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Old 12-09-2008, 12:08 PM   #1
Little One
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Unhappy Death/food/guilt. How to deal???

I don’t know if this is the right place to put this or not, but I really need some support.

I found out late Sat night that my favorite uncle had died. It was sudden (a blood clot to the brain) and I am not dealing with it well at all. I’m far away from my family, and really have only one person close to me here that I can share this with. I am not going to be able to go home for the funeral (which hurts so much) because I am going home on the 23rd for Christmas. So while my family is able to comfort each other in this terrible time, I have found myself turning back to the comfort of food. I’ve binged a few times since I got the news. And I can’t seem to stop.

I had been doing so much better lately, eating better, working out, no binges, handling the way I think and feel about food, but this, coupled with the stress of working two jobs, and struggling to make ends meet, has led me right back into old habits. And suddenly I find myself focusing on me, rather than my uncle and what happened… and I feel such guilt about this… How could I be thinking about me at a times like this… and then that guilt of course leads right back to food and its temporary comfort… which leads to you know where. Guilt…

I can’t seem to figure out how to stop. I have spent the last few days crying, and not sleeping well… I’m falling apart again… How do I get through my grief, be strong about this, and not continue this unhealthy cycle?

I feel so alone and so uncertain about everthing.

I value all your thoughts and opinions and welcome anything you have to say.

Thank you.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” —Dr. Seuss

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, though it may be necessary, from time to time, to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." - Miss Piggy

Last edited by SweetCurves32; 12-09-2008 at 12:09 PM.
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Old 12-09-2008, 12:11 PM   #2
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is tough not being able to go and be there with your family I am sure. I've had that to happen to me as well being unable to attend funerals. Now let me ask you this, I'm sure your uncle loved you very much and you him. Think to yourself would he want you to be treating your body this way in the process of grieving for him? It is okay to cry and to think about the good times and memories you have of him. But you will not do your family or yourself any good if you make yourself sick.

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Old 12-09-2008, 01:08 PM   #3
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An uncle of mine that I didn't know very well died of an aneurysm. I went to his funeral with my family here and my family in another state I didn't know very well. I didn't even cry, and I think that's what hurt me the most. I couldn't compare, I didn't know him well enough. I didn't even cry for my uncle. Just because you aren't there with your family right now, doesn't mean you can't still cry for him. Your uncle is probably there with you even though you feel so far away. Call and talk with your family, don't lock yourself away because you're in a bad situation. Being as close to them as possible does help.

P.S. When I was really depressed I would do sit-ups and then drink a big glass of water. I was feeling the hurt from working out and not feeling like eating at the same time. Instead of cutting or something ugly like that, I did sit-ups. I knew the hurt was for a good cause too, so that I could be healthy.
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Old 12-09-2008, 01:56 PM   #4
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I recently had a close family member pass away and I understand how painful it can be.

It must feel horrible that you can't attend the funeral - there is something about human nature that makes us need to share our grief, or happiness (weddings, showers, birthdays, etc) and so you can feel very alone at times like these. I am so sorry for your loss.

You mentioned that you were focusing on you and felt guilty for it - first of all, you need to focus on yourself because you need to heal the pain of his passing and you know that is what he would have wanted. But, there are ways that you can honour him at the same time - did he have any favourite hobbies? Did he like going for walks, or a certain kind of sport? Did he write? You can take some time out for yourself and take part in some of his favourite things to honour his memory that way, and hopefully it will be cathartic.

I hope this isn't too 'hokey' but this is a passage from 'The Prophet' by Khalil Gibran that helped me to get through my hard times.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. "

I hope that you can find some of the support that you need here, because we will always be here for you!
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Old 12-09-2008, 03:57 PM   #5
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You can still grieve with your family even though you aren't able to travel and be with them in person. Call them. Talk to them when you need.

It's hard to avoid the feelings of guilt, but you're not being selfish by thinking of yourself. You are mourning your uncle. That doesn't mean that you can't take care of yourself.

This may not heal the grief or the emptiness immediately... but it might help to get your mind off it. Get back to normal. It sounds... cold, but sometimes what we need is to be reminded that our lives go on. We continue to get up, go to work, cook dinner, be with friends. My close friend's father died not long ago, and her mother said that after a week she just needed to get back to work as usual. She was still mourning, but sitting around the house wasn't helping any, and may have been making it worse.

Talk to people when you can. Cry when you need. Throw yourself into a project to get your mind off of things.

Just continue on.
~Made of star stuff~
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Old 12-09-2008, 05:14 PM   #6
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Thank you all for your kind, and wise words. They are very much appreciated.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” —Dr. Seuss

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, though it may be necessary, from time to time, to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." - Miss Piggy
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:03 PM   #7
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When my father died, I turned to food for comfort. I was so numb from what was going on, the only thing I could ever feel was hunger/fullness. I gained a lot of weight.

Wallowing in the sense or sorrow and loss by shutting down and eating all day is comforting. It's easy, it feels RIGHT to do nothing all day but give into feeling bad.

But sometimes, you have to choose to feel better. It's not easy at all, and it won't make EVERYTHING okay. But going for a short walk and eating healthy foods will making you feel better long term than letting the sadness overtake you.

I spent a year waiting around to feel better. It never happened. I only started to feel better and accept my dad's death when I decided I had to. I started exercising and forcing myself to take care of myself, physically and emotionally. Just the simple act of deciding I was in control made a huge difference on my emotional wellbeing.

Let yourself feel and think whatever comes to you, without feeling guilty or trying to eat it away. It really helps to start a diary and write it down. But when you find yourself starting to get hysterical or getting swept away by the emotions, make the conscious effort to take control back.

This is an incredibly hard thing to go through, but just the fact that your realizing that something is going wrong and you want to change it proves just how strong and insightful you are. You WILL get through this.
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