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Ever wonder about your relationship?

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Old 12-07-2008, 09:00 PM   #1
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Default Ever wonder about your relationship?

So I've been with my boyfriend for a long time now, and we're actually engaged now. He's seen me at every weight from 190 to 288 and now back down to 235 (and shrinking!). But this topic crossed my mind and the idea of relationships and weight loss is really interesting to me.

So I'm wondering, do you ever wonder about your relationship? If you're heavy and in a new relationship with someone, do you wonder if they have a thing for heavy girls and their feelings might change? If you started your relationship while you were thinner and gained weight, how has that affected the two of you?

Feel free to open up and vent! This is the place for it.
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:09 PM   #2
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People might get together for looks but they don't stay together based on looks... Thats what I think anyways... I would assume that if somebody has been in a long relationship with somebody they would be attracted to their personality rather than physical looks... I have no idea though. lol
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:19 PM   #3
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When my boyfriend and I first got together, almost three and a half years ago, I was around 150 and, because of some problems I was having in my life, quickly shot up to 190 in the first couple of months. As far as I could tell, this has no effect on our relationship. However, as I climbed up from 190 to 244, our sex life severely suffered (I think he was less attracted to me, I didn't have as much energy, there was a lot going on there) and that caused all of the problems you can imagine in a relationship. Our intimacy definitely took a hit.

As I'm losing the weight again, our intimacy is improving (sex life too!) and I often find myself wondering whether when I'm no longer overweight, things will be as incredible as they were in the beginning of the relationship, or whether things are as good as they'll ever be now and I'm just using my weight as an excuse to chase a silly old dream.

So yeah, definitely lots of weight-related relationship questions, for which I couldn't know any answers. But I'm looking forward to learning them as I go along.
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:19 PM   #4
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t answeryour question- almost everyday. I know of situations where guys are attracted to weight and when its gone, so are they. I know that I have a HORRIBLE time belieivng that someone can love me, want to touch me, when i dont want to love or touch myself. I wonder sometimes if they're just setting me up, if they will find someone else, blah, blahblah.... But i know that i've been through some crazy and cruel things with my weight an relationships with others. So sometimes when crazy thoughts cross my mind, i need to let the thoughts keep crossing, instead of feeding into their craziness. Congrats on your engagement!
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:38 PM   #5
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I think it completely depends on the guy.

My husband and I started dated in college when I weighed 150. Then, in law school, my weight increased to 185 or so. He didn't seem to care -- he just loved me and when we got married during my second year, I got back down to 165 or so. Then, when I was in my last year of law school, I went down to 125, and actually that is the only time in our 14 year marriage that he has had much to say about my weight -- he told me that I was too thin and that I looked sick. He was right, I was a Size 0 and I did look sick -- pictures of me then are a little on the scary side. So I increased my weight to 135 which was a nice Size 4/6 or so, and he seemed to like that a lot...but while he is not a particularly jealous guy, he did mention occasionally the amount of attention I got from the opposite sex...not his favorite. He was proud of me and that I looked good, but the attention thing was odd...not really a sore point because I am careful about flirting anyway...not particularly classy when you're married...especially when you're with your spouse.

Anyway, since I've had three kids, my weight has flucuated over the last eight years between 185 and 150...up and down. He just keeps adoring me...which is nice.

Now that I am down to 133.5, he mentioned just this morning that I was thin enough...he is right, and it was not a "stop now" kind of thing, just a concerned comment that my weight has continued to drop under my goal (We have been doing this weight loss thing together and so we usually do our morning weigh-in at the same time so he knows my goal and what I weigh now.). I am hovering between Size 2 and 4. In fact, I do not want to get any thinner, but I am working on this maintenance calories thing and it is not as easy at it seems.

However, we are having a little more of a problem about the male attention this time around. I seem to be garnering more of it in my thirties and thin than I did in my twenties -- looks from strangers/social acquaintances that is. I think it might be my cheekbones, perhaps? My face is leaner and less "cute" now than it was when I was thin in my twenties. Or maybe it is because the men who are interested are bolder/more confident because they are also in their thirties and forties? I don't know for sure, but my husband has made some noise about this lately...not actually aimed at me, but anger that men are so bold in his presence about approaching me or commenting on how I look.

I need to carefully phrase this since this is a "public forum" but at a function recently someone we know came up behind me and leaned his WHOLE body against mine from behind and whispered in my ear that I was gorgeous...with my husband standing RIGHT next to me. I thought for a minute that we were going to have some trouble...my husband was pissed. Luckily, he handled it maturely and let me settle it with a nice, biting comment that put the person in his place and made it clear his actions were NOT OK, but it was extremely awkward and not something I had thought about before I lost the weight.

So, we are continuing to find our balance with this...but my guy is pretty attractive so I am used to it the other way around. Women are CONSTANTLY touching him, putting their hands on his chest and giggling around him. We are best friends as well as husband and wife, and we are really good at communicating about this so it seems like it is working out OK.

Just make sure you TALK about it. Find out how he feels and how he is feeling as you get slimmer.
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Last edited by Schumeany : 12-07-2008 at 10:07 PM.
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:39 PM   #6
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My fiance and I started dating when I was at 245-250lbs. His one ex weighed like 110lbs. She was very very thin. He has also dated "normal" / chubby girls, too. I'm sure he doesn't have a weight preference. He always tells me he thinks I'm beautiful either way, but he supports me 100%. I'm not doing this for him, but for myself, so it's nice to know that he is standing behind me the whole way.
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:39 PM   #7
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thank you verstehen.
I know a lot of people who start relationships based on looks end up staying in the relationship because they fall in love, and because of the person, not the looks. What I'm really talking about here is new relationships, and how people interact during those strange tentative first year or months.
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Old 12-07-2008, 09:43 PM   #8
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Schumeany, I am a bit worried about the same situation. At my weight, I do get guy attention as is. Especially where my work is located, I have had 2 stalkers and a few guys ask me for my number. My man is not typically jealous, but I am worried about what will happen if things increase as I lose more. I have a lot of guy friends that I've known for years who have innocently flirted on occasion. I just don't want things to go sour with my FH and have him think that I will leave him, etc.
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Old 12-07-2008, 11:34 PM   #9
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Before I weigh in, let me preface by saying I'm in a slightly unconventional relationship situation. Not that I expect a lot of censure from you guys here, everyone's always been quite supportive here, but to preempt any that might be lurking, I tell you now that we are all quite happy with things and no, nobody considers any of it "cheating".

This affects my answer because I'm both in a stable long-term relationship, and in a newer and likely to be semi-temporary relationship, so I'm dealing with the reaction of a guy who's known me for almost half my life and seen me go from 145 to 198 and back down to where I am, and whose love and (don't ask me how) attraction to me have never wavered, at the same time that I'm dealing with my insecurities in a six-months long relationship with a woman who is practically the picture of today's ideal physique. She's short, but very nicely put-together and athletic-looking, and has never been overweight in her life.

The thing that doesn't vary between them is that I'm always wondering how either of them could possibly find me sexually attractive.

Boyfriend, I know, will be there for me no matter my weight. He's seen me at my heaviest, and at my skinniest, and loved me equally at both, so I have the comfort of believing that, even though I don't see how it's possible, he really *does* find me beautiful and want to be with me no matter my weight. He's told me he doesn't know why I'm so worried about it, but he supports me 95% (I say 95 and not 100 because he has a tendency to overnag sometimes, but it's not because he wants me to lose the weight so much as he wants to help me do what I'm trying to do).

But with Girlfriend, we've only been together for about six months. And with her looking like a miniature version of a cover model, it's hard to believe that she could find me attractive at all. She has a real tendency to overfeed me when we hang out, because she likes cooking, and I don't have the heart to tell her how much I have to plan around her food to make my diet work.

But I'll admit, I'm looking forward to shocking the **** out of them both when I go home to finish school this spring and come back to visit all sexy and thin.
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Old 12-07-2008, 11:42 PM   #10
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My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 years and through that I have gone up a little, lost it, and then gone up a little again. My size hasn't really changed by my body composition did.

When we met I was a size 8-10 (4-6 US) and 130 pounds but still flabby...this time last year I was still the same size but 140 pounds and a lot more muscular. At THIS moment I am 146 pounds and while still muscular have some dratted wobbly bits going on there...thats what I get for moving in with him >.< lol.

He's been attracted to me through it all. Its more my sense of body loathing from time to time that gets to me than ever thinking he finds me ugly.

HOWEVER my boyfriend is 6'6 (I'm 5'6 lol) and when I met him weighed 190 pounds of lean, hard ripped muscle. It was very nice lol but not as nice as he himself is.

Anyway, he gained a little weight and then had a bike accident (was struck by a car riding to work) and hurt his neck. He couldn't ride, swim, run or do anything for about 10 months in which time he gained quite a bit. He was up around 245 pounds and wouldn't let me touch him because he felt so ugly and awful (and a serious bout of depression didn't help)

I was like...don't be silly! You're gorgeous! Because he IS. Even with weight on he's a physically gorgeous guy but that aside I loved him for HIM.

I can understand how men get frustrated with us when we don't believe their comments that we look good to them no matter the few extra kilos.

He's recently started to run and ride again and has already lost about 10 pounds (I so wish I could lose so quickly) and is gaining his self confidence back.

Fundementally if its a strong healthy relationship I find I love the person for the person, not the body. I do need some physical attraction there but by the time I am that deeply involved with someone they ARE still physically attractive to me because they're attractive emotionally and mentally
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:33 AM   #11
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I have asked my boyfriend that question a lot. He does his best to say he will love me no matter what, but I think I can read between the lines that he would be more attracted to me at a smaller weight.

I've gained 25 lbs since dating him and I've lost about 10 so far... I'd like to keep losing another 45-ish lbs beyond that. Like rubbytummy said, things were HOT before and definitely fizzled since. We work the same hours and live in a one-room studio so the mystery from our relationship is definitely gone. But I can't help but think that if I were smaller that he would be more excited by me. Losing weight will also give me more energy, not just for "home fun" but also to go out and do more fun things on dates. Right now I just feel trapped, both in my fat body and my living situation (tiny apartment in a foreign country with almost no friends), but I've got a path to follow to improve both... I hope by the end of this year in Korea we can move on to a better living situation in a better body.
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:44 AM   #12
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I was about 158 when I met my boyfriend (almost 2 years ago). As soon as we got into a relationship we got comfortable, and both of our weights went up. I think I may have gone all the way to 185. Now that I am trying (I need to try harder) my weight has been stuck between 175-173 the past month. I would say that my boyfriend weighs about 215 now, and he's only 5'9 so it shows. He was probably 195 before. We both love each other the same, and still find each other attractive, however when we go hiking, and get tired quickly we both acknowledge that we are too fat, and need to lose some weight so the hikes aren't so brutal.
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:54 AM   #13
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I often have questions and doubts in my head myself.
I have been with my boyfriend over 5 years and he has seen me at 150, 120(hard to believe) and now shoot up to a little over 200.
He always tells me I look great and that he loves me, but I feel like our relationship has changed.
While my bf is very nice, loving and caring, and we are the best of friends, we never seem to be very physical anymore.
It seems to have been on the decline as my weight seems to increase.
I also have grown very frustrated and self conscious about my looks and really do not like to go out as much or be around people.
It's hard as well where we have been together for awhile so who knows. Maybe as I lose weight, that aspect of our relationship will change, or maybe we have more of an emotional bond now.
I am really looking forward to changing my life, not for him or us, but for me.
I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.
Wow, what a rant!
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Old 12-08-2008, 02:15 AM   #14
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my husband and i met online on a mmorpg. he lived in england and i lived in oregon. we chatted every day on the game for 2 years and because in the beginning i had NO idea we would ever meet, i told him EVERYTHING lol...we became best friends, then both of us felt there was more to our relationship even tho we hadnt met. he flew to oregon to meet me, we got married 6 days later, and have been married over 4 years now. he is 6'5, 210 lbs, and has Never said anything derogatory about my weight. he still touches me all the time, and we are still in our honeymoon period. if he isnt holding my hand, his hand is resting on my thigh while we watch tv. he strokes my back and tells me he loves me about 5 times a day.. even tho we have been married over 4 years, we still have sex about 5 times a week, and 3-4 times are initiated by him, so i can say i feel very confident with him...
however, i want to lose weight for my health firstly, and for him second. i love the fact that he is sexy, attractive, etc, and i want him to have a more attractive wife.
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Old 12-08-2008, 07:28 AM   #15
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This is kind of a sad topic for me.. Like a lot of you, my boyfriend loves and supports me no matter what but I feel like he's not as attracted to me at such a high weight for my height and build. He's sooo small and I feel odd next to him in public, when I think about what we must look like, and I can't help but feel that he may be a bit embarrassed to call me his girlfriend, sometimes.. mostly just a paranoia, but it bothers me. And I never have the energy to do things with him now that I'm so out of shape. I've gained 60 pounds since we got together, and that's in less than a year.

On the other hand, when we first got together and I was smaller and slightly more attractive, he was very insecure about our relationship and about me meeting a better guy and leaving him or something... I feel like he's more secure in the relationship now, but I wonder if that's partly because I'm larger and less attractive than I was? Or just because he trusts me now that it's been almost a year and we've been living together for most of it... I'm afraid that when I am thinner again, especially when I get the urge to start dressing up a bit, he will regain that insecurity and our relationship might suffer. I'll just stay mindful of that when the time comes.
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