cover up. She asked me to keep her on track and I feel like I am letting her down, I am not sure what she wants me to do but I am going to let her know I am here for her but I can not do it for her.
Thanks ladies for all the time you have taken to help me on this.
Coming to the weigh in with a box of fries and chicken fingers is pretty much a way of giving the gruop the finger.
Wellllll.....I don't know about that. It's possible that, as a heavy person who has never been successful at losing weight, she sees chicken fingers and fries as "lean poultry and a vegetable." Part of the reason that many of us are heavy is because at one time we didn't truly understand the difference in calorie counts of what we were eating! It's also possible that she's just in that denial stage or was thinking, "I've been good all day but now I'm in a hurry, so I'll just stop and grab this meal on the go. It won't hurt just this once." (Who among us hasn't thought that?)
So it could be a passive-agressive way of giving the group the finger, but it could also just be another mistaken food deision in a lifetime of bad food decisions. Having said that.....there is no way that I would tell a friend or loved one that they need to lose weight. If it was a child of mine, I might mention that I am going to make changes in what I cook "so we can all get a little healthier", but that's really about as far as I would go. Making a personal comment about someone's body when they are already feeling terrible is just such dangerous, potentially hurtful ground.
We sat down and she was excited about it. I am just wondering what happened.
We have all gone through attempts to start a diet and then failed right away because although we wanted to lose weight, we really weren't mentally prepared for the challenge. It sounds like she took one baby step and faltered (and the money may have been part of her motivation too)...but then came the realization that she would have to change the way she eats (the foods and quantity) and she isn't ready yet. Now is the time to support her, even if it means letting her back out of the challenge. Pushing her to do something she isn't ready for may be putting up a mental block that will keep her from trying again later on.
You said she doesn't want to eat at your house because you eat healthy now...then she brings chicken fingers and fries to a meeting. I wonder if she really just doesn't like healthy food right now, and is so filled with cravings for fat greasy food and carbs to satisfy her addictions, this is just too severe a switch for her and it frightened her off. In her case, a challenge like this was more than she was ready for. She needs to take tiny baby steps to make easy changes one at a time that she really can stick with.
Last edited by recidivist; 02-21-2009 at 05:41 PM.
I think it is pretty obvious that she doesn't like this group dynamic. I get that it is a team effort, but she isn't letting anyone down. Also you say she has never joined anything with you/friends before and you are saying "we have tried to get her involved." To me this is pretty obvious what is going on lol.
Because even though she should be mad at herself- we all know she'll be mad at you.
