I've realized that I can't weigh myself. I can't have that number hanging over my head. Right now I can't count things, either--points, vegetable servings, fat grams, calories, whatever. Every time I have a way of judging myself, a way of falling short, if you will, of doing things "right", the pressure kills me and I roll up in a ball and give up.
Problem is, I still want to be thinner than I am. But why? I have such implacable armour from so many years of being overweight that the nasty looks I get don't phase me. The comments run right off me. The fact that I can't (won't) shop for clothes beyond Torrid and Lane Bryant doesn't matter to me. All the hurtful things I read about other people experiencing...I just don't care. (For myself!! I'm always sorry when hurtful things happen to others and I would never judge anyone for being hurt by something that happens to them, but for me nothing gets through my armour. I'm generally numb all the time, frankly, and even that doesn't bother me.)
But there are physical things I want to do. I'm a very physical person, and I'm very active already. I'm a physical therapy assistant, and I work on my feet all day. I've been a member of various gyms for the last 18 years. It occurred to me recently that there are physical things I've wanted to do that I've just turned a blind eye to, just accepted that "my body doesn't do that" and given up without even trying. And that irritates me!
So what I'm doing is compiling a list of physical things I want to do. Physical goals, if you will. I can't have numbers and figures hanging over my head, but darn it, I can work toward these physical goals, and I can tweak my eating toward helping my body to achieve them.
* I want to run. Not any particular distance, not any particular speed...I just want to run. Although I'm 5'9 I have a very long torso and "average" length legs, and running has never been something my body is particularly built for. But darn it, I want to run anyway.
* I want to ride my bike for miles and miles (again, no numbers) and not drag through it. I want to be free on my bike, to feel my power and my strength and not be aware of my limitations.
* I want to compete in a triathlon.
* I want to do proper (for me) pushups. My elbow is dramatically injured and in some ways it will need to be modified, but my kind of proper pushups...I want to have the upper body strength to do that.
* And pullups! I can't pull all the way up (my elbow doesn't bend past 90 degrees) but I want to do what I can.
* I want to squat my body weight, and it would be REALLY helpful to bring that down!!
* I take dancing lessons, but I can feel how my weight is slowing me down. I want to not feel my weight slow me down. I want to be able to spin and spin and spin through a Viennese waltz (they're 7-10 minutes long), and then pick up immediately with the next.
Do you have physical goals?